When Your Spouse Is A Serial Cheater – Dealing With Repeated Infidelity in Marriage

It’s bad enough when a spouse cheats on their partner one time.

Imagine how devastating it is to learn that your partner, the person in whom you had complete trust and to whom you pledged your love in front of God, friends, and family, is a repeat philanderer?  

Only people who have been in such a hurtful situation can understand the deep and damaging pain this can cause.

Upon discovering that their spouse is a chronic cheater, the betrayed partner’s emotions, indeed their universe, are entirely turned upside down.  Some common reactions to this trauma include:

A sense of unrealness, this can’t be true

 Your brain slows everything down so that you are able to take it all in slowly, trying to minimize the horror of what your partner has done.

Questioning how you perceive the world

If your closest friend, lover, and confidante are capable of hiding this second life and all their cheating ways, how can you believe that anything you see is the real deal?  You begin to distrust your own sense of reality.

Everything that happened before was just a lie

It can’t be possible that the philandering spouse once loved, admired, and cherished you.  You tell yourself that all that was just an illusion because your partner was also capable of such lying and deception.

You doubt your own sense of self-worth.

If only you had been sexier, more attentive, more available, more loving, more….whatever the other person possessed that seduced your husband.

You tell yourself if you had just been a little better than what you are now, they would never have strayed.  Yet often, a cheater’s reasons for cheating have nothing to do with you and everything to do with their personality traits!

You become self-critical

You ask yourself how you could have been so blind as not to have seen what was going on behind your back.  Especially if your spouse was cheating with someone in your circle of friends.

You doubt everything your spouse has ever told you.

 You ask yourself if he was capable of covering this up, what else was he covering up?  You may even become your own detective, going through his phone, emails, pockets, and online activities.

And the most important question you are asking yourself.

You find yourself oscillating between deciding should you stay or should you go?

Who is likely to be a repeat philanderer?

Here are some common traits that repeat cheaters share

• Their past behavior is a good indication of future behavior.  A partner who has cheated before is likely to cheat again.
• They think society’s rules don’t apply to them, i.e., they are sociopathic narcissists.  They view the world as a competitive marketplace, one where they must be on top, or the other person will beat them.  They feel a sense of entitlement.
• Addiction plays a role in their life.  This could be alcohol, drugs, gaming, or gambling.
• They will not own their actions.  They cheat- that’s their partner’s fault!
• They may blame you for not keeping up your attractiveness, or not wanting sex each time they do, or not being entirely at their disposal when they want.

If you do remain with the serial cheater, here are some points to think about.  Spouses who stay in these situations report:

• Having obsessive thoughts centered on what your partner has done or is currently doing. You replay loops in your mind, perhaps scenes of what you’ve discovered, or imagine scenes of what you will discover if you dig deep enough.
• You become paranoid, and you continuously look for signs of their infidelity.  You go through their phone records, email, wallet, anything that might prove what you already suspect.
• Constant anxiety if you can’t track down your spouse. You tend to believe that if they don’t answer their phone or if they are coming home late, they must certainly be with this other person.
• Your sleep patterns are disturbed. Either you can’t fall asleep, or you can’t stay asleep. Your mind is a constant hamster running on a wheel. You cannot turn off the thoughts of what they did or calm your mind enough to allow you to relax into sleep mode.
• Your eating patterns are disturbed.  You may lose your appetite or even experience an increase in appetite.  Food may not interest you in the least, or you may dive into the junk food, especially sweets, which will give you an endorphin, “feel-good” rush (before making you crash and feel even more horrible).
• An inability to concentrate, which affects your work.
• Shame and embarrassment especially when you tell what happened to your circle of friends.
• Anger and rage.
• A pervasive sense of loss of stability and trust.  

You need to make a decision

If you do decide to stay with a serial cheater, you will need help.  

You need to focus on yourself and your needs if you wish to remain with this partner. Please contact a marriage counselor to help you get the professional support required to sort out how you are going to remain in this situation and still have a fulfilling, happy life.

Should you leave?  Listen to your gut.  If the pain of staying with this person outweighs the joy you have with them, tune into that because it is telling you something important.  Only you know what is right for you.

Using a licensed therapist as a sounding board as you work your way towards a decision will be the best move you can make in this situation.  Good luck!

Expert Q&A

I am 66 and married to a serial cheater. Is it too late to start again?

Anne Duvaux

Coach

Expert Answer

It's never too late for anything, and it's actually perfectly normal to reach our 60s, sometimes even 70s, and realize that something needs to change. We've let go of our old personas and choices and we start embracing who we truly are. Sometimes that means changing the people around us because we essentially out-grow them. Of course, the flip side is to not make changes as a knee-jerk reaction and that can sometimes be the challenge. To determine what our hearts are telling us, we need to take time out to reflect and play around with the options in our minds. A good book, if you don't know it already, is the Middle Passage by James Hollis, where he explains a bit more about the whole process of shedding our old version of the world and choosing to embrace who we truly are.

How can you know that your partner is still cheating on you?

Editorial Team

Relationship & Marriage Advice

Expert Answer

There are several potential signs, but it's important to remember that none are definitive proof. Some red flags include: increased secrecy around their phone or online activity, changes in their schedule or routines, a sudden disinterest in intimacy, or becoming overly defensive when questioned. However, open and honest communication with your partner is crucial to address any concerns and rebuild trust.  

Ask Your Question

Ask My Question

Thanks! We'll do our best to answer your question and post it above.

Ask Another Question

Tips

Write your tip or submit a video tip

All tips are reviewed before the publishing.

You are: Reader Expert

Upload a Video Tip

>

Add your profile photo

Note - JPG, JPEG, PNG or GIF Max file 100Kb

Submit

We appreciate you sharing a tip for review!

Write Another Tip

Sylvia Smith Author

Sylvia Smith loves to share insights on how couples can revitalize their love lives in and out of the bedroom. As a writer at Marriage.com, she is a big believer in living consciously and encourages couples to adopt this principle... Read more in their lives too. Sylvia believes that every couple can transform their relationship into a happier, healthier one by taking purposeful and wholehearted action. Read less