A sexless marriage is like a flightless bird or an eggless omelet, or a rose without scent… It just doesn’t seem right, and it’s not.
And this is not something you can really talk about either. In this sex-crazed society, most people would think you were joking or exaggerating. But for those who know what it’s like, it is certainly no joke.
So, what should a wife do in a sexless marriage?
If you are a wife who has a sexless marriage, you are no doubt sadly familiar with the feelings of frustration, rejection, and confusion, that your husband’s lack of passion and desire has caused you.
If it is any comfort, please know that you are not alone – many women are suffering in a similar way.
There are always options for you to consider, and this article will seek to help you think through your situation in order to reach a decision on the best way forward for you and your husband. But firstly, let us define the term “sexless marriage” and then talk about how to rekindle a sexless marriage.
What exactly is a sexless marriage?
This definition is not as simple as it may sound, and different couples have different thresholds of what they consider to be a reasonable amount of sex. Some couples may be satisfied with making love ten times per year, or once a month maximum.
Some experts consider less than ten times per year as being “sexless.” Then there are the couples who can’t even remember when the last time was that they were passionate.
Whatever the scenario, it seems that sexless marriages are becoming more of a phenomenon nowadays than previously, or perhaps it is because people are starting to speak up (or write) about it more openly.
And apparently it doesn’t just affect a particular age group or sector of society – it can happen to anyone. But of course, it probably didn’t start like that – so what really causes a sexless marriage and how to bring back intimacy in a marriage.
Causes of a sexless marriage
The reasons that cause a couple to stop having sex are many and varied and are usually very personal.
It could be that your partner had his feelings hurt or got turned down. Hectically busy schedules and a stressful lifestyle are also infamous libido killers. This can be especially true if you have one or more very young children to care for.
Then there is just the general lack of desire, which may be combined with a communication problem of some sort. It may be a combination of reasons, so it is not always easy to identify the root cause.
But whatever the reason, the result of being the wife in sexless marriage is obvious and painful, and the question you are really faced with is how to fix a sexless marriage.
How to deal with a sexless relationship
Don’t take on false guilt and blame
Rather than thinking about how to arouse your husband, ask yourself what your role has been in becoming the wife in a sexless marriage.
Have you communicated your feelings clearly to your husband? Have you resolved any issues between you that may have caused a blockage in your love flow?
It is crucial that you do not absorb all the blame and beat yourself up, thinking that it’s your fault he doesn’t want to have sex with you. This can quickly happen when you are feeling unwanted and rejected, but it is counterproductive to resolving the impasse.
Instead, step back and realize that whether or not your man is initiating sex does not indicate how sexy you are. It may mean that he is struggling with some kind of erectile dysfunction, which he is ashamed to let you know about, so he would rather abstain.
If you are not sure about how to talk to your husband about sexless marriage, you can still keep showing him affection and letting him know how much you still love and want him.
Determine whether it is a passing season
Every marriage goes through dry patches as the seasons of life roll around. Maybe you have a newborn in the family, and life is just exhausting. Or perhaps it is a particularly stressful season in yours and your husband’s careers.
As your ages creep up, this may also affect the sex drive. So when you are ruminating over how to fix a sexless marriage, determine whether it is due to a particular passing season that could change in the near future, or is it pervasive and unlikely to change?
Get professional help
It is always advisable to get professional help if a problem is ongoing without any breakthrough in sight. Ask your spouse if he is willing to visit a medical doctor to see if any physical causes can be effectively treated.
Marriage counseling or therapy can also be a suitable option for you both to gain clarity about your relationship, figuring out the reasons for reasons that may be behind the lack of intimacy, and for restoring intimacy in marriage.
Bringing an objective third party into the situation can have the dual effect of acknowledging the seriousness of your struggle, as well as accessing the help that is available to spice up the sexless marriage.
Make intimacy a priority
Having a good sex life takes time and effort, so if you want to rekindle the sexless marriage, you may need to free up some of your busy schedules.
Mark your diary with those weekly date nights and try doing some of the things you used to enjoy together when you were first dating. Take the time to share quiet moments, simply holding hands, looking into each other’s eyes, and talking about your feelings while you kiss and cuddle together.
Remember, there is a lot more to real intimacy than actual sex.
Can a sexless marriage be saved
Basically, there are two main scenarios which can result from following the steps described above:
You get help and get successful at rebuilding intimacy in marriage, slowly, but surely, and you no longer express your marriage as sexless
Your husband is not willing to acknowledge that there is a problem, or that there is anything to work on, and you continue to experience the frustration of a sexless marriage.
Wherever your particular sexless marriage situation lies on the continuum of these two outcomes, you will need to ask yourself whether there is sufficient progress being made to give you hope for a happier future.
Sex problems in relationships can be intimidating and make you feel low on your self-esteem.
If you cannot see any progress at all, then the question is whether you are willing to accept and resign yourself to a sexless marriage indefinitely, or whether you will decide to move on.
If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married.
Rachael Pace is a noted relationship writer associated with Marriage.com. She provides inspiration, support, and empowerment in the form of motivational articles and essays. Rachael enjoys studying the evolution of loving partnerships and is passionate about writing on them. She believes that everyone should make room for love in their lives and encourages couples to work on overcoming their challenges together.