So you’ve been cheated on in the past and decided to let it go. But that nagging feeling that he may do it again never leaves you. If you can relate to this, then here are some warning signs that you must be mindful about…
1. You aren’t actually a Spouse
I hate to say this to you, but he just might not be that into you. Living together isn’t married. Married is married.
There wasn’t a time of clarity when he knew you were “the one” and stood up in front of the world and declared that he loved you more than anyone else. And now he has cheated on you.
A man will live with, be in a relationship with and have sex with a woman that isn’t “the one”. Often a man will move in with a girl because it is the “next step” and he doesn’t want to rock the boat. He figures it will be cozy, that he’ll get more sex. It isn’t that he hates you. He doesn’t. You just aren’t “the one”.
My advice to you is to move on. You hit a rough patch in the relationship and he partnered with someone else. Marriage and life is tough. You might experience job loss, pregnancy, a special needs child, the death of a parent… At these times, you are going to be yourself, and you aren’t going to be the perfect partner. You need someone whom you can trust to have confidence in you and the relationship, and he certainly is not it. Save yourself from more heartache and find someone who thinks you are “the one”.
2. He won’t give up his affair
This is the biggest warning sign of all. A husband who can’t (or won’t) give up his affair partner is not committed to you and only you. You might encounter this problem in any of the following ways:
He says he can handle being in touch with her as “just friends”.
If he says he wants to “just stay friends” with her, tell him to get out. His affair partner is toxic to your marriage, and it is pretty much impossible for a man and woman who have had an affair to suddenly scale back the attraction to an acceptable level. He might genuinely care about her, and he may feel like her friendship is important to him, but the truth is that this woman is DANGER. If he doesn’t recognize this (or won’t admit his weakness), he is a fool that is playing with fire. Chances are he will succumb to temptation at some point in the future.
3. He tells you the affair is over… but still keeps in touch with her
Of course, I’m not talking about some crazy woman who is stalking him, and he’s being a perfect gentleman telling her to go away and that he’s committed to you. I’m referring to:
- Love letters/text messages/emails/voice-mails about how much he misses her or wishes they could still be together.
- Communication stating that he had to break it off because you found out
- Under the guise of “Closure” meeting up with her, even if it’s just in public for coffee (but especially if they have met up alone and had sex again).
It is important for you to understand that many men do get emotionally involved with their affair partners, and it is typically difficult for men to let go of that relationship. If he’s not ready to give her up yet, he’s not ready to commit to you and only you.
4. He blames you for the affair
If he says something to the effect of: “It’s your fault. You made me do it,” then you’re in trouble. If he won’t take responsibility and puts the blame on you, you should take this as a sign that he will likely cheat again in the future and is unable to truly repair the relationship. Men who blame their partners for their own poor decisions are usually incapable of taking responsibility for those poor choices. In his mind, in the future if you aren’t perfectly meeting his needs it is okay for him to cheat on you again.
This is different from when you ask him why he cheated and he answers you in a calm way, explaining he felt deprived because you rarely had sex or that he was starving for attention because you criticized him too much. I’m not talking about him trying to give you a reason so you will understand why he was vulnerable (and what you can do to help him be strong and faithful). However, that is very different from a man accusing you of “making” him cheat, or blaming his affair on you.