Most people desire to find someone they love and to share a life together, but some people may struggle to form a successful relationship. If you have had several failed relationships or just can’t seem to connect with anyone, you may eventually find yourself wondering, “Will I ever find love?”
You may also begin to feel depressed and think, “No one will ever love me!” If this sounds like you, there are some things you may need to consider before deciding you’ll never be successful at finding the love you want.
10 Reasons it is so difficult to find someone you love
Letting love find you can be difficult, even when you want someone so bad. If you have failed time and time again to find a loving relationship, you may be struggling with some of the following:
1. You aren’t willing to do the work
Relationships certainly have their benefits, but they do require work.
Over time, couples who are in long-term relationships will encounter conflict and differences of opinion. If you are not willing to accept conflict as normal and put in the work to resolve your differences, you may never find lasting love.
If this is the case, you may be afraid to open yourself up to people.
3. There are other priorities in your life
Maybe you’ve been so focused on your career or your personal goals that you haven’t set aside enough time or put forth the effort required to have a meaningful relationship.
4. Your standards are too high
Sometimes, we may create this vision in our head of the perfect partner, and if someone falls short in any way, we determine that they cannot possibly be the one for us.
The reality is that there is no perfect person or perfect partner, and if you are holding people to impossibly high standards, you may be missing out on a loving relationship.
5. You have unrealistic perceptions of what love means
If you base your understanding of love on the fairytale romances displayed on television and in movies, you may think you haven’t found love unless you have the ideal relationship.
Remember that all relationships involve conflict, and it is unlikely that looking for a new love will result in a magical whirlwind romance.
6. Fear of commitment leads you to seek out surface-level relationships
It may be that you’re afraid of settling down with someone, so instead of looking for love, you are engaging in casual relationships or hookups. This type of interaction is unlikely to lead to lasting love.
If you’re looking to find love, it is important not to rush, as you may end up in the wrong relationship. The wrong relationship isn’t better than being alone, so while you wait to meet the right person, there are positive steps you can take:
1. Focus on your career
Establishing a strong career and getting your finances in order will set you up for a successful relationship because you will be less likely to bring financial baggage to the table that harms a new relationship.
2. Engage in hobbies
When you aren’t in a relationship, you should have plenty of time to explore your own hobbies, so now is the time to do the things you love. You may even find someone who has things in common with you if you take time to explore your passions.
3. Focus on your own health and fitness
Going to the gym to get in shape and become the healthiest version of yourself can be helpful when you’re looking for a new love.
In fact, research shows that physical activity is associated with higher levels of self-esteem, so staying active may help you to feel more confident in yourself.
4. Take time to travel
Being single doesn’t have to be a negative thing because it gives you time to focus on yourself. Now is the time for adventure.
Take that trip you’ve always wanted to take, so you’re ready to settle down when you do find the love you need.
5. Turn into the best version of yourself
No one is perfect, and a healthy, loving relationship requires you to accept your partner’s flaws. That being said, if you have bad habits you want to change, now is the time to do so.
Eliminating bad habits like smoking or failing to keep up with a clean house can save you from conflict when you do begin a relationship.
Even if you’re enjoying your single life, you probably eventually want to settle down and find someone. If this is the case, you have to get out and socialize, as you’ll never meet someone while sitting at home.
Accept invitations to attend social gatherings and develop connections with other people.
7. Cultivate your friendships
When you enter a serious relationship, you’re likely to have less time for friends, so now is the time to nurture your friendships.
Your friends are likely to be around for life, regardless of whether your future romantic relationships fail, so it’s important to have strong friendships.
8. Evaluate where you have room for change
When you are wondering if one day love will find you, you might have to take some time to engage in self-evaluation.
It’s easy to blame past partners for our failed relationships, but maybe you’re bringing something to the table that makes it difficult to let love find you.
Evaluate where past relationships went wrong, including what role you played, so you can avoid similar mistakes in the future.
9. Consider therapy
If you bring emotional baggage to the table, it may be time to consider going to therapy to work through your own issues before you enter a relationship.
We all have a history, and if past trauma or pain is stopping you from finding love, it is important to work through this before beginning a relationship.
10. Learn some life skills
If you’re looking for love, you may eventually find yourself moving in with your partner.
If you have already learned important life skills, like how to make basic household repairs and how to manage finances, you’ll be better prepared for a successful partnership.
20 things to remember when finding the love you want
If you’re waiting to find someone to love, there are 20 things you may want to keep in mind, so you can be more realistic about the process:
1. The ideal version of love in your mind may not exist
Fairytale romances make for good movies, but this type of love probably doesn’t exist in real life. Love doesn’t have to match what you see on TV to be real and meaningful.
2. It’s important to relax
Putting too much pressure on yourself can backfire, as you may rush into an unhealthy relationship or make yourself so anxious that you are unable to get out and meet people.
Relax, and trust that if you are meant to be with someone, it will happen.
3. Love won’t magically make your life perfect
It’s not unusual for people to believe that finding the perfect person will make life better. While healthy relationships can bring happiness to your life, they will not suddenly erase all of your problems.
It is never a good idea to let all of your happiness rest on one person, either, so do not expect love to be the answer to all of your problems.
4. You have to take responsibility for finding love
If you find yourself wondering, “How do I find love?
The answer is that you have to take responsibility for it yourself. You cannot expect to sit idly and wait for love to simply show up on your doorstep.
5. You’re going to have to stop being negative
It’s natural to feel a little down on yourself if you can’t seem to find love, but having a negative outlook is only going to make matters worse.
If you speak negatively about yourself or have an overall negative disposition, you probably aren’t going to attract someone into your life.
Check out this video on why is it important to think positive about yourself and how it can impact in helping you go ahead in life:
6. Staying home all the time is not an option
You may have gotten comfortable sitting at home on the couch with Netflix and some salty snacks, but you’re never going to find love this way. You will likely have to step outside your comfort zone to find the man or woman of your dreams.
7. It’s important to establish a solid foundation for yourself
You don’t need to be in a relationship to go after your career goals or to buy your own home.
Go after these things now, and you’ll be in a good position to commit to a relationship.
8. You must accept that you deserve love
If you have had trouble finding love in the past, you may have come to believe that you do not deserve the kind of loving relationship you want.
It is important to stray away from this mindset because the reality is that you are deserving of the love and respect you desire.
9. It’s time to toss out your idea of the ideal significant other
While you’re waiting for love to find you, get rid of any ideas that you have about what the ideal romantic partner looks like.
No one will be able to live up to perfection, and when you meet the love of your life, you will be willing to compromise and accept their quirks and imperfections.
10. Don’t be afraid to ask for help
Perhaps your friends know someone who would be a great match for you, or maybe someone at your local gym knows a person who is looking for love.
Don’t be afraid to make it known that you’re in the market for a relationship, and ask others to keep you in the loop about any potential love matches they have in mind for you.
11. Learn to be happy with yourself
If you rely upon someone else to make you happy, you will never find a loving relationship, because no one can make you happy 100% of the time, and even your significant other is not responsible for ensuring your happiness at every moment.
Learn to be happy with yourself by accepting yourself and finding happiness doing things you love, and you will attract a loving relationship.
12. Don’t focus only on falling in love
One day love will find you, but you cannot focus so much attention on the love that all of your eggs fall in one basket.
Give other areas of your life, such as career, hobbies, and friendships, the attention they deserve, and love will come.
13. Go out on dates
It may seem obvious, but some people who find themselves thinking, “I just want someone to love me!” have never made a real effort at dating.
Finding the love of your life will probably take effort, and you may have to go on a few dates before you find the right match.
When you’re stuck in a cycle of looking for new love, and no relationship ever seems to work out, you may begin to blame yourself, but it is important not to put yourself down.
Sometimes two people just aren’t compatible, and it doesn’t mean you are unworthy of love. Failed relationships simply mean you haven’t found the right person yet, or perhaps you’re not yet ready to find this person.
15. You might have to practice forgiveness
Everyone makes mistakes, so if you want to let love find you, you might have to forgive your partner for honest mistakes instead of letting every mistake be a reason to end a new relationship.
16. Being more realistic might be necessary
It is very unlikely that anyone you meet will ever check off every single box on your list of preferred qualities in a significant other.
You might have to set more realistic standards and accept someone who is compatible with you and meets most of your preferences.
17. Love at first sight may not be a reality
Some people have a “falling in love story” in which they recall feeling an instant connection with their partner but don’t write someone off simply because it didn’t feel like, “Love at first sight.”
It is entirely possible to fall in love over time rather than instantly.
18. Be prepared to discuss difficult topics
Relationships can go sour when difficult discussions are avoided.
Falling in love is meant to be an enjoyable experience, but if you are putting too much pressure on yourself to find the one, you might find that it becomes a source of anxiety rather than a source of pleasure.
Try to enjoy yourself and revel in the positive moments.
20. Consider dating someone different
If all of your past relationships have failed, perhaps you are looking for love in the wrong places.
For instance, maybe you are going after people who are emotionally unavailable, or perhaps you always date someone who is exactly like you. Consider someone different, and you might discover that you are more successful at finding the love you want.
Learning to practice self-love while looking for love
Another important factor to consider when looking for love is the significance of self-love. If you have found yourself lamenting, “No one will ever love me!” it may be that you haven’t learned how to first love yourself.
When you lack self-love, you will not be able to attract people who truly care for you. Be intentional about speaking kindly to yourself, viewing yourself positively, and changing any negative attitudes you have toward yourself so that you can let love find you.
Those who are wondering, “Will I ever find love?” may have some of the following frequently asked questions:
1. What is the fear of never finding love called?
While there isn’t really a fear associated with never finding love, the fear of falling in love, which may be the reason you’ve never found love, is called philophobia.
2. What are the chances of finding love?
It is difficult to calculate a person’s exact chances of finding love, but the majority of the U.S. population has cohabited with a partner at some point between the ages of 18 and 44, suggesting that the chances of finding love are in your favor if you put in the effort.
3. At what age should you find love?
There is no exact “right” age to find love, and in fact, many people wait until later in life to find love.
Some people may create rules and tell themselves they must settle down and get married by a certain age, but it is a myth that you cannot find love in older age.
4. What things can stop a person from finding love?
If you are wondering, “Will I ever find love?” there may be some roadblocks that are standing in your way.
Some things that can stop a person from finding love include setting standards that are too high, having unrealistic expectations for love, being afraid to get hurt, having a fear of commitment, or being unwilling to put in the work to resolve conflict and achieve lasting love.
5. How do you know you will never find love?
If your relationships have failed time and time again, and you hold an idealized view of love in your mind, or you are not willing to lower your standards and accept a less-than-perfect partner, you may never find love.
6. Is it ok to never find love?
Ultimately, it is acceptable to never settle down and find love.
If you have other priorities in life, such as pursuing your own passions or furthering your career, love simply may not be a priority.
There is nothing wrong with choosing to be single forever, so long as you are happy with the arrangement. On the other hand, if you are worried that no one will ever love you, there are changes you can make to find love.
It is certainly okay to choose to be single, but if you find yourself wondering, “How do I find love?” you may need to make some changes to give yourself a better chance at having a successful relationship.
Many people long to establish a loving relationship, but commitment issues, high standards, and unrealistic expectations can get in the way. Fortunately, there are ways to change your outlook so that you can be successful with finding the love you want.
If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married.
Jenni Jacobsen is a licensed social worker with a master's degree in social work from The Ohio State University, and she is in the process of completing her dissertation for a Doctorate of Philosophy in Psychology. She has worked in the social work field for 8 years and is currently a professor at Mount Vernon Nazarene University. She writes website content about mental health, addiction, and fitness.
Licensed as both a social worker through Ohio Board of Counselors, Social Workers, and Marriage/Family Therapists and school social worker through Ohio Department of Education as well as a personal trainer through American Council on Exercise.