10 Questions to Ask Your Unfaithful Spouse

It can be devastating to find out when a spouse cheats, and if you are in this situation, you probably have so many unanswered questions.

Knowing details of infidelity that occur over the course of a marriage may help you to move forward and make decisions about how you will proceed with your cheating spouse.

The following 10 questions to ask your unfaithful spouse can help you to get some of the answers that you need.

10 questions to ask your unfaithful spouse

What are some necessary cheating discussion questions?

The following questions to ask after an affair can provide ideas for what to say and how to confront someone who cheated on you.

In some ways, the answers to these questions can help you get closure after being cheated on but be prepared for the fact that some answers may upset you since it can be hurtful to learn of the details of your partner’s betrayal.

Consider the following 10 questions to ask your unfaithful spouse. These questions will help you have a worthy start on a discussion about marriage infidelity:

1. What did you tell yourself to permit yourself to do this? 

Finding out how your partner rationalized the affair can give you insights into what made them okay with being unfaithful and what they told themselves to grant permission to step outside the marriage.

Perhaps your partner rationalizes the behavior based on something that was missing in the marriage. In this case, knowing what was missing can help you create a plan to move forward and avoid future betrayals.

On the other hand, perhaps your partner felt entitled to have an affair and didn’t think much about it. If this is the case, it may be that faithfulness and monogamy is not important to him or her, which is also important to know.

When your man cheats, or you are thinking of what to ask your cheating wife, permission is an important topic to consider since research suggests that people do use strategies to give themselves permission to have an affair.

2. Did you feel guilty after being intimate with this person? 

Another one of the questions to ask a cheater is if they felt guilty after having sex with someone else. If they didn’t feel guilty, it could be that they have different views about monogamy than you do.

It is also possible that they do not view sexual affairs as being problematic. For example, some people may have affairs to meet their sexual needs, which can open up a discussion about what might be missing sexually from your relationship.

Whether a person feels guilty after having sex may depend upon their gender. 

For example, a recent study found that men are more likely to be upset about their partners having sexual affairs, whereas women are more likely to be upset by emotional affairs in which their partner falls in love with someone else.

It is worth noting that this finding applied to heterosexual men and women but not to people who identified as gay, lesbian, or bisexual. So, this is one of the very important questions to ask your unfaithful spouse.

3. Is this the first time this has happened, or have there been other such occasions?

This indeed is one of the crucial questions to ask your unfaithful spouse.

Admitting to an affair that happened in the past may be difficult for your partner and painful for you to hear about, but knowing the answer to this can help you determine whether the affair was a one-time incident or something that happened before.

If this isn’t the first affair and your partner has consistently had a wandering eye, it is time to figure out why this is happening and whether the relationship can be saved. 

4. What did you tell him or her about us?

Among the questions to ask a cheating spouse is what they told the affair partner about their marriage. Perhaps they told the partner the two of you were getting divorced in order to make the partner feel less guilty about the relationship.

Or, maybe they shared problems that you were experiencing in the marriage, which could point to issues that you and your spouse need to resolve if you wish to stay together. 

5. Did you talk about a future together? 

This is another important question to ask your unfaithful spouse after infidelity.

It can give you information about what the affair meant to your spouse and if perhaps he or she is fantasizing about starting over again.

6. What did your affair offer you that was missing in our marriage? 

The answer to this one among the 10 questions to ask your unfaithful spouse can prove to be quite upsetting. 

Confession questions to ask a guy or girl who has cheated include those that explore what the person got out of the affair. Was their affair partner more willing to try new sexual things together? Did the partner offer a nonjudgmental shoulder to cry on?

Knowing what your spouse got out of the affair that was missing in your marriage can help you to identify what it is that needs to occur differently in the marriage to make it successful. 

7. Do you act differently in your affair than you do at home with me? 

Sometimes, a person turns to an affair because they feel they have lost themselves in their marriage. Maybe your husband is always expected to be dominant and rational at home, but the affair offered him an opportunity to be carefree and youthful again.

If you are aware of this discrepancy between how your partner acted during the affair and how they act at home, you may be able to give them the opportunity to try out new roles at home in order to have their needs better met within the context of the marriage.

So, do not ignore this question to ask your unfaithful spouse. 

8. Did you ever think of me when you were with this person? 

It is among the crucial questions to ask a cheater for closure and moving on. 

This is among the 10 questions to ask your unfaithful spouse because it can give you an idea of what was going on in your partner’s head when they were with the other person.

Take comfort in knowing that oftentimes, an affair is not about you but rather about the unfaithful spouse’s needs.

In many cases, the cheating husband or wife is not thinking about you at all but rather wrapped up in the secrecy and excitement of the affair. 

9. Do you want to leave me to be with this person? 

It is one of the 10 questions to ask your unfaithful spouse that will decide the next course of action for your marriage.

If you are wondering what you say to a cheating husband or wife, it is important that you express to your spouse your desire to know what their intentions are.

It is, therefore, necessary that you ask whether they intend to leave the marriage to be with the affair partner. The answer to this question is important because it can give you an idea of whether your partner intends to save the marriage or not. 

10. How long did the affair last or how long has it been going on? 

When you catch your partner in an affair, you will also probably want to know how long it lasted. If it was a short fling or a one-time mistake, the chances are that your partner feels guilty, and the relationship is salvageable.

On the other hand, if it was a longer-lasting affair, this suggests that your spouse was okay with having a lasting relationship with another person, which warrants a serious discussion about what made them okay with doing this and how they stopped themselves from feeling guilty about it.

Additionally, here 5 things you must do if your spouse has had an affair:

What to do if your spouse refuses to answer the questions?

In some cases, when a spouse cheats and the other person tries to confront them using questions to ask a cheating wife or husband, they might just decline them.

They may refuse to answer your questions about the affair. Often, this can be an attempt to protect your feelings because knowing the details of infidelity may hurt you more than you realize.

You can deal with this scenario by calmly explaining to your partner that you know the answers to your questions may upset you, but you need some information in order to move forward from the affair.

If your spouse is interested in saving the marriage, they will likely comply with this request after an honest conversation.

What if your spouse lies?

There is also a chance that your spouse may lie about an affair once you bombard them with questions to ask cheating husband or wife. This is where you can ask one of the trick questions to ask a cheater.

Perhaps you know that an affair has occurred, but your spouse continues to deny it when you try to address it through these 10 questions to ask your unfaithful spouse.

If your spouse is silent when confronted with the affair or questions about it, or there are long pauses in the conversation, this suggests that he or she may be lying.

When you ask a married man who is cheating or ask your cheating wife questions about the affair, or confront them about the affair, lying is certainly a possibility.

If your spouse lies, you might consider confronting them with the evidence that you have of the affair. If they become angry or minimize your concerns, this is suggestive of them having something to hide.

Ultimately, you cannot force your partner to be honest, but if they are interested in saving the marriage, they should come clean.

What to check to catch a cheater?

While it’s essential to prioritize trust and open communication in a relationship, signs of potential infidelity may include secretive behavior, changes in routine, unexplained expenses, sudden defensiveness, increased phone or computer secrecy, and a lack of intimacy or emotional distance.

Discovering the truth and deciding the course of action

These 10 questions to ask your unfaithful spouse can help you to have a necessary conversation to get to the bottom of the affair and decide whether your marriage is salvageable.

Keep in mind that even if the answers to these questions provide useful information, it may be hurtful to dive deep into the story of your partner’s betrayal.

You and your partner may need to seek counseling or marriage therapy, both individually and separately, to help you overcome the trauma of an affair.

It is not easy to gather yourself after the trauma of finding that your husband or wife has been unfaithful to you. But you must make an effort to get the closure you deserve.

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Jennifer Schulz LCSW

Dr. Jenni Schulz is a licensed social worker with a master's degree in social work from The Ohio State University, and she earned her Doctorate of Philosophy in Psychology from National University. She has worked in the social work field for 14 years and is currently a professor at Ashland University.... Read more She writes website content about mental health, addiction, and fitness. Dr. Schulz is licensed as both a social worker through Ohio Board of Counselors, Social Workers, and Marriage/Family Therapists and a school social worker through Ohio Department of Education. She currently works primarily as a crisis therapist at her local hospital and jail, while engaging in mental health consulting virtually. Read less

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