Community and Q&A websites are full of messages like “my boyfriend says he never wants to get married – what should I do?” There can be several explanations depending on the circumstances. One of them is the already existing marriage experience and divorce.
A divorced guy has a different way of looking at things than those who have never been married. So the reason that he doesn’t want to get married again is a clue to predict if he would change his mind in the future.
7 Reasons Why he doesn’t want to get married again
Why guys don’t want to get married again after being divorced or separated?
Let’s inspect a few of the most common arguments used by divorced men to stay away from marriage or why they decide on never getting married again.
1. They don’t see the benefits of marrying again
Perhaps, from a rational point of view, marriage doesn’t make sense these days for them. And men are not the only ones with this opinion. A lot of women share it too. One indication of this is a slight decline in married couples over the past years.
A 2019study by Pew Research showed that the number of married couples decreased by 8% from 1990 to 2017. The fall is not drastic but noticeable nonetheless.
He doesn’t want to get married again because not all men see how a second marriage can benefit them, and that’s the primary reason why men don’t want to get married anymore. Their tendency to think logically makes them weigh all the pros and cons of marriage, and only after that, they choose the best option.
So the more disadvantages a guy finds, the less likely he will want to marry.
Let’s look at the situation from a divorced man’s perspective. He has already tasted the limitations and downsides of marriage and now wants to enjoy his newfound freedom. Tying the knot would mean losing or reinventing himself all over again.
Why would a guy give up his independence if he can have access to love, sex, emotional support, and everything else a woman provides without legal consequences?
In earlier days, two people felt obligated to unite for financial or religious reasons. However, now the need for marriage is less dictated by social norms and more by psychological needs.
In the previously mentioned study, 88% of Americans cited love as the main reason for marriage. By comparison, financial stability makes only 28% of Americans want to formalize the relationship. So yeah, there’s still hope for those who believe in love.
2. They are afraid of divorce
Divorce often gets messy. Those who have gone through it once are terrified to face it again. He doesn’t want to get married again because men might believe that family law is biased and gives women the power to send their ex-husbands to the cleaners.
Now, we won’t elaborate on possible gender disparity in family law courts as it’s not the scope of this article. But to be fair, many men end up with alimony obligations and have to drain their monthly budget to send paychecks to their ex-wives.
And let’s not forget about the emotional turmoil these poor fellows have suffered.
So who can blame them if they never get married again?
Luckily for women, not all divorced men no longer want to get married. In 2021, the U.S. Census Bureau released areport that included divorced men and remarriage statistics. 18.8% of men have been married twice as of 2016. Third marriages were less common – only 5.5%.
Men who do start a family for the second or third time are more conscious about it. Most of them try to learn from their mistakes and approach the new relationship with more wisdom.
3. They cannot support a new family
Some men never remarry after divorce because of financial issues left over from the previous marriage. What are those?
First of all, it’s alimony or spousal support. Its amount can be a heavy burden, especially when there is also child support. Men with these obligations often postpone getting into a new serious relationship because they cannot financially support a new wife and possibly new children.
He doesn’t want to get married again because he’s concerned about the financial side. It’s a good sign. Nothing is lost yet, and you can expect him to change his mind.
After all, alimony and child support are temporary. The duration of spousal support is half of the time a couple lived together in most states.
And child support will end when a child becomes of age. It doesn’t mean that a guy should wait for five or more years to propose. If he wants to create a quality partnership with a new person, he will look for a way to solve financial difficulties earlier.
4. They haven’t recovered from the previous relationship
In the early stages, a divorced man feels too frustrated to consider starting a new family. Often, the first relationship after divorce is a way to relieve pain and recover. In such a case, the man’s feelings for the new woman are usually temporary and end when he returns to normal.
Some men are honest about this stage and will say straight away that they are not looking for a life partner at the moment. However, others are not so truthful. They can slightly embellish the situation and their intentions towards a new partner and even mention their plans to marry again.
Anyway, it doesn’t take a relationship expert to understand how emotionally unstable people feel right after a divorce and that they need time to figure out what to do next. It’s wishful thinking to expect any wise decisions during this period, especially concerning marriage.
While thinking of marrying a divorced man, the best a woman can do is give her partner some time to put the pieces of his life back together and see how it goes. If he still doesn’t want a new family after the recovery period, he probably means it.
It’s up to a woman to decide if she can live with that or if she wants more.
Check out this video by Alan Robarge about healing from the previous relationship and how it can cause insecure future relationships if not treated:
5. They are afraid to lose their freedom
Men have an inner desire for independence and are terrified that someone may restrict them in their freedom. This fear plays a big part in why guys don’t want to get married the first time, let alone the second or third.
If they are contemplating getting married again after divorce, they might develop an even more pragmatic approach to the relationship. A pragmatist is someone with a practical approach to life, rather than romantic.
These men start evaluating relationships from a rational point of view. For example, if permission to do whatever they like is not part of the deal, they might not want it at all.
“Through marriage, a woman becomes free, but a man loses freedom,” wrote German philosopher Immanuel Kant in his Lectures on Anthropology in the 18th century. He believed that husbands could no longer do whatever they pleased after the wedding and had to conform to their wives’ way of living.
It’s fascinating how times change, but people and their behavior stay the same.
6. They believe that marriage would ruin love
Divorce doesn’t happen in one day. It’s a long process that includes emotional trauma, self-doubt, disagreements, and many other unpleasant things. But how did it come to this? Everything was so clear initially, and then suddenly, a couple once very much in love becomes total strangers.
Could a marriage kill the romantic mood and ruin happiness?
It sounds a bit overdramatic, but that’s what some people believe. Men don’t want marriage to destroy the idyllic relationship that they have now. Plus, a lot of guys are afraid their partner would change, both in character and looks.
In reality, a wedding does not play any part in the relationship’s failure. It’s all about the original expectations and the efforts a couple makes to strengthen their ties. All relationships need work and commitment. If we don’t spend enough time nurturing them, they will fade like flowers without water.
7. Their feelings for a new partner are not deep enough
Some relationships are doomed to stay at square one without progressing to a new level. It’s not a bad thing if both partners agree. But if a man says that he doesn’t believe in marriage and his partner wants to create a family, it becomes a problem.
A man could enjoy spending time with a new girlfriend, but his feelings for her are not deep enough to propose. So, if he says he doesn’t want to get married again, he may mean that he doesn’t want his current girlfriend to become his wife.
Such a relationship only lasts until one of the partners finds a better option.
The signs that a man will never remarry after divorce is a topic for another lengthy discussion. He doesn’t want to get married again or has matrimonial intentions if he’s discreet about his life, keeps an emotional distance, and doesn’t introduce his girlfriend to his friends and family.
Eventually, some men can change their minds and decide to create a new family. The primary reason marriage could become an attractive option again is its higher value compared to possible restrictions.
Different men have different approaches to remarriage. For example, some propose very quickly, while others weigh all the pros and cons first. But often, strong feelings such as love and passion can outweigh the perceived disadvantages of marriage, including financial and housing issues.
Other reasons that may lead a man to propose include:
the desire for a stressless home environment that a woman can provide
When it comes to divorced men and remarriage, remember that not all men can remarry immediately after a divorce. Let’s not forget that some states (Kansas, Wisconsin, etc.) have a statutory waiting period for a divorced person to get married again.
So, when can a person remarry after divorce? The answer depends on the laws of the particular state. Roughly, a person can remarry in thirty days to six months after the final judgment.
If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married.
Natalie Maximets is a certified life transformation coach with expertise in post-divorce recovery. She is a graduate of Transformation Academy in Florida with proficiency in cognitive-behavioral therapy and rational emotive behavior therapy. Natalie is also a freelance writer and a part of the OnlineDivorce.com team