Let’s face it, after six months, six years or 25 years most couples move away from an exciting intimate relationship to one of boredom. Inadequacy. Frustration.
Here are four top keys to help you add that spice and excitement back into your sex life that may have been missing for many months at the least, and many years at the worst.
1. Asking questions
When was the last time you asked your partner what they desire regarding your intimate experiences? When was the last time you sent them a text or an email especially, which are much more effective than talking in person, and asked them what they would like to do differently in regards to intimacy? In regards to sex?
It amazes me when I work with couples that are very bored with their sex life, how many of them have stopped asking the most important questions that I just listed above.
And why is that? Well number one, there’s resentment. Resentments get in the way of intimacy every time. Most couples, when I ask them to share their most intimate thoughts, shut down immediately. It’s not shame. It’s not guilt. They don’t want to talk in front of their partner about intimacy, and what they desire because they’re too pissed off over things they’ve never taken care of.
So if you are one of those people, if you fall into the category that you don’t even care about sex anymore because you’ve got too many resentments, you need to work with a counselor, minister or life coach to get rid of the resentments first. Step one. If you don’t do this? Nothing, and I mean nothing will ever change.
2. Send a message
Now assuming that you’ve already done the work and you have minimal if any resentments, let’s go back to what I stated above. Send an email, or text to your partner today, not tomorrow, not Sunday, but today and ask them what is missing for them in their sex life with you. Let’s see if they will risk being open and vulnerable and give you a key to what they desire to make your intimate life more exciting.
On your own, I want you to send an email or text to your partner telling them what you love about your intimate life. Is it the way they kiss? Is it how they hold your hand? Or how they hug you as you leave for work?
Starting your communication like this is incredibly important. This type of email or text opens the door for the next part of this equation.
Then after you’ve told them what you enjoy about your intimate experience, slowly start explaining what it is that you would like to do in addition to what they already do well.
And be specific. Don’t leave them guessing. Don’t say things like “I’d like to be more intimate with you”, that means nothing.
You’re going to have to risk to get something big in life. So you might say to them ” I’d love to be more intimate with you, which means going back to when we first got together and made love three times per week.” Now you have sent something they can wrap their heads around when you actually sit down to talk about increasing the spice in your intimate life.
3. Next is the big conversation
After you’ve exchanged emails and text, which is a safe way to begin adding spice to your intimate life, now we have to sit down and actually face each other to discuss what direction the relationship needs to go in.
This should always be done outside of the bedroom. Not during sex, not just after sex because we are all way too vulnerable in that period of time.
Tell them you’d like to go for a walk to talk about enhancing your intimate life. Or sit in the kitchen with a cup of coffee and just casually discuss where you’d like to go. Before you have this conversation, ask them to be open-minded, please not to shut you down, that if they don’t agree with something you say they can simply say that doesn’t feel right, instead of making fun of you or completely shutting down to any recommendations you might have.
I found with many couples this part of the conversation can be greatly enhanced by working with a professional. Recently, I had a chance to help a couple in California over Skype that was having extreme intimate issues. They were both bored. But they were both filled with resentment. Once we cleared the resentments out-of-the-way, and we had them both on Skype for their session, they were very open to answering the questions I gave them. This also took some of the embarrassment away from either of them having to be the leader in the conversation.
4. Take control of the intimate experience
Have you ever told your partner that you were going to take control of the intimate experience you wanted to share with them this evening? Have you ever sent them a text saying “when you get home tonight, I want you to close your eyes and simply walk into the bedroom? I will hold your hand so you won’t walk into any walls, but I’m really excited about what I have planned for you.
In the bedroom already set up you have candles, maybe silk or satin sheets, and soft music playing in the background.
Now there are some couples that will look at the above four steps and say that they are elementary in regards to adding spice to their relationships. But there’s no judgment here. If the above is mild, go wild in your own way.
But if you need to start somewhere, if you’re bored and know that you need help to re-create a more exciting intimate life, the above four steps will get you going.
I think the key is to realize you need help and ask for it. There are thousands of counselors and therapists like myself all around the world who are more than happy to help you reclaim the intimate excitement you had when you began your dating and or marriage experience. Don’t wait. Today is the day to grab your partner by the hand and the heart… And lead them to A path of deeper intimacy and connection.”
Want to have a happier, healthier marriage?
If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married.
More by David Essel