Men commonly find themselves in an unexpected and bewildering situation when they get married. And we’re not talking about becoming emotionally and financially responsible for one (or several, when kids come) more soul. We’re also not thinking about all the more or less expected changes, such as having to share all your life plans with another person, signing for a mortgage for a house you would otherwise never buy but will be paying for for half of your life, or all the perks of being married, such as never thinking about your laundry or your meals again. No, what many men find comes as a shock once they get hitched is that their sex life changes dramatically. Their once sexual-dynamo-girlfriends and fiancées become disinterested wives and mothers. For a lucky few, this never happens.
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For some, dry spell comes after many years of pretty much the same sex life as they had before the marriage, with small adjustments due to the new kind of life they’re now leading. And, for some, their sex life becomes unsatisfactory soon after they hear the wedding bells. Although many women complain about the same issue, this article will offer a few advice for men who feel that they need to deal with their sexless marriages somehow. So, what can a man do about his ordeal?
1. Break the myths about sex in marriage
It’s difficult enough that you have to live in a marriage that misses an essential aspect, so don’t put an additional burden of believing in myths about sexual lives of married people onto your shoulders as well. The vast majority, if not all, married couples have less (or less enjoyable) sex compared to their dating days. Sexless marriage does not necessarily mean that partners never have sex – usually, having less than ten intercourses a year is considered a sexless marriage in therapeutic practice. But, the main factor is the couple’s satisfaction with the frequency of intercourse – for some, this may not be a problem, and for some even twice as much is still too little. Sexless marriage is not unavoidably linked to extramarital affairs, even though sometimes it can result in a shift of a man’s attention to other women. It is not a consequence of the wife being frigid. It is not a signal of love being gone. In essence, such situation is a result of many different causes and their interaction. Which sets the stage for the second advice for men in sexless marriage.
2. Get to the bottom of the problem
But do it gently and with care and compassion. It is easy to get frustrated by the tension around sex in your marriage and by the sheer fact that you’re not satisfied in that area, but the additional pressure of lashing out or blaming your wife would be like pouring wet cement on it – you’d never move on any further again. So, talk to your wife, and try to both express your feelings, and have empathy for her. Give her space to say whatever she thinks and not to fear that it would hurt you or make you angry.
3. Decide what you need to do
Let’s not ignore the pink elephant in the room – the ideas about an affair or a divorce most probably came to your mind at one point or the other. And this is only natural. Regardless of any other aspect of your marriage, not having sex with your wife will put those ideas to your head. And this is where you need to address them with cold rationality and in a situation when you can consider everything, both positives and negatives. Because if you avoid this unpleasant talk with yourself, you might find yourself tempted to succumb to a temptation of a beautiful stranger, or slamming the front door in rage and with “divorce” on your lips. And you might regret these actions you took in affect. But that is what you should make a decision on now, before you made moves that are hard to mend. Is not having sex a deal breaker for you? Is there something you still might do about it? Did you consider every option? How are the other aspects of your marriage? What are the reasons to stay? Did you try therapy? Ask yourself all these questions, talk to your wife (she is, in the end, the person you decided to share your most intimate fears and doubts with), and remember – not having sex right now does not mean you’re doomed. The solutions are out there.