One of the hardest things in the world is to keep having mind-blowing sex when you are married. And here’s a depressing fact: one in six marriages are absolutely sexless. In today’s interconnected culture, many couples, unfortunately, resign to a passionless co-existence.
But don’t fret: this does not have to be the fate you settle upon. While it’s hard to have sex with the same person for a decade and still feel the thrill of novelty, you can actually learn to make love in a much deeper way to feel more fulfilled than ever before.
Having sex with the same person year after year and continuing to explore new bounds of ecstasy requires a know-how. It’s not going to happen automatically. You must make a few significant shifts in how you relate to your partner. When you do, you will find the sex can be as hot as—and sometimes even hotter than—your first time.
Here are three basic ways to bring sexy back to a sexless marriage:
1. Meet them for the first time, every time
Familiarity is the killer of passion. This is why one-night stands carry so much sexual charge. When you don’t know anything about the person, sex is an exciting discovery. When you’re having sex with the same person, monotony can set in. The mystery can wane.
To counteract this natural side effect of marriage, do the opposite. Whenever you want to relate to your partner intimately, stand before them as if you have never met and have no history. Notice something new about them you never noticed before. See and kiss them for the first time.
Typically, it’s the way we think we know someone that makes them boring. Step outside of your assumptions, and you’ll be surprised. And surprise creates discovery.
2. Stop drowning in the mundane
The mundane details of life destroy passion. When you are married and running a household together, the mundane details stack up big time. Your entire relationship can become a discussion on who takes out the trash, whether the kids did their homework when to call the roofer and whether Aunt Susie is hosting Christmas.
Don’t let the endless details of life take over your relationship. Learn to have strong boundaries around these kinds of influences the intimate time you spend with your mate feels steamy and exciting.
Try going on a date night one night a week where the mundane is off limits. Set a rule that you are not allowed to talk about the “business” of your life. You are only allowed to talk about your dreams, desires, and delights. It may feel awkward at first. You may sit in silence feeling as if you have nothing to say. This is simply a function of breaking a pattern. It is good. You are being forced to find new ground for relating. Stay there until something new bubbles into your dynamic—that’s called passion and originality.
3. Table subtle resentments
Being together for years and years, it’s only natural for hurts to accumulate—even subtle ones. These can put you on the defensive, tighten your body, limit sensation and over time, completely destroy natural desire. To feel that “rip-off-your-clothes passion,” stop holding grudges. So how do you to allow yourself to feel so much when feeling hurts?
That’s the essential “pose” of what we call “The Yoga of Intimacy,” and it will change your relationship forever. The key to the pose is to keep your body open to your partner, no matter what.
Keep breathing, maintain eye contact, soften the front surface of the body, relax your heart and let your emotions move freely. Open your body to your partner, no matter how intense your fear of betrayal may be. When you go from closing down to opening up to vulnerability, you eliminate the toxic energy. The past becomes irrelevant and the present moment becomes new again. This is the absolute key to staying attracted to your partner.
With these three major relationship shifts, you will go against the natural dynamic of marriage. Instead of settling into familiarity, you are exploring the mystery. You create interesting dates to drown out mundane details. Rather than letting resentment build a wall between the two of you, you stay fresh in every moment.
It takes work, no doubt. It will feel as though you are like a fish swimming upstream. However, when you become adept at these skills, the payoffs are so great that you would not trade them for anything. Using these practices, couples discover that sex is not only hot again, but it’s hotter than it could ever be with a new partner. The bond of sharing a life together creates a trust. Combine that trust with the re-ignition of passion and you have that everlasting love that romance novels are made of.