Ego in Relationships Is Bad for You: These 11 Signs Are a Proof

Relationship experts, marriage counselors, and people who have had successful relationships usually agree on one thing; a big ego and a healthy relationship do not go hand in glove. 

Being in a relationship with someone with an ego the size of The Empire State Building is an ordeal that many people would rather not pass through. It gets worse if this person is ‘you.’ 

This article will help throw some light on the subject of ‘ego in relationship’ and offer practical insight you can apply immediately. 

Here are 11 signs that your ego is ruining your relationship. However, before we get into that, let’s gather some background information. 

What exactly does ego mean in a relationship?

Let’s face it. Admitting that you may be a bit egotistical isn’t the easiest thing to do after conversing with yourself. 

As a matter of fact, this is one thing many people tend to overlook because the realization may be a bit too much for them to handle. 

So, what does ego mean in a relationship? 

Is ‘it’ just the way you are, or does ‘it’ qualify as an expression of a huge ego? Is it something that should give you concern, or does your partner have to adjust to this version of you? 

In any case, understanding what ‘ego’ is can give you a clue into how it may be expressed in your relationship. So, what does ego in a relationship mean?

Your ego is your sense of self-importance or self-esteem. 

However, for the subject of this conversation, we are looking closely at having a ‘big ego’’ and how this may affect your relationship negatively. 

When a person has a ‘big ego,’ they are so full of themselves, especially in a way that others perceive them as irritating. 

A big ego in a relationship manifests in various ways, and this article will expose ten signs that your ego may be affecting your relationship in a negative way.        

How to move away from ego-driven reactions in a relationship

LMFT, Dr. Kimberly VanBuren says

A balanced ego is integral to relationship health, as it enables a secure sense of self-worth.

Ego and relationships don’t usually go together without trouble. Ego problem in relationships is something we all have experienced or have heard about.

Moving away from ego-driven reactions in a relationship involves self-awareness and empathy. Instead of reacting defensively, pause and reflect. 

For example, if your partner criticizes your cooking, instead of firing back defensively, consider their perspective. Maybe they had a tough day. Respond with empathy, saying something like, “I’m sorry you didn’t enjoy it. Let’s work on a meal together.” 

By focusing on understanding and cooperation, you can build a stronger connection and break free from ego-driven reactions that can harm relationships. Learn more about getting rid of ego-driven reactions through this insightful article.

11 signs your ego is ruining your relationship and what to do about it

If you see these signs of ego in relationships, you may want to place your feet on the brakes and analyze the direction you’re headed. 

It may just be that your ego is lurking somewhere in the dark, waiting to clamp down hard on your relationship and force it to break. 

1. The inordinate desire to be right every time

This is one of the first expressions of a big ego in your relationship; the desire to be right at all times while paying little or no attention to the feelings of your partner. 

The only thing that matters is that you get your way and that your partner agrees that you were right after all.

When this starts happening to you, you may discover that you find it difficult to accept that you may be wrong about something. 

In addition, you may hardly listen to your partner and act on what you believe to be right at all times, even when you know that your partner may have an entirely different idea or opinion. 

What to do:

Remind yourself intermittently that you are in a relationship and that your partner has an equal say in it. 

Actively seek out their opinion on salient issues and be ready to reach a compromise when they don’t seem too comfortable with your intended line of action. Remember, a big ego will wreck your relationship. 

2. Communication begins to drop

Communication is a vital part of every relationship. To experience intimacy and companionship on a deep level, there is a need for the partners to be in a loop of communication. 

This goes beyond the occasional ‘hi’ or the inevitable ‘good morning.’  

We’re talking of intimate communication where you talk with your partner and bare yourself to them. However, communication will not be possible if your partner has started noticing signs of a big ego in you.  

The lack of communication is traceable to the fact that your partner may have begun to walk on eggshells around you. Since everything in the relationship has a way of becoming all about ‘you,’ you may begin to notice their withdrawal from you. 

They’d rather keep their secrets to themselves now. Your partner would rather spend more time with other people than with you. This clearly shows the bad impact of ego in relationships.

This may be because they dread the time bomb that may detonate if they try pursuing an intimate conversation with you. 

Even if they do something really stupid, they’d rather talk to someone else than you because they believe you may make them feel bad or judge them too quickly.    

What to do:

The solution to this challenge lies in keeping in mind that taking a big ego into your relationship is a terrible idea. In addition, start making efforts to communicate better. 

Create time for your partner, and let this time be free of every form of intrusion, gadgets, judgment, and everything that can make your partner feel spooked. 

If you think it can help, you may want to take the lead and begin conversations by sharing intimate details of your life with them. Do not be afraid to work your way into it. 

Here are 7 useful tips to immediately improve communication in your relationship:

3. You begin to express jealousy

Another sign of ego in relationships is jealousy. This is not the usual feeling of jealousy and protectiveness that springs up whenever something you perceive as a threat to your relationship shows up. 

This kind of jealousy is usually unfounded, stifling, and sometimes retroactive.  

Jealousy expresses itself in many ways, and one of them is the desire to be controlling. Under these conditions, you demand to always know where your partner is. 

Cynicism characterizes your relationship with them, and you may find yourself sticking your nose in the little things that didn’t matter to you before. 

For example, you may demand to know their device’s password and check every text they send/call they receive. While these may not be problems in themselves, the challenge is the mindset they are done with. 

These acts are usually carried out from a place of toxic energy and the desire to prove that your partner is up to no good, even when this is not the case.

Jealousy can eat up a relationship quickly, especially by creating a negative air and forcing your partner to start becoming wary of you.  

What to do:

You may want to start by having an open conversation with your partner. Air your views and bear your heart to them to deal with jealousy in a relationship. 

Tell them if there is anything they do that places you on edge and makes you question their commitment to the relationship. 

While at it, listen to what they have to say as well. Remember that this is a relationship, and all parties involved must feel safe for it to work. 

4. You play the victim

Victim cards often come up when there is ego in relationships.

A sign of a bruised ego is the nagging fear that you are not enough. Hence, you approach your relationship from the position of being the victim and self-pity. 

Under these circumstances, you feel pressured and as though there is an unspoken competition between yourself and your partner. You measure your actions against a set of standards that are too high and which, in many cases, is all in your mind. 

When this begins to happen, you will start having more negative conversations with yourself and not many positive ones. 

The result is that your distrust for everyone (including your partner) begins to rise, and it is difficult to maintain a relationship this way. This expression of ego in your relationship is a huge threat to the relationship. 

What to do:

Start by talking to your partner. Let them know what you are going through and as much as possible, be completely honest with them. 

Together, you can work out a plan to navigate the trying times in your relationship. This plan may involve enlisting the help of a mental health specialist and seeking therapy. 

While you do these, bear in mind that ego kills, and it must be eliminated from your relationship immediately. 

5. Pride/arrogance

This is one of the biggest ego problems in a relationship. One of the standard expressions of ego in a relationship is pride and flat-out self-centeredness. 

The thing about arrogance is that it begins slowly but can build into something massive within the twinkling of an eye. Also, pride destroys relationships. 

Usually, arrogance in a relationship begins when one person begins to feel, for obvious reasons, that they are better than their partner. 

This could be because they earn more, are more successful in their career, or it could be the result of some abstract factors they have put together in their mind. 

The result of pride is that it makes you begin to see your partner as beneath you and the relationship as somewhat condescending. If you do not take extra care, the strain that comes with this can cause both of you to call the relationship quits.  

What to do: 

Dealing with ego can be a herculean task. This feeling of arrogance and self-centeredness isn’t something to be wished away. 

The first step here is to acknowledge that they exist and make a concrete decision to find a way around them. When you have done this, take some time to communicate with your partner. 

Let them know what is going on in your mind. 

If the reason for the attitude is something external and that can be fixed with little changes in the relationship (maybe, your partner needs to get a better-paying job), work together to see how you can make this happen. 

Also, you may profit a lot from times of reflection and conversations with yourself where you get to remind yourself what it is about your partner that drew you to them in the first place. 

Always reminding yourself of this is one way to keep their true worth in sight at all times and not get swayed by minor details.  

6. You find it difficult to admit and apologize, even when you are wrong

Another sign of a humongous ego in relationships is the inability to admit that you were wrong and apologize to your partner, even when what you have done is glaring. 

When you have this unhealthy ego, admitting that you were wrong about a thing is completely unthinkable. Sometimes, you would rather dance around a topic than address the elephant in the room, all the while leaving your partner to suffer untold pain.  

What to do:

Don’t assume that your partner would understand. If you do something and it turns out to be wrong or not entirely correct, be open with your partner. 

Talk to them, and don’t play down on their emotions. While at it, do not underestimate the power of these three words; ‘I am sorry” 

7. You may have narcissistic tendencies 

Another manifestation of ego in relationships is showing symptoms similar to that of a narcissist.

In all honesty, being with a narcissist is almost as difficult as climbing Mount Everest. Thankfully, it is not quite difficult to detect if you have narcissistic tendencies. 

All you need to look at are the tiny details and be entirely honest with yourself. 

When you have narcissistic tendencies, most of what you do revolves around you. You give little or no thought to the feelings of your partner. 

Most times, you may try different tactics to get them to do whatever you want them to, even if these involve some form of manipulation. 

If you’re dealing with this, you take every known opportunity to talk about yourself and gloat about how you’re better than others. 

It may be difficult for you to read the cues of the people around you because you’re quite wrapped around how perfect your world is. The watchwords of a narcissist are “me, myself, and I.” 

Narcissism is a sign of ego in a relationship, and the result of this is that your partner begins to feel choked in the relationship, unable to express themselves and there is no space for compromise. 

What to do:

Decide that this tendency is something you should consciously work on. You won’t do anything to remedy it if you do not admit that there is something that needs working on in the first place. 

When you have done this, begin channeling your efforts into seeing your partner as a person with equal rights as you. Sometimes, you need to consciously suspend everything that concerns you and just be there for them. 

Remember, the ability to compromise is a major part of every healthy relationship. 

8. Your partner always falls short of your standards

Do you find yourself always feeling resentful because your partner doesn’t meet your definition of ‘perfect?’ 

Probably they do not have the exact sense of fashion you want them to, or they cannot fit into your circle of friends because they aren’t as polished as you’d like them to be. 

This list is endless, and while some of your fears may be valid, your response is what matters. This can all be just a result of having too much ego in relationships.

Because of these thousand ways you find your partner lacking; you make it a point of duty to ‘change’ them. This change includes subjecting them to untold harshness and making them feel bad for not being able to meet your standards. 

Their efforts do not mean so much to you because nothing they do can make them meet up. If you find yourself doing this, it is a sign of a big ego in your relationship, and you must attend to it immediately. 

What to do:

Your partner may not be perfect; no one is. This knowledge alone will help you change your approach in the relationship and provide a level playing field for you to help them grow and get better in different areas of their lives. 

Replace harsh words with moments of heart-to-heart conversations. If all other things fail, allow an authority figure in the life of your partner (maybe a parent or a mentor) to step in and help you make them see reasons why they should grow. 

9. You don’t know your partner’s love language

Everyone has a primary love language, which is the major way they want to receive love. 

One sign that your ego is ruining your relationship is that you do not know your partner’s love language. Even if you do, you do not speak it as often as they need to hear it. 

Not knowing your partner’s love language could suggest that you have an unhealthy ego in your relationship. 

What to do:

Under these conditions, the first step you must take is to discover the different love languages and study your partner to find theirs. 

If you’re still not sure, find a way to extract the answer from them without exposing what you seek. 

Try asking them questions like, “What would I do to remind you how much I love you?” and listen closely to their answers. When you have gotten the answer, be sure to make good use of the information. 

10. Unhealthy competition

One way an unhealthy ego in your relationship is by setting you up for unhealthy competitions you shouldn’t be in. 

When your relationship begins to get highly competitive (in the wrong way), rest assured that someone’s ego is out to play. 

When you find yourself competing to bring in more money, and become more successful and financially independent, so you can put your partner in their place, it is a sign that your ego has taken over the reins of the relationship. 

What to do:

Understand that you’re in no competition with anyone, especially not your partner. 

It is one thing for both of you to challenge yourselves to become better and rise to the peak of your careers or be inspired by the successes of each other, but when you find yourself in the rat race to outdo yourselves, take stock of the situation. 

Admit that there is a situation that needs immediate attention. 

Talk things through. Communication remains a valuable tool and can help deal with a big ego in a relationship. Just doing this can open you up to the steps you must take to effect the desired changes. 

Also, you may need to seek professional help at the same time. Many times, some heart-to-heart conversations do not quite cut it. 

11. Difficulty in compromise

When your ego is running the show, it can be really tough to meet in the middle. You might find yourself digging in your heels, refusing to give an inch in disagreements. 

This stubbornness can lead to a cycle of conflict, as neither you nor your partner are willing to budge. It’s like two cars stuck in a traffic jam, neither willing to yield and letting the other pass.

What to do: 

To overcome this challenge, it’s crucial to remember that compromise isn’t about losing or winning. It’s about finding a solution that works for both you and your partner. Start by taking a step back and recognizing that it’s okay to give a little. 

Listen actively to your partner’s perspective, and express your own needs and concerns honestly. 

7 strategies for overcoming ego in relationships

Ego can be a significant roadblock in relationships, leading to misunderstandings and conflicts. However, by recognizing and addressing it, you can nurture healthier connections. Here are seven practical strategies to help you overcome ego in your relationships.

• Truly hear your partner without formulating your response in your mind. For instance, if your partner expresses frustration about their day, refrain from immediately offering solutions. Instead, say, “I’m here to listen. Tell me more.”
• Allow yourself to be vulnerable and admit when you’re wrong or uncertain. For instance, if you make a mistake, own up to it and apologize sincerely.
• Put yourself in your partner’s shoes to understand their feelings and perspective. When they’re upset about something, say, “I can imagine how that might be really difficult for you.”
• In disagreements, focus on maintaining a strong connection rather than winning the argument. Say, “I value our relationship more than being right.”
• Regularly express appreciation for your partner’s efforts and qualities. Acknowledging their contributions can diminish feelings of superiority.
• If conflicts escalate, don’t hesitate to take a breather to cool off. Say, “Let’s pause for a bit and revisit this when we’re both calmer.”
• Sometimes, professional guidance is essential. A therapist can help both partners navigate ego-related challenges and improve communication.

Commonly asked questions

Ego plays a significant role in relationships, influencing communication and dynamics. Let’s explore common questions about its impact.

• How does ego affect communication in relationships?

Ego can hinder communication by making us defensive, leading to misunderstandings. Being aware of your ego can improve listening and understanding in relationships.

• Is ego always detrimental to relationships?

While ego isn’t always harmful, unchecked arrogance and defensiveness can damage relationships. It’s essential to balance self-esteem with empathy and humility.

• Can ego be completely eliminated from relationships?

Complete elimination is unrealistic, but you can manage and minimize the ego’s negative effects through self-awareness and self-improvement.

• Can ego be beneficial in any way in relationships?

In moderation, ego can boost self-confidence, ambition, and assertiveness in relationships. It becomes beneficial when balanced with empathy and consideration for your partner.

• Is ego bigger than love?

Love and ego are distinct but interconnected. While ego can sometimes challenge love, love has the potential to humble and transform ego when nurtured with care and understanding.

Love above all

How to overcome ego in your relationship?

The 11 points discussed in the last section show that a bruised ego doesn’t produce good results in a relationship. 

If, while you read through the article, it dawned on you that your ego is ruining your relationship, start by making a decision to stop being egotistical. 

Action points have been discussed under all ten signs in the last section. Take action on those points and be willing to let time take its toll. 

The ego problem in your relationship will die a natural death if you do these. Remember, ego kills relationships. A bruised ego and a healthy relationship never go well together!