Narcissists are very good at hiding who they are until they have their partner completely hooked.
It can be difficult to spot narcissistic traits in a partner early on in a relationship, and then once you’ve been in the relationship a while, your partner will likely convince you that whatever red flags you’re seeing are all in your head.
One way that narcissists control their partners is with sex — and one way you can tell if your partner is a narcissist is by paying attention to how they act in bed. Read on for 8 signs you might be having sex with a narcissist
1. The sex is really good
Narcissists are known for being good in bed.
They tend to be voracious and seemingly attentive lovers. Especially at the beginning of the relationship, your partner might want to have sex all the time because you’re just so irresistible or they find sex with you so amazing.
Using sex in this way and making sure that sex is mind-blowing, is part of the “love bombing” that narcissists use to win a new partner over.
Sex with a narcissist might be the best sex you’ve ever had.
2. Your partner is obsessed with pleasuring you over and over
“Wait”, you’re probably thinking, “how can a partner wanting to give me lots of orgasms be a bad thing?” It’s not inherently bad, but with sex, with a narcissist, the focus on pleasuring their partner becomes about proving their own greatness rather than making your partner happy.
A narcissist partner might even want to keep going after you’ve said you’re satisfied and may gloat about how many times they made you come.
3. Sex is all about them
Narcissists need to be the focus of every sexual encounter.
This doesn’t mean that they’re withholding, quite the opposite. But even when they’re giving oral sex or otherwise giving a partner pleasure, the narcissist wants to hear how fabulous of a lover they are, how much their partner enjoys what they’re doing, and so forth.
If your partner is obsessed with videoing your sexual encounters, watching themselves having sex in the mirror, or has a collection of sex tapes or photos from past relationships that they revisit, you are probably having sex with a narcissist.
4. They never reciprocate
While some narcissists love to use their ability to give orgasms as a way to hook a partner, others are remarkably sexually selfish.
For instance, they might ask for – or even insist upon having oral sex performed on them, but they refuse to reciprocate by performing oral on their partner. Or they may consider a sexual encounter over once they’ve had an orgasm, regardless of whether their partner is satisfied.
5. They don’t take no for an answer
Narcissists are not good with being told no or refused something they want.
A narcissist partner might pout or sulk if you turn down sex or a specific sexual act. This can escalate into using guilt to pressure you into engaging in sex, and even to the narcissist using physical force to coerce a partner into sex.
Some partners of narcissists report waking up to the narcissist having sex with them, which is a huge violation.
6. They withhold sex
Because they use sex as a tool to dominate and control their partners, narcissists are well aware of the effect of withholding sex.
Sex with a narcissist might include the withholding of sex after an argument or after being refused something else they want, as a way to “punish” their partner.
Other times, the narcissist withholds sex as a way to make their partner question their own attractiveness, the narcissist’s love for them, or the stability of the relationship.
This is a form of gaslighting, a signature narcissist behavior.
7. They want you to engage in degrading sex acts
Narcissists will use rough or degrading sex as a way to control their partners.
While consensual kinks of many kinds are a part of many healthy relationships, a narcissist doesn’t care about consent.
In fact, they’d rather the partner they are trying to degrade have relatively little say in what is happening. Sex with a narcissist might involve the narcissist partner trying to convince you to engage in a sex act that you have previously said is a dealbreaker for you, arguing that “if you really loved them, you would.”
A narcissist may also degrade a partner by ignoring them or even leaving them immediately after sex.
8. They pressure you into sex early in the relationship
The narcissist wants to have sex as early in the relationship as possible in order to begin their dance of control.
If someone pressures you to have sex on the first date or very soon after meeting, this can be a sign that you are having sex with a narcissist – pressure being the operative word.
There’s nothing wrong with having sex early on in a relationship if you both feel free to say yes or no. It’s the narcissist’s use of pressure that makes this a red flag.