Occasionally and against the odds, some couples are able to regroup, retool, and experience some reconciliation after separation. Surviving a marital separation does not happen accidentally, however. Individuals who are able to overcome a temporary dissolution of marriage have typically engaged in a few tail tell behaviors that ensure that things will work out for the marriage.
So you want to enhance your chance of getting back together after the separation? Begin with honesty. You and your partner must be willing to honestly depict the issues that led to the trouble. Whether it be abuse, infidelity, addiction, or the like, the “cards” must be put on the table. If partners cannot be honest about the areas that hurt, how can they expect to be forthcoming about the changes that need to occur to bolster the marriage? A third-party counselor or mediator is always advisable. Seek the wisdom of someone who’s been there in the past or someone well-suited to offer you tools that help nourish honesty, vision, and intimacy.
Getting back after separation: What you must do?
Perhaps the next most important to step for those intent on getting back together after a separation, is to insert a healthy dose of transparency into the relationship. If the trust has eroded, then transparency is the appropriate antidote. Being open about finances, personal habits, and schedules will help the couple regain some measure of trust. It’s never a bad idea to consider coaching. If you have some people in your life – professional or lay – who can model a best practice of person-first dialogue, then engage them. Quickly.
Additionally, you also need to be honest and ask yourself some difficult questions. Carefully think through the below before getting back together after separation:
- Did you end the relationship or did your partner? During the separation, did you both get a chance to be able to talk openly and honestly about what went wrong with your relationship? If no, then now’s the time to have an open and honest dialogue with each other.
- Have any of you changed since the relationship ended? If yes, then how? Have those changes brought you closer together or further apart?
- While you were apart, were you aware of what was going on in the other person’s life?
- Are there any other important factors that could affect your relationship in the future if you get back together?
- What new skills or resources are you both willing to use now to make the relationship work? (Something that was never used before)
Give reconciliation a chance
A wise soul once quipped, “Sometimes two people have to fall apart to realize how much they need to fall back together.” Do you agree? Clearly, space has a way of showing us what matters, what doesn’t, what hurts, and what helps. If you are intent on putting your marriage back together, and your partner is willing to do his part, then, by all means, give reconciliation a chance.
If you want to make your marriage work, here are some tips that will help you get back together after a separation:
- Accept your mistakes: To make the marriage work, you both HAVE TO accept the mistakes you both made that contributed towards the break up in the first place. Couples who go down the path of reconciliation, must be willing to say sorry. Understand that forgiveness, trust, and openness to make amends will be the main ingredients that can save your marriage again.
- Be ready for changes: Perhaps the most important of all things is to be ready for changes. Accept that the relationship cannot go back to where it was before the separation; because that will only lead to another failure.
Speak openly about your wants and desired changes. And be prepared to change yourself too for the sake of your partner.
- Acknowledge: Appreciate your spouse whenever you notice an effort from their side to improve the relationship. You too, must make efforts to let them know the same. Share your feelings, hopes, desires and your willingness to do whatever it takes to make this relationship a success.
- Give it time: Rebuild your relationship slowly and give it ample time, so you (as well as your partner) can be ready again for its many demands. Give each other enough time and space to work things out. When thought and importance is given to this, then both partners can think rationally and change whatever needs to be changed. Recognize your own faults and work on them too.
Give your all to the relationship; if things do not work out in a way you envisioned, be willing to knock the dust off your shoes and head out in a positive direction.