15 Kind Ways on How to Forgive an Affair and Self-Heal

It usually starts as an instinct. When two people know each other’s habits, behaviors, and personalities, radar soars when these shift in any way from the norm. It makes it challenging to figure out how to forgive the husband for an affair. 

Doubting that your spouse is cheating can be devastating, but worse than that is figuring out what to do if your fears are validated. Can you figure out how to forgive an affair?

Keep in mind that some men will contemplate an affair but not act on the behavior. While it can be construed as innocent, it’s still a problem that needs counseling to work through the underlying reasons. 

A partner will consider it almost as much of a betrayal and find forgiving a husband difficult.

According to Dionne Eleanor Reid, an experienced transformational coach:

Forgiveness doesn’t mean condoning the wrong; it means freeing yourself from the burden of carrying anger and hurt.

Why do men cheat?

Men cheat for various complex reasons, including emotional dissatisfaction, the thrill of novelty, or unmet needs within their relationships. It’s not just about physical desires; often, it’s an escape from underlying issues they’re not addressing directly. 

This betrayal can deeply hurt the partner on the receiving end, leading to a significant trust breach. However, the journey of forgiving infidelity is a personal choice that involves much introspection, empathy, and communication. Forgiving after infidelity doesn’t excuse the action but can be a step towards healing and understanding. 

It’s about finding peace and deciding whether to rebuild the relationship or move on independently. Forgiveness after infidelity is a powerful process that marks the beginning of a new chapter, whether together or apart.

Dionne Eleanor Reid highlights that:

An affair is a reflection of someone else’s choices, usually poor ones. It is not a verdict on your value or future.

Telltale signs of a cheating husband

When you’re feeling particularly suspicious, you’ll generally note numerous telltale signs that your husband is having an affair. Typically, behaviors change, wherein if a partner was once affectionate and attentive, he might be distant and more secretive than usual. 

Check out some serious signs of cheating here that will help you spot betrayal and eliminate any confusion that might be holding you back. 

But ultimately, if you notice your mate behaving entirely out of character, remember it’s time to intervene with a direct question.

How does a husband act when he is cheating?

Generally, a partner notices that their husband is having an affair because standard behavior patterns, typical character traits, and overall habits gradually change. 

Unfortunately, it can be tricky to know who your partner is contacting or how often they are doing it in a digital world. 

Still, you might notice him hiding the mobile or closing the laptop when you come into the room or perhaps leaving the room to take a call with an explanation that works.

Similarly, your husband may blame work for the need to leave home earlier in the morning or stay late much more often, perhaps indicating there’s been a change-up at the office. Unfortunately, now whenever there’s a work event, he finds a reason why you can no longer accompany him.

You notice your spouse is also taking better care of his appearance with more frequent trips to get his haircut and new clothes. The problem is he becomes agitated when you question these changes and seems irritable when he’s home, a change from his usual upbeat, humorous spirit.

How do I deal with my husband’s infidelity?

Infidelity is among the toughest challenges a mate faces in a marriage or partnership, but it doesn’t have to result in a breakup depending on the couple. When approaching the topic, it’s wise to wait until you feel you can do so calmly to have a rational conversation.

Dionne Eleanor Reid adds that:

Affairs don’t destroy love; they reveal the deeper layers of resilience and understanding you may never have known you had within.

Working through the “aftermath” will take substantial time. Eventually, your path to the next stage of your life will become clear. Part of that process will need to be forgiving husband after affair more as part of your healing process than anything.

While everyone typically wants to know all the details, much of that will not serve a purpose. There’s never a straightforward answer for the why. Sometimes there’s a root unresolved marital issue; other times, it’s completely unrelated, instead of being solely a problem with the husband’s ego.

Coping can be challenging with your instinct to lash out and share the news with everyone close to you. Instead, the most important thing is to speak with an impartial third party who can offer constructive advice to help you work through the emotional distress. 

Plus, make a conscious effort to continue overall self-care, including healthy eating and fitness, to promote healing and well-being. That includes allowing yourself to feel the emotions you’re going through. 

It’s natural to grieve the loss of the relationship you had because moving forward, it won’t be the same even if you decide “I’m going to forgive my husband for his affair” and work through these varied emotions.

15 tips on how to forgive the husband for an affair

When trying to figure out how to forgive an affair, the first thing to realize is that taking the step is hugely courageous for any partner even to consider. 

Relationships, especially marriages, require a lot of hard work. There are missteps, mistakes, and hardships, and it’s easy to say “I quit” and walk away when things become difficult. 

Forgiveness after an affair or essentially a betrayal sounds like something you would never be able to do. But if you consider your partner the time you’ve been together, you might find yourself able to forgive “my” husband, looking for ways to work through the issues that led to the affair. 

Let’s check out a few tips to help with forgiving a cheating husband:

1. You are not the only one

If you’re someone who finds forgiving an affair impossible, it seems it might take some time and effort to locate the perfect relationship, given the fact it’s happening to this degree. 

More people are also figuring out how to forgive an affair – perhaps it’s not the husband – and move forward with their partnership. It makes sense, given the statistics, to learn to start forgiving affairs. 

2. Forgiveness can be earned

Unfortunately, many people censor their opinions on the topic, but people who cheat on their spouses or mates are not all bad people. There are numerous reasons that affairs happen, and often the intention is not to hurt someone. 

There’s typically a lot of confusion tied up in infidelity that partners can try to work out if a mate can discern how to forgive an affair.

3. Forgiveness is not a weakness

Unfortunately, in that same vein, many people view forgiving an affair as a sign of weakness or desperation by holding on to a relationship or marriage with someone who steps out with other people. 

Close friends and family can be harsh, finding cheating to be a sign of a lack of respect or care for the spouse. A family can pressure the cheater’s spouse into letting go after an affair, even if the spouse is not entirely in favor of that reaction.

Relationship & empowerment mentor Dionne Eleanor mentions:

Allow yourself to start the path to bloom into the fullness of who you were always meant to be.

It takes strength and courage to face the problem head-on and try to find a way to fix it. You don’t know that betrayal won’t happen again, but you want to give forgiveness in marriage at least a shot and see if you can come out stronger for it.

4. Have the conversation

There are times when you need to question, “Should I forgive my husband for cheating?” He could be telling you what you want to hear to avoid further pain. You have to ask the tough questions requiring brutal honesty and be prepared for what you hear.

That doesn’t mean you can’t fix things necessarily, but there could be more work than you imagined, particularly if there’s a lack of satisfaction in the marriage. If you don’t believe you can give a mate what he needs, it’s time to move on.

5. Full accountability is the path to rebuilding

When learning how to forgive an affair and rebuilding trust, he first needs to be accountable for his behavior. There can be no more hiding technology, leaving without letting you know where he’s been; instead, he should become entirely transparent. 

The idea is to make you feel safe and secure. That can take a substantial amount of time, with the wound being reopened at the slightest indiscretion.

Research shows that taking the blame for mistakes made is a clear marker of close relationships, enhancing trust and openness. 

6. No endless reminders

Once you develop a thought process on how to forgive after an affair, there should be no further conversation about the incident. Throwing it up in a mate’s face, and constantly punishing him for the wrong he did can negatively psychologically affect your mate. 

The idea is to allow him to rebuild trust, but if you feel you are incapable of trusting or that forgiveness is out of your reach, breaking up is best for both of you. 

7. Combat negative thoughts

If you’re asking yourself, “Can I forgive my husband for having an affair” but find that you’re constantly thinking of him with the other person, it might make it challenging. 

That’s especially true if you’re imagining their time together spent being hostile against you. That can be destructive to you and the partnership, disallowing the ability to forgive. 

While you can ask for details, a man won’t hurt you further, but it’s not likely they used their time together discussing another mate. 

You have to find a way to get out of your head, whether you take up a new interest or hobby or spend more time with your support system, perhaps reach out to a counselor.

8. Consider the reasons for the infidelity

When you consider how to forgive after an affair, think about the possible reasons for the infidelity. Typically men don’t cheat because they find the other person more appealing than their partner. 

Suggestions indicate that often men become irresponsible after indulging in alcohol or when they feel underappreciated at home. There is also a correlation when dissatisfaction is in a relationship or with their life in general. 

Most times, husbands love their mate and don’t want to end the marriage. The reasons generally aren’t personal to their partner. The solution isn’t always a quick one either, but forgiving and fixing the relationship is possible. 

Take a look at this video by relationship therapist Esther Perel meant to make you rethink infidelity or at least look at it in a different light:

9. Attempt a fresh start

Discovering how to forgive husband gives you the opportunity for a fresh start to the partnership or marriage. The relationship can’t go back to the way it was, mainly because you won’t see him in that light again. 

That means you also have an opportunity to make some changes. They can be as drastic as you want or subtle but at this point, transforming the union is a good idea.

10. Try couples counseling

Reaching out to a couple’s counselor and obtaining individual counseling is wise since reaching a point of forgiveness over the devastation of betrayal can be a significant undertaking. 

That’s especially true with those closest to you showing you strong opinions more so than being supportive voices of reason. Impartial, nonjudgmental feedback can lead you on the path to finding forgiveness. 

Former Marriage Counsellor J.W. Louise, in her book How to Forgive and Recover From Infidelity, reflects on her experience with couples struggling due to infidelity. She mentions that couples can repair the wounds of betrayal as long as couples address their issues and are willing to work on their relationship.

11. Set new relationship goals

After an affair, the old relationship you had is transformed. It’s crucial to acknowledge this change and work together to define new relationship goals. This could mean establishing more open communication, dedicating regular time for each other, or setting mutual life goals. 

Think of it as building a new foundation that’s stronger and more informed than before. Setting these new goals can guide both of you on how to move forward together.

12. Focus on the future

Focusing on the future is vital when trying to navigate how to forgive infidelity. It’s easy to get caught up in the pain and betrayal of the past, but healing requires looking ahead. Ask yourself what you want your relationship to look like moving forward. 

This doesn’t mean ignoring the past but choosing to invest your energy in building a brighter, more honest future together.

13. Know when to let go

Understanding how to forgive after infidelity involves recognizing when it’s healthier to let go rather than hold onto a relationship that may no longer serve you. Forgiving my husband after an affair didn’t mean I had to stay with him under all circumstances. ‘

Sometimes, the damage to trust and the fundamental differences in values and desires are too great to overcome. Knowing when to let go is about respecting yourself and your own well-being enough to move on, even when it’s hard.

14. Rebuild trust gradually

“Can you forgive an affair?” Yes, but rebuilding trust doesn’t happen instantly. It’s a process that requires consistent effort, transparency, and commitment from both partners. Start with small promises and follow through on them. Be open about your feelings, fears, and expectations. 

Rebuilding trust is about showing each other through actions, not just words, that you’re both committed to making the relationship work. It’s a gradual journey of regaining confidence in each other’s loyalty and integrity.

15. Remember forgiveness is a choice

Understanding that forgiveness is a choice is crucial in the journey of healing from infidelity. This realization empowers you, as it places the control back into your hands. You’re not forgiving because you have to, but because you choose to—for your peace of mind and emotional well-being.

Coach Dionne Eleanor points out:

True, deep, radical forgiveness is the quiet, powerful strength that the greatest leaders and activists possess—it’s the ability to transform pain into purpose and rise above the noise of injustice with unwavering grace.

Choosing to forgive doesn’t mean you condone the betrayal or that the pain it caused is suddenly irrelevant. Instead, it signifies a personal decision to not let anger and resentment hold power over your life.

FAQs

Infidelity introduces complex emotions and questions into a relationship, challenging individuals and couples alike. Here are some straightforward answers to frequently asked questions regarding the impact of an affair.

• Does infidelity pain ever go away?

Yes, the pain from infidelity can diminish over time. Healing requires patience, self-care, and sometimes professional help. Emotions may fluctuate, but with effort and support, individuals can find peace and move forward stronger.

• Is it possible to forgive an affair?

Absolutely. Forgiving an affair is possible and is a personal choice. It involves a deep commitment to understanding, healing, and deciding what’s best for your emotional well-being, whether that means rebuilding the relationship or parting ways.

• Why does an affair hurt so much?

An affair hurts deeply because it breaches trust, one of the fundamental pillars of any relationship. It can shatter the sense of security and intimacy, leading to feelings of betrayal, abandonment, and questioning one’s self-worth.

• Can a relationship go back to normal after cheating?

A relationship may never return to its “pre-cheating” normal but can evolve into something new. With honesty, effort, and professional guidance, some couples rebuild their relationship into one that’s stronger, more transparent, and deeply connected.

Moving beyond infidelity

When facing the betrayal of a cheating partner, it’s crucial to adopt a broader perspective to unearth potential underlying causes. Infidelity often occupies a complex and murky middle ground, challenging the simplistic notion of a perpetrator and a victim. 

 

This complexity doesn’t excuse partners who opt for infidelity over open communication but highlights the existence of deeper issues within the relationship.

Turning to infidelity only amplifies these problems, setting the stage for a difficult yet potentially rewarding journey towards forgiveness and reconciliation. Seeking the counsel of a third-party professional, rather than relying solely on the biased perspectives of friends and family, can offer constructive guidance.

Dionne Eleanor concludes with:

An affair may have been a betrayal in your life, but your healing is a revolution of the heart that no one can take away from you.

This expert advice can pave the way for rebuilding the partnership with a stronger foundation, emphasizing the importance of healing and understanding in the face of betrayal.