20 Marriage Reconciliation Mistakes to Avoid After Infidelity

Almost anything is workable in a partnership as long as you share a bond involving open, honest, and at times assertive communication. When there are secrets, lies, and the unthinkable – an affair that can cause crumbling, things are almost impossible to fix.

For the partners who find themselves the victim of infidelity, there’s the choice of reconciliation after cheating and in attempting to regain trust moving forward or letting the relationship go. Many want to make the repairs after investing so much of themselves into the partnership. 

Unfortunately, often there are several marriage reconciliation mistakes to avoid after infidelity, of which most are guilty. The reasons for errors are simple; they’re thinking with a hurt mindset plainly. 

Fortunately, recognizing these ahead of time could help you or perhaps a friend from falling into the same pattern.

How do you reconcile after being cheated on: 5 ways

Infidelity can be a very painful and emotionally devastating experience. The betrayal and loss of trust that come with it can leave you feeling angry, confused, and even hopeless. 

However, despite the initial shock and pain, it is possible to heal the relationship and rebuild trust. Here are five ways to reconcile after being cheated on:

Communication

The key to rebuilding trust is open and honest communication. Both partners should be willing to share their feelings, concerns, and fears. This process may require a lot of patience and understanding, but it’s essential to make sure that both partners feel heard and understood.

Related Reading: 10 Reasons Why Communication in Marriage Is Important

Accountability

The partner who cheated must be willing to take responsibility for their actions and be accountable for their behavior. This means being honest about what happened, why it happened, and what they’re doing to prevent it from happening again. 

The cheating partner should also be willing to make amends, apologize, and demonstrate their commitment to the relationship.

Dr.  Jennifer Jacobsen, PhD in Psychology, states,

Taking accountability is essential for the partner who has strayed. Blaming the other partner or minimizing the hurt that has occurred will never lead to healing.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a crucial step in the healing process. It is essential to let go of the anger and resentment towards the cheating partner and move forward. Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting what happened, but it does mean releasing negative emotions and focusing on the present and future.

Related Reading: 5 Things You Need To Know About Forgiveness in Marriage

Patience

Rebuilding trust takes time, and both partners need to be patient with the process. It’s essential to understand that healing doesn’t happen overnight and that there may be setbacks along the way. However, with patience and commitment, it is possible to rebuild a healthy and trusting relationship.

Seek professional help

Infidelity can be a complex issue, and sometimes it’s helpful to seek professional help. A couples therapist can help both partners work through their emotions and provide tools and strategies to rebuild trust and strengthen the relationship.

5 reasons why reconciliation can be important in marriage

Marriage is a commitment to a lifelong partnership, and with that commitment comes inevitable challenges and difficult times. One of the biggest challenges a married couple may face is the need for reconciliation after conflict. 

Reconciliation is the process of repairing a relationship after a breakdown in communication or trust. Here are five reasons why reconciliation can be important in marriage:

Rebuilding trust

Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship, and when it’s broken, it can be challenging to repair. Reconciliation provides a space for both partners to be vulnerable and work towards rebuilding trust in their relationship.

Strengthening communication

Effective communication is key to a successful marriage. Reconciliation provides an opportunity for both partners to listen and express their feelings and concerns in a safe and non-judgmental environment.

Promoting forgiveness

Forgiveness is an essential part of any healthy relationship, and it’s particularly important in marriage. Reconciliation can help couples work through any hurt feelings or resentment towards each other, allowing them to move forward in their relationship.

Resolving conflicts

Conflicts are a natural part of any relationship, and reconciliation can help couples resolve their disagreements in a healthy and constructive way. It provides an opportunity for both partners to work together toward a solution that works for both of them.

Strengthening the relationship

Reconciliation can ultimately strengthen a marriage by helping both partners understand each other better and feel more connected. It can provide a sense of closure to past hurts and helps the couple move forward in a positive way.

Here are some ways to consider while reconciling your marriage after infidelity. Watch the video:

Does infidelity pain ever go away? 

The pain of infidelity can be long-lasting and may not completely go away. However, with time and effort, the intensity of the pain can lessen, and it is possible for individuals to find healing and move forward. 

The healing process may vary from person to person, and seeking support from loved ones or professionals may be helpful in managing the pain.

Is it possible for a couple to reconcile after infidelity?

Honestly, reconciliation after infidelity will depend on the couple’s strength before the affair. A partnership where both feel immense love for the other person, enjoy the other’s company with no shortage of fun times out, sexual intimacy intact, and mutual respect to this point would infer marriage reconciliation.

Investing so much of yourself (time, effort, energy, emotion) into another person doesn’t merely stop when they make a mistake regardless of the depth of the misstep. 

It’s another page to add to the story you’re developing as a couple. Things are not easy as you grow and develop. 

You’re constantly having to prove that you’re capable of working through challenges as tough as they might be, but you always find a way to reconcile marriage when you’re a strong couple. 

If you were a weak couple, to begin with, this might not be survivable, at least not without the help of a third-party professional. If you’re wondering how long marriage can withstand infidelity, check out this study.

The bottom line is that you must be willing to rebuild your relationship. To heal from an infidelity, your former marriage has to be.

says Dr. Jacobsen

20 common marriage reconciliation mistakes to avoid after infidelity

When you have what you believe to be the ideal partnership, you don’t expect any problems that the two of you can’t overcome. Most partners in that type of relationship do not see their faithful partner as someone who would have an affair and is genuinely blindsided when it comes to light.

That sort of pain can resemble a literal blow, almost comparable to a loss in the worst sense, even though they’re right there. The fact that the person whom you’re devoted to and love with your heart and soul single-handedly and consciously betrayed you can leave you in pieces.

It’s challenging for most people to know what to do in the first few moments after finding out, let alone considering the notion of reconciliation in marriage.

The very first inclination is you need to be apart, and genuinely, that’s a good idea until you can get your thoughts together, so you don’t make any of the 10 common marriage reconciliation mistakes after infidelity.

Deciding whether you want to consider how to reconcile a relationship after cheating will take considerable and quiet thought once these strong emotions have the chance to calm down. 

It’s essential to give yourself the time to feel and then work towards figuring out the varied options, including the possibility of reconciling after infidelity. Find out if a marriage can heal after infidelity with this guide.

Let’s look at how to do so without making some of the 10 common marriage reconciliation mistakes to avoid after infidelity.

1. Making insignificant decisions 

Often, in the heat of the moment, partners who find themselves the victims of infidelity react immediately with rash decisions that will ultimately affect their future without thinking things through. 

It’s challenging, but the best thing to do is not lash out from a place of hurt. That will result in saying something you genuinely don’t mean in an attempt to make your partner feel similar pain to what you’re enduring.

You might not realize that if you enjoyed a strong, healthy partnership before the infidelity, your partner is experiencing guilt, shame, and also the pain of putting you through this heartache. 

In most cases, if they could take it back, they would. Ideally, you will take time to process your emotions and deal with when you’ve reached a more logical place.

Related Readings: After affair: How To Get Over Guilt Caused By Cheating In Marriage

2. Internalizing emotions

Marital reconciliation can be difficult when you refuse to internalize your feelings.

 While you want not to lash out, it’s also important not to internalize your emotions. Allow yourself to experience what you’re feeling and do so in the weeks, months, and however long you need to feel them. 

You will go through the stages of grief for a period, and then you will begin to accept, but after that, there will still be moments of ups and downs. 

3. Neglecting yourself

Taking self-care for granted is one of the most common marriage reconciliation mistakes people make after infidelity.

Your partner had an affair with another person introducing them into your bedroom. If the two of you have been continuing a healthy intimacy, it’s wise to make an appointment with your primary care physician to ensure you received no sexually transmitted diseases.

While there, it’s wise to get some advice on working through your grief, allowing the doctor to make sure there are no ill effects on your physical well-being.

4. Becoming defensive

How to reconcile after cheating? Stop being defensive all the time.

One thing to remember, when an affair happens, whether the marriage was solid or not, either you were going through a rough patch, or there were issues someone was dealing with for there to be such a transgression. 

While we can try to claim a completely innocent victim, it takes two to make a marriage flawless and two to bring things to the point of “uh-oh.” There are no perfect marriages. When infidelity happens, the two of you could have stopped working together in some way. 

The important thing is to not self-blame or point fingers, especially if the two of you want to work to save a marriage after infidelity.

5. Inappropriate questioning

It’s natural to want to discuss the issue, and you should talk about the “whats,” “whys,” perhaps “hows,” and definitely “who,” but you don’t want to ask intimate questions since that will merely lead to more hurt. 

Leave it to generalized questions that will help you come to terms with your mate’s reasoning for doing what they did. Discomforting topics can be an obstacle when figuring out how to reconcile a marriage after separation.

6. Following up with the other person

Among the worst of the 10 common marriage reconciliation mistakes to avoid after infidelity, you should not attempt to reach out to the person with whom your partner had an affair. 

That will only lead to a potential ugly altercation that isn’t necessary. All the information you need will come from your mate. While everyone looks for closure and sees this as part of that process, it isn’t. It simply stirs up more dramatics that serves no purpose. Leave it.

7. Giving consistent reminders

If surviving marriage after infidelity is your goal, it won’t be possible if you constantly remind your mate that they betrayed you. 

Again, it would help if you never blame yourself for a partner stepping out on you, but it does take two people working together with total effort to enjoy a strong and healthy bond. 

When that breaks down even a little bit, whether a rough patch or a low period, one might make a mistake that needs forgiving. When you have unconditional love and devotion to that partner, mistakes, even significant betrayals such as this, are workable. 

It takes considerable time for repairs and rebuilding trust, but it’s not impossible. Constantly being reminded of mistakes is not the path to ‘how to reconcile the marriage’.

8. Taking details outside 

Intimate details of your personal relationship need to be discussed privately, and if you plan to share those details, you need to divulge this to your partner as a mere consideration. 

Yes, there was blatant disrespect by stepping out of the marital union with another person. Still, you are considerably disrespectful by spreading this to your friends and family, especially if your plan is reconciling after infidelity.

At some point, after reconciliation, your partner will need to socialize with these groups again and will feel shame in doing so by the message you’ve relayed regarding the infidelity marriage.

9. Involving children

Any couple with children needs to ensure that the kids are not involved in what’s happening. Parental matters are private and need maintenance between the parents allowing the children to retain their opinions of each parent as they have them. 

No individual should go to a child with stories about either mate. That’s not only disrespectful to the partner, but it’s harmful to kids.

10. Avoiding counseling

One of the common marriage reconciliation mistakes to avoid after infidelity is not seeking a third party’s help or marriage counseling, particularly if you’re both struggling with your emotions and how to reconcile a marriage after infidelity. 

You might know that you want to repair and renew the relationship, but you don’t know how to go about it because re-developing trust is a challenge that you don’t know how to work through on your own. 

Professional couples therapy can help you through that process and can also guide you through the methods for coping without blame. Check the counseling literature explaining how you can recover from infidelity trauma.

11. Rushing the process

It’s important to take the time to process the emotions surrounding the infidelity and work through them before attempting to reconcile. Rushing into reconciliation without properly addressing these emotions can lead to resentment and a lack of trust in the future.

12. Not taking any responsibility

Both partners need to take responsibility for their role in the infidelity. This means acknowledging their mistakes and committing to making changes to prevent them from happening again.

Related Reading: How Do I Make My Partner Realize Their Responsibilities?

13. Not addressing underlying issues

Infidelity is often a symptom of underlying issues in the relationship, such as a lack of communication or intimacy. It’s important to address these issues and work on improving them in order to prevent future infidelity.

14. Focusing on the past

While it’s important to acknowledge the infidelity and the pain it caused, it’s also important to focus on the future and the steps that need to be taken to rebuild the relationship.

15. Holding grudges

Holding onto anger and resentment will only hinder the reconciliation process. Both partners need to be willing to forgive and move forward.

16. Not setting boundaries

It’s important to set boundaries in the relationship in order to rebuild trust. This may mean establishing rules around communication or setting limits on certain behaviors.

17. Lack of communication

Communication is key to any successful relationship, and it’s especially important during the reconciliation process. Both partners need to be willing to communicate openly and honestly in order to rebuild trust.

18. Lack of intimacy

Infidelity can cause a significant loss of intimacy in the relationship. It’s important to work on rebuilding this intimacy through physical and emotional connection.

19. Not being consistent

Consistency is key to rebuilding trust in a relationship. Both partners need to be consistent in their actions and their commitment to the reconciliation process.

20. Keeping secrets

It’s important to be open and honest with your partner during the reconciliation process. Keeping secrets or withholding information will only damage the relationship further.

Related Reading: How Keeping Secrets Can Destroy a Marriage

Frequently asked questions

Here are some more questions to guide you on marriage reconciliation mistakes and how you can create a better, stronger relationship with your partner.

• Should you reconcile after infidelity? 

Whether or not to reconcile after infidelity is a personal decision that depends on the specific circumstances and the willingness of both partners to work through the issues. It is important to seek professional help and take the time to address underlying issues before making a decision.

• What percentage of marriages work out after infidelity?

The percentage of marriages that work out after infidelity is difficult to determine, as it depends on a variety of factors, such as the severity of the infidelity, the commitment of both partners to reconcile, and the effectiveness of any professional help sought.

• Why does being cheated on hurt so much?

Being cheated on can hurt so much because it can shatter one’s trust, sense of security, and self-esteem. It can lead to feelings of betrayal, anger, sadness, and even trauma. Infidelity can also challenge one’s beliefs about love and commitment, making it difficult to trust future partners.

There’s road ahead!

Whether to reconcile after cheating is purely an independent decision. One shouldn’t feel pressured into maintaining a marriage if they aren’t willing to continue any further. But if you do decide to get back and make it work, there must be sincere efforts.

When you ponder what reconciliation means in marriage, particularly after an infidelity, it honestly translates into building another level into your marriage. Think of it in the sense of life throwing a scar here, a chunk of gray hair, or wrinkles there to your body. 

You earn those. They’re your battle marks designating you as a warrior on this planet, a much stronger, resilient version of your youth. That’s how the trials and tribulations that come and go in a marriage transfix it into the optimum story that generations speak about after you’re gone. 

You work through and survive those “battles” because you love, cherish, and respect each other enough to do so. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it. That’s what ultimately matters.