Almost anything is workable in a partnership as long as you share a bond involving open, honest, and at times assertive communication. When there are secrets, lies, and the unthinkable- an affair that can cause crumbling that’s virtually impossible to fix.
For the partners who find themselves the victim of infidelity, there’s the choice of reconciliation after cheating and moving forward in attempting to regain trust or let the relationship go. Many want to make the repairs after investing so much of themselves into the partnership.
Unfortunately, often there are several 10 common reconciliation mistakes to avoid after infidelity, of which most are guilty. The reasons for errors are simple; they’re thinking with a hurt mindset plainly.
Fortunately, recognizing these ahead of time could help you or perhaps a friend from falling into the same pattern.
Is it possible for a couple to reconcile after an infidelity
Honestly, reconciliation after infidelity will depend on the couple’s strength before the affair. A partnership where both feel immense love for the other person, enjoy the other’s company with no shortage of fun times out, sexual intimacy intact, and mutual respect to this point would infer marriage reconciliation.
Investing so much of yourself (time, effort, energy, emotion) into another person doesn’t merely stop when they make a mistake regardless of the depth of the misstep.
It’s another page to add to the story you’re developing as a couple. Things are not easy as you grow and develop. You’re constantly having to prove that you’re capable of working through challenges as tough as they might be, but you always find a way to reconcile marriage when you’re a strong couple.
Of course, numerous questions will come to your mind when contemplating your spouse’s affair with another person. Some of these you might want to avoid for your own protection, others you deserve to know.
Check out a few here with which you can prepare yourself.
10 common marriage reconciliation mistakes to avoid after infidelity
When you have what you believe to be the ideal partnership, you don’t expect any problems that the two of you can’t overcome. Most partners in that type of relationship do not see their faithful partner as someone who would have an affair and are genuinely blindsided when it comes to light.
That sort of pain can resemble a literal sucker punch, almost comparable to a loss in the worst sense, even though they’re right there. The person whom you’re devoted to and love with your heart and soul single-handedly and consciously betrayed you.
The very first inclination is they need to go, and genuinely, that’s a good idea until you can get your thoughts together, so you don’t make the 10 common marriage reconciliation mistakes to avoid after infidelity.
It’s essential to give yourself the time to feel and then work towards figuring out the varied options, including the possibility of reconciling after infidelity. Find out if a marriage can heal after infidelity with this guide.
Let’s look at how to do so without making some of the 10 common marriage reconciliation mistakes to avoid after infidelity.
1. Making significant decisions
Often, in the heat of the moment, partners who find themselves the victims of infidelity react immediately with rash decisions that will ultimately affect their future without thinking things through.
It’s challenging, but the best thing to do is not lash out from a place of hurt. That will result in saying something you genuinely don’t mean in an attempt to make your partner feel similar pain to what you’re enduring.
You might not realize that if you enjoyed a strong, healthy partnership before the infidelity, your partner is experiencing guilt, shame, and also the pain of putting you through this heartache.
In most cases, if they could take it back, they would. Ideally, you will take time to process your emotions and deal when you’ve reached a more logical place.
While you want not to lash out, it’s also important not to internalize your emotions. Allow yourself to experience what you’re feeling and do so in the weeks, months, and however long you need to feel them.
You will go through the stages of grief for a period, and then you will begin to accept, but after that, there will still be moments of ups and downs.
3. Don’t neglect yourself
Your partner had an affair with another person introducing them into your bedroom. If the two of you have been continuing a healthy intimacy, it’s wise to make an appointment with your primary care physician to ensure you received no sexually transmitted diseases.
While there, it’s wise to get some advice on working through your grief, allowing the doctor to make sure there are no ill effects on your physical well-being.
4. Become defensive
One thing to remember, when an affair happens, whether the marriage was solid or not, either you were going through a rough patch, or there were issues someone was dealing with for there to be such a transgression.
While we can try to claim a completely innocent victim, it takes two to make a marriage flawless and two to bring things to the point of “uh-oh.” There are no perfect marriages. When infidelity happens, the two of you could have stopped working together in some way.
It’s natural to want to discuss the issue, and you should talk about the “whats,” “whys,” perhaps “hows,” and definitely “who,” but you don’t want to ask intimate questions since that will merely lead to more hurt.
Leave it to generalized questions that will help you come to terms with your mate’s reasoning for doing what they did.
Check out this video that discusses the questions to ask when you are planning reconciliation after adultery:
6. Following up with the other party
Among the worst of the 10 common marriage reconciliation mistakes to avoid after infidelity, you should not attempt to reach out to the person with whom your partner had an affair.
That will only lead to a potential ugly altercation that isn’t necessary. All the information you need will come from your mate. While everyone looks for closure and sees this as part of that process, it isn’t. It simply stirs up more dramatics that serves no purpose. Leave it.
Again, it would help if you never blame yourself for a partner stepping out on you, but it does take two people working together with total effort to enjoy a strong and healthy bond.
When that breaks down even a little bit, whether a rough patch or a low period, one might make a mistake that needs forgiving. When you have unconditional love and devotion to that partner, mistakes, even significant betrayals such as this, are workable.
It takes considerable time for repairs and rebuilding trust, but it’s not impossible. Constantly being reminded of mistakes is not the path for how to reconcile the marriage.
8. Sharing is not caring
Intimate details of your personal relationship need discussing privately, and if you plan to share those details, you need to divulge this to your partner as a mere consideration.
Yes, there was blatant disrespect by stepping out of the marital union with another person. Still, you are considerably disrespectful by spreading this throughout your friends and family, especially if your plan is reconciling after infidelity.
At some point, after reconciliation, your partner will need to socialize with these groups again and will feel shame in doing so by the message you’ve relayed regarding the infidelity marriage.
Any couple with children needs to ensure that the kids are not involved in what’s happening. Parental matters are private and need maintenance between the parents allowing the children to retain their opinions of each parent as they have them.
No individual should go to a child with stories about either mate. That’s not only disrespectful to the partner, but it’s harmful to kids.
One of the 10 common marriage reconciliation mistakes to avoid after infidelity is not seeking a third party’s help, particularly if you’re both struggling with your emotions and how to reconcile a marriage after infidelity.
You might know that you want to repair and renew the relationship, but you don’t know how to go about it because re-developing trust is a challenge that you don’t know how to work through on your own.
Professional couples therapy can help you through that process and can also guide you through the methods for coping without blame. Check the counseling literature explaining how you can recover from infidelity’s trauma.
What are the stages of healing from infidelity
The priority is to understand that the emotions each of you feel from infidelity and the hurt experienced are not going away overnight. It takes substantial time to work through those feelings on the path towards healing and recovery.
The thing to keep in mind is that you will heal. It’s essential to keep that sense of positivity. Some of the stages you’ll go through in the process can be found here.
When you ponder what does reconciliation mean in marriage, particularly after an infidelity, it honestly translates into building another level. Think of it in the sense of life throwing a scar here, a gray hair or wrinkle there to your body.
You earn those. They’re your battle marks designating you as a warrior on this planet, a much stronger, resilient version from your youth. That’s how the trials and tribulations that come and go in a marriage transfix it into the optimum story that generations speak about after you’re gone.
You work through and survive those “battles” because you love, cherish, and respect each other enough to do so. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it. That’s what ultimately matters.
If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married.
Sylvia Smith loves to share insights on how couples can revitalize their love lives in and out of the bedroom. As a writer at Marriage.com, she is a big believer in living consciously and encourages couples to adopt this principle in their lives too. Sylvia believes that every couple can transform their relationship into a happier, healthier one by taking purposeful and wholehearted action.