20 Mistakes to Avoid in a New Relationship

“To err is human, to forgive, divine”. The 18th Century American poet, Alexander Pope’s words still resonate. We all make relationship mistakes but the key is to be aware of them and to observe how you each respond. If you both forgive and learn, don’t ever let each other go.  

Nevertheless, sometimes even the most promising new relationship can go sour surprisingly quickly, leaving you wondering what just happened. Perhaps you weren’t aligned with what you value in life and how you behave. 

New relationships are much more fragile because you’re still working out if you are aligned in how you live your lives. At that stage, it’s critical to watch for the signs of potentially incompatible behavior. 

Don’t make the mistake of ignoring those signs and getting stuck in a painful relationship.  Your dating partner doesn’t yet know you, and vice versa, but how you communicate now sets the path for the future. 

Instead, reflect on the following relationship mistakes to avoid in a relationship. 

20 mistakes to avoid in new relationship

Check out these mistakes to avoid in a relationship:

1. Confusing your new partner with your therapist

You know the feeling. You’ve met someone new, you’re hitting it off really well, and you love the feeling of sharing and getting to know each other. It’s a great phase in any new relationship! But if you expect them to fix your problems, you could scare your new beau off.

The key to any relationship is to be yourself. That doesn’t mean you offload your dirty laundry of family problems, debt, childhood trauma or therapy. Then again maybe you do want to share how you embarrassed yourself at the office Christmas party if it’s really funny.

According to Christiana Njoku, a licensed professional counselor:

Your new relationship is not a rehabilitation center, and your new partner is not meant to inherit your problems. Respect that!

How to fix it: Common relationship mistakes include hiding behind a mask. With this approach, you’re not being true to yourself and your new partner will fall in love with the wrong person. Instead, find the balance between being vulnerable and mature in how you share your problems. 

We all have problems and it would be a lie to say otherwise. The more you share, the more they will share and give you insight into how they lead their life. Simply be honest about what’s going on with you but don’t dwell on your problems and remember to share the good stuff. 

2. Being too available

When your relationship is new and things are going well, it’s natural to want to spend plenty of time together. But being too available can make you look desperate, and your date will wonder if you’re really interested in them as a person, or just looking for any relationship.

It’s worth knowing a bit about attachment styles and how you relate to people. According to psychoanalyst John Bowlby, the relationship with your parents sets up how you build relationships later in life. 

This overview of attachment theory, as well as the quiz at the end, will give you a sense of your own style. Essentially, if you’re anxiously attached, there’s a chance you might come across as clingy and needy. 

For example, trying to get your date involved in too many activities or texting too many times a day might just scare them off. As relationship mistakes go, this is often seen when teenagers fall in love. 

As this article on teenagers in love shows, teenagers often become too exclusive to the detriment of their friends and family. 

How to fix it: Don’t suggest constant dates close together and spread out your messages over a few days. Be casual about it – suggest getting together the following week, or just ask them when they’d like to hang out again.

3. Frequent social media posts

Social media is such a ubiquitous part of our lives these days that you can quickly fall into the trap of posting everything about your new relationship on social media. Stay strong and avoid the temptation – too much social media posting can put a lot of pressure on a new relationship.

If you’re constantly talking about your new date, tagging them in pics, liking everything they post and asking for selfies, you could find the relationship coming to an early end. Again, it comes across as desperate and needy and no one wants that on their list of relationship mistakes. 

How to fix it: Keep your relationship off social media till it’s established. There’s nothing wrong with adding each other and commenting here and there, but keep it casual and don’t tag them or talk about them.

4. Getting insecure

When it comes to relationship mistakes, the very thought of them can make us insecure. 

We all get a little insecure sometimes, but insecurity is a quick way to kill a new relationship. Still, it’s good to know where you stand so don’t let fear stop you from having the conversation about exclusivity. Although, perhaps not on the second date. Timing is the crux.

A new relationship is all about getting to know each other and seeing if you want to take things further. You’re not committed yet, so expecting your date to explain themselves to you too soon could push them away.

How to fix it: Be mindful of your own insecurities and don’t let them become a factor in your new relationship. Then again, be true to yourself and what you need from a relationship. 

5. Ignoring major differences

When you’re in the first flush of getting to know someone, it’s all too easy to overlook major differences in your values and worldview. After all, you’re not serious yet, so you don’t need to worry about how they’re going to vote in the next election, or what their career values are.

You like them and you want it to work out, so it’s only natural that you try to focus on the good and ignore relationship mistakes.

This is an error though – a shared sense of humor or a great spark in bed are fantastic right now, but you’ll need more than that to sustain your relationship if it develops into something more serious.

How to fix it: How to fix a mistake in a relationship means being honest about your core values and what really matters to you in life. If you’re dating someone who doesn’t share those core values, let them go gracefully. 

Trust us, you’ll be glad you did when you find someone who truly shares your core values. You’ll congratulate yourself for walking away from dire relationship mistakes. 

6. Living in the past

We all carry baggage from our past, that’s just a fact of life. However, letting your past baggage spill over into the present is one of those relationship mistakes that can drive people away.

If you had a previous partner who cheated on you, ghosted you, or hurt you in some way, you’ll understandably feel a bit scared that history is going to repeat itself. 

As Christiana Njoku explains:

Until you let go of your past experiences, you might not be open to discovering what the new relationship holds for you.

In terms of relationship mistakes, projecting that onto your new date and treating them as if they’d committed the injury is clearly not going to be well received. Remember it’s important to be vulnerable and human if you want to connect deeply but just don’t put the responsibility on them. 

How to fix it: Sometimes it’s perfectly fine to explain that you want to be cautious and to take things slowly because of what happened to you in the past. It helps them understand your behavior and it sets boundaries. 

Of course, watch your own behavior to avoid early relationship mistakes. Make sure you’re also open when you share and watch how they respond. This gives you huge insight into who they are. And how they forgive. 

7. Ignoring boundaries

It’s easy to let things go when you launch into a new relationship. You might think to yourself that they’re only late this once or they were only checking the time on your phone. 

Common mistakes in a relationship revolve around boundaries. If time is important to you, state that you appreciate a phone call if they’re running late. Moreover, no one should be checking your phone without asking you first. 

How to fix it: If you’re new to relationships, it might seem daunting to say no to someone. Nevertheless, they’ll respect you more for doing so. You’ll also see from their reaction whether this is someone worth pursuing. 

We all need personal space and time with other people. Make sure you honor all aspects of your life including friends, family, hobbies, work and of course, yourself. Download this free boundary info sheet to give you more details on boundaries. 

8. Accepting bad behavior

When it comes to relationship mistakes, don’t ignore the red flags. There are many toxic people out there who have to work through their own issues. If someone is overly angry or if their words don’t match their actions, you might need to rethink. 

If you send signals that it’s ok to yell at you or call you names, this becomes the norm for the future. It can be hard to forget those moments because you’re caught up in that feel-good state of new relationships. 

How to fix it: Take time out and reconnect with your values and what you want from a relationship. It can be helpful to write this out so that you can see it clearly on paper. Another approach is to talk it over with a friend to validate your thoughts. 

9. Presenting a mask 

As mentioned, be yourself in any relationship, no matter how new or established. Making mistakes in a relationship is normal and you’ll make them throughout your life. It’s how we grow and learn. 

In fact, most people do anything they can to stay away from conflict without realizing that conflict is a healthy part of any relationship. If you’re only presenting a mask and accepting everything, conflict and mutual growth can’t happen. 

Naturally, as this therapist’s article on relationship conflict explains, conflict only works if we approach it in a healthy manner. Only by listening to each other’s viewpoints can we hope to learn about each other’s beliefs. The bond then deepens. 

How to fix it: Don’t be afraid to share your opinions and ideas but listen openly to other ways of seeing things. Make sure you clearly state your feelings without blaming or criticizing them. 

10. Repeating past relationship mistakes 

When it comes to things to avoid in a new relationship, try to let go of the past. Many relationship mistakes start when we jump in too quickly without having resolved previous issues or learnt from mistakes.

How to fix it: If you find yourself moving too fast or overly comparing your new relationship to past partners, take a pause. Reconnect with yourself and what you want from the future. 

Moreover, you might need some support or relationship counseling to let go of past problems and to work through your takeaways. Only when we reflect on and accept our past can we grow and change. 

11. Getting caught up in brain chemicals 

Love might feel mysterious but neuroscientists have now pinpointed the biology of love. In essence, your brain releases a host of chemicals when you start a relationship. If you’re new to relationships, the rush can be so extreme that you’re convinced this is love forever. 

Sadly, the chemicals in our brains do nothing to ensure compatibility and nor do they negate the work it takes to build a long-term relationship. Those chemicals actually blind us and push us into making rash decisions such as moving in together too quickly. 

How to fix it: How to fix a mistake in a relationship starts with learning about those chemicals. You can even talk about them with your new partner to either postpone decisions or give yourselves time to talk over decisions with other people in your network. 

12. Struggling with intimacy 

Don’t make mistakes in love around your sex life. No one’s expecting things to be perfect straight away but if problems persist, either get some professional support or reconsider things. 

Then again, it isn’t all about sex. Emotional intimacy is more important in the long run. Although, of course, you can’t expect your partner to fulfill all your emotional needs. It wouldn’t be fair to them and it will only disappoint you. 

How to fix it: Mistakes to avoid in a relationship include not talking about what you like and don’t like. Be open and have fun with things. Again, the more you share and the more vulnerable you are, the more you connect emotionally.

Learn more about vulnerability and how it works in this video:

13. Getting exclusive too soon 

Relationships mistakes often involve being too pushy. Don’t force anyone into being exclusive if they’re not ready but talk about what you both need. It’s normal to take time to explore your compatibility. 

Don’t forget those brain chemicals and how they might also be clouding your judgment. 

How to fix it: Talk about it and put a timeline in your mind about when to check in again. Dating is fun but make a point to enjoy the present without overly focusing on the future. 

14. Not observing the present 

Dating mistakes to avoid in a new relationship include planning your wedding on date number 2. Not only could you scare them off but you’ll also miss what’s going on right now. 

When we focus too much on the future, we tend to project what we expect. Suddenly this new date is the ideal person you’ve created in your mind. In reality, they’re different but you won’t notice that until it’s too late. 

How to fix it: Take time to notice their nonverbal language. What does it say about them? How does their mannerism give you glimpses into their personality? You can also try to imagine being them to get a better sense of who they are. 

The more present you are, the more you’ll see them for who they are.

15. Neglecting self-care and alone time

Whatever you do, things to avoid in a new relationship are losing your identity and forgetting the rest of your life. Don’t make those relationship mistakes such that people shut out their friends, forget their hobbies and sacrifice work. 

How to fix it: Of course it’s exciting being in a new relationship. Regardless, if you don’t stay grounded without prioritizing your self-care, you’ll start resenting your partner. We all need alone time and without it, we’re in danger of becoming overly dependent. 

Christiana Njoku further shares:

No matter what, your new relationship should not make you lose your identity and all that matters to you before now.

16. Abandoning your friends 

How many people have you seen discard their friends? When things go wrong though, those friends might not be around anymore. 

How to fix it: To overcome mistakes in a relationship, you need your friends and family. Sometimes we just need validation or to simply hang out with different people. Remember to prioritize all the people in your life. 

17. Expecting others to be more than they are 

Dating mistakes to avoid in a new relationship revolve around setting impossible expectations. This puts pressure on both of you but probably harms you more in the end. 

With impossible expectations, you will be frequently let down which leads to depression and feelings of dissatisfaction. The challenge is that our societies put excessive expectations on us and reward us for being superhuman. 

How to fix it: As this therapist on setting expectations too high explains, this habit often comes from perfectionism, low self-esteem and fear of change or intimacy. You can overcome this by observing how you react when things don’t go your way. 

A more positive approach is to change your focus and keep looking for things to be grateful for in your partner. 

18. Sacrificing your needs 

Making mistakes in a relationship is normal. Whatever you do though, don’t forget your needs. Whether you prioritize security, touch, validation or growth is different for everyone. 

Simply get to know them and talk about them. If not, you’ll build up resentment and you might even find yourself with someone who can’t meet any of those needs. 

How to fix it: Write about your needs to explore what feels right to you. Perhaps you need more playfulness or autonomy? Whatever it is, share your thoughts about what you need. 

19. Losing connection with yourself 

Relationships’ mistakes founded on codependence are not healthy. It isn’t always easy to spot codependence when you’re in the middle of it though. 

These four signs of codependent relationships from the Gottman Institute will give you a starting point. It’s easier to fall into those habits especially if you have a hole in your heart left over from past trauma. 

So, one day, you realize you do everything together,  you can’t seem to make decisions alone and you feel responsible for your partner’s feelings. Don’t let that be you and watch for those signs of codependency.

How to fix it: Therapy is an obvious choice for codependency. Group support alongside therapy can also be powerful because it gives you the nurture you crave. 

Codependents Anonymous operate in most places across the world. They offer support and a structured process for healing. 

20. Overly demanding and overly engaged

Mistakes in love often start when we dive in too quickly. If you’re too pushy, people will get scared. Alternatively, they too might have past issues and are desperate for a relationship. This isn’t a good start for a healthy partnership. 

How to fix it: Stay away from those relationship mistakes where people get too tangled too quickly. This only leads to toxicity and resentment. So, pace yourself and enjoy the other aspects of your life. 

This also shows you as a grounded and balanced person such that you are more likely to attract a similarly stable and rooted partner. 

Best practice for new relationships 

If all this sounds overwhelming, don’t worry too much because early relationship mistakes are part of the discovery process. Of course, if you find yourself with too many errors, you might want to consider talking to a therapist.

A therapist can guide you so you gain awareness of your unhealthy relationship habits. With their support, you’ll develop inner self-worth such that you can approach relationships with a healthy mind. 

That’s not to say you’ll stop making mistakes. It simply means you can be more mindful of the typical dos and don’ts that trap people. Then, you’ll have realistic expectations with clear boundaries and acceptance of people as they are. 

FAQ

Check out these important questions on avoiding mistakes in a new relationship:

• What to avoid when you first start dating? 

We all make relationship mistakes but the top disasters of what to avoid in a relationship include playing games. Don’t talk about past lovers with some deep desire to trigger jealousy. Most importantly, don’t get caught in a power play. 

Other games people sometimes get lost in include playing hard-to-get or even the victim game. There are many types of games that people fall into because of not dealing with their unresolved issues. That’s when you get neediness, reactive behaviors or misunderstandings.  

Instead, work with a therapist to build your self-esteem and ground yourself in self-compassion. You can then become more aware of your habits and how you get triggered. With self-forgiveness, you can move past mistakes and attract the loving relationship you seek. 

• What core reasons are there for new relationships falling apart?

There are many relationship mistakes to avoid and the helpful tips come with the assumption that you’re grounded and secure in relationships. Aside from mental issues and addictions, common reasons for breakups are incompatibility, infidelity and lack of communication. 

Relationship mistakes often include misaligned values and life goals. Think back to those love chemicals that put you in a state of euphoria in new relationships. Those chemicals stop you from seeing mismatched approaches to life. 

Interestingly, this study on why some marriages succeed shows that relationships fall apart for a host of reasons from compatibility to personality and a tendency for anxiety. Critically, successful relationships come down to, not avoiding relationships mistakes per se, but on the contrary, having the ability to move on from negatives. 

The study goes on to say that how the connection made during the early dating period is a good predictor of the success of the long-term relationship. This comes down to being authentic, open communication and allowing for each other’s flaws. 

Accepting people as they are, whilst not placing excessive demands on life, takes personal growth. Often, relationship counseling can guide us to develop a deep relationship with ourselves first that then allows us to attract the right partner. 

You’ll then be ready to support each other’s growth for the long haul. 

Avoid and recover from relationship mistakes 

If you’re asking yourself what to avoid in a relationship to guarantee its success, it all boils down to who you are inside. Do you tend to be anxious and get lost in your new relationships? Or do you keep a balanced schedule of friends, work and family alongside your new date? 

Relationship mistakes can easily be avoided if you are grounded in a healthy belief of who you are and what values you stand for. Be firm with your boundaries but vulnerable about what life has put you through. 

Cultivating a relationship for the future is a fine balance of prioritizing both yourself and your new date. Get to know each other’s needs and goals in life but remember to also enjoy the present without succumbing too much to the love chemicals in your brain. 

If you find yourself making the same relationship mistakes over and over again, take a pause and talk to a professional. They’ll guide you to see your habits so that you can change them into healthier ones that will attract your forever love. 

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