Conditional Love in Relationships: 15 Signs

Some individuals in relationships will provide you with conditional love, which means that they will not love you in all conditions. Keep reading this article for more information on what this means and how to spot it.

What does conditional love mean?

When you are pondering the meaning of conditional love, this indicates that a person’s love comes with strings. In other words, there are some situations where they would stop loving you. A child may experience one example of conditional love from a parent. 

Perhaps your mom told you that she would love you and be proud of you if you made good grades. This indicates that she might withhold affection from you if you grade badly. 

Research shows that children may thrive in many aspects of their life, including academically, if they experience unconditional love or regard.

Related Reading: Unconditional Love: Meaning, How To Give It and Know If It’s Healthy

Conditional love vs. unconditional love in a relationship

Essentially, conditional love means a person will love you only if you meet certain conditions. This could be anything from how much money you make, how you treat them, or how you look. 

Conditional love examples include if a partner tells you they will only love you if you stay in shape or your mate tells you that you must keep your job if you want to keep them.

Unconditional love means that an individual will love you no matter what happens and what you do. For instance, if your mate tells you that they will love you no matter what you look like, or your partner lets you know that they will stick by you, even if you don’t make a lot of money, this likely means that they love you unconditionally. 

There are no stipulations placed on their love for you. 

For a look at what healthy relationships look like, check out this video:

Conditional love in relationships – 15 Signs

When you find yourself contemplating what conditional love is, you may want to know precisely how to spot it in your relationship. Here are 15 signs to look for which can provide a clue.

1. Special moments don’t happen often

Anytime you have loved conditionally, you may notice that special moments don’t happen much. In healthy relationships, hanging out with your partner and doing something simple like watching a movie or having dinner together can be a treat. 

Little things may not be able to improve your bond or make you feel better about your connection with this type of love. Consider if you have fun just hanging out together or if you even spend time together without other people being around. This could cause concern if you don’t remember the last time you had fun together.

2. It may make you feel sick to see them

Do you ever feel sick to your stomach or upset when you see your partner? This could indicate one of the signs of conditional love to look out for. 

Seeing the person you love and care about should bring you joy, happiness, and excitement, so if it doesn’t, you may need to determine why this is the case. It would help if you also tried to change this so they don’t cause you to get physically sick when you see them.

3. They only dote on you in a crowd

You might realize that your special someone only says nice things about you or shows affection when you are in public or around others. 

This is something you should take note of since this can let you know that your mate loves you conditionally. There likely isn’t a reason why they cannot dote on you at home in the same manner. Needing an audience to show that they care about you is unusual and is not the norm in relationships.  

4. They judge you often

If a person loves someone conditionally, they will likely be judgmental of their partner. They may make fun of you for not being able to do things or become very upset when you don’t meet the mark they set for you. Remember that it is nearly impossible to meet a standard if you don’t know what it is. 

Do your best not to let another person’s expectations of you make you feel bad about yourself. When you try your hardest, you should be able to be proud of yourself, even if you don’t meet a specific goal.

Related Reading: 25 Ways to Love Someone Deeply

5. They blame you for things

Furthermore, your partner may blame you for things that happen to them. This could mean that they blame you when something terrible happens in their life, or they may blame you when any setback occurs. They could even blame you for issues within your relationship. 

You are likely not responsible for any of these things, so you should not feel guilty about them. For instance, if your mate says it’s your fault they didn’t get a promotion that they wanted, understand that you probably didn’t have anything to do with them not getting the job they wanted.

Related Reading: How to Deal With Someone Who Blames You for Everything

6. You feel like you aren’t good enough

When your significant other tends to make you feel as if you aren’t good enough, this could mean that you require healing from conditional love. A 2021 study shows that when people are loved unconditionally, this can be beneficial for many years of their life, even when they are elderly. 

This is why you should do your best to surround yourself with people that love you unconditionally, so you will be able to feel comfortable being yourself. 

Related Reading: 15 Reasons Why I Am Not Good Enough for Him

7. You don’t have the support you need

If you experience love with conditions, you may not feel like you have all the support you need. There may not be people you can talk to about your feelings or when you need help with an issue or situation. 

You might need to seek mental health support to talk about how you are feeling and to help understand your relationship better. They may also have the expertise to explain conditional love psychology to you. You can even talk to friends and family members that you trust.

8. There’s no trust

Take some time to consider if you trust your mate or not. Suppose you don’t trust them with your feelings; they often hurt yours when you put yourself out there. In that case, this may not be conducive to a lasting relationship. 

Research indicates a greater amount of stress within relationships when regard is only given on a conditional basis and when something negative happens. Unconditional regard in different situations is more likely to lead to a happy relationship.

Related Reading: 15 Reasons for Lack of Trust in a Relationship

9. You don’t communicate

Talking to your partner isn’t something that should be difficult. Anytime you cannot talk to your mate, or you have to worry about what you will say and if they will be upset if you say how you feel, this likely means that the communication between you two is lacking. 

It can be challenging to communicate in any relationship, but with a bit of practice and when both of you are willing to hear each other out, this can improve.

10. There is no compromising

Of course, sometimes, a partner is unwilling to compromise. They must always get their way and cannot see your point of view or listen to your opinion, no matter the topic. 

If this sounds like your mate, you are likely in a couple where there is love that is conditional. If you weren’t giving your partner their way all the time, they might not continue to date you.

Related Reading: 6 Compromises in a Relationship Needed for a Healthy Marriage

11. You feel like they lord over you

You could feel like your partner lords over you. Perhaps they tell you how you should be acting, dressing, or what to do. While it is okay for your mate to have their moral code to live by, they can’t make you do anything or act a certain way. 

They also can’t tell you precisely what you should be doing since you are your person. When an individual tries to keep you from being yourself, this can cause an issue with self-worth.

12. You don’t feel secure

Depending on how your mate treats you and regards their relationship with you, this could cause you to feel insecure about your bond. 

You may already feel in your heart that their love for you is conditional, and you might be trying to make them happy so they don’t stop loving you. Feeling like your relationship could end anytime can be stressful and impact your overall wellness.

Related Reading: Why Am I So Insecure? 20 Ways to Feel Secure From Within

13. They gaslight you

If you have ever taken any of your concerns to your partner and they have gaslighted or tried to gaslight you because of this, this is one way to define conditional love. 

Gaslighting can be a form of emotional abuse in some cases, so when this is happening to you, remember that this isn’t something that occurs in all relationships. 

A relationship should be a partnership between you and your sweetheart, where you can talk to each other and even have a different opinion when you need to.

14. Your mental health is suffering

Feeling like your mental health is at risk could be because you are being loved conditionally. You may have low self-esteem because you aren’t getting the love and support you need, or you might have low self-worth when your mate talks down to you. 

You could also become depressed over how your mate treats you, especially when they constantly judge you and try to get you to feel bad about yourself.

Related Reading: How to Cope With Your Mental Health Issues in a Relationship

15. You don’t know how to behave

In addition to not knowing how to communicate with your partner, it may be hard to know how you should behave. You might walk on eggshells often, so you don’t upset or make them feel negative about you. This can take a lot of effort and energy on your part, which can leave you feeling worn out often. 

This is precisely what you may picture when you think is love conditional. You shouldn’t have to watch what you say and do all the time with the person that you love. Sometimes you may act goofy or say the wrong thing, but they should be able to let those things go or laugh about it with you.

Final thought

There are many situations in which a person may receive conditional love in a relationship. The tips above will let you know if this is happening in yours, but you may also want to know what you can do about it.

The first thing you should do is talk to your partner. Tell them how they treat you and that you would like it to stop. They might not know their unfairness and be willing to change their ways. 

On the other hand, they may be willing to allow you to tell them your rules and expectations for the relationship, and they can provide theirs as well.

Moreover, working with a therapist can help you overcome negative feelings about yourself while being loved conditionally. 

Licensed Mental Health Counselor Grady Shumway highlights,

Seek support from a therapist who can validate your experiences and help you establish boundaries to protect your mental and emotional well-being. Remember that you deserve to be treated with respect and empathy in all aspects of your relationships.

A therapist may also help you learn how to speak up for yourself when you are being mistreated and gain tools to talk to your partner about the things that are important to you.

If you can’t find a therapist to work with right away, you can always choose to tell a friend about what is going on first. They may have experience on the subject and be able to give you advice that you can utilize.

Overall, it is important to understand that you don’t have to endure conditional love. True love is unconditional and has several benefits for your body and mind.

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Rachael Pace Author

Rachael Pace is a noted relationship writer associated with Marriage.com. She provides inspiration, support, and empowerment in the form of motivational articles and essays. Rachael enjoys studying the evolution of loving partnerships... Read more and is passionate about writing on them. She believes that everyone should make room for love in their lives and encourages couples to work on overcoming their challenges together. Read less

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