What Is True Intimacy in Marriage and How to Build It?

When you hear the word intimacy between couples, some might think about their sexual bond. It’s much more than that.

True intimacy between couples is that powerful sense of closeness they have for one another. It’s more than just sexual gratification; it is how a couple connects emotionally, intellectually, experientially, and spiritually.

By achieving true intimacy, you’re not just connected as a couple in love; you also feel the stability that the both of you share as you live your life as a married couple.

We’ll learn the different types of intimacy, ways how we can strengthen our intimacy, and the signs that you’re already enjoying real intimacy in your relationship.

What does true intimacy in marriage mean?

True intimacy in marriage is much more complex than one could imagine. Many couples believe it’s something that happens to you. However, that is different. True intimacy in marriage is something that needs to be worked on.

Yes, your relationship can have limitless love and passion without ever trying for it, but intimacy takes some effort and deliberation. This article will discuss some crucial questions regarding intimacy in marriage and what it is and isn’t.

4 types of intimacy in marriage

Now that we know why intimacy is important in marriage, it’s time to understand the different types of intimacies and how they apply and strengthen a romantic relationship.

1. Spiritual intimacy

We might have heard this before. Some couples, thinking that it’s not that important, often neglect spiritual intimacy.

However, spiritual intimacy or Christian marriage intimacy is a beautiful experience of allowing yourself to move closer to God as you grow closer to one another. 

As we can find in the biblical intimacy in marriage, spiritual intimacy can be a source of strength and support in a relationship. It gives the couple a sense of purpose, meaning, and hope.

It can also provide a sense of inner peace when you’re troubled and a deeper understanding of the world and each person’s role in it.

Ultimately, spiritual intimacy can deepen the bond between partners and bring them closer together on a profound level.

2. Sexual intimacy

This may be the most common definition of people when we talk about true intimacy. Indeed, it’s part of the intimacy list because a couple who is in love will make love.

Sexual intimacy is that close and connected experience shared between two people in love. It involves physical and emotional acts that are sexual. It can range from holding hands, kissing, and hugging to sexual intercourse and everything in between.

It’s how you show your partner love, respect, and affection. It’s also a way how you can deepen your connection as a couple.

Related Reading: 10 Ways on How to Reconnect With Your Spouse Sexually

3. Intellectual intimacy

When we talk about intellectual intimacy, we mean the level of closeness between couples based on their love of learning, sharing mutual interests, and how they converse, share ideas, and even have healthy debates.

Having an intellectually intimate relationship with your partner will feed your intelligence and curiosity and allow both of you to grow.

This type of intimacy can bring a sense of excitement to your relationship as it stimulates your thinking and, thus, deepens your connection with each other.

Having intellectual intimacy in your relationship can also provide your relationship with a sense of validation and support for each partner’s intellectual passions and pursuits.

4. Emotional intimacy

What is true intimacy in terms of emotional aspects? Emotional intimacy refers to the intimate and connected experience of the couple. It’s that deep sense of emotional closeness, trust, and even showing one’s vulnerability.

It’s a sense of closeness apart from any physical touch, built upon mutual respect, understanding, and empathy.

Emotional intimacy involves two people comfortably sharing their feelings, thoughts, and experiences. In return, both partners feel seen, heard, and supported.

If you are in a relationship with emotional intimacy, you will feel safe sharing your secrets, hopes, fears, and even doubts. You know you won’t face judgment or rejection.

Emotional intimacy is an essential aspect of a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

10 ways to build true intimacy in marriage

Learning the true intimacy meaning is step one. The next step is to build intimacy in your relationship. It might surprise you that building intimacy in your marriage or relationship is easy.

You must be aware, willing, and put effort into these acts. Here are some ways how you can build true intimacy.

1. Show your love and make love

The first thing that usually pops into a person’s mind when they hear the word “intimacy” is sex. And, if you were to sift through magazines in search of advice on intimacy in marriage, you’d probably come across many articles that associate the two. 

You can even find out that, without sex, you stand zero chance of true intimacy in a relationship. Is this the case?

The short answer is no, it isn’t. Now, the longer one. Sex is a complicated matter in itself, and it can occur in many shades, between a senseless act and the most profound expression of intimacy.

Therefore, although it is somewhat associated with true intimacy in marriage, these two phenomena cannot be considered the same.

If this sounds like something is missing, you might be right. Let’s not ignore the contribution that physical love provides to a marriage.

Of course, this is only the case if it is done right. What does it mean? Physical love can take many shapes and forms. For it to symbolize intimacy, it must suit both partners; it must be spontaneous and free of any pressure.

If it is wild sex, great! If it is just holding hands, that is also great! There is no prescription for it, but to be sure, it’s your genuine expression of love and care. Ignore the magazines. Pick your display of closeness.

Bottom line: Use your love language to show your love.

Related Reading: 30 Signs He Is Making Love to You

2. Give your time

Many couples feel that the manifestation of true intimacy in marriage is being together all the time. However, same as with the previous misconception about marriage, the issue is much more complex than that. 

And similarly, it can’t be said that spending your free time together is necessary for true marital intimacy.

Moreover, couples can be inseparable from one another for entirely wrong reasons, the complete opposite of intimacy. 

If a relationship develops into an unhealthy dynamic of codependence, for example, the spouses will feel unbearable anxiety if they’re apart. But this is a toxic connection that can’t be further from true intimacy.

For an individual to feel intimate with another human being, they need to feel comfortable within themselves. 

To achieve this level of confidence, you need to nurture your interests and pursue your passions, so you shouldn’t be afraid of spending time apart here and there. It won’t drive you apart; it will bring you closer together.

Bottom line: Spend time together to strengthen your bond, but also value the time you have for yourselves to grow.

3. Have long and meaningful conversations

Another myth surrounding the question of true intimacy in marriage revolves around expressing negative emotions and frustration. It is perfectly normal to experience a range of negative feelings towards your spouse.

You spend much time together and share many aspects of your life. Friction is bound to happen. However, many couples fear these emotions, as they interpret them as a sign of looming detachment.

This isn’t the case. What could happen unexpectedly is that you become distant if you avoid expressing your feelings, dissatisfaction, and doubts. As research shows, there are several ways in which intimacy is avoided, and some include precisely evading open and direct expressions of negative emotions.

Bottom line: Talk to each other and don’t be afraid to open up.

4. Appreciate one another

Start learning how to create intimacy by showing appreciation to your partner. We all know that no one wants to feel that unappreciated.

When you’re in love, you do things out of your heart, but you also want your partner to show they appreciate your efforts.

There could be many ways to show your appreciation for your partner. You can write a letter, kiss them goodnight and thank them for the day, or tell them how much you appreciate them upfront.

Bottom line: Appreciation can make a tremendous difference in your relationship and to your partner.

Related Reading: 8 Ways to Show Appreciation to the Love of Your Life

5. Laugh and have fun

Did you know we can achieve true intimacy through shared experiences, including having fun?

By spending time together and doing things together, you build core memories for your marriage. Aside from that, this strengthens your bond, allows you to learn more about each other, and relieve stress together.

Run together, watch a movie, swim, go on a picnic, cook a new dish together, or do something cute and silly.

Bottom line: Have fun, spend time together, and enjoy each other’s company.

6. Be present and emotionally available

Intimacy and marriage go hand in hand. We may learn it’s nice to build memories and experiences, but even when it gets tough, we can still build intimacy.

When your partner feels off, stressed or sad, be there for them. Never allow them to feel alone in their battle. You don’t have to solve their problems, but you are already doing so much just by being there.

Comforting them, listening, and offering advice can do so much. A couple with true intimacy is there for each other through thick and thin. They provide emotional support during difficult times and celebrate each other’s accomplishments.

Bottom line: Always be there for your partner or spouse.

7. Build your faith together

Spiritual or Christian intimacy in marriage is all about strengthening your spiritual intimacy. How do you do that? How does it help nurture true intimacy?

Spiritual intimacy nurtures the relationship by understanding one’s purpose, values, beliefs, and a connection to a higher power.

A couple can strengthen it by listening to a sermon, attending weekly service, reading a devotional and taking turns telling what they got out of it. You can also choose to serve together at a food pantry, homeless shelter, or local ministry.

Bottom line: Spiritual intimacy can deepen the bond between partners and bring them closer together.

8. Listen to your partner

Do you want to know how to build intimacy in your day-to-day lives? Practice active listening.

Listening to your partner is essential to building and maintaining intimacy in a relationship. You just don’t listen for the sake of it. True intimacy involves actively paying attention to what your partner is saying.

You don’t judge, interrupt, or give unsolicited advice. Effective listening also involves giving your partner your full attention. This is also respect and you can do this by setting aside your gadgets.

Listening to one another will also help prevent future misunderstandings and conflicts. It’s a fundamental part of communication.

Bottom line: Active listening can build trust, increase intimacy, and strengthen the bond between partners.

Related Reading: How to Use Active Listening and Validation to Improve Your Marriage

Want to learn active listening skills? Alex Lyon, Ph.D., shares some skills that you can use to be able to listen actively. 

9. Shower your partner with nonsexual touches

Sometimes, one of the easiest ways to build intimacy in marriage is through nonsexual touches. Don’t just be physical when you’re making love.

Practice loving touches all the time. Hug your partner, tie her hair, massage him, or just cuddle before you sleep.

Science has proven that touches can relieve stress and tension and give us happiness. Aside from that, you’ll feel closer to your partner than ever before.

Bottom line: Cuddle, massage, and hug your partner whenever possible.

10. Conflict resolution and lessons to learn

Finally, there is also a fairytale that can be devastating regarding true intimacy in marriage. There is an idea that two truly close people won’t go to bed angry.

This propaganda might work against you. Yes, avoidance is the worst kind of coping with conflicts but trying to resolve a problem at any cost before you finish your day could cause many sleepless nights.

When you get all worked up because of a fight with your spouse, sometimes it is a good idea to get some rest, even if you go to bed angry at each other. In other words, sometimes, you need a fresh mind and a new perspective.

And these will only happen for you if you get some rest. Many times, what you realize in the morning is that you were fighting over the most trifle thing in the whole world.

Bottom line: Learn to resolve your conflicts. In certain situations, you may need time apart before fixing your issues. What’s important is that you learn from this misunderstanding.

Related Reading: 7 Causes for Conflict in Marriage and How to Resolve Them

10 signs of true intimacy in a marriage

Creating intimacy takes time, but how do you know if you’ve already achieved true intimacy in your relationship? Here are ten examples.

1. You can be vulnerable with your partner

You are not afraid to show your vulnerable side to each other. You are both confident that the person you love won’t judge or reject you. You can talk to your partner about anything and you don’t feel the need to hold back.

Related Reading: 5 Tips to Recover From the Fear of Vulnerability

2. Your faith is strong

Your beliefs, values, and faith in God are strong. You’re proud of what you have achieved over time and you know you can get past any hardships in life because you have found a partner with the same faith as yours.

3. You love and appreciate nonsexual intimacy

You make love, and it’s beautiful, but you also value nonsexual intimacy. You treasure the moments of cuddling, soft kisses, hugs, and those appreciation words you often hear from your partner. These acts of love are also very satisfying.

4. You know how to respect each other’s boundaries

We’ve heard so much marriage advice about setting and respecting boundaries, even as a married couple. When you’ve found true intimacy, you can do this effortlessly. You understand the need for boundaries, even for couples, and you both respect that.

5. When you’re with your partner, you don’t feel judged

You know you have reached true intimacy if you feel comfortable saying or doing anything (within reason) to your partner. You feel like you’re talking to your best friend.

You’re not afraid that your partner will get disappointed or would judge you and vice versa.

6. You know you can rely on your partner

Life comes with challenges, and yes, it can be tough. Real intimacy is when you know you can rely on and get support from your partner when needed.

When you need someone to help, listen to, support, or just be there, you know you have that someone.

Related Reading: 10 Emotional Needs You Shouldn’t Expect Your Partner to Fulfill

7. Your connection is undeniable

While reading this, are you thinking about your partner? That’s a good sign of true intimacy. You’ve reached a whole new level of intimacy; sometimes, you just look at each other and know what the other is thinking.

It’s cute, fun, and a sure sign that you’ve reached true intimacy and friendship.

8. You prioritize each other

Couples that give time to each other and prioritize each other know how to create intimacy. You don’t have to do everything together, but you know the importance of allotting time to bond, and that’s a good habit to keep.

Related Reading: 5 Ways on How to balance priorities in Marriage

9. If something happens, you want to tell your partner first

They have approved your salary increase petition. You excuse yourself and call your partner. You’re excited to tell your partner the big news. It’s the same with any significant event in your life. 

Good or bad, the first person you want to tell it to is your partner. That’s what intimacy is all about and you’ve got it.

10. You can spend time together without gadgets

Have you ever spent time with your spouse and just talked for hours? You leave your phone and wonder where you left it. You should be proud if you can get lost in the moment without gadgets, just open and deep conversation. You’ve already reached true intimacy and you’re doing great.

Related Reading: 11 Ways to Spend Some Quality Time With Your Partner

Is it normal to be in a marriage without intimacy?

The answer here is no. Lack of intimacy in all forms in your Marriage means that something is wrong and there may be underlying issues you need to address.

A way to help is through seeking professional marriage counseling sessions to pinpoint the issue and how you can work it out.

Final takeaway

True intimacy is the feeling of ease and trust you develop with your partner. Intimacy could be spiritual, emotional, sexual, or intellectual. These are important if you want a healthy relationship.

Building true intimacy can be achieved by two people who are not just in love but also see each other as a team. Creating a lasting intimacy for a better relationship takes time, effort, respect, and love.

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Rachael Pace Author

Rachael Pace is a noted relationship writer associated with Marriage.com. She provides inspiration, support, and empowerment in the form of motivational articles and essays. Rachael enjoys studying the evolution of loving partnerships... Read more and is passionate about writing on them. She believes that everyone should make room for love in their lives and encourages couples to work on overcoming their challenges together. Read less

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When you and your partner talk about something important…

We listen with care — even hard talks feel safe and productive

We try to talk, but lately emotional closeness feels harder to reach

I want to be open, but part of me still guards my heart

Our discussions sometimes spiral or end unresolved

It’s hard to feel close because our physical intimacy hasn’t felt strong lately

We often see things differently about goals or priorities

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