In almost every marriage comes the time when you wonder how to save the marriage when you feel hopeless. It might be that you’re bored, annoyed, frustrated, hurt, betrayed, disappointed. Whatever the reason, many couples come to a point when they feel that they just cannot go on together anymore. Nonetheless, if you still feel that there is a reason why you should work on saving your relationship, it’s not too late. Every marriage can be put back on track, only if there is a will to do so.
How to tell when a marriage is beyond repair?
Before we move on to how to save a marriage, what we should learn to determine is when a marriage is salvageable, and when it’s just beyond repair. And this might be more complex than one would think. Because, in practice, couples surprise their therapists all the time.
There are couples who come to the therapist’s practice with seemingly minor issues, such as leaving the toilet seat up, and they end up getting a divorce. On the other hand, there are also those who meet their therapist when their marriage seems like the tenth ring of hell. Yet, with appropriate guidance and with a bit of luck and goodwill, the couple puts their efforts together and manages to save their relationship.
So, what decides whether the couple will make it or not? It seems that it’s not the problems themselves. Although, of course, there is a correlation between the severity and depth of problems in marriage and divorce rates. However, it appears that it is the loss of hope and optimism that sentences a marriage to ruins.
In other words, whatever the issues might be, they won’t necessarily lead to a dissolution of marriage unless you’ve both started to feel hopeless about the prospects of your marriage. Because saving a marriage requires commitment. It needs you to be willing to dedicate yourself to the process and to believe in the outcome.
The necessary equipment to salvage a marriage
Working on saving the marriage isn’t an easy task. It requires a lot of dedication and effort. It won’t be easy, and you will probably feel at times that just giving up is the best solution. However, if you decided, upon a careful deliberation, that it’s something worth saving, don’t give up just because it’s hard.
And it is this dedication that will be your first and most important tool for saving the marriage. You’ll need other tools as well. You will need a lot of deep and genuine empathy for your spouse. You should also improve your communication skills. Learn to listen and to express yourself. You will need a clear mind and refreshed perspective on things. Finally, you will need to combine compassion, love, and affection, with analytical skills and hard work.
Five steps to saving a marriage when you feel hopeless
1. Make a list of all the issues
Any marriage that is close to being over bears a huge amount of unresolved issues. And if you wish to save the relationship, now is the time to make a list of what’s causing the troubles and solve every point on that list.
2. Renew your capacity to fight for your marriage
You cannot rebuild your marriage if you’re exhausted with anger, self-loathing, frustration, resentment, sadness. So, take some time to regain energy and work on yourself. Only if you’re on the top of your game will you manage to fight for your marriage as well.
3. Stop the cycle of toxic arguments
The most essential thing you need to do is to give up on the never-ending fights, and stop the negative exchange. Nip the sarcasm and the verbal aggression at the bud.
4. Eliminate the major deal-breakers in marriage
Before you move on, agree on eliminating aggression, affairs, and addictions from your relationship. These are the three major issues that don’t go with a successful and healthy relationship, and you need to get rid of all three.
5. Learn the skills to have a happy marriage and recommit to each other
It’s never too late to start over. Learn communication skills, remember how to show affection, recommit to your new marriage and say it out loud.
Final take away
To save your marriage, tap into your hope again, and learn to believe in your marriage again first. Follow the above-shared tips and rebuild love and harmony into your marriage that you both entered into with a shared sense of love, joy and togetherness.
Want to have a happier, healthier marriage?
If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married.