Relationships aren’t always easy. In fact, they can create some of the most difficult situations you’ve ever had to deal with in your life. When you first got married you thought your husband would be your knight in shining armor. But, as time goes by you’re starting to feel like your frog never really turned into that prince you were waiting for. Separating from your husband either permanently or on a trial basis creeps into your mind more and more.
Take a step back. In the heat of your frustration, separating from husband seems like a dream come true, but is that what you really want deep down? When you are thinking of separating from your husband there are some big questions to consider before making it official. Here are some questions and concerns to address before considering separation and packing your bags.
How to tell your husband you want a separation: You have to talk it out
Don’t be the girl who takes off after separating from husband, never to be heard from again. If you’re truly considering leaving your husband you need to give him the respect, and the chance to fix things by telling him how you’re feeling. Talk until you’re blue in the face. Everything about your separation needs to be worked out so that both parties are clear on what to expect from this new turn in your relationship. Here are some questions to consider while figuring out how to tell your spouse you are leaving or reassessing the relationship:
1. Are you separating with a view of getting back together?
What kind of separation are you considering from one another? A trial separation indicates that you and your partner will both choose a timeline, such as two months, to separate from one another to assess whether or not you want to continue in the marriage. A trial separation is done to rediscover your wants and needs, work on your problems without interference and frustrations, and assess whether or not you can truly live without one another.
A true separation means you want to start living as singles again, with a view to divorce. It is very important not to lead your partner on if the latter is your choice. If you want to end the relationship with a view to legal proceedings you need to be honest about it.
2. What are the issues you have with one another?
This should be one of the main questions to ask before separating or while having the separation talk. Despite your issues, your relationship may have a lot of good qualities worth working on. If you are thinking of separating from husband, tell him what your issues are. Perhaps you argue about finances, family, past indiscretions, or the prospect of having children. Lay your issues bare in a non-accusatory way while having a discussion on separating from husband.
3. Will you remain in the same home?
If you are separating from husband, you should decide if you will still be living together during this time. This is common in trial separations. If you will not remain in the same home, decide fairly who should be the one to find a new living arrangement. You need to have the answers to the following separation questions: Do you own your home, or do you rent? If you do divorce, will you sell the home? These are all important questions to consider.
4. How will you remain united in order to parent your children?
Your thoughts on separation must include planning about your children’s future. If you share children together it is very important that they come first. You may have differences with one another that make you want to pull your hair out, but your children should not have to suffer more than necessary during your separation. If your separation is a trial, you may consider staying in the same home in order to keep your marital issues private from young children. This will also avoid changing your children’s routine. Decide together to remain a united front with respects to your children so that they do not view your parental decisions any different than they did prior to your separation.
5. Will you be dating other people?
If your separation is a trial with a view to getting back together, it is not in your best interest to begin dating other people. However, if you want a legal separation from your husband you need to come to terms with the fact that he may begin dating again. Often times couples separate feeling they have made the right decisions, only to discover their feelings have reemerged when seeing their partners with someone new.
6. Are you going to continue being intimate with one another?
Just because you can’t communicate emotionally doesn’t mean you don’t still connect physically. Are you separating from spouse but still comfortable maintaining an intimate relationship even though your relationship is over with or if you are in a trial separation?
Keep in mind that is it unhealthy and confusing to both parties to continue sharing a physical bond with someone who you can no longer be with – especially if you are separating from husband and he doesn’t agree with the arrangement.
7. How will you split finances during your separation?
So long as you are still legally married, any large purchases made by either party will be considered marital debt. This calls several questions to mind when you are thinking of separating from your husband. For example, do you have shared bank accounts? It’s important to discuss how your finances will be split from here on out. How will you be supporting your household, especially if your husband takes up living somewhere else? Are you both employed? Discuss responsibility how you will handle your finances and divide monies during your separation.
Separating from your husband is not easy
The reality of separating from your husband is much different than your fantasy may have been. Whether you’ve been together for three years or thirty years, separations are never easy. But if you are experiencing constant infidelity, or physical or emotional abuse at the hands of your husband it should never be a question of whether you should separate.
For all other situations, it’s important to keep your husband in the loop of what you plan on doing. It is fair to give him the chance to address your issues and concerns and possibly save your relationship. If you feel your separation is inevitable, discuss how this will affect your family and be open and honest when doing so. The process of separating from husband will affect you a lot mentally but this is just a phase in your life that needs to be managed well to avoid any damage to you and your partner’s lives.
Want to have a happier, healthier marriage?
If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married.