Which came first—the chicken or the egg? There are good arguments for both, which is why the collective population can’t all agree on it. Married couples with sex issues can look at things the same way. Did the sex dry up on its own, or did other issues creep into the bedroom?
Sometimes the answer to that question is very hard to pinpoint. Marriages always have their hard times and their easier times. When we have easier times, things are just floating along. During those times, we may take each other for granted. We probably even take the amount of sex we are having for granted. But then, come the hard times.
Maybe there is a new baby in the mix, or moving to a new city. Perhaps a new job or a death in the family. High levels of stress over a long period of time will zap us all of our energy and zest for life. Sometimes, at the end of the day it feels as if there is nothing left to give. Our marriages—and sex—are low on the priority list.
Unfortunately, sex problems in marriage sometimes gets put on the back burner. And over time when we don’t do it very often, we lose some of our libido. If you are facing problems in the bedroom, here are some bedroom sex tips and advice for married couples to keep in mind:
1) Realize that you are not alone
A surprising number of married couples have sex issues in their marriage. And it’s no wonder—do you think there is any way for every married couple to have the same sex drive? The same beliefs about sex? The same level of inhibitions? No way. Also, it’s no secret that men and women are wired differently, and perhaps it is by design. Working together towards what is really important could be part of what makes marriage so great. If we can come together to solve problems, we can be stronger.
It happens to everyone
If lack of sex is the issue, you’re one of many across the U.S. According to Newsweek magazine, somewhere between 15-20 percent of couples may be experiencing a “sexless marriage” which some say is having sex less than 10 times per year. In 1994, the US National Health and Society Life Survey reported that 2 percent of married couples were having no sex in the previous year.
The cause of less sex in a marriage could be many things, including issues in the relationship, to different types of sexual dysfunction. According to WebMD, 43 percent of women and 31 percent of men have some degree of sexual difficulty. So, you are definitely not alone. Sex issues in marriage affect a lot of people.
2) It’s okay to talk about sex with your spouse
The thing about sex is, outside of our partners we don’t go into much detail about it. Sure, during a girls night out the subject of bedroom issues may be on the table, but typically it’s just general terms. The nitty gritty is saved for the bedroom. As it should be. This is intimate stuff that should stay between husband and wife.
Except, when couples don’t actually talk about it with each other. And certainly, there are many who don’t. Either they don’t think they need to, or they are embarrassed, aren’t sure it’s ok to talk about, or they don’t quite know how to put words to their feelings. “Maybe I’ll jinx it” or “It’ll resolve itself” may be going through some people’s minds.
Talk about sex often
If you’ve been married for a long time and the subject has never come up in your pillow talk, then maybe you feel a little silly bringing it up now. You don’t want to make your partner feel bad or that you are unhappy with the way things are going. But this is a very important subject, and we don’t automatically have everything figured out. So it can’t hurt to talk about it—it can only help.
Read More: How Often Do Married Couples Have Sex
If you are having trouble breaking the ice, grab a book about sex and marriage and read it in bed. Most assuredly, there will be questions in the book you can ask your spouse. “What do you think about this question, honey?” It doesn’t have to end up as a long discussion, though eventually, it could. Just test the waters a bit until you both get more comfortable talking about it. Remember, sexual problems in marriages are quite common and there is nothing for you and your partner to be ashamed of. And talking about it really helps you get to the root to the problem. As you see it help your relationship, it will only encourage you to keep talking more about sex with each other.
3) Go on a holiday
Research proves that having a deeper emotional connection with your partner helps you enjoy enhanced intimacy with them. Break the monotony and go on a trip. If there’s a lack of funds for that just take a long walk after dinner, plan a long, special date or enjoy a picnic dinner – anything that gets you both excited. Talking will bond you together and enable you to connect deeper.
4) Try something new
Bedroom sex can get so boring. Don’t let your sex life be so predictable to you or to your spouse. Just because you are married does not mean that you can’t be adventurous in bed. Discuss your desires openly with your partner, try new positions, sex toys and new fantasies.
5) Don’t be afraid of sex therapy
If there are sex issues in your marriage and you both aren’t sure what to do, one of the best things you can do is go to a sex or marriage therapist.
There is nothing to be afraid of when it comes to sex therapy. Honestly, this just you and your spouse going to a therapist and talking. That’s it. While discussing this particular subject can be awkward at first—remember that your therapist works with many couples with similar issues. Soon their candor will be refreshing as you both open up about your feelings. It will feel very freeing, in fact.
Over the last several years, therapy has become less and less taboo and more widely accepted. According to a poll by Psychology Today, more than 27% of adults sought help from a therapist of some kind in the previous two years from the poll. Of course, that includes all types of issues, including relationship issues. Still, it shows one major thing—that many people rely on the help of a mental health professional.
What can you expect from sex therapy?
Of course, that depends on the therapist, but in general, you are there to discuss your intimacy issues. Sometimes you aren’t sure the root cause of it—in which case the therapist will try to help you figure it out—and other times you know what it is, but you just can’t get past it. Talking about it with a therapist will help you and your spouse comes to a better understanding and hopefully improve your thoughts and beliefs about sex. The ultimate goal is to help your sexual experience with your spouse.
Remember, sex should never be just a physical rush, but a tender, passionate connection. Without the playful, loving companionship, sex becomes another buzz that loses its perspective and that can harm your relationship.
These sex advice for married couples can really help you and your partner gain back the thrill and excitement in your sexual regime that you once experienced.
Want to have a happier, healthier marriage?
If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married.