One of the leading reasons people seek marriage counseling or relationship counseling is to get help with communication.
Usually this is the code for “I know my partner doesn’t hear me and I am not sure I understand them.”
There are 2 sides to communication and, like intimacy, there is a sender and a receiver.
Develop the skill of active listening
To hear what the other is saying requires active listening. Let me offer what that is not.
We may hear all the words, we might nod in the appropriate pauses and may even be able to repeat the last phrase the other gave us, yet this is still not necessarily active listening. We can passively engage in a conversation and never reach that deep level of understanding and connection most of us crave.
Active listening requires as much (if not more) energy as the sender is using.
Active listening requires us to set aside our defensiveness and our preconceptions and many of us don’t even know what those are.
There is a great YouTube Video entitled It’s Not About The Nail by Jason Headley that focuses solely on the benefit of active listening. Here, Jason does a masterful job illustrating how we get caught up in what we KNOW our partner needs to do. And as our focus on that knowing continues, we can’t show up for the exchange to the frustration of our partner.
The video offers a glimpse of his understanding only to have it swept away as he returns to his knowing.
Curiosity will serve us better
Curiosity allows us to see where we are being taken without us turning into a driver.
To do this, you must first set aside and manage your own anxiety. This is usually harder to achieve with your partner because of your history. The moment your brain believes you are going down an old path, it jumps ahead to the ending they had before, rather than letting the journey unfold on its own.
Try this instead – see yourself listening to the other. If you can become an observer of the situation (often referred to being in third person) rather than a participant, you will give yourself the pause necessary to stay actively engaged. Staying in third person, as an active listener means you don’t take things personally.
You must remind yourself that they are telling you about themselves (even if they are pointing a finger!). This is why, as a sender, it enhances the process to use “I” statements instead of claims about the other.
The curious listener holds a space between what the other is saying and what you receive. It is this space you must treat in a sacred way. It is here that the relationship can begin to shape up, and where understanding can begin. If you already KNOW what is coming, you shut off the possibilities.
Begin by doing yourself
This is a fact that we always want the other to hear us and we know that the above direction is a good practice for those listening to us but the real work comes, not in inviting others to listen differently, but to begin by doing it ourselves.
Rome was not built in a day and it may take some time (yes more than we want) to change long standing patterns in communication. We really only have control over our own behavior, so this is where we must begin improving our communication skills, that is, how we choose to listen differently.
I heard a speaker say one time that he preferred to be a student of golf over that of golfer. Students, he explained, were always learning and it was his experience that when he arrived at that place that he pretty much knew it all, there was no need to learn.
His game continued to improve as he continued to learn.
Our relationships are like that. If we can be students and continue to learn, we put a positive energy into the relationship and we contribute. If we know how they are supposed to do it, we move to that place of judgement and pick at what we don’t like them doing.
Focus on your own growth, move to third person as you actively listen and honor that space between you and the other with curiosity. It will move you to better communication.
Want to have a happier, healthier marriage?
If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married.