Why Does He Keep Me Around if He Doesn’t Want a Relationship

You’ve met each other’s friends, gone on a vacation, spent the holidays together, and maybe even bonded with each other’s families. Sounds like a serious relationship, right?

Have you ever asked yourself, “Why does he keep me around if he doesn’t want a relationship?” or wondered, “Why won’t he commit but also won’t let me go?”

According to Kristen Failla, LMFT, “It may be helpful to consider what you bring to the relationship. The answers you discover in exploring this can give you insight into why he may want to keep you around and how you can achieve self-preservation.”

If you have, it’s time to understand why guys do not want a relationship but still want to keep you at arm’s length.

Related Reading: 20 Ways to Tell if a Men Is Confused About His Feelings for You

Do you feel he wants you but doesn’t want to have a relationship with you?

Having feelings for a man who doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you hurts, but what’s more hurtful is when this man gives you mixed signals.

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Have you ever been in a situation where he tells you he’s not ready to be in a relationship but still acts like he is interested? If a guy says he likes you but doesn’t want a relationship, it might be exactly like that.

“Is he playing with me?”

He might, but he doesn’t see you as a potential partner.

Also Try : Are You Ready For Relationship Quiz?

15 real reasons why he keeps you around

No one wants to be an option, so if you have doubts about your current “relationship,” then it’s time to decode the 15 real reasons why he is keeping you at arm’s length but won’t go any further.

1. He wants you but not a relationship

“He says he doesn’t love me but acts as he does.”

He might sincerely like or even love you, but he’s not ready to be in a relationship.

Sometimes, it’s as simple as that, but keeping you close to him gives him the benefits of having a partner without the label.

You need to ask him directly about your status. No one wants to stay in a confusing relationship.

Related Reading: 5 Things to Do if You Are Confused in a Relationship

2. He’s not sure about what he wants

“He doesn’t want a relationship but won’t let me go.”

He keeps coming back to you because he knows your value but is unsure about his feelings. Some people don’t know what they want in life and their relationships. He would also do this with his career and even with his goals in life.

While there is a chance that he would commit, would it be better if you talked and made sense of things as soon as possible?

3. He’s afraid to be alone

“He’s still with me even when he says he doesn’t want a relationship.”

If you feel that this guy is not going to commit yet is still lingering around you, showing you sweetness and asking you out, then it looks like he doesn’t want to be alone.

Without you and your attention, he would feel alone, and for someone who has gotten used to your care, he wouldn’t want to let that go.

If he wants to eat out or watch a movie and no one is available, he can call you anytime because you’ll always have time for him. You keep him company and make extra efforts for him – a great reason to keep you close.

If you feel like this, reassess your situation because you don’t want to be his option when he’s bored.

Related Reading: How the Fear of Being Alone Can Destroy Potential Love Relationships

4. He doesn’t want another man to have you

“Why does he keep me around if he doesn’t want a relationship?”

When you feel it’s time to move on, this guy might appear again and show you love and affection.

Confusing, right?

He’s likely making sure you still have feelings for him because he doesn’t want another man to have you. A man like this sees you as a property, not a partner. It’s for his ego and not because he has feelings for you.

It may work once, but you must wake up if you see a pattern.

Kristen Failla highlights, “When someone keeps a person in their life who they know has romantic feelings for them, especially unreciprocated, this can be a form of psychological manipulation (often referred to as ‘using ‘).”

5. He’s afraid of hurting you

“Why won’t he let me go if he doesn’t want me?”

Sometimes, the only reason why a guy can’t cut off ties is that he’s afraid of hurting you. Sounds like he’s a good guy, right? He may actually be.

If you have a traumatic past and he knows about it, then breaking up with you will be hard.

It may be time to talk seriously with each other and ask him if you’re ready to know what he feels.

6. He doesn’t like drama

“How come he doesn’t want me? Am I not good enough?”

Some men hate drama and wouldn’t want to initiate a breakup. He may be worried that everything will be complicated once he becomes honest and ends it.

Maybe, he’s just waiting for you to end everything.

7. He values your friendship

Why do guys keep you around if they’re not interested in you? It could be because they value your friendship with them.

Some friendships develop into romantic relationships. Some would work, but some won’t. He may have realized that you are better off as friends but can’t bring himself to break the news to you.

He’s afraid that all the years that you have spent together as friends would go to waste.

If you think it’s time to end it, make it clear to him, and just like close friends, talk about it.

8. You’re convenient for him

“The man is keeping me down by playing with my feelings!”

Do you trust your instincts? You are correct if you feel like he’s only staying with you because he needs you or gets things from you. Some people stay for convenience but are too selfish to commit to a relationship.

If you think your only purpose is this, then have the courage to let go. You deserve better.

9. He thinks flirting is fun

“What if a guy says he doesn’t want a relationship but acts like it?”

For some, flirting is exciting and challenging. He’s not in love with you, and he’s not planning to commit, but he sure loves to challenge himself.

Seeing how good they are at making you fall in love is such an ego boost for them, and chances are, he’s doing it to other women too.

It’s time to reevaluate your self-worth and see his intentions behind the sweet gestures.

10. He thinks you as one of his options

“He doesn’t want me but won’t leave me alone? What gives?”

Some men might not be ready to settle down but want to keep their options open. He might see some qualities he likes in you, so he might keep you close, but chances are, he also has other options.

Break this chain and never allow people to treat you as an option, no matter how much you care about him.

11. He’s not ready for more responsibilities

“He’s giving me mixed signals; I’m unsure if we will even move forward.”

The reality is, some people need more time to be ready to take on responsibilities. He may have genuine feelings, but being single without responsibility is much more appealing to him. Keeping you close without being in a relationship with you gives him the benefits without the responsibilities.

It’s up to you to decide whether this situation works for you.

Related Reading: Why Is Accepting Responsibilities in a Relationship Important?

12. He thinks you will put a leash on him

“How come he doesn’t want me even though we have feelings for each other?”

If you are sure that he has genuine feelings for you but is afraid to commit, then he may think that having a label also means you will put a leash on him.

Calling where he is, when he is coming home, or even checking his phone and laptop may seem too much for some men. That’s why he would rather give you mixed signals and flirt around than commit to a serious relationship.

13. He has issues

Some people have serious issues that affect their relationships. You just find yourself waiting for him, but he can’t commit because he has issues to deal with, yet he wants you to be by his side.

You can help or ask if he needs help resolving issues; maybe, he’ll finally want to have a relationship.

14. For him, you’re not “the one”

Have you ever wondered, “He doesn’t want a relationship but wants to be friends?”

Sadly, when a man likes you but doesn’t want a relationship, he would only ask you for some 

intimate time, then this only means one thing.

He doesn’t think that you’re the one for him.

This will hurt, but it will help you decide if you will stay like this or move on.

15. You’re good in bed

“We’re great in bed, we have chemistry, and he’s so passionate, but after that, he explains he’s not ready for commitment.”

This is another harsh truth to face. This guy can’t let go of you might be because you are an awesome lover, but that’s it. He may not think of you as anything other than a great lover he wants to keep close.

This may break you, but it will also be enough to wake you up from believing that there are other reasons why he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you.

Related Reading: 15 Signs You’re Bad in Bed and What to Do About It

10 signs he likes you but doesn’t want a relationship

It can be awkward to ask a man if they want to commit to a serious relationship.

Kristen Failla mentions, “Another reason a person may keep someone around without wanting a romantic relationship is preservation of friendship. This is why having clear conversations about intentions, goals, and hopes can clarify what people are looking for before feelings of intimacy are developed. “

The good thing here is that you don’t have to ask to get the answers you need directly. You just have to test him and decode his answers.

1. You can’t rely on him

A real relationship isn’t just about happy memories. You become partners that help each other grow and be there for each other when the going gets tough.

If he loves you but doesn’t want a relationship, he won’t be there for you when you go through patches. You will likely find it difficult to depend on this person since their presence in your life might be erratic and unpredictable.

He will do his best to be there for you if he really wants you. He’ll make a way to be there when you need him. If he doesn’t, then he’ll come up with many excuses.

2. He might be inattentive 

Giving your full attention to your significant other is one of the best ways to let them know you love them.

Does he ask about your day and engage in meaningful conversations with you? When he doesn’t want a relationship, you will find that he is easily distracted and does not pay attention to the little things that you do. 

If he wants you, you won’t have to beg for his time or attention. He would gladly give it to you. If he doesn’t, you’ll await your turn on his busy checklist and priorities.

3. He isn’t emotionally vulnerable with you 

We usually talk and open up in front of people we trust. It doesn’t matter if he’s not the talkative one or if he is an introvert; he can still have something to share with you.

He will not share his vulnerable side with you if he keeps you around but doesn’t want a relationship. He will likely keep his deepest secrets close to his chest and not depend on you for understanding and strength. 

He will grab this opportunity to get closer to you if he really wants you. He will make an effort to connect with you and open up. If he doesn’t, he’ll shrug you off and refuse to open up.

Related Reading: 16 Powerful Benefits of Vulnerability in Relationships

4. He won’t discuss the future with you

Have you noticed that he does not discuss the future with you? Has he ever discussed any future plans with you? He won’t do this if 

We’re not suggesting planning your whole wedding, maybe just small details like what you can do in a year or if you want to have a couple of goals, etc.

If he really wants you, you will see his positive reaction. He would also suggest conversing and being part of your plans. He might even accuse you of being too needy if he doesn’t. That’s because he doesn’t see you as a part of his future.

5. He is always busy

If you find that every time you plan something with him, he finds an excuse to opt out of the plan; then this could indicate that he likes you but doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you. 

Someone who is truly interested in being with you will find ways to spend more time with you. They would try to make plans with you and prioritize spending time with you. 

6. He insists on keeping options open

Does he repeatedly insist that you should both keep your options open and not settle for each other? This is a troubling sign as it indicates that he isn’t entirely interested in making things exclusive between the two of you. 

A man truly interested in being with you will find ways to be in a stable relationship with you. Insisting on considering other options indicates that he is still looking for someone he can be with. 

7. Hesitating about labels

If you find that the man in your life is hesitant about giving a label for the nature of your relationship. He won’t be comfortable calling it a “relationship” or referring to both of you as a couple. The lack of a proper relationship is what he would feel most comfortable with if he is not ready to be in a relationship with you. 

Watch this video to understand why relationship labels matter:

8. He gives you mixed signals 

Any relationship therapist will be able to point out that a person giving you mixed signals is usually doing this because their intentions are unclear. They may likely love you but not be interested in being in a relationship with you. 

A person who is completely into you will send you signals that are consistent and clear. 

Related Reading: 15 Mixed Signals in a Relationship – and How to Deal With Them

9. He doesn’t introduce you to his closest friends/family

If a guy is not interested in starting a relationship with you, he will likely keep you away from his family and friends. A person introduces you to their loved ones if he is invested in the idea of the two of you being together

10. He prefers meeting in group settings

If a guy likes you but doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you, he would likely meet you in group settings, so there are fewer chances of you both having one-on-one time. It might be his way of keeping the emotions in check and not allowing you to develop hope.

Related Reading: 15 Benefits of Group Therapy in Relationships

Final thoughts

“Why does he keep me around if he doesn’t want a relationship?”

If this is how you feel and what his actions mean, then it’s time to ask him directly. If you can, it’s still better to talk to him. It’s the only way to make things clear. You don’t waste time and effort on someone who doesn’t consider you a partner.

This may be hard to accept, but most of the time, the only reason why he is keeping you close is that you are always available for him. Sometimes, he may even think you are totally okay with this setup.

It’s time to clear things up and ask for one clear answer.

No more reasons, long stories, and even empty promises. If he really wants you, then he can commit. If he doesn’t, then it’s time to move on.

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