How to Have a Serious Conversation About Your Relationship

When deep conversation topics with partners go unanswered, the mystery can start gnawing away at your happiness. That’s why learning how to have a serious conversation about your relationship is essential.

It’s hard to know when to have serious relationship talks—the ones about defining the relationship and taking those next steps toward a future together. You should know who your partner is and what your deal breakers are before bringing up anything too touchy.

You don’t want to come on too strong at the beginning of a partnership, but you don’t want to let these serious relationship questions slide for so long that your heart is locked in. Complicated, right?

Managing serious conversations in relationships is no joke. That’s why we’re looking at some helpful tips for talking about relationships and having mature conversations.

When should you ask serious relationship questions?

The answer is complicated: soon, but not too soon. You’ll want to start these serious conversation topics before you’re too invested in walking away, but not so soon that you come off as the human equivalent of cling wrap.

Do you want to find serious things to talk about with your boyfriend or girlfriend because you want to get to know them better, or try to plan your future?

If you are trying to decide whether you and your partner could have something special, we suggest asking these serious relationship questions:

• Are they looking for a monogamous relationship?
• Do they want children?
• What do they think of marriage?
• Who are their friends?
• How big of an impact does their parent’s opinion have on who they end up with?
• What are their priorities in life?
• How important are sex and other forms of physical intimacy?
• What are their religious views?
• Where do they lean politically?
• Do they have relationship deal breakers?

Knowing the answer to these tough relationship questions will help you plan for the future.

Dos and don’ts of serious talks in a relationship

If you are itching to talk about serious relationship questions with your spouse, knowing when and how to bring them up can be challenging. Before initiating a serious conversation with your partner, start doing prep work with these dos and don’ts.

Do’s	Don’ts
Have a conversation before you feel hopeless about the relationship.	Assume you are on the same page and continue to let things go.
Be specific and frank about your expectations from a partner.	Manipulate your partner into getting what you want out of a serious conversation.
Approach the conversation as though you are solving a problem together.	Be afraid of starting the conversation.
Know you have the right to know about the future of your relationship.	Initiate serious conversation topics if you aren’t prepared to handle them maturely.

17 tips for how to have a serious conversation about your relationship

Running away from having serious conversations leads to further problems for the couple in the relationship. It is healthier to address the issue and try to find a solution for it. Here are 17 ways that you can make the serious conversation easy for both you and your partner:

1. Know what you want before initiating the conversation

Relationship coach Dionne Eleanor says, 

Clarity is the compass that guides honest conversations; know your destination before you embark.

One suggestion for talking to someone in a relationship is to do some prep work beforehand. What do you want out of the conversation?

Do you really want answers to tough relationship questions, or are you just looking for serious things to talk about with your boyfriend/girlfriend to get to know them better?

If it’s the latter, take a lighthearted approach. If it’s the former, make a mental list of all the questions you want answered before you can move forward with your relationship.

2. Understand these conversations are necessary

Dionne Eleanor adds,

Every relationship deserves the light of transparency; it’s where true connection begins.

If you’re starting to fall for your partner, you need to get these tough relationship questions out of the way.

Don’t feel awkward for wanting to know more about your spouse. You are looking out for your future and trying to make plans around someone you care about, and that is nothing to be embarrassed about.

3. Learn how to communicate

Having mature conversations about relationships and other vital topics improves positive speech between partners.

To benefit from communication, you must learn how to do it properly.

• Show genuine interest in what your partner is saying
• Remove distractions (such as your cell phone) from the conversation
• Do not yell or storm out

4. Choose a good time to talk

One of the biggest tips on how to start a serious conversation with your boyfriend or girlfriend is to choose the right time to bring up serious conversation topics.

Avoid moments when your spouse is busy, overwhelmed, or anxious. Instead, choose a moment when you and your partner are both relaxed and feeling emotionally intimate. This will yield the best results.

5. Start the conversation positively

When entering tough conversations in relationships, the last thing you want to do is start on the wrong foot. Choose your words carefully and enter the conversation with a positive, polite, and pleasant demeanor. You don’t want your spouse to feel like they are under attack.

6. Approach the subject as a team

A great tip to know about how to talk about relationship problems with your partner is to think as a team.

If you pit yourself against your spouse, you might start behaving like enemies. On the other hand, approaching tough relationship questions as a team will help you work together toward a common goal.

7. Be calm and collected

“You always…!”

“I think you…!”

“You never…!”

These are all terrible ways to initiate serious talks in a relationship because they make your partner feel like you’re attacking their character. It may sound cheesy, but the best tip for managing serious conversations in relationships is to use “I feel” statements.

“I’ve felt a little bit lonely this week. I miss spending time with my awesome boyfriend,” expresses the problem and follows it up with something sweet and complimentary.

Using this approach can help avoid the kind of argument that may happen if you say something like: “You never spend any time with me! You’ve been busy with your stupid friends all week!”

8. Make your needs clear

A great tip for how to have a serious conversation about your relationship and communicate effectively is to have a clear message. If you want a commitment, let them know. If you don’t think your lives are moving in the same direction, say so.

If you’re finding serious things to talk about with your boyfriend or girlfriend, ensure there is no confusion about what you’re after. Be clear about what you want.

9. Don’t get sidetracked

Another tip for how to have a relationship talk with a guy or girl is to stay on topic.

It can be tempting and maybe a respite to veer off course when dealing with serious conversation topics, especially if you feel like your partner misunderstands something – but stay the course. Don’t let sidetracking topics turn your snowball fight into an avalanche.

10. Look for ways to compromise

Sometimes, asking tough relationship questions can leave us feeling confused. Adaptability is essential to a successful relationship. If you’ve found serious conversations to have with your boyfriend aren’t going well or you don’t see eye to eye, look for ways to compromise and make peace.

Communication is the bridge that connects hearts; build it strong to withstand storms.

comments Dionne Eleanor.

11. Think about your partner’s words

One tip for how to have a serious conversation about your relationship is to take time to meditate on what your partner is telling you.

Even if you disagree with what your partner is saying, it can be beneficial to consider where they are coming from. You can even try to find something you DO agree with so you can have some common ground.

12. Stick to one topic

When a couple argues, there is a tendency to bring up past issues, even the ones that are not related to the issue at hand. But you can’t solve everything in one day, so stick to just one problem at a time.

Bringing up too many things at the same time will open you to the possibility of nothing getting resolved. The argument will become about too many things, and you won’t be able to focus all your attention on just one thing.

13. Listen to your partner

Knowing how to listen is essential if you want to find serious things to talk about with your boyfriend or girlfriend.

Show your partner you hear them by nodding attentively as they speak, maintaining eye contact, and allowing them to finish their thought without interruption.

14. Don’t be afraid of taking a time-out

Part of healthy conflict resolution is knowing when to talk a time out from tough relationship questions.

If you feel things are getting heated, tell your partner you need a minute to go out, get some fresh air, or shower. Give yourself some time to clear your head and cool off.

15. Respect your partner’s decision

Our final tip on how to have a serious conversation about your relationship is to respect whatever your partner decides to do. If you’ve been in a long-term relationship and still have trouble managing serious conversations in relationships, consider taking a marriage course.

Online marriage courses are also great for couples who aren’t married because it helps them learn to improve their communication skills, boost intimacy, and create shared goals with their partner.

16. Practice empathy and understanding

Dionne Eleanor shares,

Empathy is the heart’s way of reaching out; it’s how we find common ground.

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. When having a serious conversation about your relationship, it’s crucial to approach it with a sense of empathy towards your partner. Try to see the situation from their perspective, acknowledge their feelings, and validate their experiences. 

Such an approach can encourage a supportive environment, making it easier for both partners to express their thoughts and feelings openly without fear of judgment or dismissal. 

By showing understanding and compassion, you’re more likely to get through difficult conversations with a sense of unity and find solutions that consider both partners’ needs and feelings.

In relationships, unity is strength; tackle challenges hand in hand.

adds Dionne Eleanor.

17. Establish boundaries and respect them

Setting clear boundaries is essential for any healthy relationship. Before engaging in a serious conversation, it’s helpful to establish what those boundaries are for each partner. 

Discuss what is acceptable to talk about, how to handle disagreements, and when it might be necessary to pause the conversation. Respecting these boundaries throughout the discussion is crucial. 

It ensures that both partners feel safe and heard, preventing the conversation from escalating into a potentially harmful situation. By understanding and adhering to these limits, couples can create a respectful and constructive dialogue that facilitates growth and strengthens their bond.

Watch this video where relationship coach Stephan Labossiere explains how a lack of boundaries can invite a lack of respect in a relationship:

FAQs

In any relationship, there comes a time when a couple needs to be involved in engaging in serious conversations. These discussions can shape the dynamics between partners, influencing their connection and future together. Here are some frequently asked questions regarding serious conversations within relationships:

• Can serious conversations negatively impact a relationship?

When approached without empathy or understanding, serious conversations can sometimes strain a relationship. However, they are essential for addressing underlying issues. 

The key is in how these discussions are conducted. Respectful, open communication can strengthen bonds, while confrontational or accusatory dialogues may create distance.

• How often should couples have serious talks about their relationship?

The frequency of serious talks varies among couples and depends on their unique circumstances. Ideally, partners should engage in these discussions as issues arise, ensuring they don’t accumulate and become more daunting. Regular monthly or quarterly check-ins can help maintain an open line of communication and prevent potential conflicts.

• Can serious talks lead to a breakup?

Yes, serious talks can sometimes lead to a breakup, especially if they reveal fundamental incompatibilities or unresolved issues that both parties are unable or unwilling to overcome. However, they often serve as a catalyst for growth and understanding, helping couples manage challenges and strengthen their relationship.

Wrapping up

Learning how to have a serious conversation about your relationship is essential if you want to have a real future with your spouse. Before starting the conversation, know when and where to initiate tough relationship questions and have a good idea of what you want to say.

Approach serious talks in a relationship maturely. Listen to your spouse and know how to communicate effectively. Bringing up serious topics to discuss in a relationship can be tricky and may not always result in your expected outcome.

Still, it is always better to know whether you are on the same page before you get too deep into your relationship.