How to Overcome Lust in a Relationship: 23 Practical Tips

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Rachael Pace, Author

Rachael Pace

Expertise: Mental health, Parenting

Rachael Pace inspires with motivational articles on loving partnerships. She encourages making room for love and facing challenges together.

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Updated: 20 May, 2024

Table of Contents

Balance love and lust: Prioritize emotional, intellectual, and spiritual closeness along with physical attraction, so you can feel seen and connected every day.
Build non-sexual intimacy: Cultivate shared activities, deep conversations, and gratitude to deepen your bond beyond physical desire and keep love at the center.
Set boundaries and communicate openly: Talk about boundaries, respect consent, and practice self-control so lust supports rather than undermines your relationship.

One of the most challenging things that partners in a relationship find hard to balance is love and lust. Some spouses don’t know where to draw the line when these two concepts are involved. Relationships crash often because love and lust are not properly defined between both parties.

If you are struggling with how to overcome lust in a relationship, you can learn various things by reading this article. You can uncover several ways to suppress lustful feelings while focusing on getting the best out of your relationship.

What is the meaning of lusting in a relationship?

Lusting in a relationship typically refers to an intense, often overpowering focus on the physical or sexual attraction one feels toward their partner, to the detriment of other aspects of the relationship.

One partner’s fixation on physical desire can overshadow deeper emotional, intellectual, and spiritual connections, leading to an imbalance in the relationship dynamic.

While physical attraction is a normal part of romantic relationships, lust becomes problematic when it becomes the primary or sole basis of the relationship’s foundation and growth. That is why, sometimes, it becomes essential to learn how to stop lusting after someone you love.

What differentiates love from lust?

There is no conventionality regarding the differences between love and lust. However, it is crucial to understand that some qualities make them different.

Lust is a feeling of physical and sexual attraction to another individual. In contrast, Love involves a deeper, intense, and emotional connection to a person. Love can sometimes be sexual, but lust is always sexual.

Lust and love can coexist together in a relationship, but it’s crucial that you maintain a balance between the two. To further understand what love, attraction, and lust are all about, try reading this piece by Katherine Wu, where you can learn the science behind lust, attraction, and companionship.

Is it normal for someone in a relationship to lust after another person?

It can be normal for someone in a relationship to experience feelings of lust toward another person occasionally. Human beings are naturally capable of finding others attractive, and such feelings can occur spontaneously without any intention of infidelity or dissatisfaction in the current relationship.

However, what matters most is how these feelings are handled. Individuals in committed relationships must recognize these feelings as fleeting and not act upon them in a way that compromises the trust and integrity of their partnership.

Open communication, mutual respect, and a clear understanding of boundaries within the relationship are key to navigating such natural yet potentially challenging experiences.

5 reasons why lust in a relationship is unhealthy

Lust, while a natural part of human sexuality, can have detrimental effects when it becomes the primary focus of a relationship.

Dionne Eleanor, transformational mentor & therapist, shares,

Lust is the seductive illusion that promises ecstasy but often delivers emptiness, and emotional chaos.

Here are 5 reasons why an excessive emphasis on lust can be unhealthy for a romantic partnership:

1. Undermines emotional connection

Lust, when it becomes the dominant aspect of a relationship, can overshadow the development of a deeper emotional bond.

Relationships built primarily on physical attraction may lack the substance and depth required for long-term commitment and mutual understanding.

2. Skews priorities and values

A relationship heavily driven by lust can lead to skewed priorities, where physical gratification takes precedence over other vital elements like mutual respect, shared interests, and emotional support. This imbalance can erode the foundation of a healthy partnership.

3. Risk of infidelity

Excessive focus on lust can increase the risk of infidelity, as it might lead one to seek physical satisfaction outside the relationship. This can cause significant harm and betrayal, potentially leading to the breakdown of trust and the relationship itself.

4. Lack of genuine intimacy

Genuine intimacy involves emotional, intellectual, and physical aspects. When a relationship is rooted in lust, it often lacks the emotional and intellectual intimacy necessary for a strong, enduring connection, leading to a superficial and unsatisfying partnership.

5. Unrealistic expectations

Lust can create unrealistic expectations about the relationship and the partner, leading to disappointment and dissatisfaction. When the initial intensity of physical attraction wanes, as it naturally does over time, the relationship may struggle to survive without a more substantial basis.

23 effective ways to overcome lust while dating

Some partners make the mistake of allowing lust to rule their relationships. They make decisions from a lustful mindset, which gradually damages the relationship.

For a relationship to be rock solid, you need to learn how to suppress lust to a good extent and focus on loving your partner the right way.

So, if you’re looking to learn about how to control lust in a relationship, we’re here to help you as we offer you 23 practical ways to manage lust while dating and in serious relationships.

1. Accept that what you are feeling is normal

In order to overcome lust in a relationship, it is essential to understand that it is normal to have sexual feelings toward your partner.

However, be careful to avoid focusing solely on those feelings and not paying attention to other important aspects of your relationship. The key here is providing balance and learning to explore your sexual feelings at the right time.

Women eating cherry

2. Find out the root cause of your lust

One of the ways to know how to overcome lust in your relationship is to uncover the reason for it. You might be exposed to explicit content that generates those thoughts about your partner.

Therefore, you will be more focused on how to sleep with your partner instead of practicing other acts of love. When you discover the root cause of your lust, you will be able to seek help in taming it.

3. Set boundaries

If you want to understand how to stop lusting after a man or woman you’re in a relationship with, one of the treatment patterns to explore is setting boundaries for yourself.

You need to start distancing yourself from things that propel you to lust after your partner. If it is a website with explicit content, find a way to stop visiting that website.

When you make deliberate actions to cut yourself off from things that feed your thoughts with lustful ideas and desires, you will be able to see your partner in a better light.

4. Don’t focus more on physical pleasures

If you are more focused on what you stand to gain from physical pleasures in your relationship, you will get bored in no time. Soon, you might be more concerned about only having sex with your partner.

When the urges subside, you will not treat them like you did when you were sexually motivated. If the bond you have with your partner comes from sexual intimacy, it would be hard to sustain your relationship because you can equally get satisfaction from another person.

The situation in your relationship might change when you have to be several miles away from your partner. If the foundation of your relationship was built on physical intimacy, your relationship might not last.

5. Respect your partner’s body

Even though you are in a relationship, you do not fully own your partner’s body. You need to respect their decisions when they don’t feel like engaging in sexual activities. This is called consent!

One of the ways to respect your partner’s body is by recognizing consent and following suit with their decisions.

If your partner does not want you holding them in a sensitive area in public, you need to respect their wishes. Don’t go against what they want because you want to feel good.

6. Have self-control

Some people claim that it is hard to have self-control in a relationship. The truth is self-control can be achieved if you put your mind to it. The core of self-control is understanding that there is a time for everything, including physical intimacy.

Therefore, having sex or indulging in other forms of sexual intimacy would not be your primary drive in the relationship. You will find it easy to prioritize properly and satisfy your partner with self-control.

7. Engage in workout sessions

Women doing workout

The conventional idea about working out is that it is only beneficial to your physique. However, the benefits of exercising are beyond what we see.

When you exercise, you feel relaxed, and your renewed energy is channeled into engaging in profitable and productive activities. This is a profound way to distract yourself from lustful desires positively. With consistent fitness training, you can improve your emotional and mental health to focus on the things that matter.

8. Do fun activities together

Apart from engaging in different sexual activities and exploring everything you see on the internet, you can do exciting things together. There are different fun things to explore that can make you bond well as a couple.

If you feel that your sexual urges cannot be controlled, one of the ways to subside them is by distracting yourself. When you do new and interesting things as partners, you will learn more about each other and look forward to more beautiful times ahead.

9. Try to meditate

How do I stop lusting after someone? I can’t get these thoughts out of my head. Well, another way to overcome lust in a relationship is by meditating. When you meditate, you can stop lusting because your mind will be focused on other things.

Meditation helps to improve your concentration, and it makes your body and mind feel at rest. When it comes to dealing with lust in marriage, you can prevail when you are at peace with yourself and not stressed.

10. Discuss with your partner

Sometimes, partners are shy to talk about salient issues like sex because of the fear of the unknown. If you feel like you need help because of your intense sexual desires, you need to open up to your partner.

Letting your partner know is important because it is a sign of respect and transparency. Your partner might be open to helping you quell those desires, and they can also succumb to your wishes on some occasions.

If you are keen on overcoming lust in your relationship, let your partner know what you have been dealing with.

11. Participate in healthy activities

To overcome lust in a relationship, learn to participate in activities that distract you. Anytime your head is filled with lustful thoughts, find activities to do that will take your mind off it.

If you have a hobby or more than one, you can participate in decluttering your mind of those sexual desires.

12. Remind yourself of the qualities that made you love your partner

It is probably time to reminisce on the outstanding qualities that made you fall in love with your partner. If you want to overcome lust in a relationship, you need to focus more on your partner’s qualities and attributes instead of their body.

Someone too focused on just having sex would get bored because that would be your sole relationship goal.

13. Revive the romance in your relationship

It is essential to mention that romance does not only involve lovemaking or having sex. You need to be more open to performing romantic activities that will make you love your partner more and boost your relationship.

Spend quality time with your partner. Ensure you get them gifts from time to time, and be the source of their inspiration and happiness.

By doing this, you will be focused on getting the best out of your relationship, and you won’t even be lusting after someone while in a relationship.

14. Sign up with a self-help group

When you see other people around you going through the same thing, you can be motivated to get better. With a self-help group, you can have accountability partners that will not make you feel alone.

You can also learn other strategies on how to cope with lust from other members. If you are uncomfortable with one self-help group, you can try different ones before seeing something that works for you.

Unhappy man consulting counselor

15. Get advice from trusted friends or mentors

Another way to overcome lust in a relationship is to get help from loved ones you trust. Lust is a sensitive issue that cannot be discussed with everyone. Hence, reach out to people you can rely on for help.

You can also be accountable to these categories of people and share your challenges with them. It is easy to know how to stop lustful thoughts when you have the right people around you.

16. See a relationship counselor

Having a relationship counselor by your side is one of the invaluable resources you need to overcome lust in a relationship.

The relationship counselor helps to uncover the root cause of your addiction. This would be needed in helping you create a treatment plan on how to get rid of lust.

A relationship counselor or therapist can help you manage your feelings. They can also help you find out if there are other problems associated with your lust. If you are struggling and you need help conquering lust, a relationship counselor is your best bet.

17. Go on a vacation with your partner

You might need to unplug everything around you and go on a vacation with your partner. Making this deliberate is vital because you want to know more about your spouse. Even though you might have sexual relations during the getaway, it would be more structured.

Sometimes, unplugging and going on a holiday trip with your partner might be all you need to understand the true meaning of love.

18. Start from the beginning

When it comes to dealing with lust, you might have to begin again. This means that you have to go back to when you were genuinely in love with your partner and see if you can replicate your actions.

Doing this will help you focus more on loving your partner instead of thinking about sleeping with them all the time.

19. Know your partner’s love language

Learning your partner’s love language is another way to overcome lust in a relationship. Love language is a concept that gives a detailed explanation of how people give and receive love in a relationship or marriage.

When you know your partner’s love language, it would be easy to let them know you love them. This would help you focus more on making them happy and cared for instead of making sex the topmost priority in your union.

20. Set goals for your relationship

If you are too focused on sex, it might be hard to remember other profitable things to do in a relationship. You and your partner need to set goals for the relationship that dictate how things will be.

Also, you can participate in self-growth activities together by working on yourself and learning more about how to spice up your relationship together.

From Jim Vander Speke’s book titled “Overcoming Lust,” partners can learn how to put lust at bay. This book is for people who are struggling with intense sexual desires.

21. Practice gratitude for your relationship

Regularly expressing gratitude for your relationship and your partner can help shift your focus from purely physical attraction to appreciating the deeper aspects of your partnership.

Acknowledge your partner’s support, companionship, and other non-physical contributions to your life. This can deepen your emotional connection, reducing the emphasis on lust.

Watch this video where Dr. Dave, a family life educator, professor, and extension specialist, explains how to improve your relationship by using gratitude:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8y-6M8a2WLY

22. Explore non-sexual forms of intimacy

Developing non-sexual forms of intimacy can enrich your relationship and help balance physical desires with emotional connections. This could include activities like deep conversations, shared hobbies, or spending quiet time together.

These forms of intimacy can promote a stronger, more holistic bond with your partner, reducing the overpowering influence of lust.

23. Reflect on past relationships and patterns

Taking time to reflect on your past relationships can provide insights into your current challenges with lust. Understanding your historical relationship patterns, especially where lust may have played a destructive role, can help you identify and address underlying issues.

Learning from past experiences allows you to approach your current relationship with more wisdom and less impulse-driven behavior.

FAQs

Handling the challenges of lust within a relationship can be complex. Here’s a brief look at some common questions and their answers to help you understand and manage these feelings effectively:

How do you fight against lust?

To fight against lust, practice self-awareness and mindfulness. Acknowledge your feelings without acting on them impulsively.

Engage in activities encouraging emotional connection with your partner, and focus on building a deeper relationship beyond physical attraction.

What is the cause of lust?

Lust is often triggered by a strong physical attraction and can be intensified by factors like novelty, societal influences, and personal experiences.

It’s a natural response but can become problematic if not managed within the context of a respectful and loving relationship.

How do you control intense lust?

Controlling intense lust involves setting boundaries, both personally and in your relationship. Focus on non-physical aspects of your relationship, engage in meaningful conversations, and participate in shared interests.

Practice self-control and redirect your energy toward nurturing a well-rounded, emotionally connected partnership.

How do I manage my desire in a relationship?

Communicate openly with your partner about your feelings to manage desire in a relationship. Channel your energy into deepening the emotional and intellectual aspects of your relationship.

Engage in activities together that strengthen your bond beyond physical attraction, and seek professional guidance if needed.

In a nutshell

When you allow lust to rule your relationship, it will control your happiness and your disposition toward your partner. Worse still, lust can weaken the bond you share with your partner.

Some people have a strained idea of how relationship partners are supposed to handle love and lust in their union.

So, if you want to know how to overcome lust in a relationship, you need to make love the primary focus. You can achieve so much and grow together with your partner with love.

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Rachael Pace Author

Rachael Pace is a noted relationship writer associated with Marriage.com. She provides inspiration, support, and empowerment in the form of motivational articles and essays. Rachael enjoys studying the evolution of loving partnerships... Read more and is passionate about writing on them. She believes that everyone should make room for love in their lives and encourages couples to work on overcoming their challenges together. Read less