You went into marriage, understanding a long-term commitment would take work. You knew it would not be sunshine and roses every day but trusted that your love for each other would get you through any future storms that would come.
But now that you are on the other side of the wedding (be it 3 years or 30), something feels off, and you’ve found yourself wondering if love is all it truly takes.
Is he just busy, or has love faded?
If you find yourself worrying, “Is my husband attracted to me?
It is important to remember that if you are feeling a lack of affection from your husband, it might not be that he has lost attraction for you. Maybe he is extremely busy, and he isn’t making the effort he used to make.
Or, perhaps he is dealing with a stressful situation at work or a health problem that has made you take a back burner. In this case, the signs your husband is not attracted to you could point to a personal problem with him that could be resolved with a simple conversation.
If you are wondering about the signs your husband is not attracted to you, read the 15 red flags below and find out what you can do to keep the love alive.
If you find yourself wondering,“Is my husband attracted to me at all?” or “How do I know if my husband is still attracted to me?” chances are that you are worried he’s not into you anymore.
Perhaps you have a non-affectionate husband or are noticing other behaviors that suggest lost attraction to the wife.
Consider the following 15 signs your husband is not attracted to you:
1. You rarely talk
Communication is key in any relationship, especially a marriage. You might say “Hey” to each other when passing through the hallway, but when was the last time you two really sat down and talked?
If you can’t remember the last time you had his full attention in a conversation, this is a concern and can be one of the signs your husband doesn’t find you attractive or interesting.
What to do:
Start by asking him about his day. Really listen to his answers and respond by asking questions that lead to further conversation. Make eye contact and show you care by relating to his experiences.
2. He doesn’t state his needs
On the subject of talking, does he still tell you what his needs are? Marriage requires two people to learn how to take care of each other, but if he is no longer telling you what his needs are, this is trouble.
What to do:
Ask! Start the day by asking what he needs from you that day or if there is something he needs in general that you can help with. The best way to know what our spouses need is to ask.
3. He ignores your needs
Enough about him, what about you? Are you communicating your needs, yet he fails to acknowledge them? Does he respond at all, or do you feel he dismisses you?
Being put on the back burner or flat-out ignored could be signs there’s a lack of investment or that a husband has lost attraction to his wife.
What to do:
First, you need to know what your needs are. Without a clear idea of what you are asking for, it will be difficult for him to respond.
You want to state your needs directly and straight to the point. Short, direct, and without accusing is a good way to avoid confusion on what the core need is you want to get across.
4. He is no longer affectionate
It is important to know that individuals don’t always have the same need for affection. If your need for affection is higher than his, then it’s likely you may feel he is a non-affectionate husband, when really it’s just a difference in expression.
The real concern is if the relationship lacks any affection, especially if you saw each other as an affectionate couple in the past. If he never hugs you, holds your hand, kisses your cheek, or gently puts his hand on your back, these could be signals his mind is elsewhere.
What to do:
Take inventory. Are you affectionate? Do you gently touch him or offer a hug when you leave one another for the day?
If you find that you may be holding back on the affection, too, try re-introducing it slowly here and there and see how he responds. This can be a key way of answering “how to attract my husband.”
5. Sex is dead
It is normal for any long-term couple to decrease the amount they have sex after the honeymoon phase is over, meaning that it’s also common for the time between sexual encounters to grow a little the longer you are together.
But lack of sex is a major sign you two are no longer connected. If you find yourself thinking, “My husband ignores me sexually,” this is another one of the major signs your husband is not attracted to you.
What to do:
Figure out what your sexual need is. Is once a month comfortable for you, or is once a week more like it? Do you know what his ideal amount of sex is?
Try to find a compromise in the middle if it varies. It never hurts to try something new in the bedroom to spark the fire.
6. He spends his free time with his friends and never invites you
He used to take you out and show you off, but now his friend time is always solo. Having some time with his buddies without you around is nothing to worry about, but if he is spending a lot of time with his crew and you’re no longer invited, pay attention.
This could be one of the signs your husband doesn’t find you attractive.
Next time he tells you he has plans or wants to hang out with his friends, ask if you can join him. It’s possible he may not know you want to hang out with them. So, clarify that you would love to catch up with his buddies too.
7. He looks at his phone more than he looks at you
With cell phones everywhere, we have become used to people having a device in front of their faces; however, if he is constantly looking down at that screen, he can’t look at you.
There is nothing wrong with screen time, but if in every conversation, date, or hangout, the moment there is a screen between you and him, it could be a sign his interest in you is dwindling. This can certainly lead to feeling unwanted by the husband.
What to do:
Suggest and prioritize times when no phones are allowed.
For example, implement a rule there are no phones allowed at the dinner table. Making time for each other without digital distractions can force a conversation that can lead to connection.
8. He doesn’t compliment you
Although physical compliments are great, the lack of them doesn’t always mean he is no longer into you. The question is, does he compliment you at all? About anything?
Even words of encouragement about “silly” things (great job taking out the trash!) can be helpful. The point is you want him to notice and respond positively to you in at least some way.
What to do:
Get the compliments started, even if it’s just telling him the lawn he mowed looks great. Compliments are great ways to break the ice and begin warming up to someone. Offering a compliment to him can be a solution if you start to notice signs your husband is not attracted to you.
In the video below, Matthew Hussey provides solid tips on how to compliment that will seem heart-touching and genuine. Check them out:
9. “Quality” time together feels forced
Not making time for you is, of course, an issue, but sometimes even if you have time together, it’s not the quality time you need.
Maybe he keeps up with the date night routine, or you two still do brunch on Sundays, but does that time together feel good? Or does it feel like he can’t wait for it to be over?
If it feels like spending time with you is a chore for him, you might be justified in feeling – “I think these are signs my husband isn’t attracted to me”.
What to do:
If you’re stuck in a routine, shake it up and do something new. If you’ve tried that, then focus on the environment.
For example, taking a long walk together can create an opportunity to connect. Even if the conversation is dragging, enjoying a quiet walk with each other can create calm and a feeling of bounding.
10. He doesn’t share his interests or hobbies with you
If you have been together for years, you may think you know all his interests, but do you? Does he share his thoughts, opinions, or ideas with you? Does he ever mention something he wants to try or learn about?
For example, if he is a sports guy, has he mentioned how his favorite team is performing? If he no longer shares his interest or hobbies, it’s a sign he is distancing himself.
What to do:
You can always ask him, but even better, if you can find something you two can do together.
Maybe he loves horror movies, and you can suggest a marathon night. Perhaps he plays fantasy football, and you can ask him to teach you about it. Show interest in him and share your own. You might realize you are getting to know each other all over again.
11. He is no longer dependable
Is he not showing up when he says he will? Can you trust he will be there for you when needed? Was he supposed to pick you up and forgot?
Sure, things can slip our minds at times, and we’ve all dropped the ball sometimes, but if he never follows through and you can’t depend on him, this is a sign he is losing his attraction.
What to do:
Ask him to help you with a project or chore and complete it together. Be clear it is important to you and what you are asking from him. Giving him a clear “ask” and explaining its importance to you can help draw his attention back to your marriage.
12. He calls you names
Calling your spouse names (like ugly, dumb, or even worse) is verbal abuse. Has he changed the way he talks to you or about you? Does he show you respect and treat you with dignity?
If you realize your husband doesn’t respect you and is verbally, emotionally, sexually, or physically abusive, it’s important you reach out for help. Therapy is always a good idea, and you can also connect with trained advocates who can listen to your concerns and share with you knowledge and resources.
Have a conversation to see where he’s coming from. Maybe he doesn’t recognize that he’s stopped making an effort. Tell your husband how much small gestures of his love mean to you. You might even try leading by example and trying to show romance to him.
14. He doesn’t check in with you throughout the day.
This may look like every phone call or text message conversation involving day-to-day necessities, like who is picking up dinner or whether the electric bill is paid.
If there is still an attraction between the two of you, your husband should be checking in regularly to ask about how your day is going or to tell you that he is thinking of you.
What to do:
Maybe things have just become too routine between the two of you. Try taking the first step and sending him a message throughout the day to tell him you are thinking of him and see how he responds.
15. He seems annoyed by everything you do.
Maybe you suggest an idea to try something together, and he rolls his eyes or tells you it is foolish, or perhaps he just seems irritated by your presence. If this is the case, it could be a sign of lost attraction to the wife.
What to do:
Have a conversation with him and tell him how it seems like he is irritated by you, and you find it upsetting. Try to get to the root of the problem to see what is causing this attitude from him.
If you are noticing some of the signs your husband is not attracted to you, you are probably wondering why he has seemingly lost attraction.
There can be several reasons for this.
Your husband may be dealing with a declining sex drive, which occurs naturally with age. This may mean that you need to make extra effort to reignite the spark between the two of you.
Another reason for the loss of attraction could include poor communication between the two of you. If you just haven’t been on the same page or have had a great deal of conflict, the psychological attraction between you two may decline.
The attraction may also decline if you are struggling with your own lack of confidence. Perhaps you don’t feel your best, or you haven’t been taking care of yourself. When you don’t feel good about yourself, it can affect the way others perceive you, too.
Feeling unwanted by your husband can cause a lot of emotional pain. It is important to remember that sometimes we get comfortable in our marriage and maybe give off messages we do not mean to.
Miscommunication can create tension. So, it is always important to work towards expressing and actively listening to your husband. Couples or Family Therapy are both good solutions to improve or learn new skills for our relationship.
No matter what direction you decide to try, the most important thing is how you feel about yourself. Take time to focus on yourself, and as you build up your confidence, your husband (and others!) will notice.
If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married.
Jenni Jacobsen is a licensed social worker with a master's degree in social work from The Ohio State University, and she is in the process of completing her dissertation for a Doctorate of Philosophy in Psychology. She has worked in the social work field for 8 years and is currently a professor at Mount Vernon Nazarene University. She writes website content about mental health, addiction, and fitness.
Licensed as both a social worker through Ohio Board of Counselors, Social Workers, and Marriage/Family Therapists and school social worker through Ohio Department of Education as well as a personal trainer through American Council on Exercise.