How to Know When Is It Time to Break Up: 20 Clear Signs

When is it time to break up with someone? 

It isn’t easy to come up with a straightforward answer to this question. If you are rethinking your relationship, wondering if there are enough reasons for you to break up with your partner.

Examining the following issues will better help you answer that crucial question: When is it time to break up? 

Carefully thinking over the consequences of staying or leaving can help you feel confident that you have made the best decision, whatever choice you ultimately make. 

Related Reading: Tips on How to End a Dead-End Relationship

When is it time to break up?

How do you know when it is time to break up? The short answer to this question is this: when the pain, sadness, and frustration of continuing in the relationship outweigh the joy, shared closeness, and happiness the relationship brings you. These are signs it’s time to end a relationship.

That is the short answer to the question of when to break up, but it is not easy to digest. You may have a history with this person; you may still feel like you love or like them.  

But you may feel more distance, lack of spark, and need to be alone.  

You are waffling back and forth, imagining what it might be like to end things. When is it time to break up with someone you love? Let us look at some signs to help you answer the question, “when is it time to break up?”

Related Reading: Signs Your Relationship Is Falling Apart

20 signs that it’s time to break up

There is no guide on how to know when to break up. However, there can be a few obvious signs you should break up.

If you see these signs as a recurrent part of your relationship, you should know it is time when to break up with someone.

1. There is physical, mental, or emotional abuse

There is no relationship worth staying for if your partner is physically violent with you. If your partner is mentally or emotionally abusing, gaslighting, degrading, and sequestering you from your friends and family, these are 100% valid reasons to end a relationship. 

Licensed Professional Counselor and Relationship Coach Christiana Njoku states, 

If you are in a relationship where you are constantly manipulated, emotionally drained, financially abused, battered with words, and extremely abused physically, it is time to break up.

If you need help getting out, contact a local resource specialized in helping victims of domestic abuse. Should you break up is not a question you should mull over if your safety is at risk. 

Related Reading: How to Fix an Abusive Relationship

2. You are no longer attracted to them

If you no longer feel romantic feelings towards your partner, this may answer the question, when is it time to break up?  

Does the thought of them touching you turn you off? Are you living more like roommates than romantic partners? If you have sex with your partner, do you fantasize about someone else? 

If the answer to those questions is yes, unfortunately, this is when to end a relationship.

3. You do not love them anymore

Sometimes love can be like a light switch, either on or off. 

If you no longer feel deep, romantic love for your partner, it is unfair for you both to stay in the relationship. No longer having loving feelings for your partner is a strong reason to end a relationship.

Related Reading: Signs of Falling out of Love

4. You aren’t seeing any signs of caring from them

You are tired and tell them you don’t feel like going out. 

Do they respond with “You are always tired! We don’t do anything anymore!” rather than a caring remark such as “Hey, come here and let me rub your back” or “Let’s order in and go to bed early.”

If your partner does not realize that you may be physically or mentally tired, the answer to the question ‘When is it time to break up?’ is most likely “right now!”

5. The fights never end

If your mode of communication is mostly friction-filled, or you keep returning to the same conflicts that never get resolved, these are reasons to break up with someone you love. 

Can you accept a future that includes so much fighting?

You know no one can, and therefore, this answers the question of when is it time to break up?

Related Reading: How to Stop Constant Fighting in a Relationship

6. You are the one who constantly compromises

Your partner thinks that your issues are resolved, but they are only going dormant because you make a compromise—every time.  

While these compromises may seem like something you are doing for the greater good of the relationship, you may realize that these can lead to built-up resentment and feelings of inadequacy in you.

An unbalanced relationship means it is time to break up.

7. You have grown apart

If you have been in a long-term relationship, perhaps you feel like you or your partner is a different person now than they were when you first met. This happens. Not everyone can grow and change together.  

If you feel a distance the size of the Grand Canyon stretching out between you both, it may be the answer to the question of when is it time to break up?

8. Need to modify your core values

Perhaps your partner does things that are unethical to you: cheating on their taxes or claiming overtime at work that they didn’t do. 

If you have to close your eyes to behavior that goes against your moral and ethical code, these are reasons to end a relationship.  

Ask yourself how you feel about staying in a relationship with someone like this. If the answer is no, you know when is it to time break up.

Related Reading: Core Relationship Values Every Couple Must Have

9. You no longer care about your partner’s well-being

You are so over them that when something bad happens at work or in their personal life, you just roll your eyes and go about your business. 

You may not want bad things for them, but you just can’t seem to care to proactively find ways to make them feel better or help them find solutions. 

This could happen because they seldom listen to your suggestions, which have hurt you in the past. Definitely a sign and answer to the question of when is it time to break up!

10. You are the only one supporting the relationship

If your partner does little to contribute to the relationship, in terms of planning activities or helping around the house, it could mean it is time to end the relationship. 

A relationship is a partnership, and while one person may need to contribute more on certain days, one partner cannot take the relationship forward all alone.

Ask yourself what value do they add to your couple. It might be time to break up your relationship if they add no value. 

11. Your needs are neglected

Does your partner not want to engage in sex, conversation, or social activities with you? 

This could mean that they are not interested in you or the relationship. When we love someone, fulfilling their needs becomes one of our most important things. If your partner constantly ignores your needs, it is time to show them the door.

12. Your general state of mind is “unhappy”

What is the point of it if you do not feel happy in the relationship?

 If you recognize the general state of your mind as “unhappy,” it may be time to call it off. You can recognize this by how you feel when you wake up, especially with your partner or when you spend the day with them.

Does their presence make a difference in your happiness? If not, the relationship may already be over.

Also try: Are You In An Unhappy Relationship Quiz

13. You do not look forward to spending time with your partner

It may be time to break up if you do not feel like spending time with your partner and do not miss them when they are not around a lot. 

You may find yourself overscheduling your weekends, so you are doing things alone.

14. Cute things now annoy you

Very often, when we fall out of love with someone, we start seeing things we once found cute as annoying. 

Since the love is gone, you may struggle to put up with certain habits or things your partner says.

15. Friends and family question your relationship

Your friends and family have started to wonder what you see in your partner and have openly stated you can do better. 

If people in your life, who care about you, can see that you are not right for each other, it may be time to break up.

16. What you want out of life is significantly different

When do you know it’s time to break up? Try to visualize your future. Can you see your partner in the future? 

If you cannot see your partner in your future, then breaking up as a couple might be the right step.

The goals and plans you have outlined for yourself in the coming years do not align with theirs. Also, if you do not have a problem imagining a future without them, it may be time to let them go.

Watch this video to learn why compatibility is more important than chemistry:

17. Unmet needs

You spend more time asking your partner what you need than getting it. 

You have discussed unmet needs, but your partner is unwilling or unable to fulfill these. You aren’t feeling valued. While unrealistic expectations from your partner may be your shortcoming, not being able to meet your needs or not even trying is theirs.

18. You are bored with your partner.

You fantasize about what your life would be like if you were solo or with someone else. 

This could mean your partner does not add value to your life and may make you feel unhappy and inadequate.

19. Taking separate vacations is routine

You can’t stand to spend concentrated time with your partner anymore. You both would rather take vacations alone, or even with your friends, rather than just the two of you. 

This could mean that you both do not enjoy each other’s company, and a long-term relationship, in that case, just does not make any sense.

20. You dislike who you are in the relationship

You do not like what your partner turns you into. You may be unhappy and therefore react in ways you know are not your traits. Chances are, your partner makes you feel inadequate or insecure. You may find yourself complaining or nagging about issues you know you do not even want to.

Related Reading: How to Break up With Someone You Live With

10 steps to breaking up the right way

There is no easy way to break up with a partner you used to care deeply for. But it is worse to remain in a bad relationship. 

Some people prefer the ripping off the band-aid method, where they quickly say, “it’s over; I’m out.” Others move slowly towards unraveling. 

Whatever fits your comfort zone, here are steps to gracefully extract yourself from the relationship.

1. Do it in person

So many of today’s breakups happen over text or email. That just isn’t respectful. 

Have the conversation in person, so your so-to-be ex feels part of the decision.

2. Do it in private

Best place for a breakup? 

Your partner’s place, so they can cry privately once you have announced the breakup and left. Nothing worse than having to walk the streets of a city, sobbing and looking for a taxi to take you home.

3. Be thoughtful about the timing of the breakup 

As per Counsellor Christiana Njoku,

People react to breakups differently. When it’s time to break up from the relationship, let the timing be right.

Avoid breaking up with your partner on their birthday or a major holiday like Christmas. 

Don’t break up with them the day they write the bar exam or have their thesis defense.

4. Be clear

Your mind is made up, and you need this to come across. 

It is better to state the reasons behind the breakup, so your partner knows this is a done deal.

5. Approach the conversation with as little drama as possible  

Consider what you want to say, starting with all the good memories you will keep of your time together. Do not be dramatic when you try to approach the conversation, as it is only likely to spiral into more later.

6. No breakup sex

While it may seem like a good idea at the time (you want to comfort each other through this awful conversation), it will not help in either of your recoveries.

Related Reading: Science Behind the Indulgent Nature of Break up Sex

7. Break off all contact  

Delete them from social media. 

Sure, we all know people who “remained friends,” but recovery is much easier if you have no contact with the person and you cannot see them on social media.

8. Acceptance of the reasons

Breakups happen because you were not meant for each other. When you integrate this truth, recovery will be faster. It is very important to accept what has happened and also accept the reasons why it was the right thing to do.

9. Give yourself some time alone

Rebound relationships are never healthy and can be unfair to the other person.  

Once you break up, date yourself. That’s right. Take care of yourself, work on yourself, and connect again with your own identity. Do what you like when you like. Embrace your solitary life.

10. Tempted to talk with your ex?  

Ask yourself the why behind the urge. 

If it is just to keep them in your life, back away and do something else. If you truly have zero feelings for them, ask yourself what you would be getting out of the conversation. 

Related Reading: Healing From the Emotional Pain of a Breakup 

What can you do after a breakup?

Even as you may have initiated the breakup, some painful emotions may surface in the days and months following the end of the relationship. You may have wanted to fly solo, but the reality of feeling there is no one out there thinking of you can be difficult. 

During this post-breakup time, treat yourself gently. Reach out to friends so that you can make plans for the time you used to spend with your former partner. This is not to say that you should try and avoid dealing with these sad moments. 

You will need to process this life-changing milestone. But surround yourself with people who love you and will be there for the dark times that follow the end of a relationship. 

Just as you tried working things out in a relationship, try to form a similar connection with yourself. Once you feel that you have healed, you should only venture out into the dating pool again. 

Make sure that when you do start to date, you are doing this with a sense of excitement, and not just because you are unable to be alone. 

To learn more about what to do after a breakup, read this article.

Some commonly asked questions

If you see the signs you need to break up, there might be many doubts that this might raise in your mind. Here are the answers to some important questions that might plague your mind:

• What are the five stages of a break up?

A person who is going through a breakup usually experiences the five stages of grief. These stages are, in order, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. 

You can go for couples counseling before breaking up so that you can avoid this grief, if possible. 

• How long does a breakup usually last?

Feelings of grief related to breakup last for different periods for different people. Factors like the duration of the relationship, the seriousness of the bond and the reason for the breakup determine how long it takes for someone to get over a breakup. 

The bottom line

Make sure you have taken the time to work on your own inner light so that when you start interacting with romantic partners again, they are drawn to this, the authentic you, strong and attractive.  

Learn from your former relationship so that you do not find yourself in similar situations months from now. 

You want your next relationship to be the one that goes the distance, with a balanced and healthy love bond between you and the next partner.