If ever faced with the question of, “How can I save my marriage when my spouse wants a divorce?” know that there is hope. Many marriages have faced a time when a divorce seemed imminent and then after time passed, they were stronger than ever. Love is amazing, strange and challenging all at once and all relationships need work. Talks of divorce from your wife isn’t the ideal time to start putting in that work but it’s now or never.
Here’s how to get your marriage on the right track, win your lovely wife back, and throw talks of divorce out the window.
Overcome Your Desperation
Becoming hyper-focused on, “My wife wants a divorce” will result in desperation and acting out of desperation is unlikely to yield the outcome you want. Overcoming the desperation to save a marriage begins with acceptance. Of course, you want to remain married but try to reach a point where you can accept whatever happens. This enables you to think more clearly and think before you act. A clear mind is required to develop an action plan to save your marriage.
Understand What’s your Role in All This
Dwell on why she wants to end this marriage in the first place. Is it boredom? Is she out of love for you? If yes, then what caused it?
- Perhaps you promised her you’d be more present for her
- Perhaps you promised that you’d break that porn / addiction / whatever bad habit
- Perhaps you told her there’d be date nights, or sharing the household work, or more time away from the house
The bottom line is all that you promised her didn’t follow through. Maybe she waited hoping you’d change but got tired eventually. Analyse what was your role in pushing her to make a strong decision like this.
Look Your Best
Women are physical creatures just like men. When faced with the dilemma of, my wife wants a divorce but I still love her, use your looks. Put a little product in your hair, do some daily grooming, wear nice clothes (you can look good in comfortable casual wear) and put on cologne. This measure can not only make her more physically attracted to you, which can deter her from the thought of divorce, but you have two other things on your side. Those two things are memories and making an obvious effort. People often improve their appearance following a split but if you still love her, now is the time. Looking your best can bring her back to the start of the relationship when everything was good. That will encourage thoughts of why she fell for you in the first place. Going back to the start can preserve the future. As for the effort, every wife would like her husband to implement a change just for her. It is flattering and shows that you care. Acts of care warm the heart and often spark reconsideration. After learning that your spouse wants a divorce, you need reconsideration on your side.
Ask for a Chance
It is difficult to try to save your marriage when your wife wants a divorce if she isn’t, at least, sort of on board. Fixing a marriage isn’t one sided. Before taking other measures, sit down with your wife and say something like,
“I know our marriage is troubled and I contributed to the problems that got us to this point. I do love you and want to work this out. I think the marriage deserves one last try. If our efforts fail, I can accept that and won’t try to stop proceedings. Can we give this another shot?”
Only ask for a chance if you are really willing to work on the marriage. This isn’t about feeding your wife lines to get her to stay but rather, getting the ok to address issues in the marriage. No one wants to get divorced. Divorces are tough and giving up on such a deep commitment is even tougher. Once she agrees to try to make the marriage work, do your best to communicate with your wife more effectively, initiate positive interactions, take steps to get close again and focus on fun. Fun has a special way of connecting two people. If saving the marriage is what you want, don’t hesitate to lead the way to progress.
Right Your Wrongs
Everyone makes mistakes in relationships so own up to yours and right your wrongs. Rather than doing endless web searches for, ‘How to save my marriage when my spouse wants a divorce’, take action by first addressing that you messed up. Put your pride in a little lock box beside your bed and identify ways you messed up. After you have a list (everyone has a list), determine how you can stop feeding the issue(s). It’s hard to fix what you don’t understand. Following that reflection, deliver a sincere apology. Along with that sincerity, have a conversation with your wife to explain what you can and will do differently. The main thing to remember here is having every intention to follow through and turning those intentions into realities. Words are great but actions will make her stay.
Throw Away Any Urge to Paint Yourself as the Victim
Painting yourself as the victim and developing a ‘poor me, my wife wants a divorce’ attitude will only make things worse. Yes, it is tough and you’re feeling a flourish of emotions but the goal here is positivity. Using guilt to stop a divorce will make both of you miserable because one, you know she doesn’t want to be there and two, she doesn’t want to be there. Instead, start building your confidence and focus on what you have to offer in a relationship.
Everyone has good qualities but many fail to bring them to the forefront. To improve the relationship enough to remove the possibility of divorce, focus on being a better partner. Do more around the house, edit your communication style, show your sweet side, devote more time to spend with your wife and show your appreciation for her. Wives usually are not shy about telling their husbands what they want from them. Think about factors of the marriage she expressed dissatisfaction for and try to meet those needs. A healthy marriage requires that both partners fulfill each other’s needs. It is not too late to start.
When your wife wants a divorce, saving the marriage isn’t just about implementing the tips above. You can go through the motions but that isn’t going to get you anywhere. The goal is identifying what must be done to move past this rough patch and create an environment that allows the relationship to thrive.
Want to have a happier, healthier marriage?
If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married.