Being cheated by someone you love very dearly can be devastating. People who get cheated on suffer enormously. Can you imagine how it must feel when a person gets cheated and lied to by their partner, with whom they had dreamt to spend their entire lifetime. They feel enraged, disappointed and broken. The first thing that comes to their mind when they get cheated is, “Why did this happen, what made their partners cheat?”
Though both men and women cheat, statistics reveal that more men than women have confessed to having affairs after marriage. Women are extremely sensitive beings and it’s emotionally traumatic when men cheat on them. They find themselves tormented by the question, “Why does this happen, why do married men cheat?”
To their relief 30 relationship experts answer this question below:
1) Men cheat due to lack of maturity Tweet this
Males in general will have a myriad of reasons why they engage in extramarital affairs. From my clinical experience I have noticed a common theme of emotional immaturity with those that act on the emotional and physical aspects of cheating. Lacking the maturity to invest the time, commitment, and energy to work through core issues within their marital relationship is often not a priority. Instead these men often choose to engage in activities that are harmful to both their significant others, families, and themselves. The scorching repercussions that often come with the aftermath of cheating is not considered until after the fact. It would be helpful for men that are contemplating cheating to think long and hard if the affair is worth hurting or possibly losing the ones that they proclaim to love most. Is your relationship really worth gambling with?
2) Men cheat when they are made to feel inadequate Tweet this
Men (and women) indulge in cheating when they feel inadequate. When spouses are repeatedly made to feel like they are less than, they seek to find someone that makes them feel like a priority. In essence, they try to fill the void that their partner use to occupy.
3) Men feel ashamed about their desire for pleasure Tweet this
Shame. I know that sounds ironic and like a cart-horse dilemma, since many people become ashamed after getting caught cheating. But cheating behaviors are very often triggered by shame. I hate to be reductive and categorical, but what many men who have cheated have in common–both gay and straight–is some degree of shame about their desires for pleasure. Many of them love and are deeply devoted to their partners, but over time they develop an intense fear of their desires being rejected. The closer any of us gets to someone we love, the more familiar and familial the bond becomes, and therefore the more difficult it is to seek pleasure as individuals–especially when it comes to sex and romance–without potentially hurting the other person in some way, and feeling shame as a result.
Rather than risk the shame of exposing their desires and getting rejected, many men decide to have it both ways: a safe, secure and loving relationship at home; and an exciting, liberating, sexual relationship elsewhere. As a therapist I help people navigate the challenging task of negotiating sexual needs with their partners, rather than resort to cheating or unnecessary breakups. In many many cases couples decide to stay together as a result. In some cases, a frank and transparent dialogue about conflicting desires may lead to necessary separation. But openly negotiating sexual needs is better for everyone involved than deceiving your partner and breaking the mutually recognized rules of the relationship.
4) Men sometimes have intimacy disorder Tweet this
Men cheat because they have an intimacy disorder, whether they cheat online or in person. They likely don’t know how to ask for intimacy (not JUST sex), or if they do ask, they don’t know how to do it in such a way that connects with the woman. So, the man then looks for a cheap substitute to soothe his needs and desires for intimacy.
5) Men cheat because they choose to Tweet this
Nothing “makes” men cheat on their partners, men cheat because they choose to. Cheating is a choice, he will either choose to do it, or choose not to. Cheating is the manifestation of unresolved issues not dealt with, a void that is unfulfilled, and the inability to fully commit to the relationship and his partner.
6) Men cheat due to selfishness Tweet this
On the surface there are many reasons men cheat. Such as: “Grass is greener,” feeling desired, thrill of the conquest, feeling trapped, unhappiness, etc. Underneath all those reasons and others it is pretty simple, SELFISHNESS. A selfishness that trumps commitment, integrity of character and honoring another above self.
7) Men cheat due to lack of appreciation Tweet this
While there are numerous stated reasons, one theme that runs through them for men is lack of appreciation and attention. Many men feel they work hard for their families, they internalize their emotions, can feel they have been doing much and not receiving enough in return. The affair offers the opportunity to receive admiration, approval, new attention, seeing themselves anew in someone else’s eyes.
8) Men seek love and attention Tweet this
There are a few reasons why men cheat but the one that sticks out for me is, men like attentiveness. Often times, especially in our fast pace rush, rush rush, society, couples get so busy that they forget to care for each other. Conversations become centered on logistics, “who’s picking up the kids today,” “Don’t forget to sign the papers for the bank,” etc. Men, like the rest of us, seek love and attention. If they feel ignored, bullied, or nagged at constantly they will seek someone out who listens, stops and compliments them and makes them feel good, as opposed to what they fell like with their own partner, a failure.
9) Men need their ego stroked Tweet this
The one most common reason is personal insecurity that creates in them a huge need to have their ego stroked. Any new “conquest” gives them the illusion they most be wonderful. But because it’s based in external validation, the moment the new conquest complaints about anything, the doubts are back with a vengeance and he needs to look for a new conquest. In the exterior he looks secure and even arrogant. But it’s insecurity what drives him.
10) Men become disillusioned with their marriage Tweet this
Often men cheat on their wives because they have become disillusioned with their marriage. They thought that once they were married, life would be great. They would be together with their spouse and be able to talk all they wanted and have sex when they wanted and live in an unencumbered world together. However, they begin to do life together with work, financial responsibilities and having children. All of a sudden the pleasure is gone. It appears that everything is about work and taking care of other people and their needs. What about “my needs!” Men become jealous of those little ones in the house who are consuming all of their spouse’s time and energy. She doesn’t seem to want or desire him anymore. All she does is take care of the kids, running everywhere with them and not paying attention to him. He begins to look elsewhere for that person who will give him what he needs both in attentiveness and sexually. He is under the assumption that another person can and will meet his needs and make him happy. He believes that it is not up to him but up to someone else to make him feel loved and wanted. After all, “he deserves to be happy!”
11) Men cheat if they have sexual addiction Tweet this
There are numerous reasons why men commit infidelity. One trend we have witnessed over the past 20 years has been an increase in the number of men who has been diagnosed with a sexual addiction. These individuals abuse sex to distract themselves from emotional distress that often is the result of past trauma or neglect. They struggle to feel affirmed or desired. They often have feelings of weakness and inferiority and nearly all of them struggle with the ability to emotionally bond with others. Their inappropriate actions are driven by impulse and the ability to compartmentalize their behaviors. Men who undergo counseling for sexual addiction learn why they abuse sex – including cheating – and with that insight can deal with past traumas and learn to emotionally connect with their spouse in a healthy way therefore significantly reducing the likelihood of future infidelity.
12) Men desire adventure Tweet this
The desire for adventure and thrill, risk-taking, excitement seeking.
The way to escape from the routine and blandness of everyday life; the life between work, commute, boring weekends with kids, in front of the TV set, or computer. The way out from responsibilities, duties, and the specific role they have been given or adopted for themselves.
13) Men cheat for various reasons Tweet this
First we have to recognize that there is a difference between why men cheat:
- The thrill of the hunt/danger of an affair,
- Some men have no idea why they are compelled to do it,
- No moral code for marriage,
- Inner drive/need for attention (need for attention exceeds normalcy)
The reasons men give for why they cheat:
- Their partner has a low sex drive/is not interested in sex,
- The marriage is collapsing,
- Unhappy with their partner,
- Their partner isn’t who they used to be,
- She gained weight,
- Wife nags too much, is trying to change him or is a “ball-buster”,
- Better sex with someone who understands them better,
- The chemistry is gone,
- From an evolutionary perspective– they weren’t designed to be monogamous,
- It’s just skin on skin– just sex baby,
- Because they feel entitled/they can.
At the end of the day, however, even if their spouse is intolerable at many levels, there are much better ways to address the issue. Bottom line is that a wife can make a man cheat about as much as she can make him abuse alcohol or drugs– it doesn’t work this way.
14) Men cheat because of the darkness in their hearts Tweet this
One of the most common reasons men cheat on their partners centers on a darkness in their heart or mind, where factors including lust, pride, the enticements of an affair, and personal frustrations with their partner or life in general make them susceptible to being unfaithful.
15) Men cheat for avoidance, culture, value Tweet this
There are no simple answers to this question as to why men cheat because each man has his own reasons and each circumstance is different. Also there certainly are differences between a man who gets caught up in multiple affairs, porn addiction, cyber affairs, or sleeping with prostitutes and a man who falls in love with his co-worker. The reasons for sex addiction are embedded in trauma, while often men who have single affairs cite a lack of something they need in their primary relationships. Sometimes they are missing passionate sex, but just as often, they report that they don’t feel seen or appreciated by their wives. Women get busy, running the household, working at our own careers, and rearing the children. At home, men report that they often feel neglected and taken for granted. In that state of loneliness, they become susceptible to the attention and adoration of someone new. At work, they are looked up to, feel powerful and worthy and may cultivate a relationship with a woman who notices that.
29) Modern romantic ideal is the cause for infidelity Tweet this
Our modern focus on the romantic ideal is practically a setup for infidelity. When a relationship inevitably loses its initial luster, it is not uncommon to long for the passion, sexual thrill, and idealized connection with another that was present when it began. Those who understand and trust the evolution of love that exists in a truly committed relationship will rarely find themselves tempted to cheat.
30) Men seek novelty Tweet this
“Recent research shows that men and women cheat to about the same degree. The common reason men cheat is to seek novelty (fear of intimacy). The common reason women cheat is because of frustrations in their relationship.”
These advice will help women identify the reasons why men cheat and perhaps give them some insight about how men think and what they can do prevent them from cheating.