There is no normal regarding the frequency of sex in marriage. While some couples have lovemaking sessions every day, others have dwindled good sex lives.
If you struggle with your sex life, this statement probably won’t make you feel any better. Please remember that you can improve your sex life. Read along, and you might find a way to improve your sex life.
Importance of sex
A study conducted in 2017 suggests that the average American in the 20s has sex 80 times a year, which means 6 times a month and once or twice a week. It doesn’t seem like a lot? Or does it?
Also, is the frequency the same for sex after marriage or unmarried couples? There is no absolute answer to how often married couples have sex; however, sex is an integral part of married life.
How often do married couples have sex?
You are likely looking for a reference point to draw parallels with to determine the state of your sex life. Here are a few exciting findings on how often do married couples have sex.
Newsweek magazine found in its poll that married couples have sex about 68.5 times a year, or a little more than on average. The magazine also found out that as compared to unmarried people, married couples have 6.9 times more sex per year.
Another source suggests that married couples under 30 have sex around 112q times a year.
Results from Playboy’s 2019 sex survey suggest that most married couples value sex and report higher relationship satisfaction when having an exclusive sexual relationship with their spouse.
In another study by David Schnarch, Ph.D., who studied more than 20,000 couples, 26% of couples have sex once a week, more likely once or twice a month.
Then there was another study conducted in 2017 found a strong connection between sex, well-being, affection, and positive mood.
Another 2019 study showed a connection between sexual communication and sexual satisfaction and fewer faked orgasms by women.
How often do married couples have sex, according to their age
The study was conducted on over 8,000 people, out of which 31% of people have sex a few times a week, 28% have sex a few times a month, and 8% of couples have sex only once a month. 33% of couples out of these people said that almost never have sex.
A psychologist and AASECT-certified sex therapist, Lauren Fogel Mersy, PsyD, says that as we age, sexual desires change, and they can undoubtedly decline. People might take more time to arouse and orgasm, their desire can decrease, frequency of sex can lower as the relationship matures, he added.
While so many studies support that sex life declines with age, there is no definite number of married couples having sex. It might be common for older people to lose interest in sex, but it does not apply to everyone.
The average number of times per week married couples make love
A survey conducted on 660 married couples in 2018 by the General Society Survey states that 25% of couples had sex once a week, 16% had 2-3 times a week, 5% had more than four times a week.
Out of these couples, 17% had sex once a month, 19% had 2-3 times a month. 10% of couples said they did not have sex at all in the previous year, and 7% had sex only once or twice in the year.
Is your sex drive normal or out of whack?
Believe it or not, sex is the bond that keeps couples together, besides the only reason why life exists on earth. But, Amy Levine, sex coach and founder of igniteyourpleasure.com, states that “a healthy sex drive is different for each person.”
Consider this – Do you have a higher libido than your partner? Or are you frustrated by repeated rejections of your sexual advances?
Let’s see – Do you have a higher libido than your partner? Or are you frustrated by repeated rejections of your sexual advances?
If the answer to one or both the questions is yes, you must have wondered whether you have a higher sex drive than others or whether your partner lacks a lack of libido.
If you have a comparatively lower sex drive, you must be surrounded by similar questions.
All these talks about sex in marriage boil down to just two questions-
How often do married couples have sex, typically?
Is it significantly different from the number of times you have sex with your partner?
If yes is the answer to the last question, then who is the one with an excessive or deficient sex drive?
However, Ian Kerner, Ph.D., always maintains that there’s no one correct answer when confronted with how often do couples have sex.
Watch this video to learn how to have sex frequently:
Couples have different sex drives
As you may have noticed from the significant variance of these statistics that corroborate how often married couples have sex, it’s easy to see that there is no “normal.” In many studies, researchers and therapists said it depends on the couple.
Each person’s sex drive is different, each couple’s marriage is different, and their daily lives are different. Since so many factors are at play, it’s tough to know what is “normal.”
Sex after marriage is dependent on a lot of variables, so it’s better to ask questions like:
What is normal for you and your spouse?
What would each of you like your “normal” to be?
If both of you are happy once a week, or once a month, it doesn’t matter what other couples do. But if one or both of you aren’t happy, perhaps you can negotiate a new normal.
In most couples, one person always wants sex more, and the other will want less sex.
Also, your sex drive will not be uniform and the same always.
Changes in life such as childbirth, death of a loved one, or moving away
There is practically no reason for you to get freaked out if your sex drive is dipping down for a while. There is probably a reasonable explanation for this.
It’s how you handle it which will make the difference.
How much sex is needed to be happy?
“Sex is not only the basis of life, it is the reason for life.” — Norman Lindsay.
How often should a married couple make love to avoid or overcome relationship detachment, infidelity, and resentment in marriage?
Happiness can be easily related to healthy sex life.
While it may seem that the more sex, the better it is, and there was a point where happiness leveled off. The study was published by the Society for Personality and Social Psychology and surveyed 30,000 couples in the U.S. for 40 years.
So how much sex in marriage should you have to level off with happiness?
Once a week, according to researchers. In general, more marriage sex does help increase happiness, but daily isn’t necessary. Anything above once a week didn’t show a significant rise in happiness.
Of course, don’t let that be an excuse not to have more sex; perhaps you and your spouse love doing it more or less often. The important thing is to communicate and figure out what works for you both.
Sex can be a great stress reliever, and it can bring you closer as a couple.
Guess what? There is a proper scientific explanation behind the above statement. Sex is responsible for increasing oxytocin, the so-called love hormone, to help us bond and build trust.
“Oxytocin allows us to feel the urge to nurture and to bond. Higher oxytocin has also been linked with a feeling of generosity.” –Patti Britton, PhD
Low libido and other common reasons for a sexless marriage
What if sex isn’t even on your mind? As much as there are statistics that substantiate the average number of times per week married couples make love, there is also a segment of couples who are in a sexless marriage.
Unfortunately, many people and sometimes even both people in the marriage either have no sex drive or something else is inhibiting them.
According to Newsweek magazine, 15-20 percent of couples are in a “sexless” marriage, equating to having sex less than 10 times per year.
Other polls show that about 2 percent of couples have zero sex. Of course, the reasons weren’t always stated—this could be due to a number of factors, of which low libido is just one.
A low sex drive can happen to both genders, though women report it more.
According to USA Today, 20 to 30 percent of men have little or no sex drive, and 30 to 50 percent of women say they have little or no sex drive.
Researchers say that the more sex you have, the more you feel like doing it.
Sex drive is an exciting thing. The average number of times per week married couples make a person’s libido level hugely determines love.
It seems some people are born with high or low libido, but many other factors can contribute to it.
How well your relationship is going can be a factor. Still, past sexual abuse, relationship conflict, infidelity, withholding of sex, and boredom can be other factors contributing to unhealthy sex life.
How to enhance sexual satisfaction in married life
If you wonder how much sex other people have, it could be because you aren’t where you want to be sex-wise in your marriage. It happens. We all go through ups and downs. Times of stress, like moving, a new baby, or illness, can all temporarily get in the way.
Also, couples tend to experience a steady decline in sex urge post-marriage than what they enjoyed before saying ‘I do.’
A survey conducted by Cosmopolitan.com revealed the drop in the frequency of sex is ubiquitous, irrespective of the age of spouses and duration of the marriage.
But if you and your partner have been on the downside for a while, and there doesn’t seem to be any significant reason, then talking to a sex therapist is a good option.
A good marriage therapist can help you both get to the root of why sex is an issue and offer help to bring you together again.
Beyond sex therapy, there are many great books about sex and marriage you and your spouse could read together to get ideas.
Also, if you are both onboard and want to reconnect, why not plan a weekend getaway to jump-start things?
7 tips for keeping your sex life healthy
Looking for more tips to reignite the passion in your married sex life? Here are some that might help you:
If both of you love sex when you have it, then great!
Many researchers suggest scheduling it in. It seems robotic, but once you get started, it’s anything but robotic and becomes instrumental in boosting satisfaction in married sex life.
Scheduling sex means it becomes a higher priority.
Scheduling sex is not unheard of. Newlywed couples often plan their sex before actually indulging in the act. Megan Fleming, Ph.D., and a New York City-based sex and relationship therapist encourage couples to schedule their intimate moments together.
However, the only problem with scheduling sex, as stated by Fleming, is “you don’t know how you’ll both feel at that time, and we can’t command ourselves to feel aroused,” but you can “create conditions that make sex more likely to happen.”
2. Stop negative feelings in a marriage
If your quality of sex is low, that could be why the quantity is low as well. In a marriage, sex is the tie that binds.
If you experience a dip in your sexual desire, analyze whether that is due to negative feelings about your marriage, spouse, or yourself.
Practicing positive affirmations about your partner, stopping unfair comparisons, releasing negative emotions by communicating openly and self-belief can help you stay positive in your marriage.
Whatever you discover about marriage, make sure you spend time doing something constructive about it, so you can enjoy the relationship benefits of having sex more often.
3. Look and feel attractive at home
There is no rule book on when and where to feel sexy, and you don’t need to be particularly good-looking, either. However, it is common to slip into a comfort zone in marriage and stop feeling or making an effort to look and feel sexy.
Loosen your hinges and slip into your inner sexiness by first focusing on what you like best about yourself. Channelize your energy into all the positive and favorite bits about yourself.
Get yourself a new haircut, overhaul your wardrobe, buy new make-up—do anything to kick start the routine, and get that extra dose of confidence. Change things up a bit and get noticed by your partner,
4. Preserve the mystery
As much as it sounds counter-intuitive, don’t reveal everything about yourself to your partner.
Surprise them by revealing your different facets, gradually. Similarly, you don’t need to know everything going on in your partner’s mind. Allow yourself to be surprised, wooed by different shades of their personality, fantasies, and desires.
5. Bring sexy back into your relationship
To shake up the things between the sheets, resume dating.
The anticipation of a date will trigger excitement between the two of you. While on a date, engage in kissing. Kissing is a great way to show that you desire your partner.
Caressing your partner’s cheeks and back or holding their hands while kissing can heat things for the two of you!
Nurture each other’s sexual sides by engaging in intimate conversations, where you learn about your partner’s love languages.
6. Stop playing the no-sex blame game with your spouse
Stop the blame game and take accountability for making things better. Also, remember that a good marriage therapist can also help you figure out how to improve things on all accounts, including thriving married sex life.
How married sex and satisfaction are related
It might be hard for you to know exactly how often should a married couple make love but, it is a no-brainer that emotional connection can make your married sexual life more satisfactory.
92% of people stated that they get turned on when their partner is vulnerable, and 90% believed that chances of better sex are higher if they have been together for a more extended period with their partner.
Sex is directly related to the emotional connection and respect in the relationship. A good relationship with no stress can boost your sex life and positively affect your married life.
Many statistics on married sex life out there seem to tell us what is a “normal” amount of sex for married couples or educate us on an average number of times per week married couples make love.
In all reality, there is no set definition of normal. However, keep in mind that marriage and sex are not mutually exclusive to relationship bliss.
Each couple is different, so it’s up to you to determine what is normal for you!
If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married.
Rachael Pace is a noted relationship writer associated with Marriage.com. She provides inspiration, support, and empowerment in the form of motivational articles and essays. Rachael enjoys studying the evolution of loving partnerships and is passionate about writing on them. She believes that everyone should make room for love in their lives and encourages couples to work on overcoming their challenges together.