20 Signs You Are Being Selfish in a Relationship

In all romantic relationships, there is an ebb and flow of giving and receiving.  In a healthy, nurturing relationship, this is balanced, with equal doses of caring and being cared for alternating between the two people.

However, when this flow becomes unbalanced, with one of the partners becoming selfish in the relationship, it does not bode well for the longevity of the couple.  How do you identify traits of a selfish person?

Let’s have a look at some of the signs and the solutions to being selfish in a relationship.

How do you know if you are being selfish in a relationship

If you are asking yourself, “Am I selfish?” That is already a good sign something could be off balance.  It means that you are sensing that the balance of care in your couple is off.  When you think about it, romantic love, in a way, is a little selfish.  

We fall in love because it makes us feel good, flooding us with endorphins. 

We sometimes fall in love because of the idea that the other person will fit into our lives a certain way.

says Dionne Eleanor, transformational therapist, and mentor.

Yes, love can be selfish, but that is not a reason to be complacent and stop being generous with your partner when you are in a romantic relationship. 

Fortunately, with a little self-awareness followed by some active efforts to change your selfish behavior, you can turn a selfish relationship around.

Related Reading: Ways to Deal With a Selfish Partner in a Relationship

20 signs you are being selfish in your relationship

Dionne Eleanor says,

When love becomes a one-way street, with selfishness as the only driver, the heart begins to feel the weight of neglect.

Let’s begin by looking at 20 signs that show you are being selfish in a relationship.

Knowing these signs will help you identify where you are going wrong. Perhaps you might be being selfish or inconsiderate inadvertently. 

So, discerning these signs can help you change for the better!

1. You are rigid in your thinking  

One of the beautiful advantages of being in an intimate relationship is the different viewpoints your partner brings to the conversation.  

If you find that you are consistently unable to consider their viewpoint, this is one of the signs of selfishness. You can stop being selfish in a relationship by redefining your thought process.

2. You shut off when your partner has an opinion different from yours  

This is related to point one above.  You are so convinced that the way you see things is the “right” way, you do not open up to a differing opinion and are unwilling to even examine it.

So, if you realize that this is what you have been doing, all you have to do is practice active listening and not dismiss your partner’s viewpoint impulsively.

According to Dionne Eleanor,

Selfishness in a relationship is like a shadow, casting doubt and darkness over the warmth of shared moments.

3. You never assume responsibility for being in the wrong

This is an annoying trait of a selfish personality.  A simple “I’m sorry; I was wrong” can go far in healing from a misunderstanding.  If you cannot say that, you are being selfish in a relationship.

There are several barriers to apologizing, but if you value the relationship more than anything else, it isn’t that tough as well!

Related Reading: How to Apologize to Someone You’ve Hurt

4. You insist that you both do what you want to do

If you are wondering, “am I being selfish in my relationship?” think about what your weekends were like in the early days of your story.  Was there an equal mix of doing what you liked to do and what your partner liked to do?  

Are you now seeing that you set the plans, and these do not include the activities that your partner loved to do? If so, the answer to the question “Am I selfish in my relationship?” is a definite “Yes”!

5. Lack of acceptance for your partner’s individuality  

If you find yourself trying to change your partner, attempting to turn them into someone different from the person you fell in love with, this is a sign of selfishness in the relationship. 

If you find yourself doing this, you must ask yourself- would you appreciate it if your partner tries to change you as well? This should help you to turn things around!

6.Your needs and wants come before your partner’s 

 It is one thing to make sure you take care of what you need in order to thrive and feel authentic.  It is another to ignore the needs and desires of your partner.  

Being selfish in a relationship means that you consistently put yourself first, even if it hurts the other person. 

Related Reading: How to Communicate Your Needs in a Relationship?

7.You are a control freak  

Controlling relationships are unhealthy and damaging because not only do you feel the need to control what you do as a couple, but you also feel the need to exert control over your partner’s life.  

“Do this, not that,” you tell them, controlling everything from how they load the dishwasher to how they puff the bed pillows. 

8. You expect your partner to be there for you, but you are rarely there for them  

You come home from work, exasperated due to a conflict with your boss.  You spend the majority of the evening describing the details of the situation to your partner.  

Ask yourself when the last time was that you did the same for them? 

 If you cannot remember, this is a sign of selfishness in a relationship.

9. You lack patience

You become annoyed if your partner does not respond immediately to your text or voice mail. Or, you snap at them if they do not follow your advice.

All these things indicate that you lack patience. And, lacking patience with your partner definitely implies that you are being selfish in a relationship.

Related Reading: Ways to Have More Patience in a Relationship

10. You are unwilling to listen to your shortcomings from your partner 

You are unwilling to listen to your partner when they point out certain traits of yours.

Your partner is getting tired of having to deal with a selfish person in a relationship. 

They may have approached you, trying to openly communicate about what they are experiencing.  You shut them down immediately. 

11. You exhibit manipulative behavior to get what you want  

How selfish are you?  When your partner voices their displeasure with your selfish behavior, you threaten to leave them or freeze them out by not talking to them for days. 

Gaslighting in a relationship reaffirms your selfish behavior. This kind of behavior is detrimental to any relationship and is extremely unhealthy. In fact it isoften considered a form of emotional abuse.

12. You are least bothered about your partner’s career

You are hyper-focused on climbing the corporate ladder but never have a conversation about how your partner’s career is going. 

You tend to make decisions that are beneficial to your career growth, but when it comes to your partner, you display your nonchalant attitude.

Related Reading: Keys to Career Success Along With a Thriving Marriage

13. You take your partner for granted.  

Long gone are the days when you brought them surprise gifts or planned a weekend getaway just to watch their eyes light up in delight.  

Now you are focused on yourself and cannot be bothered to give your partner the attention and caring that contributes to a joyful relationship. 

14. You neglect to put in any effort to make your partner smile  

Whether it is gift-gifting or meaningful conversation with a rich back-and-forth, you do the bare minimum.  

But should they forget to order the special birthday present you had on your wishlist, you get angry and accuse them of never listening to you.

15. You might solicit your partner’s opinion on a matter, but you ignore it

Sometimes, just for the heck of it, you might seek your partner’s opinion. But, in reality, you are not even listening to what they say! 

Or if you happen to listen to your partner , you won’t even consider following it. You eventually end up doing things in your own way.

Also Try: Do You Have a Selfish Partner Quiz

16. You like to win every argument

Whenever you find yourself in a conflict with your partner, you stop at nothing to win the argument, even if your tactics are irrational.  

All that counts is that you win, and they lose. But, you need to realize that his habit of winning might prove to be detrimental to your relationship in the long run.

17. Guilt is your weapon to make your partner do what you want 

When you see that you are meeting with resistance when trying to persuade your partner to do what you want, you pull out the guilt card. 

You don’t give a second thought to sending your partner on a guilt trip. Eventually, you are concerned with only what you want.

18. You always compete with your partner, and not in a healthy way  

Are you in a Competitive Relationship? A little competition can be good; in sports, it brings up the adrenaline and allows one to push harder.  

But feeling angry because your partner got a raise, was named “Employee of the Week,” or brought in the first prize in an art contest is pure selfish behavior. This usually tends to happen if both partners share a common professional goal.

Related Reading: How Selfishness in Marriage Is Wrecking Your Relationship

19. You accuse your partner of being selfish  

Because you know that this is a trait you have yourself (and do not like), you accuse your partner of being self-centered and not meeting your needs.

Accusing your partner or playing blame games seldom helps in a relationship. This is a surefire recipe to let any relationship go downhill.

20. You have long given up on thinking about pleasing your partner  

Not only do your thoughts never extend to your partner’s well-being, but you also can’t even remember what your partner’s needs might even be. 

Is it wrong to be selfish?  

Yes, when the degree of selfishness is so very deep that you have lost sight of your partner’s happiness.

If you are asking yourself, “why am I so selfish?” it might be time to take a personal inventory, guided by a therapist, to drill down to the source behind being selfish in a relationship.

Related Reading: Can your Partner Make you Happy?

The detrimental effects of being selfish in a relationship

What is selfish love?  How is it different from honoring your own needs?  

Being a bit selfish in love is not necessarily a bad thing.  You do not always want to disrespect your needs, your beliefs, your convictions.  

But that is not the type of selfish love we are examining here.  When a person finds themselves reflected in any of the twenty signs of selfishness outlined above, this can destroy your relationship.

Being selfish in a relationship can lead to the following outcomes:

• Your partner might stop caring for you and become indifferent towards your dreams and ambitions.
• Your partner can become reluctant in thinking about your happiness.
• Your love life can get badly affected by your display of selfishness time and again.
• Not just physical intimacy, but emotional intimacy too is lost.
• Selfishness in a relationship might force your partner to seek love outside the relationship.
• The relationship can begin to crumble beyond repair.

If the relationship is important to you, if you truly do love your partner, you will need to change if at all you are being selfish in the relationship.

Dionne Eleanor shares that

Being habitually selfish in relationships can set you up for a lifetime of feeling unfulfilled, disconnected, and lonely.

Related Reading: Banishing Selfishness From Your Relationship

How to stop being selfish in a relationship

If you feel that your actions are selfish enough to hurt your partner and destroy the relationship, perhaps it’s time to make some serious amends.

Here are listed a few tips to help you stop being selfish and revive your relationship.

• Learn to listen

You can work on active listening with a therapist or by reading some techniques on the internet.  

The point is to tune into your partner when they are speaking and really hear and acknowledge what they are sharing with you.

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• Share the spotlight

In love, there is no competition.  Let your partner bask in the glory of their recent promotion or prize.  

Tell them how happy you are for them. Celebrate their achievements just like your own!

• Become a volunteer

While this action is not directly related to your relationship, the selflessness you exhibit when you volunteer in your community or with a charity will likely spill over to your love life, making you a better, more generous person and your partner a happier one.

• Practice empathy 24/7

To go from selfish to caring, learn to practice empathy.  

If your partner is describing a difficult situation they are experiencing, put yourself in their shoes in order to see it from their point of view.  Imagine what they are feeling! Use guided meditations on the theme of empathy and understanding to give you some support.

Related Reading: How to Build Empathy in Relationships

Wrapping up

Overcoming selfishness in relationships requires changing some habits, some of which may be deeply ingrained.  Of course, there is no magical solution to expedite this process. 

Nonetheless, it has been time and again reiterated that if you consider your relationship with your partner above everything else, you must do the needful to maintain the relationship if you truly love them.

Relationships are hard work. You can’t expect to get all the love, attention, and care from your partner by not reciprocating. Seek a counselor’s help if you are finding it difficult to get rid of certain traits.

All this might sound a bit of work, but eventually, you will reap the benefits that entail a happy and a fulfilling relationship.