75 Best Marriage Advice & Tips by Marriage Therapists

20. Be open to conflicts, ruptures and the repair that follows

Andrew Rose ,LPC, MA

People need to feel secure in their relationship to get the value of coupling. Security is built through rupture and repair.  Don’t shy from conflict. Make room for fear, grief, and anger, and reconnect and reassure each other after an emotional or logistical rupture.

21. Need a great spouse? Become one to your partner first
Clifton Brantley, M.A., LMFTA

Focus on BECOMING a great spouse instead of HAVING a great spouse. A successful marriage is about self-mastery. You becoming better (better at loving, forgiving, patience, communication) will make your marriage better. Make your marriage the priority means to make your spouse your priority.

29.  Ditch those rose-colored glasses! Learn to see your partner’s perspective
KERI ILISA SENDER-RECEIVER, LMSW, LSW

Get into your partner’s world as much as you can. We all live in our own bubble of reality that’s based on our past experiences and we wear rose-colored glasses that alter our perspectives. Instead of trying to get your partner to see and understand you and your perspective, do your best to see and understand theirs.

Inside of that generosity, you will be able to truly love and appreciate them. If you can mix this with an unconditional acceptance of what you find when you get inside of their world, you will have mastered the partnership.

30. Cut your partner some slack
Courtney Ellis ,LMHC

Give your partner the benefit of the doubt. Take them at their word and trust that they, too, are trying. What they say and feel is valid, just as much as what you say and feel is valid. Have faith in them, believe them at their word, and assume the best in them.

31. Learn to oscillate between elation and disappointment
SARA NUAHN, MSW, LICSW

Expect to be unhappy.  I know what you’re thinking, who says that!?  Not helpful advice for a married couple.  Or positive in any way.  But hear me out.  We get into relationships and marriage, thinking, expecting rather that it is going to make us happy and secure.

And in reality, that is not the case.  If you go into marriage, expecting it, the person or the environment to make you happy, then you better start planning to be irritated and resentful, unhappy, a lot of the time.

Expect to have times that are amazing, and times that are frustrating and aggravating.  Expect to not feel validated, or seen, heard, and noticed at times, and also expect that you will be placed on such a high pedestal your heart may not be able to handle it.

Expect that you will be in love just like the day you met, and also expect that you will have times you dislike each other a whole lot.  Expect that you will laugh and cry, and have the most amazing moments and joys, and also expect you will be sad and angry and scared.  

Expect that you are you, and they are them and that you connected, and married because this was your friend, your person, and the one that you felt you could conquer the world with.

Expect you will be unhappy, and that you are the only one to make yourself truly happy! It’s an inside-out process, all of the time.  It is your responsibility to ask for what you need, contribute your part to be able to feel all those expectations, positive and negative, and at the end of the day, still expect that person to kiss you goodnight.

32. Cultivate a habit to overlook the flaws and warts
Dr. Tari Mack ,Psy. D

I would advise a married couple to look for the good in each other. There will always be things about your partner that annoy you or disappointment you. What you focus on will shape your marriage. Focus on the positive qualities of your partner. This will increase happiness in your marriage.

33. Intersperse the seriousness of marriage business with fun and playfulness
RONALD B. COHEN, MD

Marriage is a journey, a constantly evolving relationship that requires listening, learning, adapting, and allowing influence. Marriage is work, but if it is not also fun and playfully, it is probably not worth the effort. The best marriage is not a problem to be solved but a mystery to be relished and embraced.

34. Invest in your marriage – Date nights, praises and finances
SANDRA WILLIAMS, LPC, NCC

Invest In Your Marriage Regularly: Come together and identify types of investments (i.e. date night, budget, appreciation) that matter to your marriage. Separately, list things that are important to each of you.

Next, talk through the investments you both believe are important for your marriage. Commit to doing what it takes to having marital wealth.

35. Negotiate what’s acceptable and what’s not
SHAVANA FINEBERG, PH.D.

Take a course together on Non-Violent Communication (Rosenberg) and use it. Try hard to also see all issues from your partner’s perspective. Eliminate “right” and “wrong” – negotiate what can work for each of you. If you react strongly, your past may be being triggered; be willing to examine that possibility with an experienced counselor.

Talk directly about the sexuality you share: appreciations and requests. Guard a date time in your calendars reserved for fun for just the two of you, minimum every two weeks.

36. Identify what ticks you off and equip yourself to disarm your triggers
JAIME SAIBIL, M.A

The best advice I would give to a married couple would be to know yourself.  What that means is to not only become significantly acquainted with your own triggers, blind spots, and hot buttons but also obtain the tools necessary to manage them so that they don’t get in your way. We all have ‘hot buttons’ or triggers that were developed early on in our lives.  

No one goes unscathed here. If you’re not aware of them, they will get hit on by your partner without even knowing it’s happened, which often times can lead to conflict and disconnection. If, however, you are aware of them and have learned to disarm them when triggered, you can prevent fifty-percent if not more of the conflicts you experience with your partner and spend more time focusing on attention, affection, appreciation, and connection.

37. Be nice, don’t bite each other’s heads off
Courtney Geter, LMFT, CST

Although it seems simple, my best advice to married couples is simply, “be nice to each other.” More times than not, couples who end up on my couch are nicer to me than they are the person they’re going home with.

Yes, after months or years of discord in the relationship, you might not like your spouse anymore. That “chip on the shoulder” could lead you to be passive aggressive whether it’s stopping for dinner on the way home and not bringing your spouse anything or leaving dirty dishes in the sink when you know that really annoys them.

At times, you don’t have to like your spouse but being nice to them will make working through conflict much easier and more pleasant for all involved. It also begins to show more respect toward them which is also very important in building and maintaining a marriage.

This also improves conflict resolution by removing passive-aggressive behaviors. When I meet a couple who are clearly not “playing nice” with each other, one of my first tasks for them to is “to be nice over the next week” and I ask them to choose one thing they could do differently to achieve this goal.

38. Make commitment. For a long, really long haul
Lynda Cameron Price , Ed.S, LPC, AADC

The best marriage advice that I would give any married couple is to understand what true commitment means. So very often we have difficulties committing to anything for a long period of time.

We change our minds just like we change our clothes. True commitment in marriage is loyalty even when no one is looking and choosing to love and stay the course regardless of how you feel at that moment.

39. Mirror your partner’s communication style to facilitate better understanding
GIOVANNI MACCARRONE, B.A

The number one marriage tip to have a passionate marriage is to communicate to them using THEIR communication style.  Do they take in information & communicate using their visual cues (seeing is believing), their audio (whisper in their ears), kinesthetic (touch them when talking to them) or other?  Once you learn their style, you can communicate perfectly to them and they will actually understand you!

40. Accept that your spouse is not your clone
Laurie Heller, LPC

Curiosity! The “honeymoon phase” always ends. We start noticing things about our spouse that BOTHER us. We think, or worse say, “You need to change!” INSTEAD, understand your beloved is DIFFERENT than you! Become compassionately curious about what makes them tick. This will nurture.

41. Keep secrets from your spouse and you are on the road to doom  
Dr. LaWanda N. Evans , LPC

My advice would be, to communicate about everything, don’t keep secrets, because secrets destroy marriages, never assume that your spouse automatically knows or understands what your needs are, how you’re feeling, or what you’re thinking, and never take each other for granted. These factors are very important to the success and longevity of your marriage.

42. Make expressing love to each other as a non-negotiable component of your marriage
KATIE LEMIEUX, LMFT

Make your relationship a priority!   Schedule a repeating time for your relationship every week, build on the quality of your friendship, invest in learning about relationships.

Apply what you have learned.  Most of us were never taught how to have a successful relationship.  It is important to learn how to communicate especially during conflict.  Remember the little things matter.

Take time to dream, express gratitude and love to each other.  Keep the spontaneity alive and be gentle with one another you both are doing the best you can.  

43. Honour and support each other’s dreams
Barbara Winter PH.D., PA

There are so many things to consider as it all depends on where the couple is in their development.

I would say that since today we are so focused on ‘happiness’, which is all about how we make meaning of our lives, that together they look at individual and/or shared dreams.”Purpose”, another buzz word of the decade, is about fulfillment, of not just each of us but of the couple-ship.

what do you want to create? what do you want to experience? Individual or Shared dreams-Anything goes: the important piece is to hear, honor and support them.

another major one is . . . to maintain connection we need to turns towards (aka-lean in) and listen, honor, acknowledge, validate, challenge, spar, touch . . . with our partner. we need to be heard; we cannot be dismissed.

This is particularly important today since we have, in some ways, less opportunity for real connection.

44. Introspect on how well you are faring at meeting your spouse’s expectations
Sarah Ramsay, LMFT

The advice I would give is: If something isn’t going well in the relationship, don’t blame and point the finger at your partner. As difficult as it is, to make a relationship work you must point the finger at yourself.

Ask yourself today, what am I doing to meet my partner’s needs? Focus on what you can do, not on what your partner is or isn’t doing.

45. Get to the basics – tap into your partner’s primal needs
Deidre A. Prewitt, MSMFC, LPC

My best marriage advice for any couple is to truly seek to understand the messages your spouse is sending to you. The best marriages are made of two people who know one another’s experiences and basic emotional needs; using that knowledge to understand the true messages behind their words.

Many couples struggle because they assume their own perception is the only way to see their relationship. This is the cause of most conflict as both partners fight assumptions to be truly heard by one another.

Learning, respecting, and loving one another’s unique view of the world and the marriage allows each partner to understand the messages behind the anger and hurt their partner displays in the darkest moments.

They can see through the anger to get to the heart of the issues and use the conflict to build a better relationship.

46. Don’t box your partner – be mindful of how your partner really is
Amira Posner , BSW, MSW, RSWw

The best advice I could give a married couple is to get present with yourself and your relationship.  Really present, like get to know him/her all over again.

Often times we run on autopilot in how we relate to ourselves, our experience and our interpersonal relationships. We tend to react from a certain position or a fixed way of seeing things.

We tend to put out partners in a box and this can instigate a breakdown in communication.

When we take the time to slow down and cultivate mindful awareness, we can choose to respond in a different way. We create the space to see and experience things differently.

47. All’s fair in love and war – that’s B.S
Liz Verna ,ATR, LCAT

Fight fair with your partner. Don’t take cheap shots, name call or otherwise forget that you are invested in the long-distance run. Keeping boundaries in place for tough moments are subconscious reminders that you will still wake up in the morning to face another day together.

48. Let go of what’s beyond your area of control
SAMANTHA BURNS, M.A., LMHC

Consciously choose to let go of what you can’t change about someone, and focus on what you love about him or her. A brain scan study of couples that are still passionately in love after twenty-one years on average of marriage showed these partners have the special ability to overlook the things that get under their skin, and hyper-focus on what they adore about their partner. The best way to do this is through the daily practice of gratitude, appreciating one thoughtful thing they did that day.

49. (In hindsight) Deafness, blindness, and Dementia are good for a happy marriage
DAVID O. SAENZ, PH.D., EDM, LLC

Statements from couples married 60+ years. How do we make it work so well after decades together:

•  One of us always has to be willing to love the other person just a little bit more
• Never allow or make your spouse feel alone
• You must be willing to be a little bit deaf…a little bit blind…and have a little dementia
• Marriage is relatively easy, it’s when one (or both) person goes stupid that it gets hard
• You can either be right all the time or you can be happy (i.e.be married), but you can’t be both

50. Drop that defense! Own your part in conflicts
Nancy Ryan, LMFT

Nancy Ryan

Remember to continue to be curious about your partner.  Seek to understand their perspective before you get defensive.  Own your part in misunderstandings, work hard to communicate your thoughts and feelings, dreams and interests, and find ways to connect in little ways daily. Remember you are love partners, not enemies.  Be a safe place emotionally and look for the good in each other.

51. Love thrives only when you nourish and nurture the relationship, consistently
Lola Sholagbade , M.A, R.P, C.C.C.

You can’t just do nothing and expect love to thrive. Much as you would keep the flames burning by adding logs to it in a fireplace, so it is within a marital relationship, you need to keep adding logs to the fire through relationship building activities, communication and meeting each other’s needs – whatever those may be.

52. Date your spouse like you are not married to them
DR. MARNI FEUERMAN, LCSW, LMFT

The best advice I would give is to continue to treat each other the way you did when you were dating. By that I mean, act very happy when you first see or talk to each other, and be kind. Some of these things can fall by the wayside when you have been with someone for a while.

Sometimes the way spouses treat each other would not have gotten a second date, let alone to the altar! Think about how you may be taking each other for granted or if you have been remiss in treating your spouse well in other ways.

53.  Wear your individuality badge – your partner is NOT responsible for your entire wellbeing
LEVANA SLABODNICK, LISW-S

My advice to couples is to know where you end and your partner begins. Yes, it is important to have a close connection, communicate and find time to have bonding experiences, but your individuality is just as important.

If you are dependent on your partner for entertainment, comfort, support, etc. it can create pressure and disappointment when they don’t meet all of your needs. It’s best to have friends, family, and other interests outside of your marriage so that your partner is not responsible for your entire well being.

54. Leverage each other’s strength and weakness to create a beautiful synergy
DR. KONSTANTIN LUKIN, PH.D.

Having a fulfilling relationship is like being good tango partners. It’s not necessarily who is the strongest dancer, but it is about how two partners use each other’s strengths and weaknesses for the fluidity and the beauty of the dance.

55. Be your partner’s best friend
LAURA GALINIS, LPC

If you had to give an advice to a married couple, what would that be?”

Invest in a strong friendship with your partner. While sex and physical intimacy are important in a marriage, marital satisfaction increases if both partners feel there is a strong friendship holding the marital foundation.

So make the same (if not more!) effort with your partner as you do with your friends.

56. Build a marital friendship for enhanced emotional and physical intimacy
STACI SCHNELL, M.S., C.S., LMFT

Be Friends!  Friendship is one of the characteristics of a happy and lasting marriage. Building and nurturing the marital friendship can strengthen a marriage because friendship in marriage is known to build emotional and physical intimacy.

Friendship helps married couples to feel safe enough to be more open with one another without worrying about being judged or feeling insecure. Couples that are friends look forward to spending time together, and genuinely like one another.

Their activities and interests actually become enhanced because they have their favorite person to share their life experiences with.  Having your spouse as your best friend can be one of the great benefits of marriage.

57. Be the person you want to be with
Dr. Jo Ann Atkins , DMin, CPC

All of us have an idea of the person we would love to be with.  We started as early as elementary school, having a “crush” on the teacher, or another student.

We observed our parents in the relationship with each other and other relatives.  We sensed what we were attracted to, blonde, tall, great smile, romantic, etc. We felt when we had “chemistry” with certain others. But what about that other list?  The deeper elements that make a relationship work.  

So…I ask, can you be the person you want to be with?  Can you be understanding? Can you listen without judging? Can you keep secrets? Can you be considerate and thoughtful? Can you love like the first time?

Can you be patient, gentle, and kind? Can you be trusted, loyal, and supportive?  Can you be forgiving, faithful (to God also), and wise? Can you be funny, sexy and excited? We often require more than we consciously give.

“Being the person, you want to be with” suddenly became much more than I imagined as I contemplated this dream.  It caused me to take unending glances into the mirror of my selfishness.

I became more mindful of myself, after all I’m the only person I can change.  Mindfulness in marriage does not imply becoming numb or detached from emotions.  

58. Keep learning how to be a best friend to your partner
CARALEE FREDERIC, LCSW, CGT, SRT

There are a few things that rise to the top: “At one point, you married one another because you couldn’t imagine living life without this person in it. Nurture the habit of looking for the positives in one another every day.

Say it. Write it down. Show them how lucky/blessed you are to have them in your life.

It really is true that good marriages are built on the foundation of a good friendship – and now there are scads of research to prove it. Learn how to be a really good friend. Keep learning how to be a best friend to your partner.

We all change over time, and there are some parts that stay the same. Pay attention to both.

Finally, all the skills in the world won’t do you any good unless you’ve decided to accept the influence of your partner – to let them affect how you think, feel, and act – and you include their well being and happiness in the actions you take and the decisions you make.

59. Protect your Relationship – turn the auto-pilot mode off
Sharon Pope ,Life Coach and Author

The relationship that exists between you and your spouse exists nowhere else on this planet. It is yours and yours alone. When you share details of your relationship with family, friends, or coworkers, you’re inviting other people into space where they don’t belong and that dishonors the relationship.

I can’t think of a single living thing on this planet that thrives with no attention or nurturing, and the same holds true in our marriages. We cannot put it on auto-pilot, pouring our love, energy, and attention into kids, work, or everything else that needs attention and expect that the relationship will magically grow and thrive on its own.

60. Weather the storms of life together with patience
RENNET WONG-GATES, MSW, RSW, RP

When adults make a decision to partner with each other they relate through their formed identities.

Beneath the surfaces are each person’s unmet needs and unresolved issues along with their imagination for possibilities. To weather life together we also need patience, self-examination, forgiveness, and the courage of vulnerability to stay emotionally and physically connected.

61. Extend the olive branch
MOSHE RATSON, MBA, MS MFT, LMFT

No relationship is free of misunderstanding arguments, disappointments and frustration. When you keep score or wait for an apology, the relationship goes south. Be proactive, break the negative cycle, and repair what went wrong.

Then extend the olive branch, make peace and move beyond the past toward a brighter future.

62. Get a life! (Read – a constructive hobby)
Stephanie Robson MSW,RSW

We often feel that relationships require us to give a lot of time and energy, which is true. Marriage requires consistent effort and attention if it is to be successful.

When building a relationship and then possibly a family, couples can become so immersed in this process, they lose themselves. While it is essential to be aligned with your partner, it is also important to have your own interests and develop as an individual as well.

Participating in an activity that does not include your partner, I.e. learning a musical instrument, joining a book club, taking a photography class, whatever it may be, gives you an opportunity to develop you.

This can be a great way to recharge and feel a renewed sense of energy as well as a sense of accomplishment that will compliment a healthy relationship.

63. Schedule a relationship check in to discuss and overcome fears and doubts
Dr. Jerren Weekes-Kanu ,Ph.D, MA

I would advise married couples to spend time routinely discussing relevant fears, doubts, or insecurities that they experience related to their relationship. Unresolved fears and doubts can have an erosive effect on marriage.

For example, one partner fearing that he/she is no longer desired by their spouse is enough to shift their behavior and the relationship dynamics in ways that decrease marital satisfaction (e.g., increased hostility, pulling away during intimacy, withdrawing, or creating physical and/or emotional distance in other ways).

Don’t let unspoken fears sabotage your marriage; regularly discuss them in a warm, open-minded, and validating conversational environment.

64. Plan and create a meaningful life together
Caroline Steelberg, Psy.D., LLC

Give thought to your marriage. Determine what you and your spouse need and want from marriage, now and in the future. Schedule a regular time to share, listen and discuss how to make it happen. Create a meaningful life together!  

65. Ask yourself if you got your partner’s back
Lindsay Goodlin , Lcsw

The best piece of advice that I recommend for couples is to always play on the same team. Playing on the same team means always having each other’s backs, working towards the same goals, and sometimes it means carrying your team member when they need support. We all know there is no “I” in a team, and marriage is no exception.

66. How you communicate is just as important as what you communicate – cultivate the art
ANGELA FICKEN, LICSW

Find a way to communicate effectively. By that I mean, how will the two of you express emotions like hurt, anger, frustration, appreciation,and love in a way that both of you can feel heard and understood?

Effective communication is an art form and each couple can be different in how they navigate it. Learning effective communication can take a lot of time, practice, and patience- and it can be done! Good communication is a major ingredient to happy healthy relationships.

67. Treat your partner the way you would like to be treated
EVA SADOWSKI RPC, MFA

Treat your partner the way you would like to be treated. If you want respect – give respect; if you want love – give love; if you want to be trusted – trust them; if you want kindness – be kind. Be the kind of a person you want your partner to be.

68. Harness your inner strength to respond in a better fashion with your spouse
Dr. Lyz DeBoer Kreider, Ph.D.

Reassess wherein your power lies.  You do not have the power or the magic, it might take to change your spouse.  Use your power to change the way you respond to your spouse.

Too often partners react in a manner that creates distance – both physical and emotional.  Pause, breathe, and reflect on the goal of connection.  Choose a response that aligns with your goal.

69.  Get real (Chuck those romantic comedies ideas about a relationship)
KIMBERLY VANBUREN, MA, LMFT, LPC-S

Many individuals begin relationships with unrealistic expectations about what a relationship looks like. It is often fueled by romantic comedies and what the individual perceives as “romantic” or “loving” or “happy”.

Chances are if you are convinced that the latest movie starring (insert your favorite Actor here) is the way a relationship is supposed to look and your life does not resemble the movie, you are likely to be disappointed.

Often when we are in the dating phases of the relationship, we overlook aspects of the individual that we do not like. We do this because we believe that once we are in a committed relationship, we can change or modify the things that we do not like.

The truth is, committed relationships will highlight all aspects of your partner. The ones you like and especially the ones that you do not like. The things you do not like will not disappear once a commitment is made.

My advice is simple. Be clear and be honest about what you want in a relationship and be and be accepting about what you have in a relationship, at this time. Not what you think it could turn into or what would happen if this or that would change.

If you are counting on something to change in your partner in order for you to be happy in the relationship, you are setting yourself up for failure. Accept who you partner is and understand that they are more than likely not going to have a significant change in their characteristics.

If you can be happy with who that person is right now, then you are more likely to be content with your relationship.

70. Boost your partner’s morale – be more appreciative and less critical of them
SAMARA SEROTKIN, PSY.D

Express appreciation to each other. Even if you have to dig to find something you appreciate about them, seek it and speak it. Marriage is hard work, and we all could use a boost now and then – especially from the person we see the most.

Be aware of your thoughts. Most of us spend a lot of time thinking about things – especially our partners. If you find yourself complaining to yourself about them, pause and find a way to constructively address the issue with them. Don’t let it fester and become toxic.

71. Focus on feelings instead of absolutes for a more productive conversation
Maureen Gaffney , Lcsw

“I never lie, but he does, so how can I ever trust him again?” Very few things in life are always or never and yet these are words we go to easily during an argument. When you find yourself using these words, pause for a moment and think about a time you may have lied.

Perhaps a little white lie when you were running late. If you focus on how the behavior makes you feel instead of how often it happens, it opens you both up to talk instead of feeling judged or ashamed.

72. Acceptance is the path to marriage salvation
Dr. Kim Dawson, Psy.D.

• Accept nobody has a monopoly on the truth, not even you!
• Accept conflict is a natural part of a relationship and a source of life lessons.
• Accept your partner has a valid perspective. Ask about it! Learn from it!
• Find a dream you share and build it into reality.

73. Create a life where you live free of the fear of being “found out”
GREG GRIFFIN, MA, BCPC

Make decisions as if your spouse were with you, even when s/he is not. Live so that if your spouse surprised you by showing up wherever you were (on a business trip, out with friends, or even when you’re alone), you would be excited to welcome him or her. It’s a great feeling to live free of the fear of being “found out”.

74. Spend quality time with your partner
Mendim Zhuta, LMFT

If I could give a Married couple only one recommendation it would be to make sure they maintain their “Quality Time” balance of a minimum 2 hours a week. To be clear by “Quality time” I mean a date night/day. Furthermore, never go more than one month without replenishing this balance.

75. Nurture your relationship through small connections
LISA CHAPIN, MA, LPC

My advice would be to make your relationship a priority and ensure you are nurturing it through small but significant emotional and physical connections every day. Developing daily ritual encounters – a mental check in with your partner (text, email, or phone call) or a meaningful kiss, caress or hug can go a long way.