Lack of Intimacy: Living in a Sexless Marriage

Are you in a sexless marriage?

Living in a sexless marriage is a heavy cross to bear!

This begs the question, what is a sexless marriage?

The definition of sexless marriage as per The Social Organization of Sexuality is this – A sexless marriage is the one where couples aren’t engaging in sexual activity or are having minimal sexual encounters.

Sex and marriage are not mutually exclusive.

Sexless marriage effects on husband and wife include lack of emotional connection, conflicts, relationship dissatisfaction and even proclivity towards committing infidelity in marriage.

But first, what is intimacy?

Intimacy denotes mutual love, sharing and openness. A comfortable equation between partners where they can be easily vulnerable to each other.

There are can be numerous reasons behind the lack of intimacy in a marriage like menopause, age, hormonal issues, and sexual dysfunction. Physical intimacy being an indispensable element in a relationship, marriage without sex can pose a threat to a relationship. But, it is even more difficult to find out how to survive a sexless marriage.

Intimacy issues are not uncommon, and they can certainly be difficult to handle or awkward to address.

No sex in marriage is not something extremely unheard of, there are many couples that struggle with this.

There are marriages which survive without sex, intimacy, and romance, however, these are the attributes that set the relationship between a husband and a wife apart from all other familial ties.

Sex and intimacy are crucial for sustaining a healthy marriage and the effects of lack of sex in a marriage can wreak havoc on a relationship.

Intimacy pertains to the close, connected feelings partners build with one another over time; and the physical and emotional bond that is achieved in healthy relationships.

Effects of living in a marriage with no sex

No intimacy in marriage from husband or wife can be a major source of anxiety and frustration for her, but more for him.

So, how important is sex in a relationship?

Sometimes a lack of sex will trigger a man’s insecurities and in the long-run, sexless marriage effect can damage his self-confidence.

Related: How Important is Sex for A Man

On the other hand, a lack of intimacy in marriage for women can be just as damaging– however, not always in the same way.

Women tend to connect on an emotional level, whereas men tend to connect on a physical level.

This is not to say that sex is not an emotional experience for a man, or that women don’t receive physical pleasure.  It is about different social programming in men and women. Also, if you are a man grappling with the challenges of a sexless marriage, reading sexless marriage advice for men can be helpful in overcoming the sexual drought in marriage.

Related: How Important is Sex for Women

Many men, for example, subconsciously have set standards for themselves that define their role in sexuality.  His self-confidence and ego are tied to his ability to deliver to his partner.  Likewise, a woman who has most likely been socialized to nurture may feel a lack of love and intimacy in marriage, during times when her partner seems less affectionate or withdrawn.

This is because women equate affection with love, and a woman would only withdraw affection if something went wrong.  

This is not the case for men at all.  A withdrawn husband may be deeply engrossed in a thought or project, or he is stressed about a problem at work, for example.  When he is done mulling it over, he will come back and give his wife his attention again.

Common factors behind a sexless marriage

• Withholding sex in marriage
• Childbirth
• Substance abuse or addiction
• Sexual blocks or regressive views on sex
• Infidelity
• Chronic illness
• Traumatic sexual history
• Poor work-life balance
• Unresolved grief 

Still wondering what are the factors responsible for your sexless marriage?

Talking to a sex therapist who specializes in relationship and sexual challenges can be helpful in keeping a finger on the pulse of your sex life. A sex counselor or a therapist can help you figure out a definite answer to the question, “how to overcome intimacy issues”.

Can a sexless marriage survive?

As for those marriages which are sexually inactive for a long period of time, this is a very valid question. Marriage without sex is rarely heard of and learning how to survive a sexless marriage is not easy.  

Yet, many marriages do survive without romance, emotion, passion, and sex, but even in cultures where marriages are strictly utilitarian, engaged in for the purpose of economy, religion, or duty, sex and intimacy are often still integral in these situations as a duty of a wife to her husband, and vice versa.

Though it may sound strange, it’s actually pretty smart and sensible –the people of these cultures recognize the undeniable existence of their basic primal urges, and whether for the purpose of procreation or not – they support one another in this area as well.

 No intimacy in marriage means loss of connection, which is actually what a marriage stands for.

How to cope with a marriage without sex

This may be an unfair question; the question essentially asks how to do more with less. Coping with a marriage lacking in intimacy looks like a plant trying to cope without water.  Coping with a sexless marriage first requires you to identify when did you stop having sex in marriage. 

A better question might be, is a marriage without physical intimacy really a marriage?

We’re not talking about the normal ebb and flow of things; when intimacy decreases and rises.  We are talking about complete stagnancy of sexual marital intimacy.  A plant without water might still have green leaves,  might enjoy the rays of sunlight, and it might even be alive, but the truth is, it is droopy and lethargic, it’s sad, and it has lost its vibrancy.  

This metaphor resembles marriage without sex, affection or intimacy.

Tips to fix a sexless marriage

Being in a state where there is no intimacy in marriage from husband or wife is always awful.

Most often, partners realize that it happens slowly as the sex dwindles and happens just once in a month or less frequently.

It can get frustrating or partners may become complacent (like roommates) or both. A sexless marriage effect on the husband is bad, but it is worse for the wives.

Either way, a marriage like this has deep-rooted problems that need to be identified and fixed.

So, how to survive a sexless marriage?

Here are a few things you can do to fix the lack of intimacy in your marriage:

• Ask yourself and your partner how you both got here.
• Discuss your needs openly with each other.
• Don’t blame your spouse for the situation. Ask yourself what was your role in this?
• Use ‘I’ statements vs ‘You’ and refrain from becoming angry or blaming your partner.
• Tell each other that you both will make the commitment to fix your intimacy issues.
• Start by holding hands, looking into each other’s eyes, initiating physical contact

• During the day, when you are away at work, send each other romantic texts, express how you miss them and how you can’t wait to get back home.
• Talk to each other, cuddle while watching movies at night, enjoy a delicious meal together, have a bath together, or massage each other.
• Take care of your health and physical appearance. Keep yourself fit and attractive.
• Stop being clingy or complaining. No one is attracted to someone like that. Instead, cultivate your own interests and pursue your hobbies and passions.
• Don’t be afraid to share your fantasies with your spouse.

• Detox your relationship. This means leave the bitterness, anger, resentment aside and start to treat each other with love, kindness, and affection.
• Practice forgiveness in your marriage.
• Get out of your way to love and serve your partner and soon your sexless relationship will be a thing of past.
• Play sex games.

• Celebrate little successes together.
• Attend a marriage retreat.
• Plan weekends and holidays. You don’t have to go to far-flung and expensive destinations – even small picnics together work.
• Look at the past and remember the time you were passionate about each other. Bring those moments back again in your present and in the future.
• Seek counseling. Professional experts can help you out in understanding your issues and guide you to work it out together.

What to do when sex just isn’t possible

However, there are couples with a relationship completely devoid of sex, and want to take baby steps towards building intimacy without sex first, and then find answer to the question, ” how to fix a sexless marriage”.

Also sometimes sex is n’t just possible.

Sexual issues like erectile dysfunction, sexual pain disorders, sexual arousal disorders and pelvic floor dysfunction to name a few, can also be the factors responsible for  a sexless marriage.

So, how is it that the two of you can maintain intimacy without sex?

• Hand-holding while walking along or talking, to maintain intimacy and closeness
• Following the ritual of touching each other, exploring the potentially erotic areas of each other’s body
• Joining a couples activity like learning a dance form or a cooking class, together
• Creating relationship goals to foster closeness
• Taking up a credible marriage course online to restore the health of your relationship
• Having inside jokes with your partner to add fun back to your marriage

How to be intimate in long distance relationships

There is no way you have to believe that just because you are geographically apart in a long distance relationship, you can’t build or sustain an intimate relationship if you are both equally willing to make a dedicated effort towards overcoming lack of intimacy in your relationship.

If you are starting a long distance relationship or maintaining a long distance relationship with your partner, keep making efforts to overcome lack of intimacy by doing little things religiously.

Indulge in video chat, share photos, share information about your whereabouts and day to day events, and design your visits aimed at enhancing physical intimacy with your partner.

Wondering, how to survive a sexless marriage? Well! You have your answers here.