How Narcissists Use Future Faking to Manipulate You

Narcissism, also known by its official diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder, involves a set of traits that can make relationships quite challenging.

For example, narcissists engage in behaviors such as exaggerating their achievements, taking advantage of others to get their own needs met, and expecting others to comply with all of their expectations.

Narcissists also expect to be admired and lack empathy for others. Given all of these traits, narcissists can be pretty manipulative of other people, and one way they manipulate is through future faking.

What does future faking mean?

At its essence, future faking is a cunning manipulation tactic that narcissists use to get what they want from their partners.

It can involve something as simple as promising to call their significant other later in the day and then failing to make the phone call, or it can be as extreme as talking about marriage and kids together without having any intent of having a lasting relationship.

The future faking narcissist will make grand promises for a blissful future together but will not deliver upon those promises.

Future fakers may talk about saving to buy a home together or take an exotic vacation but fail to ever set aside money for either of these ventures. The reality is that this is how a narcissist manipulates.

They get their partners excited through talk of future dating or plans to sweep them off their feet by the prospects of such a perfect relationship.

Related Reading: 7 Different Ideas of a Perfect Relationship

Why does future faking work for the narcissist?

Faking a relationship works for the narcissist because the unknowing partner assumes that they plan to deliver upon their promises for the relationship’s future.

This causes the partner to become hopeful for the future and bonded to the narcissist. The thought of a happy relationship together leads the partner to fall in love with the narcissist, which gives the narcissist control.

After the future faking narcissist has control over their partner, they can engage in abusive behaviors.

They think the partner, who has set their sights on a blissful future together, will tolerate the abuse because they have become so attached to the narcissist, who has essentially been faking a relationship.

Occasionally, the partner may call the narcissist out on future faking. The narcissist may temporarily alter their behavior to manipulate the partner into sticking around, but once the narcissist regains control, future faking behavior will continue.

Once the narcissist has gained control through future faking, the partner is likely to be committed and loyal to the narcissist and give the narcissistic partner whatever they want. This can involve gifts, money, sexual favors, or simply complying with all of the narcissist’s demands.

Is a narcissistic future faking common?

It is difficult to know just how common narcissistic future faking is, but fake relationships are common with narcissists because of their manipulative behaviors.

While not every narcissistic person will engage in this behavior, the chances of future faking are high. A person with a narcissistic personality disorder needs to control and manipulate their partners.

Promising a rosy future keeps the partner hooked to stay around for bad behavior in the future.

That being said, it is also possible for narcissists to engage in future faking without knowing they are doing it.

When they make a lofty promise to you, such as the promise to get engaged a few months down the road, they are probably feeling very positively about the relationship, and they may mean what they say, without thinking about the logistics of what they are telling you.

This is because narcissism is associated with impulsivity, meaning a narcissistic person may act on their current emotions and make grand promises, not considering the fact that they may be held to these promises later.

Why are narcissists, future fakers?

As stated above, sometimes narcissists engage in future faking because they feel optimistic about the relationship. In the early stages of a relationship, narcissists tend to view their new partners as ideal.

This is because narcissism is linked to fantasies of ideal love, and the narcissist may truly believe they have found their soulmate in their new partner.

This leads them to engage in a practice called “love bombing,” in which they shower the partner with affection, grand promises, and attention that most people would consider to be excessive for the early stages of a relationship.

When a narcissist loves bombing a new partner, they are likely to talk about the future together.

Still, over time, as the partner loses their perfect image in the narcissist’s mind, the narcissist will begin to “devalue” the partner, which can involve putdowns, withdrawal of affection, or even an act of disappearing from the relationship.

Instead of following through on promises of future dating, the narcissist ends up acting oppositely, treating their partner horribly.

While they may not intend to devalue their partners this way initially, the reality is that no one is perfect, and the partner will eventually let the narcissist down.

The narcissist then justifies not following through on promises made to the partner, telling themselves that it is the partner’s fault for no longer making the narcissist happy.

While a narcissist is not always conscious that they have a fake personality disorder, future faking is intentional in some cases.

A narcissist may purposely make promises to their partner to manipulate the partner into jumping into a serious relationship with the narcissist. This can involve promises of future marriage, children, or properties together.

The narcissist makes the partner dependent upon the relationship, and the partner will then give in to the narcissist’s demands because the partner has their heart set on a future with the narcissist.

They don’t want to lose out on the potential for the dream relationship the narcissist promised in the early stages.

How to spot narcissist manipulation techniques like future faking

Sometimes, it can be challenging to spot future faking. In the early stages of the relationship, future faking behavior may seem normal. Some people may assume that the relationship is ideal, and they have found their one true love.

Given that it can be easy to fall for future faking, it is important to spot it. Look for some of the following signs:

1. Moving too quickly

In a healthy relationship, it takes time for two people to get to know each other. This means that the early stages should involve casually dating and learning more about each other’s lives and goals. 

If a partner rushes into talking about marriage and kids after just a few weeks together, this is a clear sign that they are trying to get you hooked fast with future faking.

2. Suddenly flipping a switch 

With narcissistic future faking, the narcissist is not likely to follow through and provide the romantic future they promised you. 

One sign that their promises are just part of their faking personality is that they suddenly change their tune.

You may have one disagreement, and suddenly your partner talking about a house and kids together is now telling you that they no longer want to be in a relationship with you.

This can be pretty confusing, as just five minutes before, they acted as if the two of you were so perfect together that a lifelong of happiness was sure to follow.

Also Try: Is My Partner A Narcissist?

3. You have a gut feeling

Even if you are starting to fall head over heels for your partner, if you have been a victim of future faking, you may have a gut feeling that the relationship is just too good to be true.

Listen to your gut; if your partner is making grand promises early in the relationship, and something seems off, it probably is.

4. Excuse-making

Someone struggling with a faking emotions disorder may promise fancy vacations or romantic getaways because they think it will hook you on the relationship. 

Still, they will be full of excuses when it comes down to following through with these plans. 

Maybe your partner talked about going to Hawaii over the summer, but as the summer approaches and you ask about solidifying your plans, they have a list of reasons why they haven’t followed through.

Here is a video you should watch to know more about empty promises of a narcissist:

Related Reading: The 12 Worst Breakup Excuses Ever Given by Men

5. No evidence of truth

Similarly, if your partner has been future faking, they may have promised to move in with you or propose to you by a specific date, but with a future faker, you will see no evidence that these promises are true.

When someone intends to create a future with their partner, they will take steps toward that future together.

For instance, perhaps you and your partner live several hours away, but they’ve promised you’ll get a house together in the same town soon.

If they intend to follow through, they should be taking steps like searching for new jobs in your town or making plans to look at houses with you. If there is no evidence of this, they are probably just future faking.

Related Reading: Breaking Promises in a Relationship – How to Deal With It

Negative consequences of future faking

When a narcissist uses future faking to win over their partners, the significant other is likely to feel quite positively initially.

It will seem as if the relationship is perfect and headed in the right direction. Unfortunately, this is not the case, and the consequences can be devastating.

Consider some of the harms of future faking below:

• Financial ruin

If your partner promises to create a future with you, you may begin to invest in them financially.

For example, you may assist with bills or help to pay for their car or education because they have promised you a future together.

When that blissful future never comes around, you may find that you have drained your bank account trying to support this person, only for them to leave you with nothing in return.

Related Reading: How to Deal with Financial Stress in Marriage Without Losing Your Mind

• Confusion

As your partner continues to future fake but not follow through on promises, you can begin to feel quite confused.

You may question why this is happening to you or even blame yourself for doing something wrong to cause your partner not to commit to you.

• Depression 

When a partner promises you the world, you will likely hang onto these promises and look forward to a happy relationship together.

When that happy relationship never comes to fruition, you are likely to feel quite sad. You may even sink into feelings of hopelessness and helplessness, which can lead to depression.

You might feel like you are not worthy of a happy relationship since you were promised the world and ended up with nothing from your partner.

Related Reading: Signs You Are in Depression Quiz

• Feelings of grief

If you begin to realize that your partner was future faking and none of their promises were honest, you are likely to feel a sense of loss.

You thought you were involved in the perfect relationship and that the two of you would grow old and live out your dreams together, but with future fakers, this ends up not being the case.

It is only natural to feel grief over the loss of what you pictured would be a loving relationship.

Also Try: Grief & Loss Quiz

Conclusion

Future faking can make it seem like a relationship is perfect, but the truth is that this is just how a narcissist manipulates.

Whether intentional or not, faking a relationship only ends in hurt feelings and can be pretty traumatic for the other person in the relationship.

If you think you may be a victim of future faking behavior, lookout for some of the signs mentioned here. If they apply to you, it is probably time to call your partner out on their behavior.

Hold them to their promises, and if you find that they cannot follow through or give you the relationship you deserve, it’s probably time to walk away before you end up seriously hurt.

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Jennifer Schulz LCSW

Dr. Jenni Schulz is a licensed social worker with a master's degree in social work from The Ohio State University, and she earned her Doctorate of Philosophy in Psychology from National University. She has worked in the social work field for 14 years and is currently a professor at Ashland University.... Read more She writes website content about mental health, addiction, and fitness. Dr. Schulz is licensed as both a social worker through Ohio Board of Counselors, Social Workers, and Marriage/Family Therapists and a school social worker through Ohio Department of Education. She currently works primarily as a crisis therapist at her local hospital and jail, while engaging in mental health consulting virtually. Read less

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