Relationships should make both the partners feel loved, respected, and secure. This holy grail of healthy relationship characteristics is torn apart when there is severe insecurity in the relationship. Ranging from jealousy to controlling behavior, insecurity can manifest itself in many destructive ways. Your insecurities may or may not be warranted, but they create unhealthy behavior regardless of your reasoning.
Here are 8 signs that you are insecure in your relationship and what you can do about it.
1. Fear of losing your mate
One sign that you are insecure in your relationship is the constant fear of losing your mate. Insecurities make you feel like you aren’t worth someone’s time and so you find yourself obsessing over whether your mate really likes you, really enjoys sex, is actually attracted to you, finds you annoying, or wants to leave you for someone else. This fear seems all the more warranted when you have been through a rough patch with your partner where perhaps they did lose your trust.
Without trust, a relationship is doomed. If you are truly concerned that you will not be able to trust your mate, you should not be together.
2. Consuming jealousy
There is a certain level of jealousy in a relationship that is considered healthy. After all, you are in a committed relationship and you don’t want someone else breaking what you have built. But, there is a point where this healthy jealousy turns into a consuming insecurity. Common signs of jealousy include:
- Spying on your mate
- Constantly questioning your partner’s whereabouts
- Controlling behavior, such as demanding friendships to be ended because they make you uncomfortable
- Getting too close or clingy with your mate
- Spite and pettiness, such as making a new friend or flirting with someone else just to make your mate jealous
Jealousy is extremely difficult to overcome, but not impossibly so. This sneaky emotion seems entirely justified while you are in the moment but is are not worth ruining a great relationship over. Practice learning to let go of certain hang-ups and build trust with your partner.
3. Demanding access to electronics
One sign that you are insecure in your relationship is if you demand access to your spouse’s electronic devices such as phone, tablet, or social media accounts. You may be paranoid, wondering if your mate has naughty apps or is carrying on inappropriate conversations in private messages, but you should not be policing them in the hopes that you’re saving your relationship by doing so.
It seems a little scary at first, but acknowledging that you cannot change your partner’s actions by monitoring them like a security guard can give you a sense of peace. In the end, you either trust your mate or you don’t.
4. You constantly check social media
Even if you have your partner’s passwords for their e-mail or access to their phone, your insecurities still can’t be silenced. Instead of going straight to your mate’s device, you obsessively check their social media instead. You may even google your spouse’s name or constantly check up on their exes via social media. This can lead to unhealthy arguments and deeper insecurities.
Social media is a notorious relationship killer, so there’s reason to be doubtful of the ease in which infidelity can happen over networking sites. The American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers reports that one-third of divorce filings contain the word “Facebook”.
That said, being consumed by every new ‘like’ on your mate’s photos or being keenly aware of anyone who is having conversations with them is no way to live.
5. Paranoia and disbelief as to your partner’s whereabouts
Constant questioning of your partner’s whereabouts and intentions can be tiring for both parties and can weaken your relationship. Unfortunately, the hardest possible things to do when you are insecure is to trust your mate. The next time you get into an argument with your partner about their true whereabouts, try and remind yourself that if your mate has never given you a reason to doubt them, stop doing so.
6. The need for constant reassurance
Am I attractive? Do you love me? Do you really want to be with me? Are you being faithful? Why do you like me anyway?
These are all questions that are all spurred on by insecurities. If you are insecure with yourself you may find you are constantly requesting reassurance from your spouse for validation.
Some measure of reassurance from your partner is to be expected to make you feel special in your relationship, but it should not consume your conversations. If you feel depressed or need frequent reassurance, you may consider counseling as a fantastic way to get to know yourself better and learn to love who you are.
7. You don’t like to be left alone
If you are insecure in your relationship, being left alone is your worst nightmare. The silence is haunting. You would rather be anywhere but left to think. This fear of being alone can also lead you to stay in an unhealthy relationship that does not deserve your time or attention. Seek counseling or confide in a friend or family member who can give you an outside perspective of why it is better to be on your own and learn to love yourself, rather than stay in a toxic relationship.
8. You avoid confrontation
When you are insecure in your relationship you might avoid confrontation like plague, even when it is warranted. This is because you fear that your mate will leave you at the slightest sign of opposition. If you want to pursue a healthy relationship, it is vital that you practice honest communication. This means getting uncomfortable topics out in the open and sharing your thoughts and feelings with one another.
If you find yourself constantly suspicious of your mate and feel the need to gather information about their whereabouts with questions like “How long were you gone?” and “Who were you with?” these are clear signs that you are insecure in your relationship. Work on building trust with your mate and create goals that revolve around getting to know yourself better. Your mate cannot take away your insecurities, only you can.