First Relationship After Being Widowed: Problems, Rules and Tips

Dating after becoming a widow is understandably challenging. You are likely to still be grieving the loss of your spouse, but you may struggle with loneliness and desire an intimate relationship.

You might think that you are ready to date again, but you probably also feel guilty, as if you are disrespecting your deceased spouse by moving on too soon. Here, learn about how to handle the first relationship after being widowed, as well as ways to tell you’re ready to date again.

Also Try: Finding Out If I Am Ready To Date Again Quiz

3 Signs you are ready for a relationship after being widowed

It can be challenging to determine if you are ready to start dating after becoming a widow. No matter how much time has passed, you are likely to have thoughts of your spouse still, even if you are ready to begin dating again.

If you’re considering when to start dating after the death of a spouse, here are the following signs a widower is ready to move on:

1. You’re no longer consumed by grief

Everyone has their own way of grieving, as well as their own timeline for grieving the loss of a spouse.

While grief is a normal part of experiencing the death of a loved one, if you are still consumed by grief and actively mourning the death of your spouse, you are probably thinking about dating too soon after the death of a spouse.

On the other hand, if you have mostly returned to your normal level of functioning, are actively engaged in work or other activities you previously did, and find that you can get through the day without crying for your former partner, you may be ready to date again.

2. You’ve learned how to live life on your own

Suppose you jump into your first relationship after being widowed out of nothing but loneliness.

In that case, you may not be ready to date, but if you’ve spent some time alone and found happiness participating in your own hobbies and spending time with friends, you’re probably ready to jump into the dating world.

Dating after widowhood first requires you to have confidence in yourself to not rely upon a new relationship to fill any voids in your life.

3. You have reached a point where you no longer feel a need to compare everyone to your former spouse

One of the signs of a widower dating too soon is that they compare everyone to their spouse. If you are set on finding someone identical to your spouse who has passed, this means you aren’t ready to date yet.

When you accept that your new partner will be different from your spouse, you will find that you’re more open to dating new people.

Related Reading: Steps to Moving on After the Death of Spouse

How long should a widow wait before dating?

Many people wonder, “How long should a widow wait to date?” after they’ve lost a spouse, but there isn’t a “one size fits all answer.” Some people may be ready to date after several months, whereas others may need years to recover.

Whether you are ready to date will depend upon when you feel ready and show signs that you have moved on to the extent that you can open your heart and mind to someone new.

Most importantly, you should not let other people dictate when you’re ready to have your first relationship after being widowed.

6 Problems that occur while dating after being widowed

When you’re wondering, “When should a widower start dating again?” you should be aware of some problems that can occur when you enter your first relationship after being widowed:

1. You may feel guilty

You loved your spouse and shared your life with them, so you may feel guilty as if you are unfaithful by moving on to another relationship after their passing.

This seems to be a normal reaction because when a loved one dies, you don’t stop loving them or feeling a sense of obligation to them. 

2. Your children may not be happy with you dating again

No matter their age, your children will likely have difficulty coping with you moving on to someone else. Have a conversation with them about why you’re dating again, and be sure to explain to younger children that no one will ever take the place of their deceased parents.

Ultimately, when your children see you happy and thriving with a new partner, some of their reservations will fade. 

3. You feel that you have to stop loving your former partner

You can continue to feel positive about your former spouse, even when finding love after being widowed. Your new partner should not replace your deceased spouse, so it is okay to continue to have a passion for your former spouse.

4. You may have a hard time learning to love again

It’s easy to get caught up in your grief and tell yourself that you’ll never love someone again, and this is something you can overcome with time.

Once you open your heart to the possibility of loving someone else, you may be ready for dating after widowhood. 

5. You might find yourself talking too much about the past

Your former spouse will always be part of you, but your new relationship may take a turn for the worst if you spend all of your time with your new partner talking about your sadness over the loss of your spouse. 

6. There may be some uncertainties

There may be some uncertainties when defining the new relationship and deciding upon where it will go long term. If you choose to enter the world of dating after becoming a widow, you may eventually find yourself in a serious relationship.

This will require you to make tough decisions, such as whether or not to get married again, and whether you will move in with your new partner.

You may have to consider giving up the home you shared with your former spouse, or moving your new partner into the house you shared during your previous married life.

Related Reading: How to Date a Widower – What to Do and What to Avoid

3 Things to do before entering your first relationship after being widowed

There is no specific timeline for when you can begin dating again after being widowed, but you will need to ensure you’ve done the following before dating after widowhood:

1. Let go of guilt

Remember, it is okay to love more than one person during your lifetime, and if you want to have a successful relationship after losing your spouse, you have to let go of your guilt and allow yourself to love again

2. Decide what you want and need from a relationship

If you and your deceased spouse married during early adulthood and spent your lives together, you were probably looking for specific traits in each other when you initially began dating.

On the other hand, when looking to date after widowhood, you’re probably looking for different things in a partner than you wanted earlier in life. Decide what it is that you want from your new relationship. Are you looking for casual dating, or do you want to find a life companion?

Related Reading: How To Know What You Want in a Relationship

3. Establish connections

Ask friends if they know someone interested in dating, or try to make connections at church or through activities you participate in. You might also consider online dating.

Related Reading: Overcoming Mental Agony After the Death of a Spouse

5 Tips for dating after being widowed

Once you’ve decided when to start dating after the death of a spouse, there are some tips to keep in mind for your new relationship:

1. Be honest with your new partner, but don’t share everything with them

Your status as a widow is essential. Most relationships involve discussing previous partnerships, so it is vital to be honest with your partner about your history and that you experienced the loss of a spouse.

Just be careful not to share too much and allow the entire focus of your relationship to be on your loss.

Related Reading: Should You Tell Your Partner Everything About Your Past or Not?

2. Don’t allow your new partner to be your therapist

If you need time to process your grief, you should do so with a professional, not your new partner. The relationship likely will not be successful if your time spent together involves you lamenting the loss of your spouse with your new partner consoling you.

If your grief is so severe that you cannot refrain from talking about your loss every time you and your new partner are together, you’re probably dating too soon after the death of a spouse. 

3. Don’t rush into things

If you’ve been feeling lonely since your spouse passed away, it is only natural that you’ll want a new relationship to fill the void; however, you must take things slowly.

If you are so quick to find a replacement for your deceased spouse that you rush into a new committed partnership, you may end up in a relationship that isn’t the best fit for you long-term. 

4. Ensure your new partner is comfortable with the situation

Ensure that your new partner will be able to handle the fact that you’ve been married before and will continue to love your former spouse. Some people may feel insecure over the fact that you’re mourning the loss of your previous spouse and still have feelings of love for that person.

This means that for a successful first relationship after being widowed, you will need to have an honest conversation and ensure that your new partner will be able to cope with your lingering feelings toward your former spouse.

If you are a widowed person’s new partner, watch this video to know what to expect from your relationship.

5. Avoid creating competition between your former spouse and new partner

While it is natural to miss your former spouse and have lasting feelings toward them, you should avoid creating a competition or making your new significant other feel like they have to live up to the standard that your former spouse set.

For instance, you should never make comments such as, “John would have handled this better than you.” Remember, your new partner won’t be a replica of your former spouse, and you have to learn to accept this.

Related Reading: What Are the Pros and Cons of Widow Remarriage

Conclusion

Dating after becoming a widow can lead people to ask several questions, such as “How long should a widow wait to date?” “Can a widower fall in love again?”, “How can a widow get back into dating?”

Losing a spouse is tragic and can lead to lasting feelings of grief. Everyone grieves differently and will be ready to date again at different times.

It is entirely acceptable to take time to grieve before dating again, but once you find that you can get through the day without weeping over the loss of your spouse or fixating most of your time and energy on mourning, you may be ready to date again.

Getting back into dating after the death of a spouse will require you to set aside your guilt, have a conversation with your children, and be prepared to be honest with a potential new partner.

Suppose you find that you have difficulty preparing yourself for your first relationship after being widowed. In that case, you may need additional time to grieve, or you may benefit from working with a therapist for grief counseling or attending a support group.