Many married couples are surprised when they learn that hot sex is not something that comes naturally when a couple is married. After all, films and television series show us a constant stream of sexual images, where the husband and wife fall into bed, instantly begin top-notch lovemaking, satisfying each other at the exact same moment (in five minutes, tops), and then cuddle and whisper soft words of love long into the night.
The reality is different
Good sexual intimacy is not innate and we need to let go of the idea that “everyone else is doing it better than we are.” Instant compatibility and closeness are unrealistic; these take time to build between two people. What are some ways that we can make married sex more enjoyable?
1. Start with working on your emotional intimacy
Here’s a life truth: great sex is composed of two elements: emotional AND sexual closeness. If there is only one of those present, the sex is not going to take you to paradise, nor even be that memorable.
What do we mean by emotional intimacy? Emotional intimacy is the feeling of truly knowing your spouse: all his fears, vulnerabilities, passions, fierceness, past hurts and present joys. It is the feeling that your spouse is your safe shelter for when life throws you a curve ball or two. It is the feeling that when you are with your partner, you are “home.”
How can we deepen our emotional connection to our spouse so that the sex is better?
There are many ways to increase the emotional bond you have with your partner. Start with talking to each other in a meaningful way at least once a day. This means a good, heartfelt conversation with no distractions: no phone, no pc, no television or tablet in one hand while you half-heartedly listen to your husband while glancing at the screen. That is not an ideal way to connect with him and does nothing to promote emotional intimacy.
In addition to truly dialoguing with your husband, emotional intimacy can be reinforced by spending time together doing something that both of you are excited to learn. This can be a new sport, or an adult education class, or something restorative like a couple’s massage or yoga. Challenging your mind and body in an activity that involves both of you will naturally build up your stock of emotional intimacy.
2. Work on your sexual intimacy
So your emotional closeness is growing each day. Let’s take that and start focusing on getting more joy out of your sex life.
3. Feel confident and at ease in your body
Embrace your body, where it is right now, and recognize how it carries you faithfully each day. Remind yourself that your husband loves your body and finds it exciting. So should you! If you are still working on the self-love, and have a small bit of shame when you look in the mirror and see that you are carrying some extra weight, or don’t like your thighs or stomach, don’t worry!
Many women know the secret to both exciting their husband, and covering up what is preventing them from feeling free in bed: lingerie. If you are concerned about your tummy, put on a nice camisole. Thighs a bit jiggly? How about some stockings and a garter belt? You will feel pretty; your husband will think you are hotter than ever. All of this will allow you to express yourself and your desires freely in the bedroom, increasing your sexual satisfaction.
4. Don’t know how to begin? Visit a sex therapist
If you have questions about the what’s and why’s of sexual bliss, start with a sex therapist. Don’t wait until you and your husband build up a level of frustration due to ignorance about orgasms or erogenous zones. A few sessions with a sex therapist can be extremely informative and open you up to exploring all your sensuality with no shame or hesitation.
If you can’t find a sex therapist, there are plenty of books and websites that can be helpful. Take your time reading through all the offerings and note what sounds attractive to you. Share this with your husband and ask him what sounds good to him, too.
Be open to formerly taboo ideas, such as sex toys and masturbation. Self-pleasuring is a great way to learn what you like, at what rhythm and intensity. You can even involve your husband in this act. (He will love it, trust us!). Sex toys can also be of great aid in helping you enjoy sex as they can provide a level of stimulation that you may not have experienced previously, helping you reach orgasm more easily. Remember: there is no shame in this, and all practices that are consensual and pleasure-giving are good practices!
5. For great sex, don’t carry anger into the bedroom
It is difficult, if not impossible, to really enjoy sex with your husband if you are harboring anger or resentment towards him. Those two emotions can be a death knell to your sex life. So if there are issues you are holding in, have a frank discussion with your husband. Work on resolving those issues so that you and he can fully participate in lovemaking without any hidden resentment.
Enjoyable lovemaking involves a certain amount of letting go, and you want to be able to do so completely and willingly. If you go to bed secretly mad because he forgot to take the recycling to the curb again, address that in a gentle way so that you can then concentrate on more enjoyable things like sex!