After the first few months of dating for most people, intimacy dies quite quickly.
It’s rare for a couple who is extremely intimate at the start of their courtship, to continue it past the first six months or more, which leads to an ongoing decline in intimacy.
For the last 28 years, number one best-selling author, counselor and life coach David Essel has been helping individuals to stay connected through intimacy, sex, and communication to create the best relationship possible.
Creating a deep intimacy
Below, David challenges us, to create an ongoing intimacy much deeper than 99% of people have ever thought about doing.
I remember one of the most fulfilling relationships I ever had, was with a woman who desired to be intimate and sexual with me as much as I did with her.
After a year of dating, it was like we just met. This was so rare, so unique, that I wanted to share the message of what this type of relationship looked like to the world.
So I did.
In Every lecture I gave, and this is going back into the 1990s, I found a way to weave how incredible our intimate life was, and how it led to a feeling of bonding between us both. And even though the relationship ended after a few years, my memory of that time has never faded.
As a matter of fact, it’s made me reflect on how beautiful it was to have someone in your life that you made love to you every day of the month.
Did you read what I just said? How powerful it was, to make love to someone every day of the month.
Unresolved resentments with your partner lead to fading intimacy
Now, if you’re in a struggling relationship this could be really really hard.
If you’re in a relationship where you’re both really bored this could be really really hard. If you’re in a relationship and neither of you have really thought much about sex for the last 10 years this could be really really hard, but anything that is difficult to do will offer great rewards.
Or maybe you’re in a thriving relationship, but sex isn’t always on the top of your mind.
Maybe you’ve settled into a once a week, or every other week sexual routine, just to take care of your partner but you’re really not on board.
Now, this could be a sign of many things.
The number one cause of a decrease in our sex drive or sex life has to do with resentments.
If you have unresolved resentments with your partner, one of the ways we take it out on them either consciously or subconsciously is by shutting down in the bedroom.
So we work longer hours. Or we start to drink more. Or maybe we stay at the gym longer so we don’t have to be at home as much.
Maybe we go to work earlier, so we don’t have to face our partner during the intimate times in the morning.
Revolutionize your relationship
It doesn’t matter what your reasoning is of why your sex life has died dramatically, but this challenge I’m going to give you is one that could really revolutionize who you are, and what your relationship looks like now and for the rest of your life.
If you have absolutely no sex drive, and you have no resentments that you know of with your partner, and you and your partner communicate perfectly every day, it could be a problem with your hormones and in that case I would say get a professional profile done of all of your hormones, by a hormone expert, to see if there something needed in order to boost your libido.
So here’s the challenge: I want you to make love to your partner every day for the next 30 days. That’s it. That’s your homework. Pretty damn good homework or what?
Every day for the next 30 days, even if that means you have to plan it, put it in your smartphone, put it in your daytimer, go ahead and do it.
Do you have to get a babysitter more frequently in order to make this challenge your reality? Don’t get hung up on anything other than completing the task I gave you.
And I’m being dead serious here.
I know, through working with clients in the past, that when they took this challenge and completed it, their love life, their intimacy, and their beliefs in the power of their relationship increased dramatically!
Now, this also might bring up some resentments that you didn’t even know you had.
Let’s say that you and your partner decide to take my challenge on, and you go through the first seven days and you make love every day, then you hit the second week and for some reason you’re just not in the mood, maybe your partner changed their plans from making love in the morning to the evening and you got really irritable with them.
Seeking help to see the root cause of your lacklustre effort
In this case, make sure you immediately go and start working with a counselor, somebody who can help you see what’s at the root cause of your lacklustre effort after day seven.
And the reason I say you should get ready to see a counselor is that it should be an exciting challenge to take for both you and your partner, to make love every day for 30 straight days.
This is not punishment, they should be an absolute joy!
But if it turns into drudgery. It’s not the sex at all, it’s something underneath the sex that’s creating drudgery. And it’s usually resentments.
Reasons why you and your partner should accept the challenge
Here are the four top reasons why you and your partner should accept my challenge, for having sex 30 days in a row, without hesitation:
1. The release of oxytocin
One of the most powerful hormones in the body, it’s called the “bonding hormone” for a very good reason.
When you have sex, oxytocin is released, bringing you and your partner closer together not only physically but emotionally. Go for it.
2. It forces you to make the relationship a priority
When you commit to having sex 30 days in a row, you have to make the relationship a priority, you have to plan it, schedule it and that’s ok.
When you make your relationship a priority through the physical act of sex, all kinds of amazing benefits will come to you and your partner.
3. Boosts our immune system
The release during orgasm allows a cascade of chemicals, neurotransmitters, to be released during through the brain such as dopamine, serotonin, and gaba.
The release of these neurochemicals lifts our moods and boosts our immune system.
There are no excuses to back out of this 30-day challenge.
4. An increase in communication skills
When you have sex every day for 30 days, you may want to try to talk to your partner about doing some creative things in the bedroom or out of the bedroom.
Maybe you’ve never really been into oral sex, and you decide that during this 30-day challenge to have sex every day that you want to learn more about how to perform oral sex more completely on your partner.
Or maybe you want to do this whole active sexual intimacy on the dining room table. I know you’re probably laughing, I’m not, I’m dead serious.
Do you see where I’m going through?
When you commit to 30 days in a row of sex , let’s open up the communication and tell your partner what you love about what they do, and ask them what you could do better in the bedroom, or on the kitchen floor, or in The shower, or where ever you decide to have sex, communication should be flowing openly.
Remove the blocks in communication
If you have blocks in communication, once again, reach out to a counselor like myself, to help you get to the bottom of the block, so we can remove them and move forward in life.
If you offer this opportunity to your partner, and they absolutely shoot it down, once again if I was in your situation I would go to a counselor, and see if you can get them to come with you. Even if they say no, do the work with the Counselor on your own, to learn how to handle the rejection just handed to you.
Maybe you need to go back and present it to them in a different way. Maybe you need to present it to them in a different tone of voice. Or maybe you just need to show them this article, where they can read about the benefits of having sex every day for 30 days in order to wrap their head around the concept that there are hundreds of benefits of following through with this really fun bedroom challenge.
I believe this world needs more intimacy. More sex. More communication. And more bonding in relationships.
David Essel‘s work is highly endorsed by individuals like the late Wayne Dyer, and celebrity Jenny McCarthy says “David Essel is the new leader of the positive thinking movement.“
His 10th book, another number one bestseller, is called “Focus! Slay your goals – The proven guide to huge success, a powerful attitude, and profound love.“
Want to have a happier, healthier marriage?
If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married.
More by David Essel