“My husband is not affectionate or romantic with me,” said Sindy during the first session with her therapist.
She and her husband Jared had been together for over a decade before they got married. They were both high school sweethearts who met each other during their freshman year and shared a strong and loving relationship. No one could deny the fact that they were head over heels in love with each other.
However, after they got married, she felt that they had slowly started drifting apart.
She felt that their relationship had started to become more monotonous as time passed. She craved hugs and kisses from her husband but wasn’t getting the affection she wanted from her marriage.
This made her feel like she was being taken for granted and that their marriage would not work out because her needs are not being met.
This is the classic story that many marriage counselors come across.
So, have you found yourself in a similar situation as Cindy? In this blog post, we will go over the question, “why doesn’t my husband show me affection?” and share how to bring the affection that you crave back into your marriage.
Has the lack of action from your husband taken you down into the rabbit hole of overthinking or thinking about the worst-case scenario?
You may feel that there is a lot of distance in your marriage and that love is slowly leaving your relationship. You may think that your husband doesn’t love you how he loved you when you were dating.
Some might even jump to conclusions and think that their husband is having an affair!
I feel like you’re putting a lot of effort into your marriage and that your husband is not doing anything. You try to please your husband, expecting him to do the same in return, but he seems not to get the hint!
Does that sound a lot like you?
It’ll bring you a little bit of relief to know that you’re not the only one who is going through this—thousands of women all over the world or feeling precisely the way that you do.
They feel like they have tried everything, but it does not seem to work, and they feel helpless–as if they are trying to open a door that is shut.
When women put more effort into a marriage, it’s normal for a husband to take a back seat and let her do the driving. When a guy’s wife puts a lot of effort into the marriage to him, it may seem like he’s doing something right, which is why she is trying to please him.
And with that train of thought, he stops making a lot of effort because he already has everything he needs and thinks that he’s putting an equal amount of work into the relationship.
However, women see rewards differently. They put work into a relationship, thinking that they will get their needs met as well.
It all comes down to the way that we were socialized as kids.
Let’s go back to dating.
Traditionally, men are the ones who do the chasing and try to please their significant others by bringing them flowers, gifts, taking them out on dates, etc. They’re eager to please their partners and put the effort in to win them over.
However, as time passes, their efforts dwindle due to many factors, and they settle down into committed life. Your husband might not even be aware that he’s not affectionate because you meet his needs for affection.
Now, if you start doing the work and putting in all the effort into the relationship, it is normal for your husband to assume that you’re trying to win him over–which means that he’s doing everything right.
In most cases, the husbands are oblivious about how their wives feel! For them, the marriage couldn’t be better!
Men don’t do well with subtle cues and emotional undertones, as one might think. Studies show that men and women use different parts of the brain for language!
If you go to your female friends with this problem, they will empathize with you and understand how you’re feeling. However, if you go to a male friend, he may not understand your situation at all!
Here’s what Dr. John Gray, the author of Men are From Mars and Women are From Venus has to say:
Why Do Husbands Stop Being Romantic?
Dwindling affection in relationships has many reasons. Before you know what to do when a husband shows no affection, you should know why a man doesn’t show affection.
Let’s take a look at some reasons in this section of the article:
Different Love Languages
You and your husband may have different love languages. While you may like being held and cuddled, your husband may prefer acts of service.
Dr. Gary Chapman highlights five other love languages in his books: words of affirmation, gifts, quality time, physical touch, and acts of kindness.
No affection in a relationship can cause serious damage over time.
If you feel that your needs aren’t being met, you might start to grow resentful, and problems may begin manifesting in your marriage.
So, it is always an excellent idea to address the issues you’re facing instead of letting things go too far.
Can Lack of Affection Ruin Relationships?
Mutual affection is key to a happy and fulfilling marriage. Lack of affection from a husband can stir things up in your relationship.
This issue can seem small and insignificant initially, but it can create a lot of distance between you and your partner over the years. You may start feeling rejected, lonely, frustrated, and hopeless.
All of these feelings will have a negative impact on your marriage’s health.
15 Things To Do When Husband Is Not Affectionate Or Romantic
When Sindy said the words, “My husband is not affectionate or romantic,” to her therapist, she was told the following:
“You cannot change or manipulate your partner into treating you differently, but you can change yourself. Bringing about positive changes within yourself will act as a catalyst to bring a change in your marriage.”
This hit home for Sindy. She decided she needs to stop thinking “ why am I not affectionate?”, and start working on herself.
After all, marriage is the union between two individuals.
Here’s what to do when the husband shows no affection:
Learn to accept your husband the way he is. Instead of focusing on where he’s lacking, please focus on the qualities he does bring to the table.
If you start accepting your husband for who he is, things will be easier for you and your partner.
Try to increase the number of positive interactions between you and do the things you used while dating.
Positive communication will make you both feel happier, and it is one of the best ways to steer clear of conflicts and arguments.
11. Increase intimacy
Build intimacy through shared experiences and sex. The closer you become to your partner, the more fulfilled you’ll start to feel.
Sometimes lack of physical intimacy in a relationship can make you feel detached from your partner. Try to make time for your husband to be intimate. It doesn’t have to lead to sex every time. Try to create little moments.
My husband is not affectionate or romantic is one of the most common reasons women find themselves on a marriage counselor’s couch. You may feel this way even though you’re convinced that your husband loves it, and there’s nothing wrong with it.
People have different love languages, and when you are in a relationship with no affection, it isn’t uncommon to find yourself feeling like you’re being taken for granted when your needs aren’t being met.
Communication is key to fixing issues in your marriage.
Contrary to popular belief, you don’t need to be at the brink of a divorce to seek marriage counseling and therapy. Everyone comes across issues in their marriage, and it is okay to seek help when you think that things aren’t going the way you want them to.
Did we leave any questions unanswered? If so, leave them in the comments, and we’ll get back to you as quickly as possible.
If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married.
Sylvia Smith loves to share insights on how couples can revitalize their love lives in and out of the bedroom. As a writer at Marriage.com, she is a big believer in living consciously and encourages couples to adopt this principle in their lives too. Sylvia believes that every couple can transform their relationship into a happier, healthier one by taking purposeful and wholehearted action.