Why My Husband Puts Me Down: 15 Coping Strategies

In today’s world, relationships come in all shapes and sizes, and sometimes, they can be challenging to navigate. If you’ve found yourself wondering, “Why does my husband put me down,” you might not be alone. 

Here, we will aim to shed light on this issue and understand the possible reasons behind your husband’s belittling behavior and how to deal with it.

What does it mean when your husband constantly puts you down?

“My husband constantly puts me down, but I don’t know why he’s doing it.” The man you married, who used to be sweet and gentle, has now started belittling you. You don’t even know where it all started. 

Identifying what being put down means might be easy, but knowing where you stand in your relationship can be challenging. You might not realize it, but you may already be in a toxic relationship. Have you ever asked yourself why your husband puts you down?

There could be many reasons why your husband puts you down. However, some of the common reasons might include:

• Perfectionism: Some individuals have high standards and may expect perfection from themselves and those around them. They may respond by putting others down when they perceive imperfections or mistakes.
• Emotional upset: Emotions can run high in relationships. When your husband is upset or frustrated, he may, unfortunately, choose to express these feelings through belittling behavior.
• Unhappiness: If your husband is no longer happy in the relationship, he may put you down to cope with his dissatisfaction.
• Infidelity: In some cases, a partner may put their spouse down due to guilt or as a way to justify their actions, such as having an affair.
• Desire for superiority: Some people engage in belittling behavior to boost their ego and feel superior to their partner.
• Abusive tendencies: Unfortunately, some individuals exhibit abusive behavior without a clear reason. Whether verbal or emotional, abuse is never justified and should never be tolerated in a relationship.

You must understand that abuse is not always visible and doesn’t need any reason. Many verbal and emotional fits of abuse begin as “harmless” comments that can lead to putting you down. 

Sometimes, the comments your spouse can use to put you down can be passed off as a joke, especially when others are around.

The dangers when your husband constantly puts you down

“My husband puts me down, and I’m deeply hurt.” When your husband puts you down, it’s not just the words that hurt you. It can also strain your relationships and can have long-lasting effects on you.

Men who put you down can use remarks such as:

• “You can’t do anything right.”
• “Look at yourself. You look like trash.”
• “I don’t want you speaking with my friends. They would laugh if they knew how dumb you are.”
• “Wow! You look terrible! Don’t come close to me!” followed by, “I’m just joking!”

Some might accept these comments as jokes, constructive criticism, or brutal honesty. However, this mindset can have a negative effect on you. Over time, how your husband speaks to you may become your reality. If your husband constantly puts you down, this can lead to gaslighting.

You might find yourself questioning yourself, judgment, feelings, and reality. Your confidence may decline, and you might feel inferior, not with your husband but with everyone.

8 belittling language to watch out for

“I feel like my husband puts me down, but I’m unsure.” Belittling or putting you down can already be a form of abuse. It can take different forms, and here are a few belittling languages to watch out for:

1. Trivializing

“So? Is that it? Even a six-year-old could do that.” It’s when your spouse gives remarks that may aim to trivialize your achievements, goals, feelings, and experiences. Instead of being proud of you, he may make you feel your achievements are worthless.

2. Criticism

“Just stay at home. You don’t have what it takes. You’ll be a laughing stock.” These criticisms and hurtful comments may only focus on your negative traits or weaknesses. It may aim to discourage you and make you feel insecure.

3. Insults

“You’re worthless.” Direct insults or put-downs are words that, like a bullet, can pierce through your heart. You may feel inferior and broken after hearing these words.

These hurtful remarks can have a long-lasting impact on your self-esteem and emotional well-being, leaving scars that may take time and support to heal.

4. Condescension

“Oh my! Change your outfit! You look like a clown!” These words can be turned into jokes, but they can also be blunt and harsh. It may aim to embarrass and shame the person.

5. Put-downs

“I’m the reason you’re living a good life! You’re so unappreciative!” These comments aim to shame and impart guilt to one person. It can also be a form of emotional blackmail.

6. Manipulation

“You know what, because you’re so immature and unprofessional, no one wants to invest in our business. It’s all on you!” Your spouse may try to manipulate the situation to make it look like it’s your fault.

7. Discounting

“Remember when you said you wanted to invest? Look what it did to us. How can I trust you again?” These words or accusations aim to bring back failures or mistakes and to discourage and belittle you in any way possible. It can crush your dreams and self-confidence.

8. Undermining

“You don’t know how this works. You can’t even complete a simple task and expect me to listen to you?” Your husband may put you down by judging your competency. He can find a way to attack your weaknesses and make it look like you can’t do anything right.

My husband puts me down. Do we still have a chance to make it work?

“My husband always puts me down, and I’m getting tired of it, but I don’t know how to deal with it.” Before we provide the different ways to handle your husband putting you down, let’s first understand that there can be two types of cases here.

• Case 1

Spouse got the chance to do it or have resentment toward his partner. He may not know that he’s already making a habit of putting down his partner and might not be aware of the dangers and effects of it.

However, you can still work on this. It can be challenging, but if you ask if there’s a chance to make it work, there might be.

• Case 2

Your husband knows what he’s doing and might be enjoying it. He knows he’s negatively affecting you and the relationship and doesn’t care. He’s abusive, and there might be no way you can still change this person. If you are experiencing abuse, please do seek help.

15 tips if you’re married to someone who puts you down

“He puts me down, and I want to do something about it. Where do I start?” Living in a marriage where your partner constantly puts you down can be emotionally distressing and challenging. Such behavior can harm your well-being and the relationship’s overall health. 

If you find yourself in this situation, it’s crucial to take proactive steps to address the issue and seek a healthier, more respectful partnership. Here are some effective tips to consider when navigating a marriage with a spouse who puts you down:

1. Listen to the comments

You may try to justify the words or even ignore the hurtful words. Don’t do that. Listen to the words and know when your husband is already belittling you. You must know what type of belittling language he’s using.

These belittling words can’t put you down if you know they are invalid.

2. Secure your self-esteem

Your husband may be putting you down because he thinks he can. He may know your self-esteem isn’t that solid and that he could get away with leaving hurtful comments. Work on your self-esteem and show them that you’re unbreakable.

3. Learn to detach

Words hurt if they come from your husband. They can ruin your day, self-esteem, and happiness, but learn to detach from this. Sometimes, it might be best to ignore your husband and his efforts to put you down.

4. Keep calm

“Why my husband puts me down? It makes me so angry!” That’s correct. These words can also trigger anger, resentment, and other negative emotions, but only if you let them. Don’t let your husband’s words put you down and drag you into his world of negativity.

Keep calm and be in control. 

5. Make yourself better

He constantly reminds you of your shortcomings, but will you let him? Be better, set your goals, and strive to get them. Realize that you don’t need anyone’s approval to be successful or happy.

Remember, the person who is trying to put you down is the one who’s trying to prove something.

6. Accept that you’re hurt

“My husband always jokingly insults me, making me sad.” If your husband tries to make the insult a joke, don’t laugh or accept that he might have a lousy sense of humor. Accept that his words hurt; you want to stop it before it becomes a habit.

Talk to someone you trust. Ask for help if needed; if possible, talk to your husband about this behavior.

7. Talk about it

“Why does my husband put me down? I want to know why.” The best way to understand if your husband is unaware that he’s hurting you is to confront him.

Ask him for the best time to talk and confront him. Open up and be honest about what his words make you feel. Tell him what he’s doing to you, the effects, and what you want to change. If you don’t do this, you won’t stop this cycle.

8. Start your conversation on a good note

When the time comes that you would have a serious conversation, try to start on a pleasant note. This will help both of you be calm as you discuss this important part of your marriage. Try starting your conversation with your husband’s good qualities.

“I know you’re a good provider and father to our kids, and I appreciate you.” This way, it may prevent your husband from getting negative at the start of the conversation.

9. Set a code or sign

“My husband puts me down, but we’re trying to make it work.” This means progress if your husband realizes his mistake and tries to improve; have patience and support him.

You can use a code or a sign to let your partner know if he’s doing it again. Using codes or signals is a great way to express what you’re feeling and a way for him to stop right away.

10. Set a boundary

Sometimes, warnings or signals aren’t the best thing you can do. You can also set boundaries to let your husband know you will not be a derogatory or verbal abuse victim.

Of course, avoid threatening your husband by withholding sex or ending your marriage. It may not work that way. Instead, set the boundary as protection and not to manipulate your spouse.

11. Seek professional help

If you think your husband is having difficulty dealing, but you also see that he’s willing, then maybe he needs professional help.

There’s nothing wrong with this idea. A therapist can help your husband battle this habit and can even help both of you work on your issues, if there are any. Licensed therapists can help you with what you’re going through.

Related Readings: https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/what-to-do-when-husband-belittles-you/

12. Maintain a support network

Living with a partner who constantly puts you down can be isolating. Maintaining a strong support network of friends and family who can provide emotional support and a listening ear is essential. 

Share your feelings and experiences with them to gain perspective and reassurance.

13. Practice assertiveness

Developing assertiveness skills can be empowering when dealing with a spouse who puts you down. Learn to express your thoughts, feelings, and boundaries calmly and assertively. 

Doing this may help you communicate your needs and expectations without confrontation or aggression.

14. Self-care is paramount

Taking care of your physical and emotional well-being is crucial. Engage in self-care activities that boost your confidence and reduce stress. You can do this via exercise, meditation, hobbies, or spending time with loved ones. Prioritize self-care to maintain resilience and a positive outlook.

Watch Dr. Jordan B. Peterson as he explains the boundaries between selfishness and self-care in this video:

15. Document instances of belittling behavior

My husband puts me down; should I keep track of it? Keep a record of instances where your spouse puts you down. Document the date, time, location, and what was said or done. 

A record can be valuable if you seek professional help, legal advice or eventually discuss the issue with your spouse. It can provide tangible evidence of the behavior and its impact, making it easier to address and work toward a resolution. 

Additionally, documenting these instances can help you gain transparency on the frequency and severity of the problem, which can inform your decisions moving forward.

What if everything else fails?

While it can be difficult, if all else fails, there’s only one way to deal with this – to end the relationship. A marriage can not work if your husband keeps putting you down. If your relationship is an ongoing cycle of belittling and being sorry, it’s not worth it.

You don’t need your husband’s or anyone’s approval. You can call it quits if you think nothing will change his behavior.

Commonly asked questions

In relationships, challenges can arise that may demand understanding and careful navigation. Let’s explore some commonly asked questions about dealing with difficult marital and partnership situations.

• What does it mean when your partner keeps putting you down?

When your partner constantly puts you down, it can be a sign of emotional abuse and a lack of respect in the relationship. This behavior can erode your self-esteem and damage your mental health. It may indicate underlying issues within the relationship that need to be addressed.

• How do you deal with a demeaning husband?

Dealing with a demeaning husband requires a thoughtful approach. Firstly, communicate openly about your feelings and set clear boundaries. Seek couples therapy or individual counseling to address the underlying issues. 

Focus on self-care, maintain a support network, and consider legal options if the behavior persists and becomes intolerable. Your well-being should always be a priority.

In conclusion

“My husband puts me down, and It hurts. Is there something wrong with me?” If you’re experiencing belittling or gaslighting, it’s not your fault. If your husband isn’t aware of the harmful effects of putting you down, you must take a stand and talk to him.

Try your best to work on this together. Seek help if needed. Try to work it out, but also learn to deal with a spouse who belittles you. However, what if you’re already in an abusive relationship?

If putting you down isn’t enough, and your husband is already gaslighting you and even shows other abusive signs, it might be the time to end it.

It can be difficult for an abusive person to change. You might only be trapped in a vicious cycle of abuse and victim-blaming. Ask for help and support. Find the courage to end the cage of abuse. Don’t be a victim; find your way out of that abusive relationship.

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Rachael Pace Author

Rachael Pace is a noted relationship writer associated with Marriage.com. She provides inspiration, support, and empowerment in the form of motivational articles and essays. Rachael enjoys studying the evolution of loving partnerships... Read more and is passionate about writing on them. She believes that everyone should make room for love in their lives and encourages couples to work on overcoming their challenges together. Read less

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