Why am I so insecure? It’s a question many people ask themselves when self-doubt rears its head as it so often does. The victims can be anyone regardless of social status, education level, or experience in the work industry.
The feeling can strike when least expected and at the worst possible time. It generally makes you feel as though you’re the stand-in for your own life, but you’ve forgotten your lines, and someone will indeed find out, leading to your ultimate failure.
Insecurity seems to have a radar understanding when you need to have things all together and be your most confident. That’s when you generally become the most awkward with self-doubt being in charge.
That’s whether you’re about to take an interview, go into a critical business meeting, or a most anticipated social situation. Negativity creeps in and helps talk you out of any self-esteem you might have started with.
Why am I so insecure about everything? Let’s see if there are answers.
Why am I so insecure?
It’s curious to learn what makes someone insecure. Have studies been done on groups of people to give us some sort of benchmark to check our level to see if we’re close to normal?
Is there a medical provision for self-doubt that could be imposed if we’ve gotten somewhat out of control? I suppose it would be included in the mental health sciences along with low self-esteem.
It’s unclear if overcoming insecurity is a universal issue. Still, it is known that it will strike anyone at any time for not one particular reason that these individuals are consciously aware of.
It could be past trauma, a particular rejection, or perhaps a personal habit of setting oneself to too high a standard that’s impossible to achieve and then letting yourself down, or so many other possibilities.
Often insecurity and self-doubt occur due to something unpleasant taking place, something that maybe resulted in trauma. Insecurities in a relationship are usual to a degree.
Going beyond that can bring a concern to the partnership. The person experiencing the emotion tends to reach a point of panic, needing constant reassurance and becoming too great a demand for their mate.
Let’s look at why feeling insecure can get to such an extreme level where it’s a blend of insecurity and anxiety.
1. Low-self esteem / Poor self-confidence
What causes insecurity can be numerous, but one of the primary reasons for battling insecurity is poor self-confidence or lacking self-esteem. Having a poor sense of self forces you to believe that others view you similarly.
That makes it difficult to understand that someone would genuinely find you a valuable mate to carry on a romantic partnership, disbelieving them when they declare their love, waiting instead for their departure. Therefore, you are paranoid with any disagreement believing it to be the “end.”
When an individual has a past traumatic experience, it can lead them to believe that they are incapable of being loved. Emotional baggage is often projected onto innocent partners through insecure actions.
For those involved with toxicity in a partnership where there could have been neglect, cheating, criticisms, you can be left with feelings of uncertainty within.
The consistent wait for those things to occur triggers the emotion and, unfortunately, damages current relationships to their demise.
Habits of insecure people include attempting to achieve at a level that can be impossible to reach, leading to ultimate letdown but viewed as a failure. In this family as a child, the kid was always instructed to work harder and do better.
It isn’t acceptable to not accomplish goals. The fear of failure becomes detrimental to health and well-being because failure is human and will occur like relationships that simply don’t work due to anyone’s blame.
The insecure one will take the loss personally and dwell over it for an extended period of time.
How to stop being so insecure
Changing patterns of insecurity is no simple task. These are exceptionally private and deeply rooted emotions with a need to become self-aware in an effort to work through them and ultimately eliminate them.
Situations and individuals like a mate could trigger self-doubt, but the responsibility for enforcing the insecurity lies with you. There needs to be an honest effort to embrace what suitable components are in your makeup and how the insecurity keeps you down.
It’s crucial to develop ways to manage if you can’t eliminate the behavior. One sure-fire positive would be to avoid comparisons. Everyone is unique, and your qualities make you stand out as an individual, making you a success in your own right, embrace that. Find out how to stop being insecure with this audiobook.
How can insecurity affect a relationship
Insecurity to a degree is natural in a relationship, generally showing up in the form of a bit of jealousy and the need for occasional reassurances.
It becomes a problem when the individual starts to get panicked over the notion that a mate will walk out of the partnership at every turn, regardless of how minor the disagreement might be.
There is an unnatural need for reassurance on a constant level where the significant other feels too much of a demand with the partnership, generally to the point of walking away.
When you have to ask yourself, “why am I so jealous and insecure,” the relationship is likely in trouble, and either counseling sessions are in order, or you will lose your mate.
10 reasons why you’re so insecure in your relationship
Insecure thoughts believe that there is less value in yourself in some capacity than there actually is.
It’s a form of self-judgment. Being insecure to the point you need continual reassurance from a mate leads to the partner beginning to have their own doubts about the relationship, ultimately calling it quits.
That was the primary factor for fighting insecurity, to begin with, a fear of losing the mate. It’s a vicious cycle. Let’s look at some of the reasons you indicate “I am so insecure.”
1. You compare
When you critique yourself based on other people’s (including exes) accomplishments, you’ll never succeed for your own unique qualities, especially in partnerships.
When a certain quirk is bothersome, but it has grown into a significant deal, that’s when you need to realize you’ve become overly sensitive and attempt to progress forward, not dwell in details that don’t warrant a place in the grand scheme.
4. Pleasing others precedes yourself
In life, you should chase dreams, grow and thrive as a person and realize healthy partnerships that bring you joy. Trying to impress other people is out of place in that world. Friends would be happy for you to reach these goals instead of attempting to make an impression.
5. Materialism is your voice
Your personality is not enough to show the person you love how you feel. You need to have the latest and greatest in electronics and other objects to speak your affection.
6. Central character
In order to hide the lack of confidence, it’s easier to try to attract attention to show a mate that you’re the central character at every event, instead, proving a lack of self-esteem because it’s evident you’re trying so hard.
7. Inventing issues where there are non
There are no real problems in your life, but insecurity rules that you create some to garner sympathy from a partner or so you can sulk. It’s vital to be grateful in life since people have real issues.
8. Insecure begets insecurity
In your world, it’s better to fill your world with other insecure people except for perhaps the person you have a partnership with. Unfortunately, these doubtful friends make your issues worse, disabling what could be a decent relationship.
The image you perceive as the ideal body is unrealistic and unreasonable from photos and images that are most likely photoshopped to create what managers want real people to believe is real and ideal.
Sadly, the unattainable means you’ll never be satisfied and believe that your mate won’t be either.
10. Failure is a part of life
Whether it’s a relationship or other aspects of life, not everything will succeed. No one can hold themselves to standards that are not achievable. There will only be letdowns that most will view as failures and insecure individuals find failure unacceptable.
How can I overcome insecurity: 20 Tips
The notion of keeping others in mind in the various components of life can prove to be noble or even practical unless you’re someone experiencing insecurity. It then becomes something that drives every aspect of your life and is something you need to overcome.
But learning how to deal with insecurities, particularly how to stop being insecure in your relationship, can prove challenging. Check out a few ways to try.
1. Try to provide for others what you’re looking for from them
In a relationship, you want continuous reassurances that a partner will not leave, to feel loved and approved of. Perhaps if you offer those things to a mate, you would find those things given freely without having to seek reassurances.
2. Express to yourself that you are insecure
The first step is admission. Once you can acknowledge that you are, in fact, experiencing self-doubt, the next step is determining the method for managing the emotion.
3. Change your decision-making processes
Don’t make decisions based on what others would do or how they will react. Look at the issues at hand and contemplate your own thoughts and ideas. Perhaps then you can enjoy a friendly debate with your mate.
Take your confidence for a test drive by beginning with gentle examples with your partner since this is the person you can feel most safe with.
Once comfortable, you can progress to close friends and ultimately reestablish it thoroughly, so you no longer need to discern why am I so insecure.
5. Self-reflection can be a guide
When contemplating why am I so insecure, self-reflection is an excellent way to try to understand where the self-doubt began and why it’s taking control. Making those determinations can lead to a conversation with a partner who can help develop a plan for managing the issues.
6. Learn optimism
Insecurity begets a pessimistic attitude. You feel down about yourself and as though you have no value or worth. The way to beat that is to develop optimism to battle those misconceptions, so your mate does not continually need to reassure. This will allow you to develop yourself to become self-assured.
7. Leave fear at the door
Insecurity consists primarily of fear. Because of that fear, most people avoid opportunities because they have an intense fear of failure. Their standards are overextended to the point their goals are not achievable.
Even relationships are scary because mates might leave. It’s vital to pursue the opportunities and not allow fear to motivate.
Journaling is one of the most cathartic methods for overcoming many unhealthy emotions. If you’re not big on writing about your experiences with insecurity or how it might be affecting your partnership and life in general, record it. You can always tape over it each day.
Instead of comparing yourself to other people who are vastly different from yourself, choose to compare how you progress each day, transformation in appearance, transitions in who you are, reflections on your partnership.
You can ask your mate to have this discussion so you can see yourself in their eyes, perhaps once a week or once a month, to learn about yourself, your quirks, your uniqueness, what makes you, you and avoid looking at everyone else as your competition.
10. Let go of personal offenses
When the question of why am I so insecure comes into play, there can be numerous reasons, including rejection or past traumas. Because of these things, people tend to believe that everything is about them, but it’s not.
When a mate says or does something innocent, and you take it personally as an offense; usually that’s an overreaction based on one of these experiences that can lead to an argument often avoidable if you look at it rationally.
11. Send baggage return to sender
In that same vein, a mate doesn’t want to be held responsible for past partners who might have walked away or the treatment they might have been guilty of.
Everyone has old baggage. Some of it can be tough to handle alone, with partners needing to be supportive and comforting in their role, but holding them accountable for others’ mistakes is going too far.
That can ultimately result in the loss of the relationship. Instead, it’s wise to reach out for counseling to help with determining why am I so insecure and the after-effects of whatever those reasons might be.
12. Trust can be earned
Again, an issue a mate needs to contend with is earring trust. An answer to the question “Why am I so insecure” is someone breaking a trust, whether a parent or another family member, perhaps a close friend but someone close.
Instead of being open and vulnerable with communication, the insecure person is more closed and guarded. While a partner shows themselves as vulnerable, it will be a matter of time for the one with self-doubt to finally reveal their insecurities. But with patience, it will happen.
Instead of getting feedback from a partner or anyone close, it’s better to cut them off before they can offer their opinions. It goes back to perhaps a fear of rejection or maybe possible criticism that was endured.
It’s better not to know than hear what you perceive will be bad news. It’s good to get input to grow as a person. No one would intentionally hurt your feelings. Presume the feedback will be constructive.
15. Start to believe in your purpose
Everyone has a purpose in the world and belongs in their space for a reason. It’s up to you to realize those reasons. A mate often motivates and encourages, but they’re not responsible for chasing your dreams for you. It would help if you recognized where you stood out and followed those qualities to your success.
16. Happy in your skin
Self-esteem begins with being happy in your skin. An essential part of learning why am I so insecure is finding peace within your body, in who you are in your mind, as well as the spirit that you carry.
When you can become familiar and comfortable with these elements, there is a sense of self-confidence, and your self-esteem will become established.
17. Let someone else have the glory
The life of the party generally is so natural. It isn’t forced, and everyone gathers around because they want to and not out of obligation.
When you crave the spotlight with forced eagerness, it’s apparent that those around you feel embarrassed yet required to support you in your effort. Stay in the background and let the people who are meant to play the part do so. You have your own specialty, and that’s not it. It can only hurt self-esteem rather than help.
18. Overstating is lost on companions
Discerning why am I so insecure can be because you were critiqued for performance from a young age. Now, as an adult, you need to overstate your abilities or position that you hold to get praise and validation.
The thing to remember is a companion, and close friends love you for who you are, not what you can accomplish or how you perform. For real, none of them need to validate you; only you can do that.
It’s okay to discuss what you do but not necessarily blow it up more than it is or glorify your talent. Best friends and mates care only about you.
19. Make a few confident friends
While you are asking yourself, “why am I so insecure,” most of your friends are as well. That doesn’t help you to become confident and self-assured.
It’s wise to get to know one or two of your mate’s friends that carry a bit more confidence. Maybe that will make you a bit more secure within yourself.
20. Reach out for assistance
There’s no harm in reaching out for individual counseling when you are uncertain how to answer “why am I so insecure,” especially if it damages your partnership.
Your mate may even want to attend couples’ therapy to help salvage the relationship. A professional will get to the root of the problem and help you work through the underlying issue.
Until you do that, you can’t resolve the lack of confidence since the insecurity is merely the result of an actual problem. Watch this insightful video on “Learning To Love Your Insecurities” and who you are with Makayla Pearce.
Insecurity is a feeling that there is less value and worth in oneself than there genuinely is. It leaks over into relationships to the point partners need to reassure their mate that they are loved, accepted, and constantly appreciated until it reaches a degree that is too demanding.
That ultimately ends the relationship, bringing to fruition the initial fear of the individual with self-doubt.
In reality, counseling is a beneficial tool to bring out the root of the insecurity to resolve that underlying issue so the lack of confidence and self-esteem can then be overcome.
You can put a bandaid on insecurity, but until you correct the reason for it, the insecurity will continue to rear its head.
If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married.
Sylvia Smith loves to share insights on how couples can revitalize their love lives in and out of the bedroom. As a writer at Marriage.com, she is a big believer in living consciously and encourages couples to adopt this principle in their lives too. Sylvia believes that every couple can transform their relationship into a happier, healthier one by taking purposeful and wholehearted action.