21 Key Signs of a Toxic Mother-in-Law

A toxic mother-in-law doesn’t necessarily hold a grudge towards you that is based on facts. They often don’t really allow themselves to get to know you personally. 

It seems the whole idea of someone coming in and taking a prominent place in their child’s life, making decisions with them that she would previously have a hand in, is not okay with her, nor are the decisions.

Instead of taking a difficult passive-aggressive approach, it’s better to attempt to look at it from what your mom-in-law is dealing with. Try to find some empathy in the situation. 

If you both can include each other in your lives instead of pushing each other out, it may make things better for the two of you. 

Another thing to realize is it’s possible that a toxic mother-in-law might never come around. 

No matter how hard you try or what you do, this is the person you have left to deal with. As long as your spouse recognizes your effort and understands your position, that’s what genuinely matters. Plus, you have your own family as a support system.

What is a toxic mother-in-law?

A toxic mother-in-law is someone who consistently creates negativity and tension within the family. This individual might be overly controlling, critical, and disrespectful, often interfering in their child’s marriage or parenting decisions. 

They may not respect boundaries and expect everything to revolve around their desires. This toxic behaviour can strain relationships, causing emotional stress and conflicts. 

Dealing with such a mother-in-law can be a daunting task, and many people can relate to the difficulties it brings. However, understanding and addressing these issues without offering specific solutions can be a vital step in finding healthier ways to cope with the situation.

How common are toxic mothers-in-law?

While it’s challenging to quantify the exact prevalence of toxic mothers-in-law, they are not uncommon. Signs of a toxic mother-in-law can range from excessive criticism to manipulative behaviors. 

However, it’s essential to differentiate between occasional disagreements and consistent toxic mother-in-law signs. 

Not every challenging relationship qualifies as toxic. When asking “is my mother-in-law toxic,” it’s crucial to evaluate the frequency, intensity, and impact of the behaviors in question.

Why are toxic mothers-in-law so problematic?

A toxic mother-in-law can strain familial relationships and create tension between couples. What is a toxic mother-in-law? She may exhibit signs of a bad mother-in-law, such as undermining her child’s spouse, creating divisions, or being overly controlling. 

These behaviors can lead to emotional distress and conflict within the family. When signs you have a toxic mother-in-law become evident, it can be challenging to maintain harmony and trust. 

Knowing how to deal with a toxic mother-in-law is essential for preserving one’s well-being and the health of the broader family unit.

Effects of having a toxic mother-in-law: 5 things that can happen

Having a toxic mother-in-law can have significant effects on a person’s well-being and family dynamics. Here are 5 relatable things that can happen

• Emotional stress: Dealing with constant criticism and negativity can lead to heightened emotional stress, impacting mental health and overall happiness.
• Strained relationships: Toxic behavior can create tension and conflicts within the family, putting a strain on relationships between partners, siblings, and in-laws.
• Decreased confidence: A toxic mother-in-law’s constant disapproval may erode a person’s self-esteem and confidence, making them doubt their decisions and abilities.
• Anxiety and tension: Anticipating interactions with a toxic mother-in-law can cause anxiety and tension, affecting one’s peace of mind.
• Isolation: Coping with a toxic relative might lead to feelings of isolation, as individuals may withdraw from family gatherings to avoid confrontation and drama.

21 telling signs of a toxic mother-in-law

If you find yourself saying, “I hate my mother-in-law,” that means this person is possibly crossing the boundaries you and your partner attempted to set with her, or you never got to put in place because of the controlling nature. 

An overbearing mother-in-law is not one you’ll likely win over, no matter what you say or do. Probably there is a sugary sweetness to your face with the occasional jab, and then they’re back to their usual self. 

That’s typical of toxic mothers-in-law. Psychotherapist Dr. Susan Forward, in her book ‘Toxic In-Laws,’ explores such signs of toxicity in your relationship and in your mother-in-law. Some of the signs of a toxic mother-in-Law are mentioned below: 

1. One-ups everything you say

One of the signs of a toxic mother-in-law is her tendency to one-up everything you say. For instance, when you mention an illness or express that you aren’t feeling well, she might immediately claim to have something far worse. This behavior can diminish your feelings and experiences, making interactions with her challenging and emotionally draining.

2. No regard for your feelings 

No matter the occasion or who’s around, a toxic mother-in-law will likely find a way to be disrespectful. Whether it’s criticizing the way you got married, perhaps it was a civil ceremony or the theme you chose, or possibly making mention of a potential divorce in the worst possible scenario.

3. Is entirely self-involved

When your mother-in-law is toxic, the world revolves around how everything makes her feel and the opinions she gives on nearly any subject. She may find ways to fit into every topic you bring up in a conversation.

4. Invasive in your marriage

An annoying mother-in-law wants to hear gossip about your marriage so she can pass this information on to her social circle. It’s almost like she’s stirring the pot to create problems, which likely she is.

5. Makes you feel inferior

A mean mother-in-law likes to let you know that she has far superior knowledge of being a partner and can offer the best advice on how to handle any situation. In all likelihood, she can offer brilliant guidance, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you want to do things the way she does. 

You don’t mind hearing the advice, but you don’t need to feel inferior either.

6. Criticism oozes from her core

You know you have mother-in-law problems when each time there’s a visit, there are critical responses to the way you decorate or how unclean your home is, and dinner’s not to her liking, so she refuses to eat but a bite or two. 

The visit only lasts a short time, and then she leaves because the dust bunnies are bothering her allergies.

7. Negativity 

Everything that your mother-in-law says or does has some negative circled around it. That validates how I know if my mother-in-law is toxic. No matter how pleasant or upbeat you try to be, she pounds it to the ground.

The only recourse you have is to come back with more positivity to help her see the good side of things.

8. Boundaries are ignored

When you’re contemplating how to deal with a mother-in-law who feels threatened by you and trying to establish boundaries, but these are ignored, it’s time for your partner to step in. 

Once there’s a conversation, boundaries will continue to be tested and crossed because, most of the time, toxic people don’t know how else to function. It’s up to you to be strict in how you enforce your boundaries. Don’t let guilt push you into “oh, just once then”

Listen to this podcast concerning boundaries and how mothers-in-law find themselves immune to them.

9. Makes things challenging 

No one wants to mess up in front of the family, especially their partner, and  emotionally manipulative mother-in-law knows that. This is why when she asks you to do impossible tasks when everyone is around, she knows you’ll likely fail and that it will likely shake your confidence. 

In dealing with a  manipulative mother-in-law, you can work at proving her wrong. Work at successfully completing tasks and surprising everyone in a positive way. 

10. She secretly harbors jealousy

Unfortunately, a toxic mother-in-law harbors jealousy, maybe because you are better at managing things or because you cook better or look better. That’s definitely something you can appreciate sometimes. 

It is up to your partner to ensure they still carry a relationship, but it’s not your fault, nor should you carry the burden if that’s lapsing.

11. Drama is the game

In that same vein, in dealing with mother-in-law issues, many will use drama to garner attention from their children. 

While you can express to your partner what the tactics are, they need to find out for themselves and handle it in their own way.

12. Gossip 

You can declare, “My mother-in-law is toxic” when you overhear her gossiping about you behind your back. That’s low even for a mother-in-law. If someone has something to say about another person, it should be done face-to-face.

13. You’re not even in the room

When you and your partner go to visit, and it’s like you’re not even in the room, that’s an indication of a toxic mother-in-law. She completely ignores you the entire time you’re there, speaking only to her son. 

When refreshments are served, your partner has to offer them to you. It’s demeaning. And while someone should say something, like your spouse, it goes unnoticed. That’s when a conversation needs to happen with your partner so it doesn’t happen again.

14. Grudges

Perhaps you did something she might have held against you in the past and hasn’t let go of that to this day. It’s essential to have a conversation to let her know that history should remain in the past and you should be able to move forward.

If not, make sure you keep to your boundaries and leave the room.

15. A controlling person

When trying to discern how to deal with toxic in-laws, it’s vital not to allow the individual to try to control you. The person will attempt to dictate to your mate how things should be in your household and with the marriage. 

Research shows that the need to control one’s environment is biological and psychological, but it can become unhealthy when it becomes irrational. 

Your mother-in-law’s attempts at controlling you or your partner should be unacceptable, with there being a subsequent discussion.

16. Sensitivity is a strong suit

Considering how to deal with a toxic mother-in-law, you need to determine if she is overly sensitive. You need to be careful of what you say if you are someone with sensitivity issues. What you say may come back to you for decades.

17. Flat-out insulting to a fault

When a toxic mother-in-law doesn’t hold back but, instead, just flat-out insults you to your face boldly, it requires standing up for yourself, calmly and diplomatically. Then you can discuss the events with your mate, who can reiterate to Mom how the issue is not okay.

18. The individual is two-faced   

When someone says one thing to your face and does something else or tells another person something different, they are two-faced, which would indicate toxic mother-in-law signs. 

If she tells you how nice you look in something only to tell your partner the outfit is hideous, that’s not only being two-faced, but it’s toxic and rude.

19. A complaining individual

Perhaps a toxic mother-in-law doesn’t believe that you handle certain tasks properly, so she complains about how things are done when she comes over. 

She might go over how you vacuum and show you the right way, or perhaps your potatoes are too smooth. You have to leave just a few lumps to show they’re homemade (like grandma’s). Nothing you do pleases her.

20. Just a mean person

You know you have a toxic mother-in-law because she’s simply nasty when she speaks to you. There are no kind words. It requires dialogue between your partner, you, and her plainly and thoroughly to avoid further hurt feelings.

21. The selective listener

Another challenging trait exhibited by a toxic mother-in-law! This type of individual only hears what she wants to hear and conveniently ignores anything that doesn’t align with her preconceived notions or desires. 

When you try to express your thoughts or feelings, she might twist your words to fit her narrative or completely dismiss them altogether.

How to set boundaries with a toxic mother-in-law

How to set boundaries with a mother-in-law that constantly ignores them?

Setting boundaries with a toxic mother-in-law requires you, your partner, and the mom-in-law to sit down and talk about what they have set up as rules for their household as a family. 

These boundaries are expected for all extended families to abide by. If anyone is unwilling to follow the rules, they will need to take some time apart to figure out why they can’t respect their wishes, and then perhaps they can come to and mutual understanding.

Now, that will not sit well with a toxic mother-in-law, but she will need to make that decision. It will be tough for a child to stand their ground because a toxic mom is a challenge to deal with, but it’s critical to stand firm.

How to handle your over-controlling mother-in-law

Handling and over-controlling mother-in-law requires empathy and patience. Open communication is vital; talk calmly and express your feelings honestly to promote understanding. 

Set boundaries to establish clear limits on personal space and decision-making, which will help maintain your independence. 

Stay united with your spouse, supporting each other in dealing with her behavior. Choose battles wisely by prioritizing issues that truly matter and letting go of minor disagreements. 

Seek support from trusted friends or a therapist to find emotional guidance and reassurance. Remember, finding common ground and fostering a healthier relationship is the ultimate goal.

11 ways to deal with a toxic mother-in Law

Dealing with a toxic mother-in-law is a challenge. She doesn’t play nice or fair and has no intention of making an effort. The best you can do is set boundaries, try not to aggravate the situation, and stand up for yourself when warranted, as should your partner. 

Here are just a few tips on coping with a toxic mother-in-law:

1. Keep yourself emotionally distant

Allow yourself to detach from the situation so there is no ability to steal your joy. When the individual can get in emotionally, they can wreak all kinds of havoc.

2. Avoid triggering

A toxic mother-in-law wants an argument and hopes to fight. Don’t give her that opportunity. In the end, it will make you look bad to your mate since, likely, there will be a dramatic tear-filled scene.

3. Avoid self-judgment

It’s easy to self-judge after dealing with someone you feel you’re supposed to have a happy, healthy bond with. You can’t figure out where it’s going wrong and what you could do differently.

4. It’s okay to avoid pretending

Moments will arise, especially at events or gatherings where conversations will need to be had, and your toxic mother-in-law will pretend to be pleasant. It’s okay to be guarded and unsure because you would be right; gossip is strewn when your back is turned.

5. You don’t need to try

If you’re attempting to gain validation, you should stop trying; that will never happen. Your mother-in-law will criticize and complain. It will be impossible to please her regardless of the dinners you make or the home you’re trying to clean spotless. 

If she’s decided she dislikes you for her own unknown reasons, there’s little you can do to change her mind.

6. Remain true to yourself

Despite your mother-in-law’s toxicity, you can still be true to who you are. If you’re a kind, considerate and courteous person, just continue. 

While it will likely be reciprocated with sugary sweet sarcasm, that’s okay because everyone can genuinely see how your mother-in-law behaves. You might believe she’s fooling everyone, but she’s not.

7. Allow your partner to step in

If things escalate to the point you feel insulted or demeaned, it’s time to let your partner step in and have a discussion with the mother-in-law. While you stand your ground, it’s essential that your partner also advises on the behavior. No one needs to tolerate unacceptable actions. 

8. Forgiveness doesn’t have to be for the other person

If you carry some sort of forgiveness for your toxic mother-in-law in your heart, you could actually end up feeling sorry for her rather than hatred.

Then the nastiness that she approaches you with won’t be able to hurt you. Instead, you’ll be able to move forward feeling good and recognizing that she’s actually miserable.

9. Let go of expectations

In that same vein, you can let go of the expectations that mothers-in-law love you regardless. While it would have been nice for your partner to have his family and his partner get along well together, in some cases, his mom just wouldn’t allow that to happen.

10. Space away

After forgiveness and allowing yourself to let go of the ill feelings, it’s time to take some space apart. The individual is not a part of your immediate family and while your partner can go as much as they’d like, it’s okay if you cut back the time you spend there.

11. Nurture your well-being

Dealing with a toxic mother-in-law can be emotionally draining, so it’s essential to prioritize self-care. Carving out moments for yourself becomes vital. Find solace in ‘me time’, where you indulge in activities that bring you joy and inner peace, whether it’s reading a book, taking a leisurely walk, or pursuing a hobby. 

Understand the characteristics and behaviors of a narcissistic mother-in-law in this informative video:

Commonly asked questions

Maintaining challenging dynamics with a toxic mother-in-law can be tough. Let’s explore some relatable questions and provide understanding and practical advice to handle these situations with grace.

• What should you say to a toxic mother-in-law?

When you have a mean mother-in-law, it’s challenging, to say the least. Still, as a rule, when you marry, your mate and yourself become a family unit. As such, the two of you get to set boundaries not only for your partner’s family but your own. 

If you’re dealing with a toxic mother-in-law crossing those boundaries already, there needs to be a conversation. That discussion needs to be led by your partner, and they need to lay out the boundary guidelines. 

If your controlling mother-in-law can’t find her way to abide by the rules, the two of you need to indicate there will be time apart until some kind of agreement is reached. Check out a few signs of a toxic mother-in-law to see if that’s what you’re dealing with.

• Is it okay to cut off your toxic mother-in-law?

It’s okay to put some space between the toxic mother-in-law and yourself since she’s not your mom. A mate needs to see his mother as often as they’d like. That’s entirely their decision; it’s their mom. And if there are any kids in the picture, that’s their grandma. 

In that case, though, you have a say in boundaries and how she treats your children.

They absolutely should have a relationship as long as there’s no disregard for the parent in front of them. That would be off-limits. If she were disrespectful and said nasty things about either you or your partner, she would have supervised visits only. Again, boundaries.

• How to deal with a toxic mother-in-law if you have children?

Shield your children from negativity, communicate openly with your spouse, and agree on parenting boundaries together. Focus on creating a nurturing environment for your kids.

• Can a toxic mother-in-law ruin a relationship?

While her behavior can strain relationships, staying united with your partner can help overcome challenges. Focus on fostering love and understanding between you both.

• Is it normal not to like your mother-in-law?

It’s not uncommon to have differences, but mutual respect is essential. Keep an open mind and find common ground to build a more harmonious relationship. Remember, empathy and patience can go a long way.

• How can I tell if my mother-in-law is toxic?

Recognizing mother-in-law problems can be challenging, as they may manifest subtly. 

If your mother-in-law consistently undermines you, belittles your choices, or is overly critical, these could be signs she’s toxic. “My mother-in-law is toxic” is a realization that might come when you notice patterns of manipulative behavior, guilt-tripping, or boundary violations. 

An overbearing mother-in-law may also intrude into your personal life or decisions, making you feel suffocated or controlled.

• What are the effects of having a toxic mother-in-law?

A toxic mother-in-law can lead to emotional distress, marital strain, and family conflicts. The toxic mother-in-law psychology revolves around control, manipulation, or jealousy, which can erode trust and harmony within the family. 

Individuals may experience anxiety, depression, or a sense of isolation due to the constant negativity. Moreover, couples might find themselves frequently arguing over issues related to the mother-in-law, potentially weakening their bond.

• What can I do to protect myself from a toxic mother-in-law?

To protect yourself, it’s essential to set clear boundaries and communicate your feelings assertively. Understanding how to deal with mother-in-law issues involves recognizing when to distance yourself and when to confront problematic behaviors. 

Seeking support from your spouse is crucial, ensuring you both present a united front. If necessary, consider counseling or therapy to navigate the challenges. 

Learning how to handle a toxic mother-in-law can also involve seeking advice from others who’ve faced similar situations or reading resources on the topic.

• How can I improve my relationship with my mother-in-law?

Improving your relationship requires open communication, understanding, and patience. Address concerns directly but respectfully, aiming for a solution-oriented approach. 

Empathize with her perspective and feelings, which can help bridge misunderstandings. Engage in activities that foster bonding and create positive memories. 

If tensions persist, consider family therapy or counseling to address underlying issues and develop strategies for a healthier relationship. Remember, both parties must be willing to work towards improvement for lasting change.

Prioritize your health and happiness

Remember that you’re not alone in facing these challenges. Prioritize self-care, open communication, and setting boundaries to safeguard your emotional well-being. 

It’s okay to make tough decisions for your happiness while also finding empathy and understanding. Stay united with your partner and focus on fostering a nurturing environment for your family. With patience and resilience, you can navigate through these tough times and create a more positive family dynamic.