Funny marriage advice quotes, tips, and funny advice for the groom or the bride on her wedding day are guaranteed to get your wedding guests giggling and help the wedding couple ease some pressure off them amidst all the wedding rigmarole.
Marriage advice tends to be serious.
Spending and building a life with someone should be taken seriously, but there is a lighthearted and very humorous side to marriage, like all things in life. It will bring light-heartedness and zest to the moment, whether it is funny marriage advice for newlyweds, sayings about marriage, relationship quotes, or funny marriage jokes.
Funny marriage advice for newlyweds
The newlywed stage is one of the best. Newlyweds haven’t had time to grow tired of each other.
They still bother to look good for one another, and their quirks are still “cute.” All kidding aside, here are some helpful and funny marriage advice for newlyweds:
1. Start a bean jar
Maybe you’ve heard of this funny advice for newlyweds.
For the first year, you are married, put a bean in the jar every time you have sex.
Then starting the day of your first anniversary, take a bean out of the jar every time you have sex. See how long it takes to get rid of the beans.
You have two choices: look the other way or pick them up. There is no third option.
Yes, you’ll feel like nagging, but don’t. Not worth it.
Your spouse has been dropping their socks for years, and even being married to you won’t change that. Better yet, place a mini hamper right where they drop their socks. Problem solved!
7. Buy your tube
To keep the marriage secure, each person should buy a tube of toothpaste. This is funny marriage advice for newlyweds, but very effective.
But, this way, you won’t have to ever fight about the “right” way to squish the paste out, who lost the lid, or whatever.
Seriously, get your own tube!
8. Birthday presents
Don’t buy your partner appliances, even if they ask for them. Save those for just a random day of the week. You can also get those things as gifts you know they crave but may never, ever use (hint: power tools).
This is another vital piece of marriage advice, funny or not, that can be instrumental in keeping the spark in your marriage alive.
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.”- Sigmund Freud
You need to make sure that you are only doing it to get her attention, or else it will backfire, and the joke will be on you.
25. Consider marriage as a win-win process
“By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.” – Socrates.
The quote above clearly states that you will get all the good things out of a marriage, and as funny as it sounds, it stands out to be true in most cases.
26. Let her cry
We are not suggesting that you leave her high and dry in emotions but let her cry sometimes. She needs to, and it helps.
Watch this video to understand how crying sometimes makes you feel better:
27. Express love without sex
It’s a hard one. It’s not funny, but it will be hilariously awkward if you won’t express your love other than having sex. Find ways to say “I love you” that don’t involve sex.
28. You are allowed only one marriage
“Every man wants a beautiful, understanding, economic wife and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife” – This advice suggests that we cannot expect one woman to have it all. But men should learn to love their wives and realize how unique and wonderful they are.
29. If she says what, change your sentence
“When a woman says “What?”, it’s not because she didn’t hear you, she’s giving you a chance to change what you said.”
Again, women seem to need to prove that they’re right a bit more than men do, or so it appears from a man’s perspective. And the quickest path, but not necessarily the right one, is to surrender. Yet, a better idea is assertive and respectful communication of differences.
30. The wife is always right
“Two things are necessary to keep a wife happy. First, let her think she has her way. And second, let her have it.”
Women tend to get fixated on a thing if they believe they’re right, and this advice reveals to men that the easy path out is to yield.
Funny advice for married couples
These pieces of funny wedding advice will make you both giggle and give you some wisdom to tread the path of marriage more carefully.
31. Don’t go to bed angry. Stay up and fight all night!
It’s funny wedding advice for the couple who just got married, yet it has a meaningful side.
A couple should not sleep right after a fight. It’s better to fight the anger and conflicts away rather than let them pile up in your heart by not communicating.
This is an awesome piece of advice as it sounds absurd yet holds so much significance if looked upon deeply. It will help put things in an honest perspective when the first post-marriage argument pops up.
When not married, couples seldom have the experience of living with each other. When they get married, they almost always have a gross conversation over who left the toilet dirty.
It’s going to be disgusting but believe it or not, it is normal. Sometimes, it’s going to be him who forgot to flush before leaving, and at other times it’s going to be her who forgot to drain it in a hurry to cook food!
35. Women, do not make a fuss if he doesn’t cry
He just finds it hard to show that emotion. Women want their men to cry for them (like in movies). Few men do! But if he doesn’t, don’t think of it as something abnormal.
So here’s the funny wedding advice for the couple that believes in each other’s love even if the other doesn’t show it as good as the movie star you have been crushing on lately!
36. Don’t feel disgusted if he burps because he will
He will do that a lot! So be prepared for a lot of burping as soon as you get married. And for guys, don’t find it weird if she is obsessed with her nail paints and skincare products. That’s just how women are!
Moreover, the more you eat, the less you’ll be able to talk. It might sound like just another funny wedding advice for the couple, but just do it and see the magic!
38. Challenge your spouse
This, I believe, is the funniest wedding advice for the couple, which will come in handy a lot of times! If you want something done by your spouse, challenge them by saying that the particular task is beyond their skills.
This is one way of triggering an individual’s ego, and even though not wholeheartedly, they will get the task done. And that is what you wanted in the first place. Isn’t it?
Are you looking for funny marriage advice for newlyweds or funny tips for newlyweds?
Well, you are just in the right place!
41. Take a marriage test
You haven’t been through enough as a couple unless you’ve had to take care of each other being sick or going on a long, hot, dirty road trip.
Or, as Will Ferrell says, make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they are.”
So, try taking this marriage test as a part of some crucial piece of marital advice for newlyweds. Fingers crossed!
42. The dishwasher rule
Whoever is doing the dishes proclaims that their way of loading the dishwasher is the right way.
Want your way to be the right way?
Isn’t this advice for newly married couples funny? Well, your spouse will tell you better!
43. Find out their favorite flavor
Then, buy chapstick in that flavor. Wear it every day. This advice to newlyweds is funny, but moreover, it is playful.
44. Get a king-sized bed
The tussle over the blanket is an old one. So, funny or not, another piece of advice for newly married couples is to get a very, very large blanket.
Or, if your spouse is a blanket hog, get another blanket.
45. Love may be blind, but marriage is not
“Love is blind. But marriage restores its sight.” – Although this advice was meant to be a bit gloomy, it also has its other side, which is the fact that in marriage, we get to know another person so closely that we understand their flaws and, ideally, come to love them.
46. Never check each other’s mail
Just don’t. Of course, because it’s a federal offense, you can always hold it up to the light.
You might say that this isn’t funny marriage advice for newlyweds. Well, we too agree, but couldn’t resist mentioning it.
47. How to make honey-do list
Write out the list of things you want your husband to do, then rip it up. Then, hire a professional.
Without a doubt, this funny marriage advice for newlyweds has left you rolling with laughter!
48. Have secret lives
Well, not actually “secret.” Just have lives away from each other.
Have that guy’s night, and have that girl’s night. Have a slight separation regularly and develop yourself on your own—maybe take a class or go on a trip apart.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, or something like that. Again, this isn’t funny marriage advice for newlyweds, but an indispensable one. Don’t do away with this advice at any cost.
49. Be super flirty
Don’t let the flirtiness die after marriage.
When your spouse is un-showered and sitting around in sweats, tell them how hot they are and ask them out on a date.
This advice to newlyweds, funny or not, will bring a coy smile to your spouse’s face.
These funny marriage tips must have left you feeling exuberated. Don’t just laugh these away; instead, use this list of funny marriage advice for newlyweds cleverly to spice up your relationship.
50. Pack up and stash away your romance novels
These hilarious words of advice for married couples concern the bride. Now that you are (finally) married, it’s time to pack up your romance novels and enter the real world of smelly socks, different degrees of gross behavior, and untidiness.
The above-mentioned funny marriage advice should’ve taught you something, the secret to a happy marriage isn’t in material things.
Couples who have the best of everything are not the most successful. Instead, it’s the couples who try to make the best of everything and work to be content with what they have, with having each other being the most important thing!
If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married.
Sylvia Smith loves to share insights on how couples can revitalize their love lives in and out of the bedroom. As a writer at Marriage.com, she is a big believer in living consciously and encourages couples to adopt this principle in their lives too. Sylvia believes that every couple can transform their relationship into a happier, healthier one by taking purposeful and wholehearted action.