We could have called this article “Do this one thing in your relationship to save it” but that could have been considered ‘clickbait’.
Instead, we assumed that there might just be quite a few couples who are having difficulty trying to do this one thing and instead chose a title that such couples could relate; to how to have the conversation about sex that your relationship might be in desperate need of!
Straightforward and no subtleties – a perfect example of how you and your partner’s conversation about your sex lives should be.
In this article, we shed light as to why it is essential for couples to have a conversation about sex and how to do it the right way.
Sharing intimacy through sex is one of the most joyous aspects of marriage. Our God-given sexual organs are so powerful; they drive us to ecstasy when we orgasm and a connection that we cannot feel any other way. However, the source of all this joy is often considered sinful.
Why you should have a conversation about sex
Initiating a conversation about sex with your partner is one of the best ways to strengthen your intimacy levels.
In long-term relationships, men view their partner’s sexual satisfaction as something that provides them with personal satisfaction, it also affirms their masculinity, and boosts their self-esteem too.
Despite the good benefits of talking about sex in relationships, a result of surveying more than 1,000 people from the US and Europe discovered that the people surveyed just did not talk about their sex lives at all.
Why is there so much taboo and awkwardness?
In the same survey, the common reasons why people didn’t talk about their sex lives were.
- “I didn’t want to hurt my partner’s feelings.”
- “I was too embarrassed.”
- “I was afraid of the outcome of the discussion.”
The top reason is very mindful of the other, however, when one is in a relationship, shouldn’t there be a level of trust that has been established by the couples?
This loss of trust somehow appears again on the third reason why couples are not having the conversation about sex and the second reason appears to be a manifestation of lack of communication between couples.
Doing it the right way
If talking about sex concerns you, there are several ways of doing it effectively (no pun intended!):
1. Just do it
This is an infamous slogan of a famous sports brand, which, honestly, is a great battle cry.
Pushing for a candid conversation, and just going with it, might be appreciated by your partner.
Who knows, all it might take is one frank conversation to start heating up things in the bedroom.
2. Put it in a positive light and express gratitude
People like being appreciated in general. A tactic that could be used in expressing your sexual need is to try expressing these needs by putting it in a more positive light.
Instead of saying: “Can you do X more often?”
Try saying it in this manner: “I love it when you do X. I appreciate it so much.”
If you examine the two statements, there is a visible shift regarding the energy that you are trying to put out.
The best thing about the second statement is that you are also expressing gratitude towards something that your partner is doing for you instead of offering a veiled criticism.
Studies have shown that being appreciated in a relationship is highly valued and promotes a trusting and healthy relationship.
Among its benefits is that the good deed is reinforced and is repeated more.
3. Write it down
Another way to effectively communicate your needs is to do it ‘a la Shakespeare’ and write it down!
If you’re the type of partner, who is more effective when communicating via writing you’ll probably find this approach much easier. But if you’re doing it this way, make sure that you’re communicating it loud and clear.
4. Get visual with a show and tell
Some partners make use of a little pornography, whether in books or in video form, to convey what they want to do. However, take caution, as a little too much of this pornography might become counterproductive for your relationship.
What to do when your partner doesn’t want to listen to you
Discussing one’s sexual need is vital in any relationship, whether you’re already married or not. So, what do you do if your partner chooses not to listen to you?
A favorite love quotation by Alfred Lord says, “‘It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”
Sure you’ve done your best to communicate and convey your needs in manners that would have guaranteed success, but if your partner chooses not to listen to you, maybe it’s to call in the reinforcements, a sex therapist.
It is also important to expect that not all fantasies will be well-received by our partners. After all, we’re different people, and we’re bound to have different desires and needs.
Calling in a sex therapist or a counselor could be helpful in communicating even the most sensitive of matters.
Get down to business!
With all of the information provided to us by the experts, it’s time for you and your partner to work on the sexual aspect of your relationship by beginning to talk about it.
Having sexual desires and fantasies is entirely normal and should not to be considered a taboo. When you start discussing these needs with your partner, you’re making your relationship stronger, and you’re inviting your partner closer.
Proper communication breeds healthier intimacy levels and more robust intimacy levels mean healthier sex life. So, go talk it out and then get down to business. Have fun with your partner and have fun with sex.