What Is Emotional Abandonment in Marriage? 5 Ways to Cope

Sitting on the sofa in my office during their first couples counseling session, Alena, 38, describes the loneliness she feels in her ten-year marriage. As she shares how her husband, Dan, 43, withholds approval and affection from her, he sits quietly and doesn’t respond to her comments.

It’s not always that anger or strong emotions destroy a marriage. It can be because of emotional abandonment in marriage.

Emotional abandonment in marriage refers to a situation in which one or both partners withdraw emotionally to avoid conflict and convey disapproval by distancing or withholding attention or affection. Such a pattern often makes the other partner feel unsupported, lonely and rejected.

Alena said, “Whenever I try to talk to Dan about my true feelings, he tells me I’m blowing things out of proportion, and then he walks out of the room, and I won’t see him for hours.”

While it’s difficult to spot the effects of emotional abandonment in marriage in the early stages, ignoring your bids for connection is often a telltale sign. It’s almost as if there’s an invisible barrier that you can’t break through to reach your partner. 

When emotional abandonment in marriage exists, couples often stop sharing their feelings and become non-responsive and non-communicative. However, the question is, “Is emotional abandonment abuse?” 

To get an answer to that question and other questions like how you can cope with emotional abandonment in a marriage, make sure you stick with this article till the end.

What is emotional abandonment in marriage?

Emotional abandonment in marriage refers to the distressing feeling of being sidelined and unheard when your spouse doesn’t want to do anything with you. It unfolds as one partner becomes self-absorbed, seemingly oblivious to their companion’s emotions and trials, which can give rise to isolation within the relationship. 

Picture a scenario where your attempts at shared activities are met with disinterest, amplifying the yearning for connection. Confronting emotional abandonment mandates transparent communication, vulnerability, and a potential need for professional intervention.

9 symptoms and signs of emotional abandonment in marriage

Emotional abandonment in a marriage can be distressing and damaging to both partners. Here are some emotional abandonment symptoms in a marriage as well as signs that might help you figure out what you’re facing currently: 

1. Lack of communication

One of the most common signs of emotional abandonment by husband or wife in a marriage is a significant decline in open and honest communication between partners. Conversations become superficial or non-existent, and essential emotional topics are avoided.

2. Emotional detachment

If you are dealing with emotional abandonment in marriage, one or both partners might begin to distance themselves from the relationship emotionally. They might show little interest in each other’s lives, feelings, or experiences, leading to a feeling of isolation.

3. Loss of intimacy

Emotional abandonment can lead to a loss of intimacy, both physical and emotional. Couples might stop being affectionate, engaging in physical touch, or even becoming uncomfortable with emotional vulnerability.

4. Preoccupation with external activities

If one partner becomes overly preoccupied with work, hobbies, friends, or other external activities and consistently prioritizes these over spending time with their spouse, it could indicate emotional abandonment.

5. Feeling neglected

When one partner consistently experiences emotional neglect in a marriage and feels unimportant or disregarded by the other, it’s a sign that emotional abandonment in marriage may be taking place. This can lead to feelings of sadness, resentment, and frustration.

6. Emotional outbursts

Emotional abandonment can manifest in sudden emotional outbursts or arguments. The frustration of feeling unheard or unimportant may lead to bursts of anger, sadness, or even depression.

7. Decreased empathy

Partners might become less empathetic toward each other’s struggles or challenges. They might show a lack of understanding or offer minimal emotional support when their spouse is going through difficult times.

8. Sense of loneliness

Feeling lonely within a marriage can be a clear indicator of emotional abandonment. Even though partners may physically be together, a sense of emotional isolation can lead to a deep sense of loneliness and sadness.

9. Loss of shared goals and future plans

Emotional abandonment can lead to a lack of shared dreams, goals, and future plans. Partners may stop discussing their aspirations together and start making important life decisions without considering each other’s input or feelings. This can create a growing emotional distance between them.

If you recognize these signs in your marriage, addressing the issue as soon as possible is essential. Open communication, couples therapy, and a willingness to work together can help reconnect and rebuild a stronger emotional bond between partners.

Causes of emotional abandonment in marriage

In my practice working with couples, the most common reason why emotional abandonment in marriage occurs is a change in the amount of support and engagement between partners. Most often, one spouse withdraws and gives the other person silent treatment due to feelings of hurt, anger, or resentment.

It usually happens when partners fail to communicate their feelings. If this goes on long enough, it can cause the neglected partner to feel emotionally abandoned.

In some cases, the cause of emotional abandonment in marriage is an emotional or extramarital affair. If your partner begins confiding your problems to another person over time, this can lead to a deep connection that’s more than friendship. 

Relationship experts explain that emotional and extramarital affairs are forms of betrayal. According to them, “The primary difference between physical and emotional affairs is actual physical contact. Usually, cheating involves people meeting face-to-face and engaging in physical sex.”

In other instances, the cause of emotional abandonment or neglect in a marriage could run deeper. Emotional neglect can stem from an individual’s own attachment inquiries. If someone never learned to have supportive, healthy relationships in childhood or adolescence, they will struggle to make that change in adulthood.

How do emotional abandonment issues affect relationships?

A pursuer-distancer pattern can develop if the spouse feels emotionally abandoned and becomes a pursuer. Such type of emotional abandonment can lead to divorce. While all couples need autonomy and closeness, this dynamic leaves both partners chronically dissatisfied.

In a recent landmark study of 14,000 participants conducted by Paul Schrodt of Christian University, it was discovered that women usually (but not always) demand or pursue, and men tend to withdraw or distance themselves.

Whether a partner experiences emotional abandonment in marriage occasionally or often, it’s destructive because it leads to one partner grasping for straws, feeling ignored and helpless, and questioning what they did to upset their spouse. 

It’s a precise defense mechanism on the person’s part, inflicting silence and emotional pain on their partner.

How to deal with emotional abandonment in marriage? 5 ways

Dealing with emotional abandonment in marriage can be challenging. Still, there are effective ways for you and your spouse to address and overcome this issue. Here are some strategies that can help you navigate through this challenging situation:

1. Establish an honest and open line of communication

Try not to take things personally if your partner complains about your behavior. Instead, listen when they speak to you carefully. Furthermore, don’t respond in anger or be condescending; allow them to talk openly about their concerns without interrupting. Then, respond calmly, validate their points, and express your perspective.

2. Turn toward your partner and avoid withdrawing when you feel upset

Do your best to stay with an essential discussion by turning toward your partner and being willing to engage in a conversation. Listen to their side of the story even if you feel rejected or resentful. 

Overtures can be displayed in simple but powerful ways, such as a smile or a pat on the shoulder. 

If you find your partner turning away from you (looking at their phone) or turning against you (walking away), gently ask them if they have time to talk, and turn toward them by using good eye contact.

3. Avoid the pursuer-distancer pattern

You can see this dynamic happens when one partner becomes defensive and distant, and the other becomes critical and strong in their pursuit of attention. This pattern can destroy a marriage, so gain awareness of it and stop it in its tracks by reversing this dynamic.

The pursuer must retreat somewhat and encourage the distancer to move closer by offering empathy and understanding.

4. Practice self-soothing when your spouse is stonewalling

Take a brief break if you feel stressed out or flooded. This will give you both time to calm down and collect your thoughts to have a more meaningful dialogue with your partner. Decide how long of a period you’ll take for a reprieve from the dialogue. 

Couples usually feel less defensive with a break, so feelings of hurt and rejection dissolve more quickly, and couples can return to a discussion respectfully.

Looking for ways to build emotional intimacy in your marriage? Here are some tips suggested by licensed marriage and family therapist Steph Anya: 

5. Avoid playing the role of a victim

If you want to heal from the hurt caused by emotional abandonment, it’s important not to play the victim card or the blame game.

Don’t rehash the past and replay what your spouse did to inquire about you. Doing so may make them defensive and counterproductive to your goal of healthy communication.

Commonly asked questions

Navigating the complexities of emotional abandonment in marriage can be challenging. Below, you’ll find answers to some common questions that shed light on this sensitive topic.

• How does emotional abandonment manifest in a marriage? 

Emotional abandonment in a marriage becomes evident when partners grow distant, neglecting emotional needs and intimacy. Communication wanes, leaving spouses feeling isolated and disconnected.

• How can emotional abandonment in marriage be addressed? 

Open communication is vital to address emotional abandonment. Partners must express their feelings, consider therapy, and work to rebuild emotional bonds through understanding and empathy.

• What are the effects of emotional abandonment on the abandoned spouse?

Emotional abandonment can lead the abandoned spouse to experience loneliness, low self-worth, and anxiety. It may also result in trust issues, affecting overall mental well-being.

• How does emotional abandonment differ from physical abandonment in a marriage?

While emotional abandonment involves neglecting emotional needs and intimacy, physical abandonment refers to being physically absent. Both can harm a marriage, but emotional abandonment’s subtlety makes it equally damaging.

• Can emotional abandonment lead to divorce?

Yes, emotional abandonment can contribute to divorce. Prolonged emotional disconnection erodes the marriage’s foundation, making reconciliation difficult and often leading to the decision to divorce.

Learn to overcome emotional abandonment in a relationship!

Once you’ve learned to avoid the behavior patterns that can lead to emotional abandonment in marriage, it becomes much easier to communicate effectively with your partner. However, if you find yourself struggling, tell them what you need positively using an “I statement” without assigning blame. 

For instance, say something like, “I feel disconnected from you. You’re pulling away, and I want to connect with you.” Over time, you’ll restore intimacy by being honest and open with your spouse during periods of high conflict, emotional distance, or distress.

Expert Q&A

What do I do if my husband always walks away whenever I try to express myself to him? He says I have issues and “whatever” when I tell him his comments hurt my feelings.

Jennifer Jacobsen Schulz

Licensed Clinical Social Worker

Expert Answer

At a time when he is calm and in a good mood, sit down with him and express your concerns. Be prepared to give specific examples of behavior that has hurt your feelings. Communicate to him that it's important to you, and you'd like to resolve this issue to improve the relationship. If he's not open to talking, it may be time to see a marital counselor together. Your partner should be open to you expressing your feelings and should want to avoid hurting you. If he cannot do this, you may need to get to the bottom of the issue with the help of a professional.

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Terry Gaspard Other

Terry Gaspard MSW, LICSW has been a therapist and relationship expert for over 30 years. Her work focuses on helping individuals, couples, and families become more resilient, build stronger relationships and marriages, and recover after break-up and divorce. She is a contributor to nine websites including... Read more The Gottman Institute Relationship Blog and the author of the award-winning book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy Long-lasting Relationship. Terry�s book, The Remarriage Manual: How to Make Everything Work Better the Second Time Around, was published by Sounds True in February of 2020. Follow Terry at her website. Read less