Is It Okay Not to Forgive Someone? 27 Reasons When You Shouldn’t

When you’re in a relationship, there may come a time when you just can’t forgive your partner for what they did. During such a time, it’s normal to ask a question like, “Is it okay not to forgive someone?” 

People may wonder if it’s okay not to forgive someone, mainly because the act is perceived as an acceptance of the ill behavior that needs to be forgiven. Of course, there can be things you can’t forgive in a relationship, and that’s totally fine.

However, you must remember one thing: sometimes, individuals don’t realize the personal fulfillment and benefits forgiveness involves.

When you can make peace with specific misbehavior or wrongdoing in a relationship, not accept nor forget, but find a way to cope and move forward, the results will be a stable, solid, and enduring partnership. 

What about the people who find themselves saying, “I don’t want to forgive?” Not forgiving someone who abused you in some way is your personal choice. But you need to ensure you don’t suffer during this process of not forgiving.

What is forgiveness?

Forgiveness is the act of letting go of the anger and negative feelings associated with abuse or misbehavior directed toward you by a mate, whether intentionally or without ill intent.

When a partner shows remorse for their actions, most significant others strive to make peace with the abuse but face a dilemma – deciding not to forgive someone or pondering if they deserve a second chance.

The importance of forgiveness in a marriage

In a marriage, there will be rough patches, sometimes significant challenges, and even misdeeds that warrant the potential for divorce, but couples do their best to work through the difficulties to avoid that outcome, especially if there are children involved.

According to Grady Shumway, a licensed mental health counselor:

Forgiveness in marriage is essential for nurturing a healthy and lasting relationship. It involves letting go of resentment, anger, and hurt feelings toward your partner and choosing to move forward with compassion and understanding.

By practicing forgiveness, couples can repair trust, strengthen their bond, and cultivate a more resilient partnership capable of overcoming challenges together.

That means finding ways to make peace without excusing the actions; sometimes, that takes a third party.

7 myths about forgiveness

One advantage of forgiving is experiencing a fresh start with a partner after letting go of the resentment and strife you’ve been carrying. Still, the genuine benefits are not all for the sake of a mate but the emotional and physical release that it allows you.

But many people carry fallacies concerning forgiveness, causing them to wonder, “Is it okay not to forgive someone?” Some include: 

1. Forgiveness means forgetting

Forgiveness doesn’t equate to forgetting the wrongdoing. When you forgive someone, it doesn’t mean you erase the memory or ignore the lessons learned. 

Instead, forgiveness allows you to release the hold of bitterness and move forward without letting past hurts continuously affect your emotional state. It’s about healing, not erasing history.

2. Forgiveness requires reconciliation

Many believe that forgiving someone means rebuilding or continuing the relationship. However, forgiveness is about finding peace within yourself. 

Reconciliation might not always be possible or healthy, especially in cases of abuse or deep betrayal. You can forgive without putting yourself back in a harmful situation.

3. Forgiveness is a sign of weakness

On the contrary, forgiveness is a sign of strength. It takes a great deal of emotional maturity and inner strength to forgive someone who has wronged you.

Choosing forgiveness allows you to overcome feelings of resentment and anger, which requires personal courage and resilience.

4. You should forgive someone immediately

Forgiveness cannot be rushed. It’s a personal journey that depends on the depth of the hurt and your emotional readiness. How many times should you forgive someone? 

There is no set number—it’s about when and if you feel ready to forgive, not about keeping score or meeting expectations.

5. If you don’t forgive, you’ll always feel bitter

While holding onto anger and resentment can indeed be harmful to your health, what happens if you can’t forgive someone right away is not always prolonged bitterness.

Sometimes, not forgiving immediately is a part of your emotional processing and healing. It can take time to work through complex feelings and come to a place of forgiveness.

6. Forgiving means the other person gets away with it

Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you condone their actions or that they are free from the consequences of their behavior. 

Forgiveness is more about your emotional freedom than about the other person. It’s about letting go of the burden so you can heal and not carry the weight of someone else’s wrongdoing.

7. You must always forgive

While forgiveness can be profoundly healing, do you have to forgive someone? The answer is no. There are situations “when should you not forgive someone,” particularly if doing so compromises your well-being or safety. Each situation is unique, and sometimes, deciding not to forgive is the healthiest option available.

27 reasons when it’s okay not to forgive someone

Why you should not forgive someone is a tricky question to answer since, in almost every situation, it benefits you to find forgiveness to move forward healthfully for you.

If you look at it on the flip side of the coin, considering what if someone does not forgive you, especially a partner, it will leave you in a state of shame, guilt, sadness, and inability to forgive yourself, leading to emotional distress. 

So, is it okay not to forgive someone? Let’s look at some scenarios in which people feel justified in not doing so.

1. Lies

Lying breaks down trust, something that takes significant time and effort to rebuild if you’re able to reestablish it. Even what might seem like little lies can prove harmful since if you lie about minor things, what else would you hide?

2. Distance

A mate who keeps you at arm’s length in what they presume is an effort to protect you instead disallows the capacity to establish a bond or grow closer, ultimately creating discord and hurting the partnership.

While this might be a scenario when you’re trying not to forgive them, the intention with the effort is not to harm, and intention is everything.

3. Criticize

When you wonder if it is okay not to forgive in a situation where a partner continually makes you feel bad about yourself and causes emotional or mental damage, the response is that you don’t have to forgive. You also don’t need to tolerate such behavior. 

4. Broken heart

A mate who doesn’t fulfill your expectations as the ideal partner and isn’t who you need them to be might be deemed a situation when you do not forgive someone, perhaps because they led you to believe one thing at the start and now wear a different mask. 

5. Changes

Yes – it is okay not to forgive a mate for who they are or not since they can do something about themselves. 

Those who are stuck in a position in life without attempting to grow or evolve and instead blame the world for their stagnation owe themselves an apology before anyone else can forgive them.

As Grady Shumway explains:

Going through changes in a relationship is inevitable and can be both challenging and rewarding. It requires open communication, flexibility, and a willingness to adapt to new circumstances together.

By embracing change as an opportunity for growth, couples can handle transitions more smoothly, deepen their connection, and emerge stronger as they face life’s ups and downs as a team.

6. Past

Generally, you shouldn’t hold someone’s past against them; however, when not to forgive based on history – a partner will not let you forget about their exes. You are continuously being compared to old mates and not presumably adding up.

7. Character

Wondering if it is okay not to forgive someone who assumes you are like everyone else or stereotypes you as a specific type, responsible for their pain and suffering – it is.

8. Betrayal

When you disagree, and your mate chooses to run into the arms of another person automatically, that’s a betrayal of trust, something that you can answer yes to if it is okay not to forgive but instead walk away from.

9. Self-care

When you continue to remind someone of the importance of hygiene and good self-care regimens, but this partner insists on showing up as a messy, unappealing person, it shows a lack of respect for themselves and little respect for you, and it is challenging to forgive.

10. Well-being

When you love someone, their well-being becomes a priority, and vice versa. It is unforgivable when you become less of a priority, and other areas of their lives grow more important, like their finances, work, and friends. 

When a mate neglects you emotionally and physically, it feels like a rejection and can prove damaging to you personally and the relationship as a whole.

11. Accepting love

Is it okay not to forgive someone who dismisses your love because they don’t believe they’re worth it and deny efforts to come with you to attempt therapy to find self-love so they can be accepting of yours? 

It can be challenging to forgive someone who doesn’t want to help themselves instead of remaining a victim.

12. Ego

On the other side of that spectrum, forgiving someone who finds themselves the “be-all” while playing the supporting character in the partnership is even more challenging. 

That means you will always come second to their needs and desires, and no one wants someone who always has to be the center of attention with the world revolving around them.

13. Abuses

Be utterly intolerant of any type of abuse. Forgiveness has no place in a violent or emotionally/mentally abusive situation. These situations need to be left immediately in a safe place. 

14. Let go

Sometimes, you need to ask yourself whether it is okay not to forgive when someone needs to let you go because the partnership is simply not healthy. In that instance, you don’t want to forgive a mate for destroying the relationship, and that’s okay. 

You don’t have to as long as you still move towards wellness and do not repeat the pattern. 

15. Abandon

It is okay not to forgive when someone leaves with no indication of unhappiness, no sign that they’re leaving, with everything seeming fine, just disappears, and you have no idea where he went or if he’s coming back.

16. Absent

Sometimes, it’s okay not to forgive the person who is absent, albeit in the same room, almost like a ghost abandoning you while sitting beside you. There’s no communication, interaction, or affection, but there is a heart-pumping mind that thinks and simulates a relationship. 

17. Reconciliation

A mate might assume that a fight is resolved because they apologize. Now, you should be accepting of them and move forward. The anger dissipates, and life goes back to normal.

It’s okay if you don’t want to reconcile the issue. It depends on what transpired. Only you can determine if you wish to forgive and when healing occurs.

18. Boundaries

When you do forgive, and boundaries are still crossed, it’s okay to take that forgiveness back and send the person on their way. We all set intentions at the start of a relationship and let our mates know what is acceptable and what’s not. 

If a partner steps over that line, we might forgive once and offer a second chance. To do it again is not to be forgiven a second time.

19. Own it

When you show anger to a partner for something that seems trivial but, in reality, the reason you’re upset has an entirely different root, you’re being dishonest with them and yourself. That’s disallowing a fair shot at forgiveness for the genuine problem.

You need to own the real issue and give your mate a chance at redemption.

20. Acceptance

You won’t forgive your partner and are despondent because you believe they will believe that you accept the behavior associated with the apology they’re offering, essentially creating an impasse.

While you don’t condone their actions, you will ultimately heal and, at that point, decide as to whether you can find forgiveness.

21. Trouble is exciting

There is a semblance of excitement to having an ongoing issue that seems to bring you quiet enjoyment because you’re receiving attention from your partner. That can become something you crave, so you drag out the problem, denying forgiveness. 

That’s genuinely an unhealthy mindset that requires forgiveness from your mate.

22. Interaction

A common misperception is that to forgive a mate. You need to speak with them or interact with them to witness your reaction to making peace with the situation. That’s a myth. 

Healing is a personal journey of working through your emotions and the anger and resentment you carry to come to a point of renewed well-being. If you’ve moved on from that person, they don’t need to know that you’ve reached this point.

23. Mutual forgiveness

Forgiveness is something you give without requiring something in return, kind of like you would do with a gift. You give of heart without wondering what you’ll receive. If the other person chooses to reciprocate, that’s a bonus; if not, that’s cool, too. 

Ultimately, your benefit is that you’ve healed because you found peace with the issue. A partner forgiving you will come the moment they heal.

24. Forgive you

When there are problems in a relationship, and it looks as though it’s not going to work out, it’s not always the other person you need to forgive. Sometimes, you need to look internally and find a way to forgive yourself for your part in the demise.

It takes two for a partnership to work, and there are always two roles in its defeat. That doesn’t mean self-blame; it just means being gentle and finding healing and forgiveness within.

25. You don’t want to

Sometimes, we just don’t want to forgive. Call it stubborn pride or no desire. As long as you can progress on a healthy path, you will eventually look back and heal, but it will simply take you more time.

26. Unresolved issues

When issues in the relationship are repeatedly ignored or left unresolved, it can lead to a buildup of resentment and pain. 

If your partner consistently avoids addressing significant problems or making any effort to resolve conflicts, it might be reasonable not to forgive, as continuous neglect can undermine the entire relationship.

27. Manipulation

If forgiveness is being manipulated as a tool to excuse poor behavior without genuine change, it might be justifiable not to forgive. 

When someone repeatedly hurts you and uses forgiveness as a ‘get out of jail free card’ to avoid accountability, maintaining boundaries by not forgiving can be crucial for your emotional health and the integrity of the relationship.

5 helpful ways to forgive your partner and what to say

Forgiving your partner can significantly improve both your relationship and personal well-being. However, the process can be challenging, especially when emotions are high. 

Here are 5 helpful ways to approach forgiveness in a relationship, ensuring that you convey your feelings effectively and pave the way for healing:

1. Express your feelings clearly and calmly

Before you can forgive, it’s essential to express how you’ve been hurt. Use “I” statements to communicate your feelings without blaming your partner, which can lead to defensive responses.

For example, you might say, “I felt hurt when you forgot our anniversary because it made me feel unimportant.” This approach allows you to lay the groundwork for understanding and forgiveness by making your feelings known without escalating the conflict.

2. Listen to your partner’s perspective

Forgiveness is a two-way street. After expressing your feelings, give your partner a chance to share their side of the story. Listening can help you understand their intentions and any extenuating circumstances you might not have been aware of. 

Remember, the goal here is not to win an argument but to foster mutual understanding. For instance, your partner might explain a misunderstanding or stress that contributed to their behavior, providing context that can aid in the forgiveness process.

3. Decide to forgive as an act of compassion

Choose to forgive your partner as an act of compassion for both your partner and yourself. Forgiveness can be a powerful tool for personal peace, reducing the burden of carrying anger and resentment. 

You might say, “I understand that everyone makes mistakes, and I choose to forgive you because I value our relationship and my own peace of mind more than holding onto this grudge.”

4. Set boundaries and seek commitments

Forgiveness doesn’t mean accepting the same hurtful behavior in the future. It’s essential to set clear boundaries and expectations moving forward. Discuss with your partner what you both can do to prevent similar issues.

It might involve agreeing on better communication strategies or scheduling regular check-ins about your relationship’s health. You could say, “Forgiving you means I am choosing to let go of this hurt, but I need us to work together on being more attentive to each other’s needs.”

Watch this video by marriage therapist Steph Anya as she shares 10 tips for good communication in a relationship:

5. Reinforce your forgiveness with positive reinforcement

After you’ve forgiven your partner, actively work on rebuilding trust and affection. This could involve acknowledging the efforts your partner makes to change or simply expressing affection more regularly. 

Reinforcing your forgiveness with positive interactions can help heal the relationship and build a stronger bond moving forward. For example, you might say, “I really appreciate how you’ve been making an effort to listen to me more. It means a lot to me and helps me feel closer to you.”

FAQs

Forgiveness is a complex aspect of relationships that can deeply affect both emotional well-being and interpersonal dynamics. Here are answers to some frequently asked questions about forgiveness:

• What happens when we don’t forgive someone?

Not forgiving can lead to harboring resentment, increased stress, and ongoing conflict. It might hinder personal peace and strain the relationship further, keeping both parties stuck in a cycle of negativity.

• Can you not forgive someone and still love them?

Yes, it is possible to love someone and not forgive them. Love is a deep, enduring emotion, whereas forgiveness is a choice or process that might be contingent on resolving feelings of hurt or betrayal. The presence of love doesn’t automatically equate to the readiness or obligation to forgive.

• Is it unhealthy to not forgive someone?

Holding onto grudges can be unhealthy, as it often leads to emotional distress and bitterness that can affect mental health. Not forgiving might keep you fixated on past hurts, preventing emotional healing and potentially leading to anxiety and depression.

• Can you accept but not forgive?

Acceptance and forgiveness are different processes. You can accept what happened as part of your reality—recognizing that it cannot be changed—without forgiving the person responsible. Acceptance can be a step toward healing, even if forgiveness isn’t part of the journey.

Final thoughts

So, is it okay not to forgive someone? In reality, if you’re allowing problems to sit and fester within you, it’s wise to reach out for individual therapy or even couples counseling if your partner has caused the distress and you can’t find a way to forgive.

A professional can help you sift through the issues to find a path to healing the problem. That doesn’t mean you’ll accept what’s happened. It simply means you’ll let yourself move forward.

Stuck in conflict and unsure how to move forward together?

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The Marriage.com Editorial Team is a group of experienced relationship writers, experts, and mental health professionals. We provide practical and research-backed advice on relationships. Our content is thoroughly reviewed by experts... Read more to ensure that we offer high-quality and reliable relationship advice. Read less