Push and Pull Relationship Cycle: Effects, Causes & Advice

Imagine this: one day, your partner showers you with affection, and everything feels perfect. The next, they’re distant, cold, and unresponsive, leaving you confused and hurt. 

You find yourself constantly questioning what went wrong or if it’s something you did. This emotional rollercoaster keeps you hooked, wondering whether the next high will be worth the painful lows.

Why does this happen? Why do some relationships feel like a constant tug-of-war? Can a relationship like this ever become stable and fulfilling?

If these questions hit home, you may be caught in a push and pull relationship—a common dynamic where one partner alternates between drawing closer and pushing away. 

The push-pull relationship cycle can be emotionally exhausting, often driven by attachment issues or fear of commitment.

In fact, such relationship cycles can lead to long-term emotional damage if left unaddressed. 

But breaking free from this pattern is possible.

In this article, we’ll talk about the stages, effects, and causes of the push and pull technique in relationships—and, most importantly, how to break free from its grip.

What is a push-pull relationship?

Think of a push and pull relationship as an emotional tug-of-war. 

One moment, your partner pulls you in with affection, making you feel wanted and secure. Then suddenly, they push you away, becoming distant and leaving you confused and craving their attention again. 

It’s a cycle of closeness followed by withdrawal and rejection, often driven by fear of vulnerability or commitment. 

The push and pull method in relationships creates a constant back-and-forth, where emotions run high and stability feels just out of reach.

Who tends to end up in a push-pull relationship?

Ideally, for this type of relationship to work, someone with a healthy, balanced ideology toward dating and relationships is ineligible.

The people who involve themselves in the push-pull relationship theory have typically unhealed wounds from previous experiences or have been exposed to unhealthy relationships causing them to develop unhealthy attitudes about partnerships.

These individuals likely lack self-confidence or have lower self-esteem than others. One can have abandonment issues, while the other can have a problem with intimacy, and these fears will then create the push-pull mechanics.

One initiates the relationship as the pusher. The other avoids it for fear of being vulnerable to abandonment, and this sets the tone for the varied stages that comprise the cycling that the pair will likely endure throughout their partnership.

7 stages of a push-pull cycle

Going through the push-pull theory for any length of time takes two distinct individuals to carry the dynamic. These people will consciously fear abandonment or intimacy or do so unconsciously.

Each has low self-esteem. Therefore, one seeks romantic partners to feel valued, and one enjoys someone chasing them to feel that value. One won’t want to be suffocated by a mate, and the other will avoid insecurity in a relationship.

If there is only one of these kinds in a matchup, while the other comes from a healthy balanced relationship style, the pairing won’t last.

Most often, if these two people come together, the push-pull dynamic is there from the start. The cycles can be drawn out at first and then become less so throughout the relationship.

There are roughly seven stages, and they work like this.

Stage 1: The pursuit   

In this stage, there are two people with lower self-esteem. Someone needs to make the first move.

Generally, it’s the one with the fear of intimacy who pursues someone they’re drawn to, while the individual with the abandonment fear plays hard to get at first.

This person is reluctant to be vulnerable by exposing themselves to a new relationship. Ultimately the attention paid is enough to make it worthwhile for the boost to self-esteem.

Stage 2: The bliss

In the beginning, each partner has a good time finding the experience exciting, with more time spent together, ultimately culminating in a physical attachment.

Unfortunately, relationships like these are relatively superficial, with couples not involving themselves in intimate, deep conversations.

Stage 3: The Withdrawal

After some time, the person who initiated the union chooses to push away the mate because they become overwhelmed due to the fear of intimacy.

When intimacy begins to develop, it causes the person to consider either cooling things down or running. In most cases, this person withdraws from their mate both emotionally and physically.

Stage 4: Repel

The pair experiencing this dynamic switch places to the point because of the abandonment fear; that person now becomes the “puller” or the pursuer to avoid being left.

They will do what they deem necessary to get the attention they were once receiving. The original puller, now the pusher, being afraid of intimacy, is experiencing cold feet.

They want to be alone, finding the situation suffocating and choosing to withdraw increasingly the more the partner attempts to get close. The one feeling abandoned is appearing needy and as though they are nagging or possibly being critical.

Stage 5: Becoming distant

Fearing abandonment, ultimately, the person will pull back, acting out of self-protection in case the union dissolves so the hurt is less intense.

Stage 6: Reconcile

Now the intimacy is significantly decreased. The mate, afraid of intimacy, starts to see their mate in a favorable light again instead of like a threat.

The relationship is a much better option than being alone, so the pursuit begins again. Apologies, attention, and gifts begin as an extension of remorse for the unpleasant behavior to win back the mate’s affection.

There is some reluctance, but the attention is still good for the ego, and having a partner is better than the abandonment that was initially the focus.

Stage 7: Peace and harmony

A sense of happiness and peace returns to a degree with the one-person content that nothing becomes too intimate. The other is merely satisfied that the pair didn’t end the relationship entirely.

Stages six and seven are like one and two beginning all over again – it’s a cycle, and this can continue as many times as the two will allow. It works because, in essence, no one wants the pairing to progress too seriously, nor do they wish for the union to end.

In some cases, couples can go for years in these cycles. In some instances, the emotional upheaval becomes too much for one or both.

Examples of push-pull cycle in relationships

In a push and pull relationship, emotions swing between intense connection and sudden distance, leaving one partner constantly guessing. These push and pull relationship examples show how draining this cycle can be.

Let’s look at a few examples of push-pull behavior in real life:

Example 1:

Pull: Your partner surprises you with romantic gestures, texts you nonstop, and seems eager to spend every moment together.
Push: Then, out of the blue, they become distant, cancel plans, and seem unavailable emotionally. You’re left wondering what changed.

Example 2:

Pull: After an argument, they come back with heartfelt apologies and promises to change.
Push: Soon after, they withdraw again, avoiding serious conversations or physical closeness.

Example 3:

Pull: They act affectionate and engaging when they feel you’re pulling away.
Push: But once you’re drawn back in, they retreat, leaving you feeling emotionally abandoned.

How push and pull dynamics affect couples and relationships: 5 ways

A push and pull relationship can feel like an emotional rollercoaster, leaving both partners uncertain and emotionally drained. This dynamic can significantly impact the health of the relationship over time. 

Here are five ways it affects couples:

Why do the partners subject themselves to this cycle?

The cycle continues because these two individuals, who likely suffered wounds from past experiences, satisfy a necessity for the other. 

It’s not fulfilling, not healthy, not stable, but it’s better than what they see as the alternative, which they believe is being alone.

Each wants nothing deep or intimate, but they want to be sustainable. The stages create a cycle or develop a routine to maintain a partnership without meaning or substance but can last as long as they want to continue with the pattern.

Can a push-pull relationship work in the long term?

These relationships can go on for years or even the couple’s lifespan if they can develop an “armor” to the emotional rollercoaster they’ll experience.

There’s always that not-knowing period for the one afraid of abandonment where you have to wonder if that might be the ultimate end. If you experience many cycles that can either get genuinely painful or become comfortable, it’s just part of the “game.”

The one with the intimacy fears has less to lose in the deal due to not wanting anything serious anyway. It’s unlikely this person will be left alone unless the abandonment-fearing mate grows tired of the emotional turmoil and walks away.

How to fix a push-and-pull relationship: 11 practical ways

Doing a relationship dance of hot and cold or becoming close and then going distant can emotionally drain the pair enduring the toxicity of this match.

The sad part is that the push and pull are cyclic, meaning there’s not a break from the turmoil; the conflict, uncertainty, and pressure continue until someone finally sees that it’s unhealthy – if that happens.

Sometimes these partnerships go on for years and beyond. How can these partners avoid the addiction and save themselves from the push-pull cycle?

Here are some tips:

1. Identify the problem

Ideally, you would want to recognize the dynamics of push-pull relationships.

So that you’re each in a better position to resolve the issues instead of labeling one or the other as single-handedly creating the pushing and pulling behavior.

Each is contributing to the cycle equally.

2. Empathize to avoid an ultimate ending

For every relationship,  Licensed Professional Counselor and Relationship Coach Christiana Njoku  has this to say,

To understand why your partner is involved in the dynamics playing out in your relationship, it is important you develop emotional intelligence and become empathetic towards them, as this will open them up for conversation.

Those who want to sustain the relationship and attempt to remove the toxicity of the push-pull dynamic need empathy. Owning the fact that you play an active role in the unhealthy dynamic helps you understand your partner and the triggers for their vulnerability and fear.

Showing empathy can open a line of communication between you that will ultimately relieve fears and insecurities and help you develop healthier attachment habits.

3. Recognize how costly these dynamics can be

Couples can become addicted to the dynamics of a push-pull pairing. But the turmoil placed on emotions costs the individuals exceptionally as each person experiences fear, anxiety, stress, frustration, confusion, alienation, plus anger, all of which are wearing and unhealthy.

When you recognize the cost to your emotional health, you can then start to make necessary changes. It’s not impossible to fix this dynamic.

4. Respect the other person as they are

Each person has distinct needs and attachment styles responsible for creating the push-pull basis. In some cases, the one pulling might want to have a lengthy discussion concerning partnership issues to feel security and stability so the abandonment fear can become satisfied.

A pusher, however, will begin to feel suffocated and overwhelmed by these conversations, ultimately withdrawing from their partner.

When mutual respect develops regarding the other’s unique way of viewing the match, each might accommodate these differences instead of pushing against them.

5. Distance can be refreshing

Pushers need distance to reassure their sense of individuality instead of feeling that developing a partnership might cost their sense of self.

If the puller accepts a pusher’s need to invigorate without becoming anxious, nervous, or critical of that time away, the pusher can enjoy self-soothing without the need to withdraw or repel. Likely the pusher will come back fully attentive and affectionate.

6. Do the work

Instead of focusing on trying to fix the other person, it’s essential to work on healing some of your wounds so that you can develop into a healthy version of yourself. It can contribute to ending the push-pull cycle.

Healing some self-esteem problems until you have more self-confidence helps fight some of the insecurity and fear, giving you a better perspective, and ultimately creating a healthier atmosphere.

7. Allow vulnerability

When the pusher requests the puller to allow some distance periodically without feeling threatened, the pusher should give something to the relationship.

The pusher can perhaps show some emotional vulnerability. That will equate to becoming intimate at some point.

There are probably wounds creating the need to develop walls around this aspect of the pusher’s heart, but using baby steps, thoughts, previous experiences, apprehensions, and fears will slowly come to light.

For the pusher to be successful, the partner needs to meet their vulnerability with compassion, support, and understanding. If there is any judgment, the withdrawal will be imminent, and the fear compounds.

We can’t truly love deeply without learning to be vulnerable with each other. Watch this insightful video:

8. Don’t allow a power play

Typically, the power with this theory goes to the person playing hard to get or distancing themselves while the one chasing is left vulnerable.

It will take a conscious effort to ensure that each person plays a part in making decisions in the partnership, even with small things. All things that affect the union should be shared choices.

9. Assumptions are better out of the mix

Avoid developing your version of partner or partnerships in your mind and then finding a way to support the imagery. That will cause a reaction towards your significant other based on your perception instead of what might be a point of genuineness.

By doing this, your partner might make a statement that you completely take out of context because you have created a negative spin on sincere traits.

10. Remember, healthy relationships are not impossible

Regardless of what you might have experienced or witnessed in your history, healthy relationships are possible. The push-pull cycle you’re in is correctable, and you have the opportunity to develop a deeper connection if you each own your feelings and choose to express these openly.

Coach Christiana Njoku affirms that 

For you and your partner to scale through the push-pull relationship, the collective efforts of both of you are required to create that needed change. 

That means without pointing fingers or holding anyone accountable for creating or fixing the issues but instead working together to change the dynamics.

11. Don’t forget boundaries

In a push-pull relationship, boundaries often blur, leading to confusion about what each person truly wants or needs. 

By setting clear, healthy boundaries, both partners can better understand each other’s limits and expectations. 

This prevents one person from feeling overwhelmed or neglected, and helps create a safer emotional space. Discuss openly what feels comfortable for each of you, and respect those lines to avoid triggering the cycle. This step empowers both partners to take control and promotes mutual respect.

Breaking free from the cycle

Relationships aren’t meant to be an endless cycle of uncertainty, and recognizing the signs of a push-pull relationship is the first step toward healing. 

If you’ve ever asked yourself, “Why do I push and pull in relationships?” it’s time to dig deeper into what’s driving this behavior. Whether it’s fear of intimacy or unresolved past wounds, understanding the root cause is crucial.

But here’s the good news—change is possible. You don’t have to remain stuck in this draining pattern. Learning how to stop push-pull relationships is about setting boundaries, promoting communication, and being brave enough to face the uncomfortable parts of yourself. 

So, are you ready to create a healthier, more stable connection? The journey may be challenging, but the outcome—true emotional security—is worth every step.

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Sylvia Smith loves to share insights on how couples can revitalize their love lives in and out of the bedroom. As a writer at Marriage.com, she is a big believer in living consciously and encourages couples to adopt this principle... Read more in their lives too. Sylvia believes that every couple can transform their relationship into a happier, healthier one by taking purposeful and wholehearted action. Read less

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