15 Tips on Getting Closure After an Affair

Even if you know that your affair was wrong, leaving isn’t always easy, nor is there a one-size-fits-all guide for ending things.

Many people want to quit an affair cold turkey, while others need closure for moving forward after an affair. Closure is the act of terminating something in a way that leaves you feeling satisfied, even if that satisfaction tastes bittersweet.

Learning how to get closure after an affair is not easy. It can be emotionally and physically taxing, especially if you’re trying to decide whether to tell your spouse about your infidelity.

Certified coach Silvana Mici says,

Rebuilding trust after an affair requires open and honest communication. Establishing clear boundaries is essential for both partners to feel secure in moving forward.

That is why we’re looking at 15 effective tips for moving forward after an affair.

Why should you get closure after an affair?

There are plenty of reasons for finding closure after an affair has ended. Perhaps you need to find a way to live with the guilt you now feel for cheating, or maybe your affair partner ended things before you were ready to say goodbye.

Whatever your circumstances, getting closure after an affair can help you deal with the myriad of feelings you are no doubt dealing with post-infidelity.

15 tips for getting closure after an affair

Wondering how to get closure from a toxic relationship? Check out some essential tips on how to get closure after an affair:

1. End it

The biggest step in getting closure after an affair is to end it and make sure it’s really over. Don’t backslide or continue to search this person out on social media. End it once and for all so that you can truly move on with your life.

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2. Find out who you are

If you want to learn how to get closure after an affair, start by mending the relationship you have with yourself.

People can get lost in affairs, and when the affair ends, they feel like a stranger to themselves.

To get past an affair, reconnect with yourself, your loves, and your passions, and figure out what you want from your life. Only when you learn to accept and love yourself can you have true emotional closure after an affair.

3. Forgive yourself

It isn’t easy moving forward after an affair, especially when you feel guilty about what happened. Instead of looking back on your extramarital fling as romantic, the memories turn your stomach.

Guilt is good (hear us out) because it shows that you have a conscience. You feel BAD about what happened, and that’s GOOD.

But it’s over now, and beating yourself up over what happened isn’t going to change anything – it’s only going to hold you back from building a better marriage and moving on.

If you find it hard to forgive yourself, check out this video for some tips on how to get over the guilt:

4. Journal it out

How to end an affair with a married man or woman? One tip for how to get closure after an affair is to write out your feelings.

Sometimes it’s hard to process what we feel, but putting pen to paper can bring clarity to your life and help you see things from a new perspective.

Journaling is especially helpful if you have not confided in your friends or your spouse about what happened and need an outlet.

Also Try: Should I End My Relationship Quiz

5. Figure out where you went wrong

What happened in your marriage to make you stray? What happened in your affair to make things end?

These are two questions you need to know the answer to if you want to learn how to get closure after an affair.

Figure out where you went wrong so that you are not doomed to repeat the same relationship mistakes.

6. Tell your spouse

Getting closure after an affair is about more than talking with your ex.

Do you feel consuming guilt after ending affairs when you’re in love with your extramarital partner? This is natural. You’re coming down off of the high of new love (or lust, more likely) and settling back into your life with your partner.

You’ve betrayed your partner’s trust, and now every time you look at them, you feel:

• Sick to your stomach
• Nervous that they’re going to find out
• Regretful for all you’ve done

When an affair ends, moving on can only happen if you come clean with your spouse, do it.

You can do this one-on-one, through a heartfelt letter, or in couples counseling. Whatever way you choose, remember that you’re revealing your secret so you can repair your marriage, not so you can crush your spouse with details about your cheating.

Also Try: Do You Know Your Spouse That Well?

7. Seek counseling

Whether you are set on finding closure after an affair you’ve been a part of or you want to learn how to get closure after being cheated on, therapy can be extremely healing.

Your therapist can help you identify the underlying reasons why you strayed from your marriage. A counselor can also be invaluable in learning how to get closure after an affair as a couple if you have told your spouse about your extramarital activities.

Infidelity is a complex issue that often requires the guidance of a trained professional. A therapist can provide a safe space for understanding, healing, and rebuilding trust.

says Dr. Esther Perel, a licensed psychologist.

You can find a therapist easily on marriage.com by using the Find a Therapist directory and connect with your perfect one-on-one therapist.

8. Make a list

If you want emotional closure after an affair, you need to remind yourself why ending your affair (whether you were the dumper or dumpee) was the right thing to do.

• You were breaking your marriage vows
• Your spouse would be crushed if they knew
• If your cheating partner was married, they were putting their marriage in jeopardy
• An affair can emotionally damage any children in the mix
• Leading a double life is exhausting
• You deserve the whole cake, not just the icing on top

Making such a list and consulting it whenever you feel tempted to reach out to your ex will help in getting closure after an affair.

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9. Lean on your friends

Confiding in a trusted confidant can be helpful in finding closure after an affair. This is a wonderful outlet for your feelings, and statistics show that leaning on close friends during stressful times can greatly reduce psychological distress.

10. Practice letting the affair go

Learning how to get closure after an affair isn’t a one-time decision. Ending an affair is a choice you have to make every single day.

Practice letting go after an affair by taking it one day at a time and repeatedly making the decision that is right for you and your marriage.

Also Try: Should I Let Him Go Quiz

11. Put yourself in your partner’s shoes

When the affair is over, having closure is comforting, but it isn’t necessary for moving on.

Approaching an ex for closure may even lead to an extension of the affair you’re trying to break off.

To get over your affair and do away with the notion that closure is something you deserve, considering your partner’s feelings.

Do they know about the affair? If they found out about it, would they be heartbroken?

Just think how would you feel if your husband/wife was bored in your marriage, and instead of coming to you to fix things as partners, they found someone else to make things exciting again?

No doubt you would be crushed.

How to move on after an affair? Getting emotional closure after an affair can help you move on, but don’t do it if the cost is needlessly hurting your spouse more than you already have.

12. Focus on your marital happiness

One tip for how to get closure after an affair is to fix what you have with your partner. This is especially true if your spouse knows about your extramarital activities.

Focusing your time and energy on finding happiness in your marriage will help greatly in moving forward after an affair.

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13. Plan dates

Getting closure after an affair is about more than letting go of your ex. It’s about accepting that the deceitful part of your life is over. Now it’s time to rebuild with your married partner – and you can start with a date night.

Research conducted by The National Marriage Project found that having a regular date night once a month was shown to have positive effects on couples.

Partners who regularly went out and spent quality time together experienced an increase in sexual satisfaction, communication skills and injected passion back into their relationship.

14. Have one last look at your mementos

If your affair partner refuses to talk to you now that the relationship is over, finding closure after an affair can be extremely difficult.

One way you can begin the healing process is to do a cleanse. Find any text messages, e-mails, gifts, or photographs you may have of that person and have one last look. Then destroy them.

Keeping these things around is harmful and hurtful.

• Harmful to you as you carry reminders of your affair and the heartbreak that followed, and
• Hurtful to your spouse if they were ever to find such mementos.

Also Try: How Do You Respond To Romance?

15. Accept what’s done is done

There is no quick fix for how to get closure after an affair. Sometimes you get to wrap things up in a neat little bow, while other times, you’re left with nothing but a big mess to clean up.

The best thing to do for getting closure after an affair is to accept that what’s done is done. You can’t change the past, but you can make a better future for yourself and your marriage.

Is emotional closure after an affair important?

The term “need for closure” was coined by psychologist Arie Kruglanski and referred to getting an answer that would lessen ambiguity or confusion about a certain situation. In this case, a breakup.

Questions you might have after an affair has ended might be:

• Why did the relationship end?
• Did your spouse find out?
• Why did you choose them over me?
• Did you ever really love me/Was our relationship real?
• Did I do something to make you lose interest?
• Was I used for emotional/sexual gratification?

So, if you wonder what to do after an affair ends, know that getting emotional closure after an affair can help you bring the situation to an end in a way that feels satisfying and allows you to move on.

Having answers to the questions above can help you heal, support your mental health, and make it easier for you to begin your life as a single person or recommit to your marriage.

Also Try: Is My Wife Having an Emotional Affair Quiz

Conclusion

If you want help in getting closure after an affair, start by ending things for good. You don’t want any ghosts lingering in the back of your marriage.

The next step is to cut off all contact with the person you have been cheating with. Block them from your social media, delete their phone number, and make a clean break. Take a step and start doing things that help you build a healthy lifestyle.

Finally, focus on your marriage and seek counseling – or, if you’ve chosen to leave your marriage, focus on rebuilding your sense of self.

Once you learn to leave the past where it belongs, you’ll be able to put your attention where it matters most: rebuilding your happiness.