Couples seeking counseling services often ask for help with their communication skills. I redirect them to begin developing their acceptance skills. What nurtures and sustains loving intimate relationships is learning to relate through acceptance instead of judgement.
The underlying fear that there is not enough ” _______” for me is what drives the judging, shaming, blaming and criticizing in order to try to change the self or the other so that there is more “_______” for me.
This approach chases love away instead of enhancing it.
Self acceptance and acceptance of your partner is what ends the war and returns you to relating from a place of composure. Composure and calm allow you to negotiate the changes that are needed with each other without feeling attacked.
This acceptance and non judgemental way of relating also makes it easier to not withhold or keep secrets from each other. Risking letting my authentic self to handle what I normally give to my performer self, shifts me back to my vulnerable truth instead of my defensive being on guard.
The more we practice self acceptance at very deep levels, the more resilient and safe we feel in relating from an authentic, truthful and vulnerable place.
Acceptance is the unconditional part of unconditional love
Acceptance will actually deliver what the judge or critic is trying to bring to the self and the relationship.
The first step is to start with yourself. As you practice embracing all your emotions and all your parts the duality of trying to kill off the bad parts of self and accentuate, the good parts of self stops splitting the self in two and you begin to utilize teamwork instead of being adversarial.
Teamwork is more effective than individual effort. Perceiving yourself as a team member allows for more cooperation and then a win-win scenario is possible.
Here are three solutions that can make your relationship truly beautiful
1. Come up with solutions together as a couple
2. Practicing letting go of the petty matters
3. Appreciate the beauty that everyday life offers
“When I is replaced by We even illness becomes wellness.” Malcom X
I work with EMDR, NLP, meditation, breath work and motivational interviewing to strengthen both individuals so that the relationship can completely transform. Learn to love yourself and instead of trying to change each other, accept your partner the way they are.
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