11 Tips for Living With a Husband Who is Always Putting You Down

It’s hard for all of us to know if the person we just met is abusive or not.

They are everywhere, and they are hard to avoid. These people are masters of manipulation.

Often masked by good looks, sweet gestures, caring and can even spoil you until you fall for them.

Like a trap, we are already inside the cage of an abusive relationship before we realize it, making it hard to escape.

“My husband puts me down, and I don’t know why.”

Is this your reality? If so, then you need to know what’s behind your husband’s belittling behavior and how you can deal with it.

What does it mean when your husband constantly puts you down?

“My husband puts me down, but I don’t know why he’s doing it.”

The man you married, who used to be sweet and gentle, has now started belittling you. You don’t even know where it all started.  

Another word term for putting you down is “belittling.”  

It can be dissected into two words, “be” and “little,” which means to make you feel inferior, unworthy, or small. 

It’s easy to identify what being put down means, but what’s hard is to know where you stand in your relationship.  

You might not realize it, but you may already be in a toxic relationship.  

Have you ever asked yourself why your husband puts you down? 

There could be many reasons why your spouse puts you down. The most common of these are:

• He’s a perfectionist
• He’s upset with you
• He’s no longer happy
• He has an affair
• It makes him feel superior
• He’s abusive 

You have to understand that abuse is not always visible, and it doesn’t need any reason. 

Many verbal and emotional fits of abuse begin as “harmless” comments that lead to putting you down. 

Sometimes the comments your spouse can use to put you down can be passed off as a joke, especially when there are other people around. 

Related Reading: 6 Effective Ways to How to Stop Your Husband from Yelling at You 

The dangers when your husband constantly puts you down

“My husband puts me down, and I’m deeply hurt.”

When your husband puts you down, it’s not just the words that hurt you. It also strains your relationships and can have long-lasting effects on you.

Men who put you down and use remarks, such as:

“You can’t do anything right.”

“Look at yourself. You look like trash.”

“I don’t want you speaking with my friends. They would laugh if they knew how dumb you are.”

“Wow! You look terrible! Don’t come close to me!” followed by, “I’m just joking!”

Some might accept these comments as jokes, constructive criticism, or just mere brutal honesty.

However, this mindset is very wrong.

Over time the way your husband speaks to you will become your reality.

If your husband is always putting you down, this can lead to gaslighting.

You might find yourself questioning yourself, your judgment, feelings, and your reality.

Your confidence will decline, and you will feel inferior, not with your husband but with everyone.

8 belittling language to watch out for

“I feel like my husband puts me down, but I’m not sure.”

Belittling or putting you down is already a form of abuse. It can take different forms, and here are the eight belittling languages to watch out for:

1. Trivializing

“So? Is that it? Even a six-year-old could do that.”

It’s when your spouse gives remarks that aim to trivialize your achievements, goals, feelings, and even your experiences. Instead of being proud of you, he’ll make you feel that your achievements are worthless.

Related Reading: What Is Nitpicking in Relationships and How to Stop It

2. Criticism

“Just stay at home. You don’t have what it takes. You’ll be a laughing stock.”

These are criticisms and hurtful comments that will only focus on your negative traits or weaknesses. It aims to discourage you and make you feel insecure.

3. Insults

“You’re worthless.”

Direct insults or put-downs are words that, like a bullet, will pierce through your heart. You’d feel inferior and broken after hearing these words.

Related Reading: 10 Signs of an Abusive Wife and How to Deal with It

4. Condescension

“Oh my! Change your outfit! You look like a clown!”

These words can be turned into jokes, but they can also be blunt and harsh. It aims to embarrass and shame the person.

5. Put-downs

“I’m the reason you’re living a good life! You’re so unappreciative!”

These comments aim to shame and impart guilt to one person. It can also be a form of emotional blackmail.

6. Manipulation

“You know what, because you’re so immature and unprofessional, no one wants to invest in our business. It’s all on you!”

Your spouse will try to manipulate the situation to make it look like it’s your fault.

Related Reading: How to Recognize and Handle Manipulation in Relationships

7. Discounting

“Remember when you said you wanted to invest? Look what it did to us. How can I trust you again?”

These words or accusations aim to bring back failures or mistakes and to discourage and belittle you in any way possible. It can crush your dreams and self-confidence.

8. Undermining  

“You don’t know how this works. You can’t even complete a simple task, and you expect me to listen to you?”

Your husband will put you down by judging your competency. He will find a way to attack your weaknesses and make it look like you can’t do anything right.

Also Try: When to Call It Quits in a Relationship Quiz

My husband puts me down. Do we still have a chance to make it work?

“My husband puts me down, and I’m getting tired of it, but I don’t know how to deal with it.”

Before we provide the different ways to handle your husband putting you down, let’s first understand that there are two types of cases here.

• Case 1

Spouse got the chance to do it or have resentment towards his wife. He may not know that he’s already making a habit of putting down his wife and is not aware of the dangers and effects of it.

We can still work on this. It will be tough, but if you ask if there’s a chance to make it work, there is.

• Case 2

Your husband knows what he’s doing, and he’s enjoying it. He knows he’s destroying you and your relationship, and he doesn’t care. He’s abusive, and there is no way you can still change this person.

If you are experiencing abuse, please do seek help.

11 tips if you’re married with someone who puts you down

“He puts me down, and I want to do something about it. Where do I start?”

Here are 11 tips on how you can deal with your husband if he’s always putting you down.

1. Listen to the comments

You may try to justify the words or even ignore the hurtful words. Don’t do that. Listen to the words and know when your husband is already belittling you. You must know what type of belittling language he’s using.

These belittling words can’t put you down if you know they are not true.

2. Secure your self-esteem

Your husband may be putting you down because he thinks he can. He knows your self-esteem isn’t that solid and that he could get away with leaving hurtful comments.

Work on your self-esteem and show them that you’re unbreakable.

Also Try: Do I Have Low Self-esteem Quiz

3. Learn to detach

Words hurt if they come from your husband. They can ruin your day, your self-esteem, and even your happiness, but learn to detach from this.

There will be times where it’s best to ignore your husband and his efforts to put you down.

4. Keep calm

“Why does my partner put me down? It makes me so angry!”

That’s correct. These words can also trigger anger, resentment, and other negative emotions, but only if you let them. Don’t let your husband’s words put you down and drag you into his world of negativity.

Keep calm and be in control.

It’s hard to control anger, but here are four ways on how to turn off your anxiety and other harmful emotions by Emma McAdam, a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.

5. Make yourself better

He constantly reminds you of your shortcomings, but will you let him?

Be better. Set your goals, strive to get them. Realize that you don’t need anyone’s approval to be successful or happy.

Remember, the person who is trying to put you down is the one who’s trying to prove something.

Related Reading: 4 Things To Do To Make Your Love Life Better

6. Accept that you’re hurt

If your husband tries to pass the insult as a joke, don’t laugh or accept that he might have a bad sense of humor.

Accept that his words hurt, and you want to stop it before it becomes a habit.

Talk to someone you trust. Ask for help if needed and if it’s possible, talk to your husband about this behavior.

7. Talk about it

“Why does my husband put me down? I want to know why.”

The best way to understand if your husband is just not aware that he’s hurting you is to confront him.

Ask him for the best time to talk and confront him. Open up and be honest about what his words make you feel.

Tell him what he’s doing to you, the effects, and what you want to happen.

If you don’t do this, you won’t stop this cycle.

Related Reading: How to Talk to Your Crush and Make Them Like You Back

8. Start your conversation on a good note

When the time comes that you would have a serious conversation, try to start on a pleasant note.

This will help the both of you be calm as you discuss this important part of your marriage.

Try starting your conversation with your husband’s good qualities.

“I know you’re a good provider and father to our kids, and I appreciate you.”

This way, it will prevent your husband from getting negative at the start of the conversation.

9. Set a code or sign

“My husband puts me down, but we’re trying to make it work.”

This means progress if your husband realizes his mistake and tries to be better, have patience, and support him.

You can use a code or a sign to let your partner know if he’s doing it again.

Using codes or signals is a great way to express what you’re feeling and a way for him to stop right away.

Also Try: What Is Wrong with My Husband Quiz

10. Set a boundary

Though, warnings or signals aren’t the best that you can do. You can also set a boundary to let your husband know that you will not be a victim of belittling or verbal abuse.

Of course, don’t threaten your husband by withholding sex or ending your marriage. It doesn’t work that way.

Instead, set the boundary as protection and not to manipulate your spouse.

11. Seek professional help

If you think your husband is having a hard time dealing, but you also see that he’s willing, then maybe, he needs professional help.

There’s nothing wrong with this idea. A therapist can help your husband battle this habit and can even help both of you work on your issues if there are any.

Licensed therapists can help you with what you’re going through.

What if everything else fails?

While it can be difficult, if all else fails, there’s only one way to deal with this – to end the relationship.

Marriage will not work if your husband keeps putting you down. If your relationship is an ongoing cycle of belittling and being sorry, then it’s not worth it.

You don’t need your husband’s or anyone’s approval. You can call it quits if you think nothing will change his behavior.

Also Try: Do I Need Therapy Quiz?

Conclusion

“My husband puts me down, and I’m hurting. Is there something wrong with me?”

If you’re experiencing belittling or gaslighting, it’s not your fault.

If your husband isn’t aware of the harmful effects of putting you down, then you have to take the stand and talk to him.

Try your best to work on this together. Seek help if needed. Try to work it out but also learn how to deal with a spouse who belittles you.

What if you’re already in an abusive relationship?

If putting you down isn’t enough and your husband is already gaslighting you and even shows other abusive signs, then it’s time to end it.

There is no way an abusive person can change. You’ll only be trapped in a vicious cycle of abuse and victim-blaming. Ask for help and support.

Find the courage to end the cage of abuse. Don’t be a victim and find your way out of that abusive relationship.