It’s kind of funny when people ask for sex advice because often there isn’t anything wrong with the actual sex. While there are things couples can and should do to improve the physicality of sex, improving the overall sex life usually has much more to do with things outside of the bedroom.

What is actually bothering you?

The first thing I always tell people is to monitor their thought life. If you don’t know what I mean about a thought life, it is simply anything that you allow into your brain and linger there for a bit. There are thoughts that stick around which make us unhappy with our circumstances. Sometimes those thoughts can deter us from being physically intimate with our spouse.

For example, are you allowing yourself to think poorly of your spouse or are you intentionally thinking highly of your spouse? If it is the former, those thoughts need to change. Listen, I am not telling you to disillusion yourself about your spouse. I am simply stating that you need to focus on those great things about your spouse which you love.

When feeding your brain all the negative aspects about your spouse over and over, eventually, you will start to compare or fantasize what your spouse should be like. This is a dangerous ground. It is dangerous because you are putting incredibly high expectations on your spouse to be something that you have completely made up in your head. No one can fill those shoes.

Once your spouse fails to be what you think they should be, you will start to lose interest sexually. After all, who wants to sleep with someone who disappoints continually? At that point in the thought cycle, there will be continued failed expectations that make room for resentment and lack of desire.

Possible solutions

1. Your thought life needs to be put in check before anything else.

So, if you are having a hard time in that area, start there. Capture those thoughts. Make them your hostage. Then replace them with positive thoughts about your spouse. Replace them with how much you love and adore your spouse.

2. Lifestyle and the expectations we have for each other in everyday life

You may laugh, but it can really turn on some women when their man helps with household chores! There can also be the opposite effect when the balance of duties in your marriage are lopsided. One spouse may feel they do entirely too much and resent their partner for not helping enough. This will spill over into the bedroom.

3. Sit down together and have the conversation about each other’s expectations

If your spouse is feeling overwhelmed, offer to help them out. And vice versa. Taking the load off each other will ultimately allow you to feel more at ease, loved and respected which will make you more open to having sex later.

4. Lastly, date your spouse!

I can almost guarantee you had fun dating your spouse before marriage. But, maybe things have become a little too serious and stressful nowadays. It can be difficult to think about making love with the stressors of life. Taking breaks from real life is a great thing. Start dating each other again! Seriously, get a babysitter (or dog-sitter) and go somewhere together. Making a date night with your spouse a regular habit will enable you to have fun and feel more connected. The whole reason you are married is because you fell in love with your spouse. One of the only ways to remember that is to make dating your spouse a priority. Your spouse should be a priority over your kids and over your job. If that is not happening, try hard to make that change. You, your spouse and your sex life will be thankful you did this!

Overall, when people are struggling in their sex life, it usually boils down to some of these things. I have seen drastic changes in my  my own life once my spouse and I addressed these issues. I truly believe that if you put these things into practice and intentionally make some choices to change, your sex life and your marriage will be much better.